Thursday, May 31, 2012

IUI #5 update

I've gone for a few U/S over the past week. I didn't post anything because there wasn't much to talk about. I haven't been paying attention to what they showed. I'm kinda just distancing myself from it all this time. I figure I am doing what I am supposed to do and the Dr will take care of the rest. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome if I know what's going on or not.

I did pay attention a little bit yesterday morning. I apparently have at least 1 good follicle on each side, maybe more. Sounds good to me. Either way the spermies swim there will hopefully be an egg waiting for them. Last night I did my trigger shot of ovidrel and we go for IUI #5 tomorrow (Friday) morning.

I think I am going to tell the Dr to not tell me the sperm count. In the past it has always brought me down. Maybe without knowing I can just let it be.

I really think this distancing myself from this cycle is really working well for me. I'm really relaxed and focusing on other things. I went for a massage this morning and let my body and mind relax so much I almost fell asleep. I haven't done that since before we started IUIs. Leaving there I felt calm and refreshed. I am going to try and keep that up over the 2WW and beyond.

I also got some news this morning that made me really happy. My favorite massage therapist is coming back! Lets call her Miss Magic Hands. When I started getting massages I used to go to whoever was free. The first time I had MMH everything changed. From the moment I met her we had a cool connection and I felt really comfortable with her. She really worked with my body and I felt great when I left. The next time I asked for her. We would talk a little bit while I was on the table and I decided to open up to her about my infertility and tell her we were gearing up to do treatments. She then opened up to me. She had a very difficult time conceiving too. They were in no rush and decided if it happened great and if it didn't that was fine too. They had a very active lifestyle. It took over a year and then she miscarried at 6 months. It was extremely stressful on her marriage and they ended up getting a divorce. She has a boyfriend and is happy where her life is.

After we opened up she told me she would help me however she could to relax and prepare my body to conceive. She focused on specific pressure points and did reflexology on my feet which felt absolutely amazing. She also focused on the nerve damage and edema in my lower back from breaking my tail bone years ago. It was amazing how much it helped with the pain. I have no idea if the reflexology and pressure points helped with me ovulating since I wasn't doing OPKs or temping at the time, but it sure felt great.

Unfortunately a bit before we started treatments she decided to move back home to Kentucky. I was upset she was leaving because she became a great friend. We had lots in common (including the same tattoo artist) and we were going to hang out. I was going to go see her band too.

My current massage therapist was all excited to tell me MMH was coming back. She is also friends with her and knows how much I liked her. She knew I have a connection with her and didn't mind if I went back to seeing her instead.

So I can't wait till I see her next month! Even though I miss her and can't wait to see her I am hoping this cycle I get pregnant and will have to wait till my third month in to see her again. I know she will be so excited and happy for me. She actually told me when I first opened up to her that she couldn't wait to do prenatal massages on me. Hoping and praying that is sooner than later.

Monday, May 28, 2012

perfect moment monday

First, on this Memorial day we remember those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and we pray for the brave men and women who are currently fighting. We also pray for all the families of our brave solders who have lost their loved ones or are waiting for their safe return.

Lori says Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between.

Yesterday was my town's Memorial day parade. I live on the corner of one of the main streets and the parade marches right past the front of my house and around the corner. I have fond memories of watching the Memorial day parade that passed in front of my Grandparents old house. I always remember how excited I was to see all the police officers and firefighters especially since my Poppy was police chief for many years. The marching bands and bagpipers were and still are my favorite part. Listening to them gives me goose bumps every time. The first year we lived here when I found out the parade route I immediately thought of when I was a kid and I couldn't wait for the day our own kids could sit in our front yard and enjoy the parade like I did.

Anyway, I was sitting out front waiting for the parade to start and watching all my neighbors and their excited kids getting ready to watch. I started to get a little sad since this would be another year not experiencing it myself. There were families that walked or drove in from different parts of town walking down the street looking for the perfect place to watch from.

While I was sitting there a few women and their young children were trying to find a good spot. I overheard them say something about it being hot because it was, so I spoke up and asked them if they would like to sit in the grass under my tree (I have the only trees in the front yard on the block). They asked me if I was sure and I didn't mind. Of course I didn't mind, so they all sat under the tree with the kids excitedly bouncing around.

