Thursday, December 29, 2011

aunt flo likes me, she really really likes me!

I am freaking out! (in a good way) Almost 12 hours after I begged and pleaded for Aunt Flo to come, she showed up completely out of nowhere! I usually get some symptoms about a week before she shows up. Almost always sore nipples and I usually spot for a day or 2 before I really start. I was about to head out to the grocery store when I started to cramp up and then almost immediately started full flow! That never happens! I totally can't believe it!

I have a feeling Chickenpig's beautiful written invite a couple hours before really made her happy and she decided to grace me with her presence. THANK YOU CHICKENPIG!!!! And Thank you everyone for all your advice. I think I will be doing the IUI a couple days before we leave so I should be ok! Praying it's ok!

I will be going in for blood work and an US on Saturday morning and will probably be starting my clomid then too! This is crazy! I am getting closer and closer!

Now all I have to do is convince Aunt Flo to go on a nice long 9 month vacation!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

af, do i have to send you a written invitation?

I am currently on CD 30. I know my cycle is on average longer than this, but the past few months I have been either early or right around here. I have no signs she is on her way so I have a feeling this will be a long cycle and I have 2 big reasons for wanting her to show up now. #1, I and just so excited to start our first IUI cycle and #2, I had made plans months ago to be in NC from January 13th through the 16th for my cousins baby shower on the 14th. If AF doesn't show up by the 31st or even better the 30th then I will not be going cuz if my numbers are correct we will be doing the IUI then. I of course don't know for a fact what CD we will be doing the IUI, but I can guess.

If it turns out that I can't go then I have to tell a few family members that I was supposed to be driving with. My family knows our situation, but at this point they still think the Hubby is on medication or we are just doing testing. I did not want to tell anyone about moving on to an IUI! We are at a place where the questions have stopped and if anyone knew, especially my mother, we would be getting constant calls and questions digging for info and asking if I am pregnant or when do we find out. It would be nice to be able to surprise them if I do get pregnant.

So now since AF is gonna be her usual bitchy self and not come even when I am inviting and begging her to show up, I have to come up with an excuse. I want to let them know asap cuz it will change others driving/flying back plans (I am supposed to be driving back with an aunt while the rest fly). If I tell my family I am going for some "test" they probably won't ask questions, but I will have to tell my mom the same thing cuz if she finds anything out from anyone but me she will get pissed and she will be wanting to know everything about the "test". I am a bad liar. I would need to figure out a test, a reason and details. Or I could just tell her the truth and get bombarded with questions and calls even if I tell her I don't want to talk about it.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE AF COME NOW!

Anyone have any ideas? I'm gonna talk it over with my psyc tomorrow too.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

i found my Christmas spirit in a pot of pudding

On Thursday I went to my psyc and talked about Christmas. I told her how I am just not feeling it this year. This will be the 3rd Christmas without being pregnant or having our own little one since TTC. The thought of decorating upsets me. Putting up all our special ornaments and taking out stockings, advent calendars, train and Christmas books that have been tradition since the Hubby and I were kids was completely overwhelming. I wanted to share it with our own kids. Show them each ornament and each tradition and tell them the stories about it. Even if I had an infant or a little one growing inside me, who obviously would not know what the heck I was talking about, I would still tell them all about it.

My psyc had a few suggestions. "If it is too upsetting and overwhelming then just don't do it. The Hubby understands and the world won't end if you don't decorate. Or do something completely different or crazy. Go out and grab some cheap ornaments that have no sentimental value or decorate with whatever you want. You could decorate your tree with silverware, office supplies or underwear! Whatever makes you happy!" At this point she had me laughing. "Why not have an adult Christmas? Do something crazy that you can't do when you have kids like open your presents naked! Whatever you do focus on what you do have, each other. Make it yours. Make YOU happy."

I left there feeling a little better. Not as guilty for not decorating. I talked it over with the Hubby and he was fine with leaving all the decorations in the attic and just making everything low key and as relaxed as possible. We also called our family and changed some plans. My MIL was supposed to be coming over to our house Christmas day. She knows about our situation so I told her how I was feeling. She understood and was very supportive so we moved the festivities to her house where I could just relax and have a good time.

 Even though I was upset and not really in the Christmas spirit, I was looking forward to my family's celebration. We are Norwegian so we traditionally celebrate Christmas eve. We all get together for dinner, sing, play games, catch up, play with babies go to church, come back have dessert and do more of that fun stuff. We have some traditional dinner items, but in our family dessert is the big deal. We usually have more dessert choices than dinner with tons of traditional cookies, pies, cakes and puddings. The big one though is a rice pudding we call Riskrem (rice cream).

My Momma (Mom's Mom) made it every year for as long as I can remember. Her Mom made it before her in Norway and her Mom before her. After Momma moved to Florida the task was given to one of my Tantes (aunts) then when she moved to North Carolina another Tante tried to make it, but made the rice too hard. Then a cousin tried and turned it to mush. 3 years ago the task was given to me and I have been making it ever since. I was told I make it exactly like Momma which is the biggest compliment in our family.

Riskrem is really a labor of love. Making it requires you to stand at the stove for 1-2 hours straight and has a couple of steps that takes 2 days. Friday night as I was standing over the pot on the stove and stirring away, I was thinking about what a huge tradition this is. You would think it would be a lot of pressure, but it wasn't. I thought about all the love that was put into it over the years (even the ones that didn't turn out too good, we ate anyway because of all the love and hard work that was put into it). I thought of all the women who have made it over the years and realized how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my family. How blessed I am to have such loving, supportive, caring people around me and how I can't wait to celebrate with them. From then on the smile did not leave my face. I think I finally found some Christmas spirit.

Since our family loves to share a good meal and dessert I would love to share the recipe with you. Don't worry, it's not a family secret so no one will be mad at me. I grabbed my camera and took pics as soon as I found my spirit and decided to share the story with you guys.

Things you will need:

1 Cup of white rice
2  12oz cans of evaporated milk (make sure it is not sweetened)
2 cans of water (when you empty the cans of milk fill with water)
1/2 a stick of butter
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 a cup of sugar

For the second day you will need:

1 Cup of whipping cream
1 tsp of sugar
1 tsp of vanilla extract

FYI the pics are of a double batch. I would start with the single recipe above, it makes a good amount.





In a large pot combine rice, milk, water and butter on high stirring often till it comes to a boil. Reduce heat to low and stir almost constantly making sure you scrape the sides and bottom so nothing sticks and burns. You don't have to stir fast, it is just to keep everything moving a bit.











Cook till everything thickens and the rice is soft like how you would eat it. Stir in the vanilla and sugar and cook for a few minutes more.



