Sunday, January 27, 2013

mentally preparing for my shower

Throughout this pregnancy whenever I thought about a shower for these babies I would have a little moment of panic. It was never panic about jinxing the pregnancy, even though there have been times that I was anxious about getting to viability. It was panic about the attention and other things.

I have never liked to be the center of attention. I am the person who is in the background sitting quietly or in a big group, not the center. I was a complete mess at my bridal shower. I was anxious, sweaty and shaking the whole time. It was actually difficult to enjoy myself. It didn't help that I was caught off guard. My family throws surprise showers. (I was completely calm at our wedding because the Hubby was there and I could block out everyone else)

Along with not liking the attention, the thought of a baby shower for OUR babies is utterly SURREAL to me. My family and friends celebrating our babies. Babies that have been wanted for so long, we have worked so hard for and who are so special to us are special to others. Why is that thought so difficult for me to grasp?

My psyc says it goes back to a bunch of things that we have talked about including not being emotionally taken care of enough growing up and not feeling deserving. I grew up putting all others first and when it comes to something for me I have a hard time with it. I also have an extremely difficult time asking for things so the thought of registering and asking people to buy us stuff makes me very uncomfortable.

I talked to the Hubby about all of this too. We obviously knew we would be having a shower, but we didn't know when. Well, I didn't know when, he probably did. I told him about the anxiety and how surreal the whole thing was. How I felt like I would have a difficult time enjoying it because I would be an emotional and anxious mess. Both my psyc and Hubby suggested that I need to take care of me and if I would be more comfortable knowing about the shower then I should talk to my Mom.

I thought about it for a while and decided that even though I would love a surprise shower, I would be more comfortable if I knew when it was and was able to mentally prepare for it. I was planning on talking to my Mom when she came over one day, but instead I got a surprise. Just before she was to come over I got the mail and inside was this.
My Mom is very excited about the "two by two" on the invite.
An invite to MY baby shower! I immediately started crying. Tears of joy, gratitude, relief and so much more than I can put into words. My Mom walked in the door to me bawling my eyes out. She got worried that something was wrong, but I told her it was because I got the invite. I told her how I had been feeling and that I was planning on talking to her that day about it not being a surprise. She said she has had a feeling about all of it for a while so she had called the Hubby and asked him about it. When he confirmed her suspicions she and my MIL decided to send me an invite and not have it be a surprise. She also half jokingly told me that I shouldn't worry about the attention because none of this is about me! Hehehe! It's all about the babies! That made me laugh and actually feel better. I have been keeping that thought in my head and it's getting me through. All the attention is on Squirt and Roo, not me. The shower is for Squirt and Roo and not me. I will be an invisible floating belly at the shower! I like thinking about the last one!

Since I found out when the shower is I have been able to work things out in my head. I don't feel panic anymore when I think about it. I don't feel like I will be an emotional and anxious mess when I am there. I know it will still be very emotional, but an amount that I will be able to handle.

I still had a very difficult time doing the registry. I just can't ask people to spend money on us, but with lots of pushing and help from my Mom and Hubby we finally got it done. I have been told our registry is kinda boring since we basically put the bare essentials on it, but I did go back and add a couple things just for fun that made the Hubby and I happy. I call that a little breakthrough.

Now I am actually getting excited about it! February 16th is going to be a great day!

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

27-28 weeks

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 27-28 week

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. As of Tuesday morning I was 230. In the last 2 weeks I have gained 3 lbs and a total so far of 24 lbs. Looks like I have gone from about 3 lbs a week to 1 1/2 lbs. I haven't changed my diet at all (actually eating more ice cream than before) so I guess they are going through a growth spurt and stealing all my calories again. As long as they are growing!

What's going on with the babies?: We talked to Dr Monty about how we were feeling about the last scan. I didn't realize just how upset I was till I started talking to him. That last tech really made me uncomfortable. Monty did and U/s himself and took some measurements. We were very surprised that they both turned head down! According to him they are very close in size so he doesn't know how the tech got such different numbers. He talked me down and made me feel a lot better. He said for twins they still look like they are in singleton range as far as size so they are definitely growing nicely. I called the peri office, told them about my bad experience and made sure I never have that tech again. Hopefully at our next U/s on Friday we will get some more detailed info and some pictures to share. It's been a while since we got some.

What's going on with my body?: Since they turned head down all the pressure on my stomach is gone! I went from waking up in the middle of the night with bile and acid coming up to absolutely nothing! It was a trade off though. Now I have a ton of pressure on my bladder. Their heads are really pushing. Been peeing a lot more and have unfortunately peed my pants and the bed when they really push. The Hubby and I find it pretty funny though.

