Saturday, April 28, 2012

if i had words

 Talking about my future children gives me hope right now and I need a little push so here we go.

If I had words to make a day for you
I'd sing you a morning a golden and new
I would make this day last for all time
Give you a night deep in moonshine

Four simple lines, yet a beautiful song.

There are a few special songs that I can't wait to sing to my baby. This is one of them. I first heard this song when I was 12 in the movie Babe. One of my Brother's favorites. The tune is taken from a symphony and there was a hit song in the 70s, but my favorite version is from the movie. He sings it as a lullaby and it is beautiful.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

aaaaand it starts again

Except this time with a new twist. I am using follistim instead of clomid. I received my cartridges today and the obligatory chocolate (I love them for that). My insurance doesn't cover it even though it is their preferred med. Again, because I am using these medications with ART. So stupid. I am going to be fighting it and I have heard there is a good chance they will pay at least some of it. If they don't it will suck and I will change to a cheaper one if we have to do it again, but the Hubby keeps reminding me it's ok. We will get through this. It is more important we don't give up. I love that man.

I also miss him terribly. He is on another business trip. He left Monday morning at 4am and comes back tomorrow. Thank God it's not a long week, I don't think I could handle that right now. I am super emotional and lonely. I tried to make plans, but everyone was busy this week, so I spent Monday and today alone reading blogs, crocheting and watching Frasier (I finished Cheers). I ran a bunch of errands yesterday and did get together with my bestie for a bit to catch up, but knowing I was coming home to an empty house bummed me out.

I go tomorrow for my CD3 blood work and US. It feels kinda strange getting back to it. I can't believe this will be IUI #4. To tell you the truth I didn't think it would go this far. I honestly believed one the clomid IUIs would have worked. *sigh*

So it's almost 6 and I have to figure something out for dinner. I don't feel like cooking. Maybe I will throw some shoes on and go grab some fast food. Where should I go? Maybe I will get some ice cream too.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

april IComLeavWe

Hi everyone! Happy IComLeavWe! I love handing out Hugz! Join in the fun if you would like (click link above). It is a great way to find new blogs or just show your love for the ones you follow.

Thanks for stopping by my blog! You can read about me here and my TTC timeline is here. I am currently in a natural 2WW. I actually ovulated on my own! We are nearing the end of a little break between IUIs. We did 3 with clomid, none worked. As soon as AF shows up (probably in a couple days) we will be starting with follistim, ovidrel and IUI #4.

It really feels like spring now. I have all the windows open in our house and a beautiful breeze is strolling through bringing that fresh smell of spring.

I leave you with some pictures of our beautiful dogwoods in our front yard. Really gets you in the spring mood, don't they?

Friday, April 20, 2012

venting and in need of some prayers

Hi everyone. I am so upset and fired up and I need to vent. It has nothing to do with IF. I apologize for the length of this post, there is just so much info I need to get out so please bear with me. Oh and I apologize for being behind on reading your posts! I am going to relax this weekend and do some reading.

First a little background.

I know I have talked about my brother on some others blogs, but not here yet. My younger brother R is 19. He is actually my half brother, but I have never considered him that. He is and will always be my brother. My step dad is an asshole and is hardly in his life. I basically was his second parent since I was 9. The major thing you should know about my brother is that he is both physically and mentally disabled. He is not classified, yet has many bits and pieces of different syndromes. He has a seizure disorder, OCD, manic depressive and other things that are slipping from my mind right now. He functions between a 3-5 year old level. Physically he has many issues with low muscle tone and other things. He wears braces on his feet up to his knees and can only walk untended with a reverse walker. He gets tired very quickly so we usually transport him in a wheelchair. He needs help with everything. He is on many medications and sees many doctors on a regular basis.

I love R so much! I love him so deeply like he was my own child. He is an amazingly sweet person and loves completely and deeply. His smile can light up a room and he is friends with everyone he meets. I would do anything for him.

And now the reason I am upset.

My Mom and R live in a house that backs up to an old car dealership parking lot which is on a main highway. It is pretty quiet though, because she has a small fence and some trees and the parking lot acts as a buffer. A big company wants to build a 24 hour quick shop and gas station in that parking lot. They say to cut down on the noise they will build a 30 foot wall along the property. That 30 foot cement wall will be 20 feet from their house and everything will be right behind the bedrooms. A 30 foot wall! Do you know how high that is? They put 30 foot walls around prisons! So that will block any view for R from his room and block a ton of sunlight from coming into their yard where R loves to go outside on his bench swing and read in the sun. Which he needs because he has a major Vit D deficiency even though he is on Vit D too. And just the fact of it being something he really enjoys and makes his life a little nicer.