Remove from heat and pour into a large bowl that has lots of extra room for the steps the next day. (the bowl above is the largest I own and did not have enough extra room as you will see in the next photos) If you would like you can stop at this step and eat it like regular rice pudding. When we eat it hot we call it Grud and traditionally put a little butter and cinnamon on top. Or you can move on to the cream and make it really rich.

Let it cool for at least an hour before you cover it and put it in the fridge over night. It will thicken more as it cools.










The next day it will be very thick as you can see. Mix it around a bit so the thicker top layer gets combined with the rest of the pudding.








 Whip the cream, sugar and vanilla till it is thick, light and fluffy whipped cream.








 Fold the whipped cream into the pudding making sure it is mixed through. This is the step that it helps to have lots of extra room in the bowl. I didn't so it almost over flowed as I added the whipped cream.












This will make it so nice and creamy and very rich too. I just love close up shots!





(I moved half the riskrem into another bowl so I could actually get the lid on this one)

Last but not least we put an almond on top. Right before we serve it the almond is mixed in to be hidden. When everyone has some the person who gets the almond in their serving wins a prize. Traditionally it is a marzipan pig which is a symbol of good luck for the new year. A lot of people don't like marzipan so the prize changes each year.




If anyone tries the recipe let me know how you like it. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Holiday no matter what you celebrate.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

stupid insurance

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the comments and suggestions for making metformin a little easier on me. I eased my way into it and it's better on my stomach. Another side effect showed up. I have absolutely no appetite on it. I had to force myself to eat today and couldn't even finish half my dinner It is so weird.

I have been running around like a mad woman trying to get everything done on my mad dash list. I have been trying to read and comment here and there throughout the day, but I am still days behind on all the blogs I want to read! Kinda having withdrawal from you guys.

If you are visiting for the first time through IComLeavWe, Welcome! You have come just in time to read me vent. Well aren't you lucky. I promise you my posts aren't usually like this.

This morning I woke up in a good mood. I ate breakfast, read some blogs and got down to work cleaning and organizing. While cleaning out a drawer I found a pile of pregnancy magazines that I started collecting from a Dr. office I worked at when we first started TTC over 2 years ago. They made me smile. I remembered reading them when we first started trying and how excited I was that I was going to be pregnant soon. Well we all know how that ended up, yet I was still smiling. Soon I will be pregnant. I have hope. I decided not to read them now. I will wait, so I put them back and closed the drawer.

As soon as I knew my RE office was open I gave them a call to make sure they got my most recent pap and to check on the prior auth for my clomid and ovidrel. They got my pap and were expecting to hear about the auth soon. They would call me. About an hour later the pharmacy called and said both were denied! I asked why. I was told they don't get that information so I have to call my insurance.

Months ago when I called my insurance I asked about meds and the IUI. I was told they cover a percentage of both so I was happy. Today when I called I was told this. Make sure you read the bold part.

ART / INFERTILITY DRUGS
BRAVELLE (urofollitropin), CETROTIDE (cetrorelix), CLOMID / CLOMIPHENE POWDER /
SEROPHENE (clomiphene citrate), CRINONE / ENDOMETRIN / FIRST- PROGESTERONE VGS /
PROCHIEVE / PROGESTERONE IN OIL / PROGESTERONE POWDER / PROMETRIUM
(progesterone), FOLLISTIM AQ (follitropin beta), GONAL-F / GONAL-F RFF (follitropin alfa),
GANIRELIX (ganirelix), ELIGARD / LUPRON DEPOT (leuprolide), LUVERIS (lutropin alpha),
MENOPUR / REPRONEX (menotropins),
Pre - PA Allowance
This is a covered benefit for male members and for female members greater than 50 years of
age
__________________________________________________________________________
Prior-Approval Requirements
Diagnoses
ALL diagnosis covered EXCEPT use in conjunction with Assisted Reproductive Technology
(ART) procedures
, which include but are not limited to:
- Artificial insemination (AI)
- In vitro fertilization (IVF)
- Embryo transfer and gamete intrafallopian transfer (GIFT)
- Zygote intrafallopian transfer (ZIFT)
- Intravaginal insemination (IVI)
- Intracervical insemination (ICI)
- Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI)
- Intrauterine insemination (IUI)

Ovidrel is not in this list, but she said it is part of the meds.

So that basically says none of those medications are covered if you are using them with any form of ART! WTF! Aren't a lot of those meds used only with ART like when making sure there are lots of eggs for IVF? I started crying on the phone. The lady on the other end was so nice. She apologized and said she wished it wasn't that way. She told me I could send in a letter of reconsideration with info from the Dr. of why they think it should be covered. She said if I wanted to pay out of pocket it would work the same for reimbursement, but it is not a guarantee of coverage. She wished me Happy Holidays and wished me luck with the treatment. I was still upset, but having someone so nice in the other end was a very good thing and probably the only thing that kept me from totally breaking down.

I called the pharmacy back to see how much it would be without insurance. They told me they have a discount plan where you pay $10 to enroll and it is for the whole year for any meds. With the discount the 10 clomid pills will be around $35 and the ovidrel injection will be around $90. It is not as bad as I thought it would be. The Hubby said we are doing it no matter what, even if we don't get reimbursed. So tomorrow I call the pharmacy back and they will send me my meds. I am really happy we are still on track.

Monday, December 19, 2011

the mad dash

So as you can see I changed my comments section to Disqus. I don't spend a ton of time on the computer so I get all my comments at once and by that time there are a few and if I want to reply it's all out of order and that bugs me. I like the idea of being able to comment back and forth on a post if I so choose and it just needs to be organized. That's just my OCD talking. I hope everyone still comments!

Anyway, today is the start of my cleaning, baking, decorating and wrapping mad dash before Christmas. Even though I am all excited about our upcoming IUI and in a good place mentally, I am just not feeling Christmas this year and have no drive to do any of the above mentioned. So now with only 5 days till Christmas (we celebrate Christmas eve) it is a mad dash to get things at least presentable.

I have been really bad about keeping up with housework. I have huge tumbleweeds floating down the hall from the cat, there are pine needles from all the trees and bushes outside tracked through the house, dirty laundry is piling up and our glass shower doors look frosted from the soap scum. There is a ton more to do, but I will spare the details because it is just embarrassing how much of a disaster my house is and I have the Hubby's family coming on Christmas day and a couple days after!

I love to bake, but I just have not been in the mood. I keep promising the Hubby that I will make him gluten free cookies and I just keep putting it off. I feel bad, but I just can't get into the spirit of it all. When I went to go bake with C my guardian angel it was different. I think I am more of a social baker now. I like hanging out and chatting with someone while we make delicious desserts. Something else that made it a really fun time, she had a kitchenaid standing mixer! I had never used one before and oh my gosh is that thing crazy easy and fun! I grew up mixing everything by hand and later in life I got a hand held electric mixer which made things a little faster. The standing mixer made it almost instant! Using it made me want one so bad, but I don't need it. I was telling the Hubby about it and he got that look on his face and I knew he wanted to get me one for Christmas. I told him no cuz I don't need it. He argued with me and said this is the first time in a very, very long time that I actually want something and he is going to get it for me. I never have a list which annoys the Hubby a bit. I sometimes ask for socks and undies, but the Hubby says that doesn't count.