What does the belly look like?: I have been told by my family that my belly doesn't look very big for twins. I personally have no idea. My cousins all stuck out pretty far with one so I guess they are comparing me to them. I think I figured out that I don't really stick out too far because my belly is pretty wide. They are basically staying side by side so it makes sense. The stretch marks are getting pretty bad, but they don't bother me anymore. My body is doing what it needs to do to let these babies grow big and strong so I will embrace it. I finally posted a new belly pic! I have been so bad at remembering to take pics for myself. Gonna try to take more. Oh I just remembered I do have a 24 week pic from Christmas. I will have to get a copy!

Maternity clothes: I had to get the next size up in pants. My old ones still fit, but they are getting tighter by the week so I know I will need the new ones to get to the end of the pregnancy. They are very comfortable and still a little too big. I know I will grow into them though.

Movement: It is so crazy how much they are moving now. Sometimes feels like they are awake most of the day. My belly gets majorly lopsided and ripples all the time. It's so fun! I have been trying to catch it on video, but they always seem to stop as soon as I hit record. If I ever get it I will share it with you.

Sleep: I have been sleeping so well. I only wake up once to pee and once to roll over. It is getting very difficult to roll over in bed. I laugh when I catch myself grunting while I do it.

Cravings/aversions: Strawberry ice cream has been a big craving recently. I'm trying not to eat it every night, but sometimes the babies want what the babies want! :)

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out! My family sometimes says they don't believe us that we don't know. They think we found out and just aren't telling them. I promise, we have no idea. No Dr or tech has even checked yet. No one knows! I know Dr Monty will be checking at some point before we deliver just so he knows who is coming, but he won't be telling anyone.

Names: We have a list of about 10 names of each. We are slowly narrowing it down to 3 or 4 of each. My family have started to make suggestions on names. Some have actually guessed some on the list, but we are keeping them a secret till we name them.

What I miss: Still missing sex. 15 weeks and counting. :(

What I am looking forward to: Nesting has really started to kick in and I am excited to really get things ready.

Mood and emotions: I think the hormones have increased because I have been pretty weepy. Random things are making me cry both happy and sad. Before this past week it was very rare and now it's almost every day.

Milestones: I am in the 3rd trimester!!!

Medical concerns: Nothing right now which is nice.

Sex?: Nope

Best moment of the week: Getting an invitation to my own baby shower! Working on a post about it.

Hows Daddy?: It is really cool seeing him learn new things about babies. He hasn't had any experience except holding them when they are a little older. Seeing him practice things like swaddling and diapering gets me so excited!

Nursery: I really need to get going on it. We don't have furniture and stuff yet, but we still have things to clear out of there.

Blankets to keep: I decided to do my cousin's blanket first. I want to make sure hers in done because I have a feeling things will be getting a little crazy closer to her shower. She is only 3 weeks behind me so there is a good chance I will be just about ready to deliver and maybe on bed rest or I might be home with newborns!

26 weeks

I wrote this 2 weeks ago and forgot to post it, so I will be doing a double post today.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 26 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. As of Tuesday morning I was 227. In the last 4 weeks I have gained 12 lbs and a total so far of 21 lbs. Even though I am still in normal range for weight gain for a twin pregnancy and Dr Monty hasn't said anything to me about my weight, seeing it come on fast like that is kinda crazy and a little difficult. I know I'm eating healthy and my babies are growing well so that's all that really matters.

What's going on with the babies?: As far as we know the babies are doing well. The results of the big anatomy scan came back good. Squirt seems to be a week bigger than Roo and the perinatologist hasn't said anything about being worried even though I think the gap is getting bigger. The last time we were there the tech was silent. Placentas and umbilical cords have good flow. I'm trying not to worry, but we haven't actually met the peri yet, just U/s techs each time we go. We hear results secondhand 2 weeks later from Dr Monty. I know they are keeping a good eye on them, but we have been there every 2 weeks since 12 weeks and still haven't met the peri. We are getting more U/s than most and I feel like we have less info. I will be talking to Dr Monty about it when I see him Tuesday. I just want to hear directly from the peri that everything is fine.