The kids were young. The little girl was at the youngest around 3 and her 2 older boys were between 5-7. They were so cute! As the parade started they OOO'd and AHH'd at the cars and trucks, waived at the police officers and firefighters and danced to the marching bands and bagpipers. The younger little boy would run up to me every once in a while and tell me to look at something going by or tell me about school. When the town athletic league passed by with all the kid's soccer, baseball and basketball teams they threw candy to the people watching the parade. It was so nice seeing little kids all excited picking up the candy. The same little boy ran up to me with a handful of candy excitedly showing me how much he got. What he did next almost brought me to tears. He picked a piece, held it up and asked "Would you like some? It's good!" I took the candy and said thank you. He smiled and seemed pretty pleased with himself that he shared.

You would think watching the little kids enjoy the parade would upset me, however amazingly it put me in the best mood. I was smiling and happy the rest of the day and it has overflowed into today.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful long weekend full of perfect moments.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

a bit of a mind dump

I just wrote this because I felt like I needed to brainstorm and get my thoughts and emotions together. After I wrote it I realized how all over the place it is. Just wanted to warn you.

Ok, I am done being negative. I'm sorry for being such a downer the past couple posts. It's not me and I have to stop. I'm depressed and thinking about it makes me even more depressed. It's a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this funk! I just don't really know how to do it. I know I need to keep busy and do things I enjoy. Maybe making a list might help. Lists are always good. (I realized after I wrote everything it turned out to be a half list mind dump, sorry)
  • I spent some time with my Mom yesterday. Our relationship is slowly getting better. We talked about how I have been feeling and she could obviously tell I am depressed. We decided we both need some motivation. Since starting treatments I have slacked off a ton on housework and other projects. My Mom and I are making a plan to get together twice a week, once at her house and once at mine, to motivate and help each other get things done. Anything that needs to be done whether it be housework, organizing the house/garage or other projects. I think it will be good for both of us to spend time together, I will have some company and we will get things done.
  • Even though it's difficult sometimes to be making blankets and things to give away I always find I am really happy while crocheting. I relax, focus and I see the fruits of my labor come to life right in front of me. I need to start another project. My cousin K who is due in October hasn't registered and has no clue how she is going to decorate. She is not finding out the gender so I will make something neutral, but I still want to match her decor. So, I have to wait for that. I need to find a crochet project to focus on while waiting to start hers. Any ideas?
  •  I have a couple of books I want to read. A friend who battled IF and now has an absolutely adorable little girl, sent me a book that helped her through her journey. She wanted to pass it along to help another person and when I am done with it I will probably pass it on too. Also, I won a copy of Ordinary Miracles by Krissi @ Stress Free Infertility. I want to get reading. Maybe I will crack one open today.
  • The basic landscaping around our house is done and it looks awesome. There are always things to add, but that will come in time. Right now I am finally able to enjoy my yard. I have more living things to take care of. I check on my plants often and I am determined to be out there all the time. I am going to post soon about that with before and after pics.
  • Speaking of posting, there have been a bunch of things I have been meaning to write about.  I need to get back to it. I enjoy it. Maybe I need to do another month long challenge. That was fun.
  • I still feel totally detached and numb about this cycle. I think it's a good thing for me right now. The Hubby keeps telling me to focus on the the end result. Our child. Without even trying that's exactly what I have been doing. I have caught myself many, many times daydreaming. Not just little thoughts, I'm talking full on daydreams where you zone out and like in a dream you can see everything right in front of you. I have been dreaming about my baby shower exactly how I would like it, sitting out in lawn chairs with our little one watching the Memorial Day parade that passes right in front of our house each year, running through the sprinkler in the yard with our kids (yes, with an S as in multiple), walking around the baby store and registering, decorating the nursery and so many more things. I just randomly zone out. I'm not really thinking about the end result like it will happen this time, more just in general. It will happen, sometime. I haven't been thinking about the cycle much at all other than making sure I get the injection at the correct time and go to my follicle checks. Even then I kinda just ignore it all. I think I will take my list and have choices of things I can do each day to make me happy. Enjoy days again rather than focusing so hard on having a baby.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and thank you so much for all your wonderful, caring comments. They really help me get through.