So probably Tuesday or Wednesday the Hubby and I are going out to pick out our Christmas presents. We were already going out to pick out a socket set for him since I wanted to make sure he got the one he wants and now we are going to pick out a mixer for me! The Hubby said I can use it before Christmas as long as I make him cookies LOL! I told him I will be baking more often since this will make it so quick and easy!

Our tree is up, but still naked. We got a fake tree this year and I am not happy or sad about it. I kinda just don't care. For the last 3 years since we got married and bought a house we have been going out to get a tree with the Hubby's work friends. The first year she was pregnant with their first baby, the second year we pulled their cute little girl in a wagon around the tree farm and the third year she was pregnant with her second baby. This would have been the fourth year going out with them. We were waiting to hear the plan of when we were going and instead of a date we were told they were going with their parents this year. I feel like if we had kids they would probably still want to get together with us, but we are in different places in our lives now so we get left behind. That was one of the things that made it even harder to get into the spirit. We could have gone out ourselves to get one, but I was too pissed off so we got a fake one.

To me Christmas is all about the kids. Teaching them about Jesus and getting them all excited for His Birthday, having them help decorate and pick out/make gifts for family and friends, getting excited about Santa coming with a gift and baking and cooking our traditional feasts. It is still fun with my little brother, but every year without our own just drags me down. I know I have a long time till a baby is old enough to really get into all of it, but just having one around to show everything to would be nice.

Hopefully finally decorating, wrapping presents and baking this week will get me into the spirit of it all if not I just want it to fly by.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

it's starting!!!!

We went back to Dr. G, our RE yesterday morning. It was a very quick appt. She looked over the Hubby's SA report and was shocked and so excited that he was now in "normal" ranges. She went over the plan, gave me my Rx and we were out of there!

So here is the plan!

I am currently on CD 19

Last night I started metformin HCL ER 750mg twice a day. Boy are they horse pills!

On CD 1 I call in and make an appt for CD 3 blood work. That will hopefully be right around the new year or a little after.

They ordered the clomid and ovidrel. When I come in for the CD3 blood work they will give me the clomid, I think 50mg that I will take for 5 days.

I don't know specifics yet on the rest of the plan. I know I will get lots more blood work and intimate time with the magic wand. Eventually I will get the trigger shot and will be turkey basted 1 or 2 times.  I will find out the schedule probably at my CD 3 blood work.

I still can't believe it is happening!

O and guess what happened to me yesterday?! They Hubby, my Mom and I were talking outside after my little brother's Christmas pageant. All of a sudden a bird pooped on my head!!! I got all excited, but kept it inside! I know some of you are like eeewwww why are you excited about a bird pooping on your head? Where I come from it is a sign of good luck! A sign of good luck a couple hours after we get our plan! My Mom commented how it was good luck as she cleaned it out of my hair. I just smiled and said I hope so. We have not told her that we are starting treatment. As far as she knows the Hubby is still on clomid and we are still waiting. As soon as we got in the car the Hubby commented how excited he was that I got pooped on LOL!

I am also so surprised how calm and relaxed I am. When I get excited about something I am usually all jittery inside from it. I'm not jittery or nervous at all. It is a nice change. Hopefully  I can keep myself this way.

So does anyone have any metformin experience? I read over the list of side effects. I have only taken 3 pills so far and all ready have a lot of gas. Anything special I should be doing to prepare for my cycle?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

crochet show & tell: my prayer/comfort shawl




When I was younger my church had a prayer/comfort shawl ministry. The ladies would get together a few times a month to knit, crochet and quilt shawls for people going through medical procedures, grieving after a loss, in a time of stress, during an illness or recovery, for prayer or meditation or for a celebration. I always loved the idea. A prayer is said for the person receiving it before you start and you think about that person while making it. The shawl was meant to wrap someone in love. Comfort them and know they are not alone. Someone is thinking of and praying for them.


A couple of months ago my psyc and I were talking about how I have a need to take care of others. I put everyone else before myself in just about everything I do, even in my hobby, crocheting. Everything I make I give away. Blankets, teddy bears, purses, hats, scarves and so on. Everything I have made has been for someone else. I realized I have not kept one thing! She gave me a challenge. Before I started the next baby blanket (it would be my 3rd in 5 months) I was to pick out yarn and make something small, quick and easy for myself and actually KEEP it. I told her I don't need anything. She wasn't taking no for an answer. I was told to think about it and tell her what it would be by the next week.

I was stumped. I didn't need anything. I have winter hats and scarves. Making a teddy bear would just upset me at this point. It took me all week and out of nowhere I thought of the shawls. How I loved the whole idea of them. My mind went straight to who I would give it to. Then I yelled at myself, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF!" So I tried to think of something else to make.

The shawl kept popping back into my mind.
"I kinda want one, maybe someone in the church still makes them.
I will ask later I gotta figure out something to make for myself.
hmmmm...I could make one for myself.
NO! That's stupid and kinda selfish.
Is it?
Yes it is!
Maybe not...
yea too selfish."

I went back to my psyc and she asked me what I was making. I had settled on a hat. She could tell I wasn't too happy about it. I told her I don't need anything. She told me to stop saying I didn't need anything and and asked if there was something I wanted. The shawl popped back into my mind so I told her about it but quickly ended with how it was stupid and extremely selfish to make something for myself that was meant to give away. She asked me how it was selfish to make something for myself that could help comfort me. I didn't have an answer. Maybe it wasn't as selfish as I thought. I talked it over with her some more and decided to make one.

My thoughts were that I was going to have it with me at my Dr appts. Something to make me a little warmer when I am half naked on those cold tables. Something to hold onto and squeeze when something the Dr does gets uncomfortable. Something to catch my tears if I get upset. Instead of a big shawl I made a wide scarf.

I went to the craft store to pick out yarn. I decided I would start with the pomegranate color and just go crazy from there. I wanted it to be fun yet comforting. I said a little prayer before I started and got to work. While I crocheted I thought about my journey and my future. It was relaxing and kinda healing.

I haven't had any appts since I made it, but I wear it often as a scarf. When I think too much or get ahead of myself it is something I can hold on to and make myself calm down. Tomorrow is my big appt with the RE to figure out our IUI plan. My shawl with be with me every step of the way.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

missing my hubby and loving my friend

I decided there will be no POAS till it is a pregnancy test! Over these past 3 months of no tracking or testing I have been at my best mentally. There has been no pressure so I have been so relaxed. The Hubby and I feel like we are back in the "honeymoon phase". I am not gonna worry about if I ovulate or not because there is nothing I can do to make it happen. I am not gonna worry about timing the horizontal polka because it is so nice being spontaneous. It is amazing how often you want it when there is no pressure! Just gonna have fun and be happy.