We are also worried about it being 24 hour and all the noise. R already has interrupted sleep and if he doesn't get enough he gets sick very easily and tends to have more breakthrough grand mal seizures. Have you ever experienced someone having a full on seizure?  I know some of you have. It is scary. He stops breathing, convulses hard and the thing that has given me nightmares, his eyes roll into the back of his head. I have experienced it a bunch of times and after he is ok I come out of emergency mode I cry so hard.

So my Mom, some neighbors that are also affected and lots of people in the town have been fighting this for over a year. Tonight was a big meeting with lawyers and all. Basically they kept throwing out things that my Mom wanted to touch on including R's medical record. The big company lawyer will allow my Mom to state his medical problems and concerns for the build, but no medical reports or letters from his doctors were allowed because we couldn't get a doctor to come and me questioned (we had a few that wanted to and tried hard, but were not able to make it to the meeting) It pisses me off so bad. He was sitting right in front of them and they could see he is
disabled, but nothing except for what my Mom said is allowed.

My Mom also wanted R to talk and answer some simple questions to show them a little of how he functions. That was also objected by the big lawyer because only people who are sworn in can talk and it was ruled that with his mental capacity he would not understand the oath! Are you kidding me?! Something in there has to be illegal! Isn't that some sort of discrimination? He is totally capable of telling the truth! I have actually never heard him lie. He tells the truth even though he knows he is going to get in trouble. I don't think he knows how to lie or is capable of it. It is hard to explain. His brain just doesn't function that way.

So basically if they build this they will have to move. There are a lot of other issues like handicap accessibility and  other things. Also if they move my Mom is basically screwed financially. But R's health, safety and happiness are more important.

There was a lot more that happened that upset me and completely pissed me off, but as of right now my brain is completely in a fog. After crying at my therapist and then actually breaking out crying at the hearing a couple times and now balling my eyes out as I type, I have a huge headache, I am probably dehydrated and I can't turn my brain off. I texted the Hubby how pissed I was during a recess and told him I may just jump up there and strangle the big lawyer, he might have to bail me out of jail.

Sorry that was so long. If you could please send good thoughts, say some prayers or do whatever you do it would be greatly appreciated. We have another month till the next hearing.

Now I am gonna go watch some tv and try to calm down.

Monday, April 16, 2012

perfect moment monday

I have seen a few of you share your perfect moments every once in a while. I decided I would join in this week.

The Hubby and I went to my cousin's wedding on Friday. It was beautiful, yet difficult for me. There were a lot of big pregnant bellies there. We were at a table with some friends and family. Two of the ladies were pregnant (cousin K and friend B) and two other couples had kids cousin T and another family friend).

My cousin T had my Godson Little L in tow and the entire table was passing him around all night. I always enjoy holding him, or any baby for that matter, but with all the bellies I was a little upset and uncomfortable. (I love bellies! Just seeing them in person right now is difficult)

At the end of the night they announced the last song was being played. I was holding Little L at the time and without thinking just got up with him and headed out on the dance floor with K and T like we do to dance together. We slow danced, the three of us huddled together and Little L in my arms. Then I danced a bit with Little L alone.

I didn't think anything special of this moment till Sunday night. I all of a sudden realized how perfect and special that moment was. I wasn't upset at all. In fact, it made me smile ear to ear all weekend. Dancing with my girlies like we have been doing for as long as I can remember, yet this time was even more special because there were two babies dancing with us. My Godson in my arms and another beautiful one growing in K's belly.

I can only imagine how I will feel when the day comes where the three of us will dance together, each of us with a baby.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

if i was a...

I stole this from Emily @The Empty Uterus. Why don't you join in the fun!

If I was a month, I’d be October.
If I was a day of the week, I’d be Friday.
If I was a time of day, I’d be Dusk.
If I was a planet, I’d be Earth.

If I was a sea animal, I’d be a Sea dragon.
If I was a direction, I'd be West.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a Recliner.
If I was a liquid, I’d be Water.
If I was a gemstone, I’d be a Hope star sapphire.
If I was a tree, I’d be a Cypress (according to my birth date).
If I was a tool, I’d be a Crowbar.
If I was a flower, I’d be a Daisy.

If I was a type of weather, I’d be a Thunderstorm.
If I was a musical instrument, I’d be Bagpipes.
If I was a color, I’d be Periwinkle.
If I was an emotion, I’d be Anticipation.
If I was a fruit, I’d be an Nectarine.
If I was a sound, I’d be Wind through the trees.

If I was an element, I’d be Fire.
If I was a car, I’d be an El Camino.
If I was a food I would be PB&J.
If I was a place, I’d be Home.