What's going on with my body?: I have really slowed down now. I can still do what I used to, but everything takes a little longer. The babies have moved up a lot and I can definitely feel more pressure on my stomach and lungs. I find myself taking more deep breaths throughout the day. Heartburn is basically gone during the day, but has come on full force at night. Squirt and Roo seem to slide up into my ribs when I lay down and put lots of pressure on my stomach which usually ends up waking me up with stomach acid almost in my mouth. I usually have to get up, eat crackers, water and tums to get rid of the burn and end up coughing a while from the feeling in my throat. I don't have any real swelling in my legs, feet and hands, but by the end of the day my legs do feel a little tight.

What does the belly look like?: The belly is now large and in charge! Stretch marks are here in full force. They are only on my belly so far. A few inches to the sides of my belly button and they run up and down. I know they look and feel so much better than they would if I wasn't massaging coco butter on them every day. Even though they are getting larger, they are staying light in color and aren't painful or itch at all. I remember how horrible they can feel from past ones I have had. Coco butter is amazing! I still have an innie belly button, but it's definitely getting more shallow. I wonder if it will ever get to the point of being flat or out.

Maternity clothes: I finally bought some real maternity shirts. A bunch of basic v neck, long sleeve, cotton/spandex ones and a really pretty blouse with birds on it that I wore for Christmas. Everything was on sale and I got some bump bucks that I will be using this week to get another pair of jeans and underwear. I have finally gotten to the point where my undies aren't working anymore. I have been looking at dresses too. Part of me wants to get one. I want to dress up for a change and really feel pretty. We will see.

Movement: They are moving so much now! Kicking and flipping all over the place. We can totally see and feel it from the outside! I can feel them getting stronger and I can't wait till I can see body parts dragging across my belly. I don't think it will be long.

Sleep: Hubby and I splurged and got a king size bob o pedic. We used to have a very old queen mattress and the Hubby was basically using my belly as an arm rest at night. It is absolutely amazing! We have so much room and the mattress cradles my body so well I don't need any pillows! I just put one between my legs so my hips don't hurt. Every once in a while I still cuddle up with my snoogle though.

Cravings/aversions: I wrote a while ago about my love/hate relationship with bananas. Since being pregnant the relationship has been one of hate. Just the thought of them made me sick. All of a sudden last week I had a craving for one. I was a little hesitant because the texture usually makes me gag. I finally gave in and at one and now I can't get enough of them! That is so crazy to me! I have also been craving anything strawberry.

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out! My family sometimes says they don't believe us that we don't know. They think we found out and just aren't telling them. I promise, we have no idea. No Dr or tech has even checked yet. No one knows! I know Dr Monty will be checking at some point before we deliver just so he knows who is coming, but he won't be telling anyone.

Names: We have a list of about 10 names of each. We are slowly narrowing it down to 3 or 4 of each. My family have started to make suggestions on names. Some have actually guessed some on the list, but we are keeping them a secret till we name them.

What I miss: I am back to really missing sex. It's been 13 weeks.

What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery ready. I am starting to get into nesting mode. I have so many ideas for sewing projects. I think I might make my own crib skirts and curtains. I just need the Hubby to set up my sewing machine again.

Mood and emotions: Since passing 24 and 25 weeks I have been feeling really good. Relaxed and calm. I have been feeling kinda emotional and overwhelmed at the thought of my family throwing me a shower. Working on a post about it.

Milestones: I'm past viability and getting close to the third trimester!

Medical concerns: Kinda worried about Roo being smaller, but we will talk to our Drs soon.

Sex?: Nope, and I am really missing it again. I did finally get the nerve to ask Dr Monty if we could. He told me not yet, but he will let us know when. He just wants to wait a little longer. Maybe in the third tri? We will see. I have a feeling by the time we are allowed to I will be too big and uncomfortable.

Best moment of the week: Getting our new bigger bed and we splurged on new couches. Everything was very old and falling apart.

Hows Daddy?: He is doing great! I can tell he is getting really excited about the babies. He can really feel and see them move now and loves to have his hands on my belly. I think he might be starting to nest too. He is making it a priority to finish all the little things around the house that have been sitting for a long time.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): He has been coming home and telling me about conversations he is having with his coworkers about the babies. It is so cute to hear how excited he is and all the funny things they talk about. Interesting name choices, usually coworkers suggesting their own names and all the funny and gross things that come with pregnancy.

Nursery: We finished registering, but other than cribs and a dresser we didn't put anything on for the nursery to decorate. I have had a bunch of ideas of sewing some things. We will see what happens over the next couple weeks. Maybe I can get my ideas into action.