I think today the Hubby and I will go out to get some pretty flowers and fill the long flower boxes my Mom gave me. They attach to the railings. And maybe some flowers in a big pot on our stairs. I want to make our house pretty instead of the eyesore it has been for a long time.

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

the 10 year plan

Back when the Hubby and I first started dating we knew very early on that we were going to be together forever. Everyone else could see that too so the question started early.

Everyone: So, when are you two getting married?

Hubby: Oh, eventually. We are on the 10 year plan.

He was joking of course and it got quite a few chuckles because everyone thought we should be getting married soon. After all we were perfect for each other.

The Hubby is a big planner. Everything needs to be thought out and just right. I was ready to get married when we were together a year. He wanted to wait till he moved back home (he had accepted a job in MD right out of college and was there for almost 2 years) and I graduated. Thank goodness that was around the same time.

So, when both those things were done I started asking like everyone else.

Me: So, when are we getting married?

Hubby: (joking) Oh, eventually. We gotta follow the 10 year plan.

I grew to really hate that word. Eventually. I actually still hate it. LOL!

He teased me about it a lot. Not just by telling me eventually. On our 2nd anniversary of our first date he took me to a jewelery store to look at rings. I knew we weren't getting one then, he is they type who likes to surprise.

The next plan he was waiting for was he wanted to save money to buy a house. So we saved, and saved, and saved. All throughout that year I bugged him.

Me: So, when are we getting married?

Hubby: (joking) Oh, eventually. We gotta follow the 10 year plan.

On our 3rd anniversary he gave me a small box. It looked like a ring box. It was earrings. Beautiful diamonds, but earrings.

Over the next 6 months I bugged him more than ever. All I got was "eventually". I even proposed to him with a ring pop. I was totally serious, but he said no, eventually.

That summer we were on vacation with some friends and he finally proposed!!! He later told me he had the ring for 6 months! He had gotten it at the same time as the earrings and was waiting and planning for the perfect time!

We bought a house and got married a year later and then the question from everyone changed.

Everyone: So, when are you two having kids?

Hubby: (joking) Oh, eventually. We are on the 10 year plan.

That continued through the year we waited before we started TTC and then the year that went by with no pregnancy. Everyone finally stopped asking after our 3rd anniversary (2 years TTC). Come Labor day we will be at 3 years TTC.

I stupidly checked what my due date would be if we get pregnant this month. (I haven't done that in a while) It would be February 24, 2013. February 23, 2003 was our first date.

I guess we really are on the 10 year plan.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

i went backwards

Thank you for all the beautiful comments about the blanket. I am very proud of it.

I haven't gotten back to ok yet. In fact, I think I went backwards. I fell down the hill and hit hard at the bottom. I have broken down many times over the past couple of days my eyes are constantly burning. I told the Hubby I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I realized I am not as strong as I thought I was and it hurts.

In between cries I feel numb. My head doesn't want to do anymore, but my heart (and the Hubby) is pushing me forward. I know I will be forever grateful to him when something finally works.

He sent me this text today as I was crying at the office (for CD3 bloodwork and U/S):
We just need to stay strong and motivated... Just think of the end result - a baby that's 1/2 you and 1/2 me - we can't stop moving forward and doing what we need to do to make it happen - stay strong and I'll support you however you need.
I love that man.

Tonight I start 75UI of follistim.  My head is still not in it. It may never be. I will just be going through the motions and probably cry my way through the cycle.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way and writing this when there are so many of you out there going through such horrible things right now. I have read more heart breaking posts in the last few days than I can handle. Beautiful women dealing with the heart break of not seeing a heartbeat and going through a MC or D&C. I can only imagine what you are feeling and half these tears are for you.

Monday, May 21, 2012

crochet show & tell: baby blanket #4

On Saturday I went to my friend B's baby shower. She is having a little girl. This is the first baby girl in our friends and family and I was very excited to make my first girl blanket. I think I went a little overboard because it took a lot longer and ended up being a lot larger than I thought. Oops!