If I was a material, I'd be Denim.
If I was a taste, I'd be Savory.
If I was a scent, I’d be Eucalyptus mint.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

"learning" and dreaming

Today I went for my injection class. It was so stupid. Well, for me it was. Part of my job was to draw up injections. I also taught diabetics new to insulin how to us it both in pen form and vials. I have already done 3 cycles with ovidrel. Apparently they don't worry about teaching till you are doing a cycle with injectable FSH.

Anyway, I didn't need it. The nurse also spent most of the class "teaching" us about a menstrual cycle and how the injections mimic what our body is supposed to naturally do. Are you kidding me? Maybe it's just me, but if you are infertile I would think you would know about your menstrual cycle and what it consists of. So I sat in an hour long class trying not to fall asleep.

There were other couples and women there and they were all on their first IUI cycles. I have been through 3 with clomid so it felt strange. I could see it in their eyes how I felt before my first IUI. Sadness that they needed help, fear of not knowing what was going to happen and hope that this is all it will take. It feels like so long ago.

I did find out that I will be using follistim. How many of you out there have used it? I was given the pen and will order the cartridges when we start the cycle. Since I have no problem drawing up my own shots I am going to ask if the vials are cheaper and if so I want to use them instead.


I am kind of excited! I had my very first pregnancy dream EVER! I woke up confused and wondering if it was real. When I realized it wasn't I didn't get sad. I got to see myself pregnant and I was really cute! It was kind of short because the Hubby woke me up when he kissed me good morning and bye before he left for work. This is what I can remember.

I was at the hospital in labor. In a gown and hooked up to monitors and an IV. The Hubby wasn't there yet, but on his way. The nurse was checking my monitors and a huge contraction started (I swear I could feel it) and my water broke. I made a total mess! LOL!

Having this dream made me really happy! Do you think it's a good sign?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

what is it like?

This is my 100th post. I really can't believe it! I decided to finally post something that has been on my mind for a very long time. I think about this all the time and these thoughts bring tears to my eyes often. (you can click on the pictures to make them larger)

My 3rd Birthday. Last picture of my Dad.
My Dad died when I was 3. I don't remember him at all except for pictures and stories my family tells me. I was his sunshine.

When I was planning my wedding was the first time I could remember really longing for what I was missing. I watched my cousins and friends get married. I saw the fathers walk their daughters down the isle. The relationships between fathers and their sons like the Hubby and his Dad. Sometimes I catch myself staring in wonder as they interact. I have only experienced it from the outside looking in.

Do you know that look you get from a puppy where they stare intently and give their head a little tilt? They sometimes let out a little curious noise or a little wine of longing. I imagine myself looking like that.

Since TTC those situations that I watch have changed slightly. I see my cousins and friends now fathers. Holding, cuddling and playing with their children. Watching this makes my heart ache. I can watch mothers and their babies so much easier. When it comes to the daddies I find myself needing to look away or I will cry.

The Hubby knows how I feel. He could tell long before I actually talked to him about it. He recently told me that is why he will not hold newborns. He knows how much it hurts to see him holing a baby. He never really holds babies, but sometimes he can't help it. They just get passed to him. He hasn't held anyone younger than 5 months though. More recently I can tell how much he enjoys it. I can see it in his eyes especially when he makes them laugh. The other night I asked him how he feels when he sees me hold a baby. He said it tugs at his heart. He knows how much I want that little one to be our own.

Is it strange that my ache to be a mother is surpassed by the longing to make the Hubby a father? Such a deep need but combined with a fear of the unknown. Not just the unknown of being a parent but more not knowing what a father child relationship is like. Never experiencing that type of relationship first hand. Wanting to see it right in front of me and actually be a part of it. The man I chose, the man I love giving our children what I never had. What is it like?

When I finally get pregnant. I know it will hurt that I can't tell my Dad. A couple of years ago I was told how he thought pregnancy was amazing. That a pregnant woman was one of the most beautiful things he has ever seen. He was in awe of it all. Little things like tug at my heart so badly. It also amazes me how much I am like him. I have always felt the same way.

When the day finally comes that I give birth and I see the Hubby holding our child for the first time I know my emotions will be high, but it will be one of the best moments of my life and I will finally begin to see what it is like.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

the Easter bunny brought me...


I didn't post it on here, but I had decided I would use my last pack of OPKs this month just to get rid of them before they expired and the Hubby told me why not? I prepared myself to not expect anything because I only ovulate on my own once every 5 months or so. I just figured I would try.

Boy was I surprised this morning. The Hubby was shaving and I was getting ready to hop in the shower. I had dipped the stick and then forgot about it. Just before I got in the shower I remembered I didn't check it.

