Thursday, December 20, 2012

on fears and fighting that old pull of depression

I just wanted to warn everyone this is a pretty long post where I talk about depression and the fears of miscarriage. I am extremely blessed and grateful to be pregnant, but I am allowed to have my own feelings and fears and I need to let them out. I am not very eloquent and things don't always come out right. I can ramble on and not be very clear sometimes. I hope you understand and I am sorry if anyone takes it as being ungrateful. That is not how I feel.

I have been in a strange place over the past month and I couldn't figure out what was going on in my brain. At first it obviously was being upset about Purcey and fighting hard to make sure I didn't slip into that old depression, but I could also feel something pulling me back from really embracing my babies like I had done for the first 19 weeks or so. Until I got past that pull of depression and my subconscious let me in through a dream last week, I had no clue that others losses in this community had affected me so much.

I haven't really talked about it much on my blog. I have mentioned depression and how I was going through bouts of it at different times in this journey, but other than emails with other bloggy friends I don't think I have ever mentioned being diagnosed when I was a teenager and being on prozac till about 4 years ago, when my situation had changed. I had moved out of my Mom's house and away from our horrible, destructive, mentally abusive relationship. (Only after I left could we really work on it) I was happy and being on the prozac while basically happy made me feel like I had no emotion. I couldn't cry when I felt I needed to. It made me feel numb. I then decided I needed to go off of it so my Dr weaned me off. There were a few times during our IF journey that I thought about going back on it, but I had that fear of what the meds would do to my baby when I did get pregnant. I know now how the benefits of me being mentally in a good place totally outweigh the low risks of the meds on babies in utero.

After Purcey died, every once in a while I could feel that old pull of depression. The difference between this time and all the other times was I could actually feel it and recognize it and it scared me. All the other times in the past the depression just came. I slipped easily into those dark places and didn't feel and recognize it till it was too late. I was so shocked at how I felt it and could actually work it out in my head that this was depression trying to sneak up on me and actually do something about it.

I remember the moment I realized it. The day after he died I was in bed. After crying for a while I felt numb and then I felt the depression. Being able to recognize it scared me. I could remember what it had done to me in the past. How it kept me in bed. How I pulled away from so many people I loved. How horrible I felt physically and it scared the shit out of me. I know going back there was something I didn't want to do, but I remember even more so it scared me to do that to my babies.

"Hell no am I going to let my babies feel that horrible depression! It was bad enough that I went through it I don't want them to have to!" Ran through my head. I totally give all the credit for what I did next to my psyc and my babies. My psyc for the past year and a half of working with me and teaching me how to deal with everything and my babies for just being there and saving me.

As soon as I made the decision that I would not do this to Roo and Squirt. I hopped right out of bed and frantically worked out what I needed to do. The truth was I had no clue what I needed to do so I just focused on the babies. Even if it was just a distraction it would be enough to fight that pull. Over the next few days I kept busy with anything and everything for the babies. If I couldn't find something to keep me busy in the house, I left the house. I reached out to my family and had them help me keep busy. And you know what? It worked and I am completely amazed at myself.

Over these past few weeks I have really done a good job of pushing it away and not letting the depression effect me. I have worked through it with my psyc and gotten back to a good place, yet I still felt something pulling me away from my pregnancy. Almost a disconnect. It was very subtle and felt like it was hidden. I love and thought about my babies all the time, but there was still something there.

A few nights ago my mind finally let me in. That feeling of disconnect was deep and my subconscious finally explained it to me in a dream. In my dream I was somewhere between 20 and 23 weeks and my water broke. Then I woke up.

I remember waking up from that dream in a complete panic checking my sheets for wetness or blood and rubbing my belly and mentally willing my babies to move. They did and I calmed down. Subconsciously I have been fearing losing my babies and I think it only surfaced now because of where I am in the pregnancy. I am a week away from that 24 week mark that can give so many of us a little sense of relief.

Being infertile you know too much. Being in this amazing ALI community you meet and connect with so many wonderful people. You get amazing, life changing support that I will forever be grateful and in debt to you all for and you are able to give of your heart to others which I am grateful to be able to do. Unfortunately in this community there is a lot of heartache and suffering. People you love have to go through things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and even if you personally have never experienced it, it can stick with you.

I wish everyone out there with angel babies never had to go through what you did, but I never wish that I wasn't a part of your lives and your story. I don't regret reading your posts and crying and praying for you. I would never take any of it back. I pray that I haven't upset anyone. I love you and I don't want anyone to be upset because I am expressing my fears.