The Hubby left this morning on a business trip. I hate when he goes away! I know it is short, he will be back Thursday, but I still hate it. I have a hard time sleeping. I keep waking up and reaching for his hand or try to roll over and cuddle with him. We are always touching in some way while we sleep. I only get about 3 hours a night so I am going to be exhausted by Thursday. And to be completely truthful I am scared of being alone. I feel so stupid saying this, but I actually sleep with the light on low while he is gone. I have woken up in the dark freaked out when he is not here. I know, I am such a wimp.


C, my guardian angel, invited the Hubby and I to her Family and Friends Christmas Party this weekend. Today we got together to hang out and do some baking for the party. We talked and I told her about how we get to move on to the next step. She was so excited for us and so positive about the future. I can talk to her like I talk to you guys since she knows how it all feels going through it herself years ago. We talked about pregnancy, babies, life and the future and it didn't upset me. I am in such a good place. She did say something that made me smile ear to ear but also tear up a little. She told me that she can see me being pregnant and how cute I will be. I love her so much!

We baked 5 different types of cookies/desserts. I can't wait for the party. It is going to be so much fun. I have heard so many stories of everyone having a blast. It is casual and we are encourages to wear fun and cheesy Christmas attire. I will be wearing a pair of Christmas slipper socks with jingle bells on them. I have had them since I was 10. We also bring odd or wacky gifts for a fun grab bag. There will be lots of amazing food and fun! I can't wait!!!

Monday, December 12, 2011

disney giveaway winners

First, I wanted to thank you for entering my giveaway. I loved reading how all of you stay hopeful and it really made me happy to see people were interested in the bracelets. The sentiments of having faith and believing are how I am trying to think day to day through my journey to becoming a mommy and I hope they stick with you through whatever journey you are on.

For the drawing I listed everyone's names down in the order they entered and next to a new number for each entry if they had multiple. (ex: person 1 had 2 entries so they are #1 & 2, person 2 had 2 entries so they are #3 & 4 and so on. Some people didn't post multiple comments for each entry, but it was easy enough to keep track of. I did use the random number generator, but I have no clue how to get a pic of the results. I tried and can't figure it out. Maybe someone can explain it to me for the next time I use it.

So now without further ado, the winners are...


#1     Mel @ Stirrup Queens

and

#2     Mr. Thompson and Me @ Viva la Vida!

Congratulations to both of you! As winner #1 Mel, you get to choose which bracelet you would like. Please email me your addresses so I can send them out to you ASAP!

I loved doing this giveaway! I will definitely be doing more!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

the last opk

So I have a lonely 7 day OPK sitting in my bathroom drawer. I have not POAS in 3 months cuz I needed a break and thought I still do, though for some reason those little sticks are calling me. "Please, please come pee on us!" DON"T WORRY I am not hearing little voices, yet something is making me want to see if I ovulate.There is a very good chance next cycle we will be doing clomid with an IUI. Does/has anyone still do OPK when you are being monitored for clomid, a trigger shot and IUI? I don't know if I would. Probably not.

I know I have no idea what the future holds, still I have hope that it will work. If not the first then maybe the second. This very well may be our last natural try for a while.

I know you are probably yelling at your screen "Just do it, what do you have to loose?" First off, I am not a big fan of POAS. Sometimes they scare me. Second, I would start Monday CD14 and the Hubby will be away on a business trip Tuesday and Wednesday night. When I do ovulate it is usually CD 17, 18 or 19 so he might be home in time. His spermies are so much better now so we have a better chance. I am just a little worried how I will feel if I do ovulate, he is around and I don't get pregnant. I know I will still be excited for the IUI, just don't want to make it bittersweet cuz that is not how I am feeling about it right now.

UGH! I don't know what to think! What should I do? The Hubby is all for me trying and keeps telling me he will be home in time. I have 1 more day to decide.


On another note, I added a reply option to my comments! I was thinking about doing Disqus until I saw a Blogger reply option on Alex's blog, First Time Twins. I asked her how she did it, unfortunately she couldn't remember and told me to search how which I never thought of, Thanks Alex! I found it! You can put "reply to this comment" next to the comment or now they have an updated version where you can actually put a "reply" button like I did. They have a whole bunch of options. You can go here for the updated version. You do have to change the HTML of your blog, but it isn't too difficult.

A couple things I wish they would change but cant:
  1. When you click on reply it opens up in a new little box. I wish they had an option to just make it on the original page.
  2. It does not notify the person you reply to unless you subscribe by email to the comments. I personally always subscribe if I comment.
I think I can live with that. I just hope people subscribe so they get any replies I or someone else makes. We will see how it goes.

AND DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY DISNEY GIVEAWAY!!! I WILL BE DRAWING THE WINNERS ON MONDAY!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

advance to go


Thank you everyone for your prayers and crossing your fingers! It worked!

I landed on Community Chest and pick up a card. There is always a chance I could get go directly to jail and have to wait for my turn again, but I flipped the card over and it said ADVANCE TO GO!!!!!

WE GET TO MOVE ON!

We brought in the sample, they put it in the incubator and we waited. 20 min later we were called in. They brought us to the microscope and we got to see his little swimmers in action. I always love this part! I am no expert, but it looked like there were more and they were really moving! The tech had a smile on her face which was exciting.

We sat down with Dr. S and he just smiled at us and said "They look good, don't they"? Then he went over the numbers. Everything increased! The count went up a lot and he is actually in the normal range now!! He sent the report to our RE Dr G and told us to make an appt with her cuz we are done with him for now.

The Hubby and I walked out of the office hand in hand in a kind of excited daze. We just kept looking at each other and I kept saying "we get to move on".

As soon as we got home I called Dr G. We have an appt for next Friday the 16th to go over everything. I got so excited and told the Hubby that AF is due probably the week of Christmas so me may be able to start a cycle then and could possibly find out we are pregnant around his Birthday. He was excited too, but being the down to earth one didn't want me getting too excited if we had to wait another month and reminded me we might not get pregnant the first time. I told him I know, but I like to dream. He smiled and gave me a kiss.

I also went to Monty my OBGYN for my annual check up and a pap. I haven't seen him since he referred me to the RE so I filled him in on everything that went on. He is so upbeat and full of hope. When I told him we are going back to Dr G now he got excited and said "so the next time I see you, you will be pregnant. I better get ready"! I love my Dr!