Anyway, it came out great and she loved it! I did squares in pink and white. On the pink ones I did letters of the baby's name and butterflies in a popcorn stitch and the white ones I did plain. I edged all the squares and put them to together in a darker pink and then did a scalloped pink edge.

Sorry, some of the pics are a little blurry. They didn't look that way on the camera.
Next I will be making a baby blanket for my Cousin K. Her baby is due in October. She isn't finding out the gender so I will have to make something neutral.

send your love

Please go give some love to Belle over at Scrambled Eggs. She just found out her dear little Pip has no heartbeat. My heart aches for her.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

i want more than just ok

AF is a cruel, cruel bitch! As I was getting ready to head out to B's baby shower I felt the cramps start. I put a pad on. On the drive there it started. Come on now! Seriously? You had to show while I am going to be at a baby shower?!

*sigh* *starts to sob*

The shower was beautiful, but there were a few times I had to hold back tears. Watching everyone swarm around her belly. Seeing her open all the gifts. The little girl outfits made me melt.

I caught myself daydreaming many times about my own shower. I personally don't like attention on me. It makes me nervous even if it's a good exciting thing. I was shaking my whole bridal shower. (our wedding I was fine, the Hubby keeps me calm) Even though I know I will hate all the attention, I can't wait for it to be my turn.

I want to be a crying nervous wreck with my family and friends all around me, rubbing my belly and feeling my little one kick. (I know I won't have a problem with people touching my belly) I want to be balling my eyes out reading the inscriptions in the books that are given, knowing soon the Hubby and I will be reading them to our baby. (my family writes in books and gives them instead of cards) I want to open a cute outfit and lay it out across my belly. I want to play the guess how big my belly is game. (none of my cousins and friends wanted that because they didn't like their bellies) I want it all.

*sigh* *blows nose and blubbers a little more*

I know I will be ok. I always am. We will carry on. For a long time I was striving to be just ok. Getting there was a big deal. Now that I am getting there easier I want more. I don't want to be just ok. I just don't know how to get there. Well, maybe I do. I have been slowly working on being happier, but first have to take the next couple of days to climb my way back to ok. I'm kinda at the bottom right now.

Is it strange that dreaming helps me out of this hole? Like right now I am holding one of the little outfits that I put aside for our baby. It upsets me and helps me at the same time. I am probably gonna drag the Hubby out tomorrow to see What to Expect. I know it will also upset me, but I want to see it so bad.

Sorry this post was all over the place. I am so behind on reading posts. I will hopefully catch up tomorrow and Monday.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

upsetting/comforting dream

I was in an unfamiliar bathroom. When I wiped I realized I started bleeding pretty heavily and proceeded to ball my eyes out. I don't know if I was miscarrying or if I was just getting my period, but I was crying harder than I remember ever crying before. When I left the bathroom a huge group of women surrounded me, comforting me. I couldn't make out any faces, but I knew who they were. They were all of you. My beautiful bloggy friends. Thank you for that.

Back to real life.

I stayed in bed for a while just thinking about that dream and a wave of fear rushed over me. I got up, went to the bathroom and I was spotting. It has been and still is brown. It always seems like a lot when I wipe, but never enough to reach the liner. I always spot like this before my period so I am upset and feel like it's over. I know I am only on CD24/11DPO, but there is another thing that makes me think it's over. When I actually ovulate my nipples always hurt from 2DPO till a day or so before AF comes. My nipples went from extremely painful to absolutely nothing yesterday.

I guess I will keep some hope since it's not over till it's over. I just don't feel good about it.

I will be keeping busy till my beta on Sunday. I am still crocheting my butt off trying to finish this baby blanket for B's shower on Saturday. I will finish in time. I don't have a lot to go. I promise I will take pics and do another show and tell when I am done.

This week we also started/continued a big project outside. We finally had someone come take out the rest of the bushes around our house. They were overgrown long before we moved in and were totally overpowering. We are starting from scratch and it looks great already. The house is totally naked right now, but over the weekend the guys will be back to dig up some more roots and then do lots of planting. I will post about it when we are done. I will have before and after shots.

