Monday, October 31, 2011

my trip and my stupid body

Phew! Just finished 6 days of posts I missed. I had major withdrawal and I am never doing that again! I gotta make sure I can read and comment on posts at least every couple days.

I Love reading all your blogs and all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Whether you are TTC, grieving a loss or celebrating or worried about a pregnancy. I think about you every day and pray you find hope, comfort and peace.

I am also so excited people are reading my blog! Thank you for your comments. It is nice knowing someone is out there thinking of me.

So onto my trip. While the Hubby was  in business meetings I was visiting family. Nights everyone got together after work and it was a nice group of 9 of us. During the day it was just me, a preggo and a baby (and his mom). The mommy and baby are my best cousin T(1 of my 2 besties) and her 4 month old Little L. The preggo is V (another cousin). Little L is my Godson and I had missed him and T so much since they moved 10 hours away a couple weeks ago. We used to get together at least once a week. This visit though difficult was nothing like the last one...

A few months ago T, Little L and I took the drive down to visit T's immediate family. I was in a bad place then. Extremely jealous and angry about V's pregnancy. I was holding everything in and basically crying myself to sleep every night. She had gotten pregnant on the first try. She was 2 months at the time and this is going to be baby #6 in the family. I coulda been #2 if we had no IF issues or #4 if I didn't have a chemical. Anyway, every time we hung out during that visit all I heard out of V's mouth was complaining. How she felt sick, how she wasn't allowed to eat certain things she loved, how her back hurt and how difficult pregnancy was. She knew my situation and yet she always complained to me. One of the last nights I was there V and I were alone in the kitchen baking for Little L's baptism. I was licking the brownie batter of the spoon (only cuz I knew I wasn't pregnant) V started to complain how she loved licking the spoon and how its killing her that she can't because of the raw egg in the batter. After a week of hearing stuff like that I finally flipped. I didn't yell but burst into tears and sternly said "V do you have any idea what I would give up to be in your situation?! I would give up brownies for the rest of my life just to be pregnant like you! I would give up anything to be in your situation!" I just left her there in shock, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I apologized a few days later for flipping out a bit. She told me I shouldn't apologize and that she can't imagine what I am going through.

Back to the present...
Last weeks trip was so much better. There were times when we were all talking and the conversation changed to pregnancy or baby stuff, which it obviously does in that kind of company. I would find myself listening to a conversation I wasn't a part of or talking about stuff that made me cry and I let myself cry. There were times I was playing with Little L and he would smile and laugh at me or when he would cuddle up on my chest and fall asleep, I was happy and sad and I let myself cry.

The Hubby and other family would see me crying and ask me if I was OK and I could truthfully answer YES. I was OK. I am OK. I am allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to let it out. I am not going to miss spending time with V, T or Little L because I know I would regret it later. It may be difficult sometimes but I can do it.

My stupid body.
So for this trip I decided it would be too difficult to be tracking my cycle so we started our break this month too. During the long drive there I started to get some twinges only on my left side. I got excited cuz it was CD18, I hadn't ovulated in 4 months and when I do it's usually between CD18 and CD20. There was no way we would be able to do the horizontal polka cuz he was dropping me off with my family and heading straight to business meetings 2 hours away for a couple days. We talked it through and since we had no proof from OPK we were not going to worry about it and just enjoy our trip. We of course were thinking just our luck, but were OK. CD20 comes and I start spotting on and off to CD22. Now I am totally confused. I never spot until the day before AF and that had always been around 35 days since stopping BCP. Sunday morning, CD23 AF come full force. WTF! I am 2 weeks early! I am scared my stupid body is going back to the way it was before BCP. I used to have cycles that went anywhere from 10 days to 200 days. GRRRRRR I don't want this!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

finally home

I am finally home!

The Hubby and I just got in from what was supposed to be a 10 hour drive from North Carolina yesterday. We drove for as long as we could into the snow storm, but after 12 hours- 2 of them dead stop in Pennsylvania due to multiple accidents and downed trees- we decided to get a hotel for the night and let the storm pass and the roads thaw out a bit before we drive the rest of the way. Apparently everyone else had the same idea cuz we got the last room! This morning the roads were clear and it only took us 2 hours to go the rest of the way.

We have a lot of cleanup to do. Not a lot of snow shoveling, but because most of the trees still had leaves on them the heavy wet snow piled on and pulled down lots of branches. 2 huge ones came down from some big pine trees at the side of our house. They completely flattened our bushes and just missed our grill. I am so happy nothing came down on our house or my car! I still can't believe we got this much snow in October! I was told that we haven't had this much this early since the Civil War. That is just crazy!

I will be back a little later after the clean up. I have so many of your posts to read (been having withdrawal) and gonna post about my trip.


Monday, October 24, 2011

taking our life off hold

A few months ago I really started working on me and getting myself out of this "funk". Going to a psychologist was a big step for me and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. One of the things I realized while talking to my psyc was my life was completely on hold. The Hubby and I had talked many times about going on vacation, but never pursued it. We wanted to visit family, never took the trip. I was always thinking about the what If's. What if it's time to start a cycle and we are going away. What if I take a road trip with my best cousin and the Hubby and I are apart when it's time to try. What if I do get pregnant and I'm too sick to enjoy myself. I feel kinda stupid saying that last one, but truthfully that was a part of my thoughts. I even stopped making little plans like lunches with friends,  game nights with family and just doing fun things for myself. Stopping those things was more due to the depression, but it was all a part of my life on hold.