Blankets to keep: I think I have finally decided on what blankets to make Squirt and Roo. Going out this weekend to get the yarn and get started. I also will be getting yarn to make a blanket for my cousin D who is about 4 weeks behind me and having a girl. It only took me a day to figure out what to make her. Took me 20 weeks to figure out what to make for our babies. Sheesh!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

role reversal

Like so many of you, Since TTC and through this pregnancy I have gotten countless shots in my belly and butt. Lots of follistim, ovidrel and progesterone. Some I gave myself, some my Dr gave, but most of them were given to me by my dear sweet Hubby.

He always did a great job and stepped up when I couldn't do it myself because I was too emotionally invested in the cycle. It was a way for me to step back a bit and lift some of the pressure. Now, the roles are reversed.

When TTC, we found out that on top of my anovulation the Hubby had a low sperm count due to low testosterone. He was put on clomid and it worked great. Clomid is not something his Dr wanted him on for a long period of time so when I hit 12 weeks pregnant he was weaned off it. To keep him healthy and feeling good he was put on testosterone replacement. There are 2 major options, topical gels and IM injection.

With the topical gel I would have to be careful around him and make sure I don't come in contact with the gel on his skin so we decided the injection was the best idea at least while I am pregnant.

His Dr gave him the first couple and since then it has been my job. I get to give my Hubby a big shot in the butt! The testosterone suspension is thick! A lot thicker than progesterone so it takes a lot longer to inject. I know the Hubby hates needles. He doesn't freak out about them, but he definitely doesn't like them. Now, I get to be there and do something for him that he can't do for himself.

I'm glad we decided on the injection. He feels great on it.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

looks like i peed the bed

Yup, you read that right.

Around 11 this morning I woke up with a wet spot on my sheets about the size of my hand. I didn't freak out and just went down the checklist of what I am supposed to report and figure out if it was amniotic fluid. TACO.

T- time it happened
A- amount of fluid
C- color of fluid
O- odor of fluid

I wrote down the time and that the spot was about the size of my hand. It was only on the sheet since we have one of those waterproof mattress protectors on the bed. I couldn't tell what color it was (Stupid colored sheets!) and it didn't smell like anything. I calmly told myself it wasn't first morning urine and I have been drinking a lot of water so my urine has been pretty clear.

I was fine till I called the Hubby. Cue little freak out and tears. Told him about the wet spot and how I didn't know what it was. He said he would leave work and I called Dr. Monty. I told them about the fluid and how I wasn't leaking, contracting or in any pain and there was no other discharge. He was in a delivery and the receptionist would try to get a hold of him. She called back and said she couldn't, she would keep trying and he would be in the office at 1. If he was worried he would have me come in to get swabbed so they can test if I had any amniotic fluid in my vagina.

While I waited I did what I was supposed to. Rested on my left side, drank a bunch of water and felt for any contracting. I felt nothing. Hubby came home and we waited for the call.

A little after 1 we got a call back. He said he wasn't worried and it was most likely urine. I did the right thing to call and he wants me to call just like I did with any changes. He knows I keep on top of things.

We had seen him on Tuesday and the U/s showed that both Squirt and Roo had flipped head down. Since then I have been having a lot of pressure on my bladder and more of an urgency to go. Everyone thinks that they probably were dancing around in there a lot while I was sleeping and made me pee.

Thank you children! That was so nice of you! This wasn't the first time I have peed my pants and it probably won't be the last.

Just like it was said after the bleeding scare at 13 weeks, you two are grounded! You are not to come out of your womb till April!!!

Friday, January 4, 2013

viability, the best Christmas present ever!

Christmas morning I woke up feeling amazing. I was calm and felt so connected to Roo and Squirt again.

We made it, 24 weeks! Viability!

Now, I know this doesn't mean that we are out of the woods, but I am not thinking about that anymore. Reaching 24 weeks did an amazing thing for me. It brought me back to a good place. It brought back my faith. I truly believe these babies will be coming home with us. We will cuddle them and watch the perfect little combination of the Hubby and I grow into their own little people.

New Year's morning I woke up in an even better place. 25 weeks! 2013. A new beginning, a fresh start. I made it a point to put all the old, scary thoughts behind me for good. I don't really make resolutions, but decided to make a few positive changes that make me happy.

Every morning I take the time to just be with my babies. I talk and sing to them. I "play" with them. Every night I make sure the Hubby get's his time with them. I am taking it one day at a time and taking in every moment.

I also am making an effort to get back to blogging. I realized how I have disconnected from this community and I hate that I have and feel horrible how behind I am on everyone's stories. I promise I am back and can't wait to catch up with everyone.

I know I'm late, but I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and wishing you a safe and healthy New Year! Praying 2013 brings you the desire of your hearts!
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