I will leave you today with a pic of our lonely little azalea bush that has been thriving even though it's almost completely covered by other bushes. We saved it and hopefully it will fill out more over time. This was after it rained the other day.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

mother's day

I have never been very excited about Mother's day. Maybe because I don't have a very good relationship with my Mom. It's slowly getting better. I obviously was excited when I was a kid and I did all those things that I can't wait to experience myself.

Bear @ A Daily Miracle wrote perfectly how I am feeling.

"This year I won't be one of the lucky ones to receive a construction paper card covered with too much glue and glitter, or a bouquet of weeds picked right out of our front yard. I won't be on the receiving end of any big bear hugs or sloppy, sticky kisses."

This year is the first year I am feeling it.  Maybe it's because more time has past. Maybe because we have done treatments that didn't work. Maybe it's because I am in my 2WW. Whatever the reason, I am feeling sad. I don't want to get together with my Mom and MIL. I don't feel like calling my many Grandmas and Great Grandmas. I couldn't bring myself to go to church this morning. I want to stay home and do things that make me happy like, oddly enough, finishing a baby blanket for my friend.

Unfortunately we are expected to show up. Lunch with my Mom and dinner with my MIL. I should have talked to them. I know they would have understood, but I feel bad that I might ruin their day because I am sad that I have not experienced what they have.

I bought the cards, picked out willow tree angels perfect for them and will go to lunch and dinner and act like I am fine. I will call my many Grandmas and say Happy First Mother's day to my cousins and friends with new babies. I am going through the motions. And when I come home I will probably cry while the Hubby holds me. I may be sad, but I will get through. And maybe next year I will be able to experience it all. Even if not next year, I know some day.

To everyone out there in the same boat, waiting to experience all this, I feel for you. I know what you are going through and am hoping and praying we all will get our chance soon.

To everyone who is a Mother to an angel baby or even if your baby is living with another family, Happy Mother's day. Your little one, no matter where they are, is so lucky to have such a wonderful Mother.

To everyone who can hold your little ones tight today or rub your little bellies, Happy Mother's day! I thank God that you are able to experience this and so very happy for you.

Friday, May 11, 2012

one lovely blog award

Ok...this is waaaaaaaay overdue! I feel bad that I have been nominated by so many people and haven't thanked you all and passed it on.

So Thank you, Thank you... Adrift on a dandelion breeze, EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow, Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margaritta, Joys Truly @ Gonna Do It For Baby, Audrey @ Building a Family Through DI and Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife. Thank you SOOOO much! I'm really honored. It really is a lovely award from lovely women. I love reading your blogs. Thank you for letting me into your life.

I think I got you all. If I didn't I am so sorry and please tell me so I can add you!

Here is how it works:
  1. Share who gave this award to you with a link back to their blog (above)
  2. Write down 7 random facts about yourself
  3. Give this award to 15 other bloggers
  4. Let them know they have won
  5. Pop the award on your blog

7 random facts about me:

  1. I broke my tailbone sophomore year of high school. It's a kinda funny story. You should know where I live we are overrun by geese most of the year. So, I was in gym class and we were playing something where we had to run around in the field. I was running and ended up slipping on goose poop and landing on my ass! I was in pain and covered in poop! I have nerve damage from it. If I sit for too long my lower back and upper butt goes numb and that area is sore to the touch all the time.
  2. I don't like chocolate chip cookies. Well, I do, just without the chocolate chips. I make the dough and put chips in half for the Hubby and make the other half plain for me.
  3. The Hubby goes on a lot of business trips, usually to the same few places. Ever since the first one he has surprised me with a tiny snow globe from each new state he visits. I have 7 of them now. My favorite is from Tennessee. It has a pair of blue suede shoes inside and the base reads "Walking in Memphis"
  4. I love playing board and card games! My absolute favorite is a card game called Phase 10. It reminds me of a mix between rummy and Uno. My family, especially my grandparents, get pretty serious and cutthroat while playing, but it's always fun!
  5. My first pet was a hermit crab named Hermie. I would build lego houses and mazes for him.
  6. I have a random shaped birth mark on my right arm surrounded by 3 large pronounced freckles.(I say pronounced because I am covered in lots of smaller freckles) It must have been a dominant trait because my Dad had the exact same thing on his right arm! I hope my kids get it too!
  7. I love anything spicy. Spicy with lots of flavor. Sometimes I just really want spicy and it's not hot enough till I start to sweat around my nose. I got that from my Dad too. He used to eat a jar of jalapenos a week.
And now to pass this lovely award on.
  1. A Cup of Tea
  2. A Daily Miracle
  3. A Thousand Oceans
  4. Battlefish
  5. Better Full Than Empty
  6. Dwelling on Dreams
  7. Greetings From Nowhere
  8. Home Grown Love
  9. Hope Delayed
  10. If You Don't Stand For Something
  11. My Infertility Story
  12. One day at a time
  13. Pregnancy 101
  14. Trust in Him
  15. Witty Infertility