At dinner I had him pick up his glass of ice tea and told him people don't do this enough. I clinked my glass to his and said "to the next step". He smiled at me and repeated "to the next step"

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

tomorrow we get some answers

Finally the day is here! Tomorrow (actually later this morning since I am writing this at 3am) we go back to the Hubby's urologist for a SA! The Hubby has been on clomid for 4 months. Each month he had his hormones checked and they looked great each time. I also saw other good changes in him. I am so psyched cuz I have such a good feeling it worked at least enough that we can move on to a cycle. Our next step would be a clomid cycle for me with an IUI.

I know, I just know it worked, but there is a small chance it didn't. If it didn't then I am not sure what our options would be other than IVF. Maybe some other medication for him? I am not sure. We will find out soon, about 6 hours from now in fact.

I am also getting checked out tomorrow. Nothing big just my annual checkup plus pap. I will get to fill Monty in on all the happenings since he referred me to the RE.

Please say a little prayer we get to the next step! Love you all and thinking about you often.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

when you wish upon a star: disney part 4

Quick! Make a wish!
Beautiful star firework
Day 3 and our last night we went to The Magic Kingdom. Like everywhere else we saw everything and went on every ride. I really felt like a kid here. It brought back so many memories of coming here when I was little.

The Hubby and I strolled through the park hand in hand. It was very magical.

The castle was decorated with icicle lights for Christmas. It was beautiful. I took a lot of pics of the castle cuz it just looked so cool.
From the bridge with a reflection on the water.


That night we went back to Epcot for dinner at the Coral Reef Cafe. The restaurant is right next to the huge aquarium and a whole wall in the dining room is glass so you can see all the fish, sharks and turtles! We sat right next to the glass. Our view was beautiful.
Only got 1 pic. Was too busy eating amazing seafood.
When we went back our last night in Disney I was on a mission. We were there to see the fireworks, but there was one more thing I had to do. I wanted to make a wish at Cinderella's fountain. I dragged the Hubby through crowds of people who were finding the perfect spot to see the fireworks and there we stood in front of the fountain pennies in hand.
The Hubby went first. I told him not to tell me what his wish was, but tell me when it comes true. Then it was my turn. I am going to tell you my wish. I made a wish for all of you. Whatever part of your journey you are in that you find the wisdom, courage and strength to follow whatever path you choose, get through it and remember you are loved.

Then the Hubby and I shared a Mickey Mouse ice cream and watched the fireworks. It was the perfect ending.







DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY DISNEY GIVEAWAY!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

hakuna matata: disney part 3

Day 4 we went to Animal Kingdom. I know I skipped day 3, that will be tomorrow.

By this point I was really chilaxed. Most of my worries about IF and our next steps were gone. I was and still am feeling very positive and excited about the future.
Hakuna Matata!

It was so hot and humid that day! We both were sweating so much we looked gross. We went on a few rides and got a little wet to cool off a bit. The only ride we didn't go on was the river rapids. The people coming off were completely drenched. As soon as we saw them we got off the line fast. LOL! We didn't want to be squishing in our sneakers around the rest of the park.

I absolutely loved the safari ride. My favorite animal is the giraffe and we got to see lots of them. They are such beautiful creatures.

We could almost touch this one when we drove up next to her.


At one point some rhinos were walking right up next to the truck.
Do you see the two head shadows on his belly? That's the Hubby and I!

That night we ate at an African inspired place called Jiko. The food was fantastic! Above our tables where these bird looking things.
The hostess said they represented Kanu Birds. A Kanu Bird is a mythical bird of promise. Its appearance over the African skies were a sign of prosperity and signaled the blessings of a bountiful harvest for all those who feel under its shadow. I thought that was a very nice touch.

One of the days we were hopping around we finally got to see Mickey and all his friends. I told the Hubby we couldn't leave Disney till we saw Mickey so we waited on line. Please pardon my appearance. It was another hot humid day. We were sweaty and my hair is flat and slicked back from my hat. I hate how it looks.
 See my shirt? It says "poke me" and had a pic of the Pillsbury dough boy. Mickey and his friends all had a blast poking me before we took the pics, especially Goofy. I kept trying to hug him and he kept stepping back and poking me LOL!

 At first Donald pulled me close to him and kept pushing the Hubby away out of the pic then he would turn to me and cuddle up hehehe.




DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY DISNEY GIVEAWAY!!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

monorail: disney part 2

Day 2  we went to EPCOT!
 As soon as we got off the bus and walked toward the entrance the Hubby saw it, the Monorail, and the song started...

Hubby: "Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
like a genuine,
bona fide,
electrified,
six car Monorail!
What did I say?"

And I obviously had to answer back.
Me: "Monorail!"

Hubby: "What's it called?"

Me: "Monorail!"

Hubby: "That's right! Monorail!"

And then we chant softly.
Both: "Monorail. Monorail. Monorail...

There is one person in the IF community that should know exactly what I am talking about, HI MO! For those of you who don't know and are probably thinking I'm a little crazy here you go, it is a song from the episode of The Simpsons where they build a Monorail in Springfield. There is more to the song, you can go watch it here.

From that point on, every time we got on one and almost every time we saw one the Hubby either started singing or we just chanted "Monorail. Monorail.." The Hubby is so much fun!

We saw everything and went on every ride. The only time I didn't have fun was when we went on Mission Space. I completely forgot that they spin the whole ride while you are in a pod to create the G force feeling while you watch a screen of your trip to mars. I don't do well with spinning...especially when I can't see I am spinning. I didn't puke thank goodness, but I got close. As soon as we got off the ride I had to sit down and we sat for a good 10 min waiting for the feeling to pass. The Hubby said I got very pale. The "cast members" working the ride were very nice and kept checking on me.

After that we headed to the World Showcase. We ate some nachos in Mexico to help get rid of the last bit of sick I was feeling. I love walking around to all the different countries. Seeing all the performers, checking out all the different shops and meeting people from the countries. I am partial to Norway. It could be because I am half Norwegian and grew up with the fairytales, lore, food and a little bit of the language.
 After hitting every country we went back to Norway to have dinner. I had made a reservation at Akershus Royal Banquet Hall because I wanted to try their food compared to what my family makes.
"Welcome"
It was a character dinner, a Princess character dinner. hehehe The Hubby had been rolling his eyes about that part ever since I made the reservation a week prior. "I don't want to eat with the Princesses...grumble grumble. The place is gonna be filled with all little girls...grumble grumble grumble." He was just giving me a hard time about it to be funny.

When we walked in they had everyone take a picture with Belle before we were seated. They actually gave everyone copies of the pic for free! I was shocked. The pic they took came out better than mine, but I don't have a scanner.

 Belle told me the Hubby looks a little like the Beast and asked me if I had trained him because he was so well behaved and offered his arms for the pic. LOL! I said yes hehehe.

The hall was beautiful!