After sharing my revelation with the Hubby we decided to work on it together. He pushed me to have fun, connect with people again, do things that make me healthy and happy and spoil myself a bit. I started to make plans again. Lunch with old and new friends. I joined the gym again and got myself back on track. I took a road trip with my best cousin T and her new baby Little L to visit our family in North Carolina. I Love road trips!  The Hubby and I planned a trip to Florida for Thanksgiving so we could visit his Dad and Step-mom. One thing I wanted to, but was hesitant to do because I don't like to spend money on myself is get a massage, I had gotten one years ago and it was amazing. The spa was having special membership deal and my Hubby kept insisting I do it. So after arguing with him about how I didn't want to spend the money he kept pushing so I finally did. I now get a massage every month! I am so blessed I have the Hubby who knows what I need more than I do and goes above and beyond to make me happy...

Last week was our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. We decided to go with the traditional gift which was leather. The Hubby of course joked that he was getting me skimpy leather lingerie and whip and I told him if he wanted to get me it go ahead ;) I got him leather bound copies of The Count of Monte Cristo and The Chronicles of Narnia, 2 of his favorite stories when he was younger. The Hubby got be a beautiful leather shoulder bag that can also turn into a backpack. As I was checking out all the room and pocket the bag had, I found a paper in the bottom. I pulled it out, read it and started balling my eyes out, happy tears. WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY!!!!! The Hubby told me he planned it months ago when we decided to go to Florida for Thanksgiving, but wanted to wait till our Anniversary to surprise me. He said he knew we needed to get away, have some fun and just be with each other, we haven't done that since our honeymoon.

We decided when we go we will take a TTC break. No BBT, OPKs or worrying about timing the horizontal polka if I actually do ovulate. We are taking our life of hold! I CAN'T WAIT!!

PS- We are leaving tomorrow morning on a 10 hour road trip! The Hubby had business in North Carolina so he decided I was coming along and we are going to visit family. I miss my best cousin T and Little L, they moved there a few weeks ago. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with all your posts while I am away. Love you all!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

my first blog post

This is kinda scary. First post. Lots of pressure.

First off I would like to give a shout out to Beckie @ Beckie's Infertility Journey. HI BECKIE!!! I STARTED A BLOG!

Hers was the first blog I ever read. I found her by accident while searching for tattoo ideas...I will tell you about that in another post. The day I started reading her blog was one of my lowest. We had just found out that I wasn't the only one with the IF issues, the Hubby had them too. (you can read about my timeline here) I was so angry! Not at the Hubby or myself. I was angry that he now had to go through this. Kinda sounds strange. I was OK with me having to go through all the testing, pain and guilt. I didn't want him to have to carry that burden. This was also the first time we were given choices and it scared me. We could choose to go straight to IVF or try clomid on the Hubby and hopefully do IUI. How could we decide what was the best path? What if we choose the wrong one?

The Hubby was cool as a cucumber through the whole thing. I Love that about him! He told me that it is no one persons burden to carry. Even when we thought the issues were just me, we were doing it together. Every test, every choice, every step of the way together. He also reminded me that any choice we make will be the right one for us. We decided to try the clomid and hopefully do an IUI.

We had made a decision that we were happy about, but now we had to wait. We were so close but still so far. I was still extremely depressed and felt very alone. The Hubby tries to understand, I try to make him understand, but he is not a woman. I am the ONLY ONE in my big family and circle of friends who has had any issue whatsoever with TTC. When I started reading Beckie's and so many other blogs I found this amazing community of people just like me. People who feel the way I do and know EXACTLY what I am going through. The more I read the less alone I felt. Even though I wasn't talking to you guys and sharing my story I felt so connected and my feelings validated. It was OK to feel this way. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for doing that for me.

I guess for my first post I should also explain my title. A blanket 2 keep. If you have read about me you probably saw that I Love Love Love to crochet. Since TTC there have been lots of babies born around me. Since I Love to crochet and Love the idea of giving a personal special gift to especially my closest friends and family, I made them baby blankets. They were made with so much Love and some tears. While crocheting them I couldn't help thinking, when will it be my turn? When will I pick out special yarn and colors for my little one? When will I spend all that time, hard work and put all my Love into a blanket 2 keep? Friends and family have told me to just make one for myself and keep it for when I do have a baby. I just can't do it. I'm not superstitious or anything thinking that if I make one then I wont conceive. I would like to enjoy making one for my baby while he/she is growing inside me. That just feels right and excites me. You guys understand, right? I knew I could count on you! So I will keep hopefully and anxiously waiting for the day I can make a blanket 2 keep.

Thank you for reading my first post! It felt so good to write all that out!

PS- Over the past few months I have been reading and posted comments on some of your blogs. I posted under the same name, Emily, but a different email address. If I follow your blog and you got a comment from Emily that was me. Hi again! Since I decided to start a blog I have a new email and I will be following and commenting on this one from now on. Thanks.
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