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

my progesterone is normal!!

I had my progesterone bloodwork this morning and I was totally expecting it to be low since it was low for the 3 clomid cycles. Apparently I was totally wrong and I am so happy to be wrong! I don't need to take the pills!

OMG! I am so excited! Could things actually be going smoothly? Could my body be working?

Ok I need to calm down! I am getting myself over excited and I don't want to because then I will crash and burn if I get a negative.


wordless wednesday


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

dearly beloved...

We have gathered here today to get through this thing called life.

A little bit of Prince makes me feel good :)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

and now we wait...

and wait...and wait.

This morning was IUI #4. I feel like I have done this a million times even though it's only #4. The routine is always the same. We get up early, collect the Hubby's sample and it travels with us to the office in my bra to keep his spermies warm. We drop it off and then head down to the cafeteria for some breakfast while they prepare the sample.

I was really excited about this cycle. We have 3 beautiful follicles and the Hubby is convinced we are gonna have twins or triplets. As we were eating we had a little conversation that made the both of us happy and relaxed.

Me: I really hope this is the last time we will be having breakfast waiting for an IUI.

Hubby: Well, at least till we try for our second.

Me: (with a big smile on my face) Or third.

Hubby: (laughing) Maybe.

Me: (with an even bigger smile) Or fourth!

Hubby: (laughing even harder) We will see!

I stayed relaxed and hopeful until we found out the post wash number. It wasn't as good as our first 2 IUIs, but better than our 3rd. It is still not as good as they would like to see for an IUI. I had the Dr that I don't like. She doesn't talk much and basically just does the IUI and leaves. Both Dr G and the optimistic Dr are so much better. They talk to us and reassure me that even though the count isn't that good, it only takes one and there is always a chance. I know they would have also stressed we have a better chance since we have 3 beautiful follicles.

I say all that stuff over and over in my head, but it's different when someone says it to you. It's easier to believe others than myself. I haven't talked to the Hubby about how I am feeling yet. I know I have to. I will tonight.

I definitely ovulated today. From the moment I woke up I could feel my belly getting more and more bloated. Then, on the drive home from the IUI the pain started. When I came home I went straight to bed and slept 3 hours. When I woke up I was so bloated I couldn't button my pants! It took another 4 hours, but the bloat and pain finally went down. I still have twinges every once in a while and still a little bloated, but it is so much better.

I always believe the cycle is going to work and then the sperm count knocks me down. I hate now I have to wait 2 weeks. I wish I could just get it over with now. And, it doesn't help that I will be going to a baby shower the day before my beta.

Friday, May 4, 2012

i'm standing in the fire

This morning I got up, got ready and hopped in my car to go get my last u/s and bloodwork before my 4th IUI on Sunday. I put my ipod on shuffle and the first song that came up was perfect. I haven't heard this song in a long time and having it come on today really touched me and pumped me up. It is about taking risks and going for what you desire. I am doing just that. I am not just surviving, I am doing something, everything I can to get to my baby.

Today's u/s showed my 3 little piggies have grown! They are now 17mm, 19mm and 21mm and my lining is really good at 10mm. Dr G double checked with me that I was ok with possibly having twins (she didn't say anything about triplets). Either way we are fine with it. I trigger with ovidrel tonight and we go in bright and early Sunday morning for our IUI.