We started off with the koldtbord or "cold table" basically a salad bar, but this also had lots of cheeses, meats, smoked salmon and different pasta salads and beet salad. Lots of stuff my family makes. For the main meal I ate Kjottkake which are traditional Norwegian meatballs. They were served with mashed potatoes, veggies and a lingonberry sauce. I swear they stole my Moma's (Grandma) recipe!! It was so good! For dessert we both had resecream which is a type of rice pudding mixed with heavy cream. My family makes it for every holiday and I make it at least once a month. It was good, but a little sweeter than I make it.

While we ate the Princesses walked around to talk to everyone. Belle, Cinderella, Aurora, Snow White and ARIEL!!! I finally saw Ariel!! And I got a pic with her! I told her she is my favorite and she was very happy about that.

When they came to our table each one of them asked me if the Hubby was my Prince. I said yes and they proceeded asking him lots of questions like "Did you take her to a ball?" "Did you meet her at a wishing well?" and my personal favorite "Did you slay any dragons for her?" He said yes and they were very impressed hehehe.

We had an amazing time!

DON'T FORGET TO ENTER THE DISNEY GIVEAWAY!

Friday, December 2, 2011

disney giveaway!!

THIS IS MY FIRST GIVEAWAY!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

I was going to wait till after all my posts about our Disney trip, but I just can't wait! I'm gonna do it now!

While on our vacation the Hubby and I had uninterrupted time to be together. We talked through some issues we were having. Dreamed about our future with children. Reconnected mentally, emotionally and physically. We really strengthened our our relationship and found a new sense of hope and serenity in moving forward with our IUI. It is going to happen. We will get pregnant. How and when is in God's hands. To have Faith and Believe it will happen is something I need to remind myself daily. Hopefully my giveaway will help you keep hope.

And with that here are the giveaways. Yes, I say giveaways! Plural! I am giving away TWO sentiment bracelets from Disney World. They are stretch elastic bracelets with a sentiment etched on both sides of the ring charm and a dangling Mickey Mouse charm.

The first one is purple elastic with "Have Faith" on one side and "Expect MIRACLES" on the other.

The second is black elastic with "NOTHING is impossible" on one side and "IF you BELIEVE!" on the other.

I will be doing two drawings. One for each bracelet. I would like two different people to get them so you can only win once. First winner gets to choose which one they want and the second winner gets the bracelet that is left.

There are three ways to enter. Please post a new comment for each entry so I don't miss them.

1.     Post a comment below about how you remind yourself to stay hopeful, keep your faith or just believe. (1 entry)

2.     Follow my blog. (1 entry) If you already follow me just comment that you do.

3.     Post something about this giveaway on your blog. I would love to give lots of people a chance to win. (2 entries) Please comment once about the post you wrote and a second comment with the link to it so I can count your 2 entries.

Anyone can enter. I don't care where you live I will ship it to you. I will be drawing the winners on Monday, December 12th, 2011.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

part of your world: disney part 1

I packed each and every one of you tight and secure in my suitcase and brought you with me. Security stopped me when they saw all of you and asked me why you were with me. I told them you were my support system and you needed to be with me or else I might go crazy! They didn't want to deal with a crazy person so they let you through! We landed in Florida and checked into our beautiful hotel. The Hubby was worried you all wouldn't fit in our bed, but we squished a bit and everyone fit. We all walked through the parks, went on tons of rides, ate lots of food and saw beautiful fireworks. It was a wonderful trip!

Ok...maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but each and every one of you did come with us. You were all there with me constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

We had an AMAZING vacation! We spent much needed time just the two of us. We talked and dreamed. We walked through the parks at a relaxed pace and focused on just doing things together. The first day I took a bunch of pics, but after that not so much. I focused more on having fun and living out from behind the camera.

Day 1 and part of 5 (we hopped around) we went to MGM or now they call it Hollywood. As soon as we walked into the park I got a little overwhelmed. All I saw were kids and babies. The whole trip there were tons of people with infants. I'm talkin like under 2 months old. Even the Hubby commented on how many there were and how he would never bring a baby here. I just held the Hubby's hand tight and we started the fun. One of the first things we went to was The Little Mermaid short stage show. I Love Ariel! Of course I ended up sitting next to a little boy who was no older than 2 and his father. When Ursula came out on stage the little boy squeaked in horror, grabbed his dads hand and put it over his eyes. I started to cry a bit. Something like that is so cute to me and all I could think is how I wanted that.
"When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to explore that shore above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world."

 The Hubby says MGM is his favorite part of Disney because of all the live action shows, rides, movie memorabilia and animation, but I know it is really because of the Star Wars section. Yes, he is a big Star Wars geek and he turned me into one too. A fun bit of history...we actually had our first kiss while watching The Empire Strikes Back.

Anyway, back to the trip. We had a blast in that section. The ride was awesome and they had a new thing where kids could train to be a jedi. We are totally bringing our kids back to this!
Young Padawan training to be Jedi

I totally want one of those stormtrooper costumes!

Come to the dark side!


In the animation section they had a sketching class where they would teach you how to draw different cartoon characters. We ended up drawing Sorcerer  Mickey. It was so much fun! They came out pretty good and the Hubby was shocked cuz he always jokes about how he has a hard time drawing a stick figure.

We ate dinner at the Sci-Fi dine in theater. I think it was one of if not the coolest places I have eaten. You walk into this huge room decorated with tons of cars parked at a drive in. There was a big screen in the front playing bits of old Sci-Fi movies and some cartoons. The ceiling and walls were a night time sky complete with stars.
Not a very good pic, but hopefully you get the idea.

Each car had 3 rows. We ended up sitting in the "back seat" behind a lovely Australian couple and their 2 kids. Our car hop was funny. He pointed out to the family that they picked up some hitch hikers and also warned us no making out in the back seat LOL! The food was great and everywhere we ate had so many gluten free options for the Hubby. Even bread!
After dinner we went out to see the big Christmas lights display. I have never seen anything like it. To say it was crazy is an understatement. Just gonna show you the pics cuz...well...you will see.







They went all out and even had the lights dancing to different songs every 10 min or so.

And when I thought it couldn't get any better, they made it snow! It was made out of little foamy bubbles and looked so good. It is kinda hard to see in the small video. If you watch it bigger it helps.

So by the end of the day I was having fun and not paying attention to all the kids and babies. Even though IF is always on my mind I did forget about it a bit and started to get a new sense of hope.


"I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world"

Sunday, November 27, 2011

award, tickets and thanksgiving in florida

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving from Florida! I am still on vacation, but I wanted to check in and say a few Thank yous. I will post about our Disney trip when I get home and can post some pics with it. I will also have a little Disney giveaway so stay tuned!

