I just wanted to warn everyone this is a pretty long post where I talk about depression and the fears of miscarriage. I am extremely blessed and grateful to be pregnant, but I am allowed to have my own feelings and fears and I need to let them out. I am not very eloquent and things don't always come out right. I can ramble on and not be very clear sometimes. I hope you understand and I am sorry if anyone takes it as being ungrateful. That is not how I feel.
I have been in a strange place over the past month and I couldn't figure out what was going on in my brain. At first it obviously was being upset about Purcey and fighting hard to make sure I didn't slip into that old depression, but I could also feel something pulling me back from really embracing my babies like I had done for the first 19 weeks or so. Until I got past that pull of depression and my subconscious let me in through a dream last week, I had no clue that others losses in this community had affected me so much.
I haven't really talked about it much on my blog. I have mentioned depression and how I was going through bouts of it at different times in this journey, but other than emails with other bloggy friends I don't think I have ever mentioned being diagnosed when I was a teenager and being on prozac till about 4 years ago, when my situation had changed. I had moved out of my Mom's house and away from our horrible, destructive, mentally abusive relationship. (Only after I left could we really work on it) I was happy and being on the prozac while basically happy made me feel like I had no emotion. I couldn't cry when I felt I needed to. It made me feel numb. I then decided I needed to go off of it so my Dr weaned me off. There were a few times during our IF journey that I thought about going back on it, but I had that fear of what the meds would do to my baby when I did get pregnant. I know now how the benefits of me being mentally in a good place totally outweigh the low risks of the meds on babies in utero.
After Purcey died, every once in a while I could feel that old pull of depression. The difference between this time and all the other times was I could actually feel it and recognize it and it scared me. All the other times in the past the depression just came. I slipped easily into those dark places and didn't feel and recognize it till it was too late. I was so shocked at how I felt it and could actually work it out in my head that this was depression trying to sneak up on me and actually do something about it.
I remember the moment I realized it. The day after he died I was in bed. After crying for a while I felt numb and then I felt the depression. Being able to recognize it scared me. I could remember what it had done to me in the past. How it kept me in bed. How I pulled away from so many people I loved. How horrible I felt physically and it scared the shit out of me. I know going back there was something I didn't want to do, but I remember even more so it scared me to do that to my babies.
"Hell no am I going to let my babies feel that horrible depression! It was bad enough that I went through it I don't want them to have to!" Ran through my head. I totally give all the credit for what I did next to my psyc and my babies. My psyc for the past year and a half of working with me and teaching me how to deal with everything and my babies for just being there and saving me.
As soon as I made the decision that I would not do this to Roo and Squirt. I hopped right out of bed and frantically worked out what I needed to do. The truth was I had no clue what I needed to do so I just focused on the babies. Even if it was just a distraction it would be enough to fight that pull. Over the next few days I kept busy with anything and everything for the babies. If I couldn't find something to keep me busy in the house, I left the house. I reached out to my family and had them help me keep busy. And you know what? It worked and I am completely amazed at myself.
Over these past few weeks I have really done a good job of pushing it away and not letting the depression effect me. I have worked through it with my psyc and gotten back to a good place, yet I still felt something pulling me away from my pregnancy. Almost a disconnect. It was very subtle and felt like it was hidden. I love and thought about my babies all the time, but there was still something there.
A few nights ago my mind finally let me in. That feeling of disconnect was deep and my subconscious finally explained it to me in a dream. In my dream I was somewhere between 20 and 23 weeks and my water broke. Then I woke up.
I remember waking up from that dream in a complete panic checking my sheets for wetness or blood and rubbing my belly and mentally willing my babies to move. They did and I calmed down. Subconsciously I have been fearing losing my babies and I think it only surfaced now because of where I am in the pregnancy. I am a week away from that 24 week mark that can give so many of us a little sense of relief.
Being infertile you know too much. Being in this amazing ALI community you meet and connect with so many wonderful people. You get amazing, life changing support that I will forever be grateful and in debt to you all for and you are able to give of your heart to others which I am grateful to be able to do. Unfortunately in this community there is a lot of heartache and suffering. People you love have to go through things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and even if you personally have never experienced it, it can stick with you.
I wish everyone out there with angel babies never had to go through what you did, but I never wish that I wasn't a part of your lives and your story. I don't regret reading your posts and crying and praying for you. I would never take any of it back. I pray that I haven't upset anyone. I love you and I don't want anyone to be upset because I am expressing my fears.
I finally got to talk to my psyc today about it. Finally realizing my underlying fear, where it was coming from and why I was a little disconnected made me feel a little better. We connected it to other things I have gone through in my past too. Even though these fears are still in the back of my mind I know how blessed I am to be where I''m at. I love these babies with all my heart and I am so grateful that I have connected with them so much already.