I finally got to talk to my psyc today about it. Finally realizing my underlying fear, where it was coming from and why I was a little disconnected made me feel a little better. We connected it to other things I have gone through in my past too. Even though these fears are still in the back of my mind I know how blessed I am to be where I''m at. I love these babies with all my heart and I am so grateful that I have connected with them so much already.


  1. Around this time in my pregnancy my daily fear was losing the babies because of all the tragic stories I'd heard and witnessed. Friends of ours lost twins at 23 weeks when I was about 9 weeks. It was the scariest part of the pregnancy.


  2. Thank you for writing this. I think it's very important to discuss depression and pregnancy, but I think a lot of people are afraid to. I have a very long history of depression and, although I'm generally very happy now, I do have moments where I feel as if it's creeping back into my life so it's something I have to be very aware of.

    I've been fortunate in that I've never suffered a loss (knock on wood), but like you I've been deeply affected by the tragedies in our community and I can't help but fear that it will happen to me, too. I often wonder why I should be lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy and baby when so many didn't, and then the worry sets in.

    Anyway, I think you've done a great job in taking care of yourself and the babies. I know how hard it can be to fight off depression once it starts to take hold, so you deserve a lot of credit for that.

  3. What is wonderful is that you read the signs and you know it is not how you want to be. That is the first step to beating it. I have suffered depression a couple of times and now if I feel like I am going down hill, I recognise it and usually manage to head it off.

  4. Being afraid of losing the pregnancy is normal especially when you know of so many of us that have done just that. We all have the same fears. I too use distraction to help change my moods. Thinking about a happy future with you and your husband pushing the twins around on the swings, walking with them in a double stroller, going on picnics and family outings and eventually to Disneyland as a family is a great way to get through the day. If thinking positive doesn't work trying volunteering, but don't do more than you can handle. Maybe doing story time at the local library? How about working on the blankets?

  5. It's not easy to be in this community. We love and support one another ... but the reality is that you read so much heartache because we're all concentrated in one place. It's OK to feel anxious, and it's also OK to take a step back and take care of yourself by not reading ... and remembering that every pregnancy is different, that this is YOUR pregnancy, and that this is unlike any other that would take place in your body.

    I think it's great that you were able to keep busy.

    Hang in there!!

  6. Being able to recognize the symptoms is half the battle they say and it sounds like you've done a great job at recognizing your symptoms of depression and working through it all. You go girl!!

    I fully understand the impact this community has on us all. The positive out comes are great and they not so positive not so great, but they are there for us in totality and make us all who we are. I know I too struggled with some thoughts of loss and definitely keeping some people's journeys closer to my heart. None of these thoughts and fears make you any less grateful. They make you human. And hormonally pregnant.

  7. There is fear and loss in this community, but there is also hope. I had my twins full term and healthy at 38 weeks. And even though I had a case of PPD, I recognized it for what it was and got help, and everything was fine...better than fine. Remember that for every heartache here there are 10 success stories, maybe more! It is the sad stories that stick with us when we are afraid. But remember, there are many, many more happy ones, more than I can write in this comment without taking up all the space. Mine is just one. :)

  8. I too suffered depression as a teenager and in college. And at least once a day I have the same fear about losing these babies. Every little twitch or change or even headache I analyze looking for some sign of pre term labor. It is so difficult not to live in fear and get sucked into that. In my opinion there is no need to explain writing this post - it is your journey and this is a part of it. HUGS

  9. Hello Emily
    Thank you for visiting my blog and also for commenting and following :-) I have entered you for the giveaway. I am now your newest follower,
    ok I'm new you don't know me I don't know you....but your post certainly struck an emotive cord.....depression is a real living thing which many people do not recognize as an is! However in my opinion now you are pregnant.... which is super great have champions now to support you in your fight against depression....your babies will help you my dear....babies thrive on happiness and content surroundings not on fear and uncertainty and this is what must be foremost in your thoughts when those nasty depressive thoughts tend to engulf you......not easy I know but keep very active....fill your days with plenty to do and variety....blogging helps...crafting helps. I hope you don't mind me being rather forward in my comments but they are meant well I assure you. Babes love positive thinking and music...sing to them! All this will calm you too...believe me :-)

    keep well

    Amanda :-)

    1. babies??? are you carrying twins??? How wonderful!


  10. Thank you everyone for your comments. It was difficult to admit that I was feeling that way. I am glad I let it out though, because it helped me work through things. All your comments and positive thoughts really helped too. Thank you so much!


It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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