Holy crap I'm ovulating!

Now, I am not expecting anything to come out of this, but I am still going to hope. With the Hubby's infertility we have a very slim chance to naturally get pregnant, but boy are we going to try.

I am going to try and not get upset if AF comes because I have new rounds of IUI to start right when she does come.

Wishing everyone a Wonderful Passover and Happy Easter!

Oh, and wishing everyone the fertility of the Easter Bunny!

Friday, April 6, 2012

baby clothes in my attic and hope in my closet

At a year into TTC I was still in a pretty good place. I had read it could take people a while, even a year to get pregnant so I had hope that I would be pregnant soon. I was (and still am) unemployed so my cousin asked if I would help her with her 2 year old boy and 2 month identical twin sons. (A little back story, she got pregnant with her first on her honeymoon and the twins naturally the first time they tried for a second) I was there Monday through Friday from 7am till 6pm. I enjoyed it so much. It was almost like they were mine. I was getting paid to take care of babies and a cute 2 year old! I was in heaven!

Once the kids started growing out of stuff she wanted to get rid of it all. They were not having any more kids so she was tired of the mess. She is actually my cousin in law so she didn't grow up in our big family where everyone passed everything around. There are 14 of us Grandkids so hand me downs were a big part of our lives. She has 1 brother and no cousins so she doesn't have experience with hand-me-downs. So as she is packing all the 0-3 month clothing into a huge black bag she tells me she is going to take it to goodwill.

I told her not to give it away. She was the first of us to have kids and there will probably be others in the family soon who would have no problem taking the ton of clothing she had. She thought it would be a good idea, but refused to hold onto it in her basement or attic. She wanted it out of her house and would rather just give it to goodwill so she didn't have to store it. I knew none of my other cousins would store the stuff since they all live in little apartments and don't have the room. I have a house with a huge attic so I told her I would store it all so I did. I went through everything, separated and organized it an put it all into clear plastic bins in the attic. Every time they grew out of something she would just hand me a bag of stuff  and I would organize and store it.

As I was going through things I was getting excited that I will be next to use all this stuff. (or so I thought) I put a couple outfits aside that I absolutely loved and couldn't wait to dress my little one in.

Not too long after I did this another cousin told the family that he had gotten a friend pregnant. It was a 1 night stand. They were getting to know each other and started a relationship after they found out. She was 6 months pregnant and we were just hearing about it and meeting her. 1 night stand! Come on! So one of the times we got together I brought the bins of baby clothing and she went through them and the rest went back into the attic. That was Great Grandchild #4.

I was still hopeful, but a couple months later my cousin T announced her pregnancy. I knew she was trying and even though it took her longer (6 months) It still killed me. So she was the next one to go through the bins of baby clothing. That was Great Grandchild #5.

Then a month after that, on their first month trying, my bestie N got pregnant. She told me as soon as she found out. My family didn't mind if she used the hand-me-downs so she went through everything next and the rest went back into the attic.

In the summer my cousin V announced she was pregnant. Great Grandchild #6. So when she came to visit I brought the bins to her and she went through them. I brought the rest back home, but didn't take them out of my trunk and put them back in the attic. Around this time I had also started to watch my cousin's baby(Great Grandchild #4) a couple days a week. I was watching 4 kids.

Late summer, almost 2 years TTC, I hit my worst. I went to see a psychiatrist. I realized I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't be around babies or even their stuff. I couldn't even bring myself to take the bins out of my trunk and put them back in the attic. Partially also because I knew that someone else in my family would probably be pregnant soon and I would have to take it all out again. So I just let it all sit. I packed up the little outfits I had put aside and a couple of things I had picked up over the 2 years and put them under a bunch of stuff in my closet. Out of sight.

In October I told my cousins I couldn't watch their kids anymore. The clothing still sat in my trunk.

It is now April. My cousin K is pregnant.(Great Grandchild #7) The bins of baby clothing are still in my trunk. Well, they were still there, till just now. 9 months it all sat in my trunk. I just took it out. The bins and a couple of bags that were given to me to store during those 9 months are sitting right in front of me and I am feeling good.

The other day My cousin K and I went out to lunch. I hadn't talked to her since she told me she was pregnant 3 weeks ago. We talked about lots of things and when we got to the point where we couldn't just not talk about her little belly that was staring right at me, I started to cry. Then she amazed me. She said everything right. Not once said one of those stupid fertile things and completely validated my feelings. I felt so much better after. I came home and started thinking about the clothing in the trunk and my little bag of stuff in my closet.