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Thursday, May 3, 2012

my 3 little piggies

I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments over the past couple of days. I really don't know what I would have done without you. Your comments really helped me. You gave me straight forward answers and calmed my nerves.They made me smile and some even made me laugh which was awesome! I will get to replying soon. I have to comment from my phone because reply is not working from any computer still so it's a little difficult. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Well the cycle is still on track. I have 3 beautiful follies on my left side. One 15mm and two 17mm! They were cute and just looked like chubby little things so I am calling them my 3 little piggies. I have a whole bunch of little follicles on my right, but they won't get anywhere. My lining is really good too.

I was told to take one more shot of 125UI follistim tonight and I will be going back tomorrow morning. As of this morning the plan is to trigger tomorrow night and do the IUI on Sunday morning. The past few IUIs we have done the IUI 24 hours after the trigger. We only did 36 hours with our first so I don't know what they plan on doing. We shall see tomorrow.

The Hubby and I have had many conversations about multiples. We understand the risks to Mom and baby and don't prefer it (if we did IVF we would only transfer one embryo), but if it happens we will welcome them. We also would not do selective reduction unless there is a major, major health issue. I just couldn't do it.*

When the Hubby came home I told him about the three follicles and asked him if he was still ok with possibly having twins or triplets. He did his little joking around that he does and then got serious and told me he is up for it if I am. He is just worried about possible complications and my health.

So we are gonna do it!

*I do not judge anyone who does selective reduction, I personally wouldn't be able to do it. Everyone should be able to choose what they want to do without any judgement.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

the what ifs panic

Ok this is totally not me! I am a little panicky right now.

Earlier tonight I started to "feel my ovaries". I don't know how to explain it, just I could feel some pressure, strange sensations and just like they are bigger. I have never felt that before. Obviously because I have never been on injectables and never possibly had a bunch of follicles growing at the same time. This got me freaked out.

What if I have too many follicles and they have to cancel the cycle?!!! Even the thought of that is upsetting. Then I started thinking about if I have too many can they change it to one of those mini IVFs? I don't even know if they do that.

I told the Hubby my worries and he asked me why they would retrieve only 5 or so eggs. "Isn't that a surgical procedure? They wouldn't do all that for so little." I told him that I have heard of mini retrievals. He didn't like the idea. He also doesn't like the idea of wasting a cycle. Then he told me he didn't like talking abut the what ifs. "We will cross that bridge when we get to it" he says.

I am the kind of person who wants to know how long it will take to get to the bridge, how long is the bridge and what are our options for crossing?

I know, I know. I am totally getting ahead of myself. I have been so good for so long, some craziness had to show up some time. (at least it's not clomid crazies)

I know I need to relax and trust the Dr that she knows what she is doing with my doses. It's just so difficult. I need this to work!

I go back for an u/s and bloodwork in the morning so I guess I will talk to Dr G about my worries.

Has anyone out there had to cancel their IUI cycle due to too many follicles?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

follistim cycle update

Today was CD8 (I am totally not paying attention so I had to look that up) I just write down each dose for each day as I get them and I don't pay much attention to anything else. I'm a little disconnected from this cycle and I think it is good for me. I took 75UI of follistim CD3-7 and tonight I bumped it up to 125UI. At today's u/s Dr G said I have a bunch of follicles, but they are still small. I take 125UI tomorrow night too and go back on Thursday for more bloodwork and an u/s.

Each night I have tried to hard to give myself the shot, but I just can't do it. I know I'm not nervous and shaking anymore like when I tried to do the ovidrel in our last cycles. I know it won't hurt. I have given myself shots of saline before when I was teaching patients how to give themselves insulin so it's not like giving myself a shot is new. I just can't do it now. I was getting angry at myself because I feel stupid that I can't do it. Then last night I think I figured it out.

I am just so emotionally invested in this that maybe it's a little overwhelming. I need someone to take some of the pressure off me and the Hubby giving me the shot does it in some strange way. Does that make any sense to anyone? So the Hubby gets to "jab/poke/stick/shoot me up"(it changes each night) every night. He seems to enjoy it and even might look forward to it. It may be fun to him, but I really appreciate that he does it for me and I tell him that every night.
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