First I wanted to say a huge Thank you to Hope Delayed and April @ Where Do We Go From Here? for giving me a Liebster Blog Award! When I saw this I was extremely surprised and so honored to receive it I actually started to cry! You like me, you really like me!  LOL! I'm so weird.


Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I want to pass this award onto:
I wish I could give it to everyone.
Belle @ Scrambled Eggs
Mag @ Witty Infertility
MJ @ Waiting, Wishing, Hoping
April @ Where Do We Go From Here?
Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife

**********


I have to say another big Thank you to Krissi @ Stress Free Infertility. She had seen and done a review of Godspell and was doing a giveaway of 2 tickets. I WON! I can't wait to bring my mom some time around Christmas. I will let you all know how it was.


**********

And now onto my Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was ok. The Hubby and I left Disney Thanksgiving morning and drove to my Grandparents house, Moma and Poppa. We had a wonderful visit and my families traditional meal with all the fixins. Moma wanted to make sure the Hubby could eat everything so she went out of her way to make gluten free biscuits and a pumpkin pie with gluten free Bisquick. I had told her about it in the past and we were so surprised that she got some. We spent the night and left Friday night to drive to my FIL and step MIL house.

It is absolutely beautiful here! We are in a guest room with a sliding door that goes directly out to the screened in patio and pool. I am writing this from bed while I enjoy the beautiful breeze coming from that door. So relaxing which is what I need right now.

We have had a nice visit over the past couple days. We didn't have our Thanksgiving get together till tonight. We all spent most of the day in our pjs while we let the turkey cook and got all the other things ready. It was a very relaxing day. Every time I got up to baste the turkey with that big bulb syringe thingy I couldn't help think that that will be me hopefully next month. I will be basted. At least that is what the Hubby always called an IUI, gettin turkey basted. hehehe.

When the time came for all the company to come including a couple of 2 year olds and a 1 year old I was feeling fine. I was good and I could handle spending time with them. Boy was I wrong. When my step SIL daughter Little E started running around I started to just feel like I didn't want to be around her so she did her thing I did mine and I kept my distance. Then my FIL started playing with her and I lost it. Seeing that brought up such emotions. (I will be getting into them in another post that I can't bring myself to write right now cuz its difficult) I could feel tears welling up and I quickly walked to the bathroom trying not to draw any attention to myself. I got myself as calmed down as possible and came back out. The Hubby came up to me and asked if I was ok and if I wanted to go talk. I told him I couldn't right now cuz there was all the company. While telling him that tears started to well up again and I walked away to our room. He followed me and I completely broke down in his arms. I told him how seeing his Dad with Little E killed me and he understood. He just held me for a while as I calmed down. I put myself back together and went back out there.

I stayed away from the kiddos as much as possible and did pretty well cuz I didn't break down anymore. I stuffed myself and then ended up taking a little nap leaning on the Hubby in a comfy seat while everyone watched football. We had dessert and as soon as everyone left I stole away to the bed to get away and just be alone and relax.

It probably doesn't help that AF is on her way and I can tell it is gonna be a bad one by how sore my boobs and nipple are, I have the burps, a little brown CM and my intestines don't like me right now. Sorry TMI. Normally AF comes with almost no warning. When I get like this I know it will be a bad one with lots of cramping and headaches. And even more fun, this game she likes to play could last anywhere from 1-10 days before she actually decides to show up. CD 29 and counting.

Sorry for the vent. I hope everyone is doing well. I have been thinking about all of you so much and I can't wait to tell you about our trip to Disney!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

thought vomit...wednesday?

Well it's almost Thursday so I'm not too far off from the real thing. I thought I would hop on this train this week cuz I have lots of stuff running through my brain.
This is supposed to be down farther but it won't let me put it where I want it!
  • I have been crazy busy this week! Running around trying to get phone calls, cleaning, shopping and lots of other stuff done before the Hubby and I leave for Disney TOMORROW!!!
  •  The Hubby surprised me last month with this much needed vacation. We will be gone for almost 2 weeks. After a week in Disney we will be going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving and then a couple days later to my FIL's for a second Thanksgiving and to visit lots of family we haven't seen in a long time.
  • Saturday night I went with our friend L to the tattoo shop so we could both talk to my artist about our next tattoos. On the way home we hit a deer. A big 2 point buck. We are fine, but L's car was totaled. When we hit it the hood of the car came up against the windshield. If it hadn't the buck would have been through the glass God was definitely looking out for us there. Another thing I am thankful for is that the deer died on impact. I don't think I would have been able to handle the police having to shoot it. Also some men stopped and asked if they could take the deer for it's meat. I am so glad it ended up serving a purpose.
  • I went out to lunch and some Christmas shopping with my Mom on Monday. Then she dragged me to get a mani/pedi. I never get my nails done. I beat up on my hands too much, so this was a nice treat. I  chose a pomegranate color (couldn't go too dark cuz I'm so pale) It is darker in person and sparkly! And pay no attention to my ring toes. I have always called them my "sleepy toes" cuz they "sleep" behind my middle toes.
  • I called the nurse back at the sleep center regarding the Hubby's CPAP machine. She had sent the info to the insurance company yesterday and was just waiting for their call back today around lunch. Not too long after we got the call that everything was done and we could pick up the machine tonight! That nurse was so amazing to fast track everything for us. She even wished us a happy vacation. Such a sweetie. We got it and the Hubby can't wait to use it tonight and on vacation! I will let you know how it helps.
  • I cried last night. I can't actually remember the last time I cried. I was thinking about how close we are getting to starting a clomid cycle with IUI and I started to feel defeated again. We can't get pregnant on our own even with the Hubby being on clomid the past 4 months. I know we still have a chance since we probably won't be starting till the end of December or early January, but it is just not gonna happen naturally. I have been fine for so long. Why am I getting upset now?
  • I am feeling better today. Trying to put those thoughts behind me and enjoy our vacation and the next couple months before we cycle.
  • I still have a ton of things to do tomorrow before we leave. I hope I get it all done!
  • The Hubby is just amazing. He told me we are bringing the laptop with us because he doesn't want me to be without my wonderful online support system (YOU GUYS!) He wants me to be able to blog and read if I need to.
  • I still can't believe we are actually going on vacation and to Disney!! You have no idea how much I need this. I need to get away and just be with and relax with the Hubby. I feel like a kid I am so excited!
  • I am promising myself that I am going to meet and get a pic with Ariel my favorite princess!
  • O and if I meet the fairy godmother, the blue fairy or the genie, do you think they will grant me a wish?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

hurdles

First, if anyone is interested I updated my about me. I added a couple pics. I hope you enjoy them.