It's time. Not just because my cousin K will need to go through it soon, but because I am ready to really have hope again. It's time for me to take out my little bag and look through the little things and dream. I want to hang one of the outfits on my mirror so I can see it every day. Something to push me and remind me of what we are doing all this for. Something to remind me to hope. I am going to go do that right now.

Monday, April 2, 2012

this month is for me

This was supposed to be an upbeat "this month is for me" post. I will still get there, but right now...

I'm depressed.

I'm not super depressed like I used to be. The only word I can think of right now is Blah.
Over the past couple weeks I have lost interest in the things I once loved. I have to drag my ass out of bed to get to the gym. I always feel better after and I remember how much I love it, but every time it's a battle. I am so close to finishing my current crochet project, but every time I sit down to do it I just can't.

For a while it felt easy. I could just get up and move. I was keeping up with cooking dinner. I was keeping up with stuff around the house. I was actually proactive.

I think the one thing I have lost interest in that is weighing on my mind the most is the "horizontal polka"(I love calling it that) A little before the Hubby went back to the urologist last week we both noticed his libido was a little lacking. Put that together with the low post wash count of our last IUI and we knew something was wrong. I forgot to mention that when we go to the urologist we get to see his spermies and we get the results of his SA right then and there. Like it showed with the wash count, his total count had gone down. We told Dr S about his libido and we were told it's because his testosterone has dropped a bit. Apparently the Hubby's body has gotten used to the dose of clomid. So it was increased. It seems to be working. The only thing is now I'm not interested. It upsets me.

Have I hit that point again where IF is just dragging me down or is my cousin's pregnancy announcement affecting me more than I thought? Maybe it's something else. I have no idea.

Even though I am depressed I am basically happy. I really do have high hopes for the next rounds of IUI with adding injections. I finally hit a point the other night where I felt relaxed and ok with the thought of our increased chance of twins. I am excited that I am losing weight and getting healthy. The nice weather and being able to open the windows makes me feel happy and refreshed. The Hubby and I are communicating better. And there are so many more things that I just can't think of right now.

So I am going to try and take that happiness and run with it. When we knew we were taking a break before we start our next steps I decided this would be a month for me. I started making a list of little things I can do for myself or little "goals" that I will try and keep up.

Paint my nails - I already did it once. I am going to try and keep it up. Every couple of weeks when they start looking bad I am going to repaint them. I dug out my polish and found a bunch of bright fun colors so I am going to do a new one each time.

Take a bath - When we did the bathroom we put in a large tub. I don't think it's considered a soaker tub, but it's big. We have lived in this house for 3 1/2 years and I still haven't taken a bath. That is going to change! I am going to take a bath this month and I am going to try to take one every month. I know it will be very relaxing.

Shave my legs - I have very sensitive skin so I can't shave every day like most women. I can't even shave every other day. I have found that the most I can do is every 5 days. So a lot of times I just forget. I have been pretty good over the last month of doing it once a week. I have actually been doing my whole leg! Even above my knee! It makes me feel so good so I am going to try and keep it up.

Massage - I have mentioned before that I have a membership to a spa where I get a great discount on a massage once a month. I am going to continue doing that because it really makes me feel good. I am also going to bring it home. I am going to break out the oil and give the Hubby a massage. I haven't done it in so long. Getting him relaxed and feeling good makes me happy. I am going to try and continue this once a month too.

Lingerie - Since I am almost down to my wedding weight I was thinking about my honeymoon lingerie that has been sitting in the closet unused since our wedding night. I am going to wear it! I'm gonna see what else I have in there and actually put it to use. I might even go out and get myself something new.

Grow out my hair - The other day I realized my hair is getting to the point where I would get it cut to my usual just above the shoulder. I though about it for a while and decided I am going to just let it grow. The last time I let it grow was for my wedding and then chopped it off after and donated it to Locks of Love. My family's salon is a big supporter and gives their customers a free haircut if they donate their hair. I have done it a few times in my life and decided this is a good time to do it again. I have decided to grow out my hair until I am finally pregnant and just before I am ready to give birth I will donate it. The Hubby is excited because he loves long hair.

There are other things that I am going to try and keep up with too. These were just some that were really on my mind.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

not funny

Just logged onto facebook. This may be the last straw. The Hubby's cousin posted "Wow 12 weeks is a long time to keep a secret. We are happy to announce we are expecting our 3rd little bundle of joy!" I got a little upset, but I am surprised at how well I took it. I am in a good place right now. Well I was until the next thing she posted.

"Hehehe Happy April Fool's Day!!!"

Are you kidding me!!??

Fuck you!

I am so tempted to write to her and tell her it wasn't funny. The Hubby doesn't want me to.
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