On Wednesday I read a post by Rachel @ Eggs In A Row. She was talking about things that were making her sad. Initiative 26, Michelle Duggar talking about being so blessed that God gave them child #20 and the thought of her sister holding a newborn baby. All those things make me feel the same way. (except for the part about her sister-insert my besties and their new babies.) Then she said something that really deeply hit home. She talked about feeling guilty about feeling sad. That was and still is my biggest hurdle. Before the emotions of infertility, I can't remember when I last felt guilt and another big one that goes with it, selfishness.

Like a lot of you that I have read about, I also grew up way too fast and took care of people who should have been taking care of me. I did it willingly and without any complaint because that is just how I was. I didn't know any other way. Until I was older I didn't realize how truly difficult my life was. Even though it was hard at times I was grateful for what and who I had and in my life and did feel very blessed. Who knew those blessings could multiply a million times over night. When I met and eventually married the Hubby I felt blessed and grateful beyond words. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for him and the life we have together.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but for the Hubby and I getting married and having children was kinda a package deal. It was what we wanted and it kinda just rolled into one. At that point we had no idea we had fertility issues. We, like most people, assumed we would just get pregnant so I kinda stupidly already felt blessed that it would be next. That just sounds so stupid when I write it. Please let me know if you understand.

So anyway, because of all the above mentioned for our wedding song we chose Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More". If you don't know the song here it is.




I am so blessed with the most amazing Hubby, supportive loving family, wonderful friends, a beautiful home and so much more. How dare I be upset! How dare I ask for more! I'm being ungrateful, selfish and greedy and then on top of all that guilty basically for having feelings. It is a daily struggle. It is a main point I am working on with my psyc. I also try to keep what my guardian angel said in my head at all times.

What is your biggest hurdle and how do you try to climb your way over it?

Monday, November 7, 2011

is this really a good idea?

While typing this I am rocking a 6 week old to sleep. Little Z.

My bestie N recently went back to work and her hubby who is a stay at home daddy wanted to come over to hang, do some laundry and fix our snow blower. He also said hanging with me helps him because he can bounce stuff off me since I basically was a nanny to 4 cousins starting ages 2, 2 month old twins and a 7 month old for a year and a half. While he is outside for a bit I am watching Little Z.

As I am holding him I cant help but ask myself if I think it is a good idea to be cuddling with him. Can I handle it? I am in heaven at the moment, but am I gonna get depressed tonight when they leave and I realize again what I am missing out on?

My answer to myself...It may not be a good idea, but I DON'T CARE!

I love him too much! I can't get enough of him! Taking care of him makes me so happy!

********************

That was earlier today.

My friend and Little Z went home a while ago.  If this was even a month ago I would probably be in bed right now pitying myself and crying, but I am not and I am so proud of myself! I of course am thinking about what I am missing out on and how badly I want a baby, it is still upsetting. I obviously can't turn off my emotions, but it is not crippling me like it used to. I don't know how I will feel in the morning, but right now I am OK and I am taking it one day at a time. It took me a long time to get to this point.

For those of you that are going through a rough time right now I am praying so hard that you take it one day at a time, stay strong and hopefully can say that you are OK. If only for an hour today, maybe tomorrow a little longer.



PS- I called the Dr's office regarding the Hubby's sleep apnea and getting him a CPAP machine before we leave for Disney. The nurse I talked to was so nice. She said she totally understood and would try everything in her power to move things along quicker and get us the machine!


a different 2ww

Thursday night the Hubby went in for a sleep study that he had been putting off for a while. The test showed what I already knew, but I guess didn't want to be true...he has sleep apnea. The tech actually had him put the  CPAP machine on in the middle of the night because she basically got all the info she needed. They told him right there that he will need a machine, but said the Dr. will get the "official" report in 2 weeks!

2 weeks! Like I need another 2ww!! You know he needs it can't we get in now? And we are gonna be in Disney and visiting family in 2 weeks so it will end up being almost 4. The Hubby is excited about getting the machine and can't wait to see how much better he will sleep and feel better during the day. I have also heard that sleep apnea can cause sperm issues so maybe the machine will help that too.

I think I am going to call the Dr. tomorrow and see if it could be fast tracked at all. It would be nice to have the machine while on vacation so we know he gets the best sleep and feels his best while we relax and have fun.

Thanks for reading my rant. I feel a bit better now. I will let you know what happens tomorrow when I call.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

my guardian angel

Up until about a month ago the only people who knew of our situation were my mom and my 2 best friends. I was scared to tell anyone else. Worried about getting THOSE comments and questions. Worried about getting a pity party. I was just starting to deal with my self pity and didn't need anyone to add onto it. I wanted to just let it out, but I couldn't.

I was reading Navigating the Land of IF and the chapters about telling people and dealing with questions and comments gave me a bit of courage and a good starting point to just let it out. Don't get me wrong I was still scared, but that itty bitty ball of courage was slowly growing. I decided to start off small. Tell someone who is not in my big pushy family.

Does anyone else have a person in their life that you have known forever and were never really close with, but they always seemed to turn up at times when you needed someone and always know what to say? C is that person for me. She is about my mom's age and her 2 girls are a little younger than me. She says we met when I was 5. She was my Sunday school teacher for a long time. Over the years we would chat after church or by e-mail and eventually Facebook. Not a lot, but we were kinda friends. For some reason when I was thinking about who to tell she popped into my mind. I didn't know why but thought she might be a good place to start. So I emailed her and we got together at her house to chat.

Even though I was comfortable with her I was shaking. I decided to just rip off the bandaid.  I started to cry. I told her how we have been TTC for 2 years, what we have been through so far and where we are now. She sat and listened with a loving look on her face. When I was done she smiled and said "I know exactly how you feel" and what happened next blew me away. She stared to tear up and told me that she went through the same thing over 25 years ago! Her TTC journey was 6 years. She has PCOS and she finally got pregnant after almost year on Clomid. Apparently they did things a lot different back then. She had her first daughter and was surprised 9 months later with the natural pregnancy of her second.

We talked for hours and our conversations continued for days through email. This one thing she wrote to me I always keep in mind.

I used to think, "I have so many blessings in my life -- am I being ungrateful or selfish or greedy in feeling so badly, feeling it's not fair if I can't have a child?"  But I realize now, from the perspective of so many years having gone by, that it's not a "fair" way to judge a reaction.  No matter what anyone is going through, there is always someone having it worse, so that is not a good or valid comparison of reactions.  Any reaction, any emotion, you may have because of this is valid -- it is what you are going through NOW.

Days later I realized just how many times she was there for me over the years. Just little things she had said or done. Or even just a hug here and there.

That itty bitty ball of confidence grew very quickly over those few days and by the next week I had told just about every close friend and family member. I am so proud of how I handled the questions and I got nothing but amazing support and love. I had that feeling of weight being lifted.

We get together a couple times a month and still talk online. She says we are good for each other. That my company is a gift since she is dealing with her kids being far away at college.

God works in mysterious ways.
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