Tuesday, June 26, 2012

my strong little guy

I wasn't planning on blogging today. I was busy running around doing last minute things before I leave tomorrow morning to NC. My errands were put on hold this afternoon when I came home from the gym.
Every year birds build a nest in the huge evergreen trees above our patio. After so many years you would think they would learn not to. You see, the branches move a lot in the wind and every year some baby birds fall out of the nest and pass.
Today was a windy day. When I got home from the gym, to my horror there were 2 poor baby birds who had fallen out of the nest onto our patio and passed. As soon as I saw them I started to cry. I don't know about you, but I can't just leave them there or just toss them into the bushes. So, like every year, I grab a shovel and bury them. I dug a hole (only one, I feel they should stay together) and put the first one in it. When I went back for the second one I burst into tears all over again. Not too far from the second one was a third. It had landed on our grill cover which was folded up on the ground. I buried the second one and came back for the third.
When I approached it, to my complete surprise it sprang to life. Sat straight up with its wide open mouth to the sky, chirping for food. The grill cover had cushioned it's fall! My sad tears turned to joyous ones!
I quickly called my local animal control to find out where I could bring this little one. They called me back and told me there was an animal hospital about a half hour away that accepts birds and bring them to the local bird sanctuary. I ran inside, grabbed a towel and a shoebox and made a little nest for him. He seemed very comfortable in there. Then, hopped in the car and drove straight to the animal hospital.
At each light I lifted the lid to check on him and each time without fail he would sit straight up with his mouth wide open chirping for food. Every time I saw that more tears of joy streamed down my face.
When I got there they asked me to fill out a form so they could keep track of where each bird came from. So I filled out my info, where he was found and why he was picked up. (I also gave them a donation because it is so great that they do this) When I got to the bottom of the page it asked me to name the bird so the sanctuary could identify him. I was also told I could call back, tell them his name and they could tell me how he was doing. Isn't that just so awesome?! Anyway, I stood there for a second asking myself what to name the bird. I named him the first thing that popped into my head.
Everyone, I would like you to meet Calvin. Calvin means little bald one. They Hubby says he is kinda ugly, I think he is cute!
Chirping for food
Please send good thoughts and prayers for this little guy that he survives and thrives. I cry every time I think about him. I got so attached to him in the 2 hours we were together. I'm torn on weather or not I should call for an update in a couple days. Even though he seemed so strong I am so scared he won't make it and I can't bear to hear that.

Monday, June 25, 2012

perfect moment monday

Lori says "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between."

Trying to relax is at the top of my list right now and I think I am doing a pretty good job of it.
A couple weeks ago, relaxing in my tub.
Pedicure yesterday so I have pretty, soft feet for my vacation. Pardon my uber pale/unshaved legs.
Channeling my inner girly girl. Barbie toes!

Friday, June 22, 2012

maybe a cure for mfi?...stupid commercial

There have been a lot of commercials that involve pregnant women that I just sit there and shake my head and say . . .Really?

Remember the credit card one with the pregnant lady with the big belly who went to the Dr and apparently just found out she was having triplets? She surprised her Hubby with 3 cribs and he passed out. Come on now! She didn't know she was having triplets till then?!

Then there are those stupid car commercials with Bro.oke Shi.elds saying there is an epidemic sweeping the nation because women are getting pregnant just to get a car.

There are a bunch more that are just annoying, but I can't seem to remember them right now.

Anyway, I saw a new one last night.

Ugh! So stupid. The Hubby and I just sat there and shook our heads. Maybe that's the cure for MFI! I should run out and get some!

What pregnancy related commercials annoy the heck out of you?

Thursday, June 21, 2012

june IComLeavWe

Hello everyone! If you have not been here before welcome! If you have, welcome back! You can read a little about me here and my timeline here.

First I wanted to thank everyone for all your sweet, caring comments on my last post. I still get so overwhelmed, in a good way, when people comment and show they care how I am feeling and all the Hugz make me feel great!

So, where I'm at. Well we just got a BFN on our 5th medicated IUI cycle. Our RE recommended doing 3 with clomid and 3 with follistim. We are going to take a month off before we do our last IUI with follistim in July-August. If it doesn't work then we will be moving on to IVF hopefully in September. September will also be our 3 years TTC mark.

I was on the fence about taking a break. For months I have been talking about going to visit my cousin and Godson for his 1st Birthday, but that would mean skipping this month. I would be in NC at the time I would need to be doing follicle checks and possibly the IUI. The Hubby pushed me and reminded me how I wouldn't want to miss Little L's 1st Birthday and how relaxing and fun it is when I visit. He also reminds me that we have waited almost 3 years, we can handle another month. So, I bought my plane tickets and I leave in 6 days! I really can't wait! There will be wonderful company, great food,  lots of drinks, tons of sun and relaxation. I will be spending a lot of time at the pool. I haven't been in a bathing suit in a year and it will be nice since I am 15lbs lighter!

I love IComLeavWe! It is so awesome to find new blogs and hand out lots of love and Hugz in comment form! I found a whole bunch of new blogs last month, but they are still sitting in different tabs at the top of my browser. I have to get to them and add them to my reader so I can keep up! To all of you that I said I can't wait to check you out I will be there soon! Don't you hate it when real life gets in the way? LOL!

Hope everyone has a great week and finds lots of new freinds!

Friday, June 15, 2012


It was negative. I'm not surprised at all.

Between last night and this morning I think I cried more than in the last few months combined. I am still sad, but pretty much made peace with it even before I got the call.

I just feel so drained. I guess it's a good thing we are taking a break.

The pull on my heart to be pregnant is so strong right now. I want to feel the baby moving inside me. It used to be just the desire to be a mother and being pregnant would be a bonus. Now, I feel like I need to be pregnant.

My bestie texted me today while I was waiting for the call. Since they moved we don't see much of each other. They were in the area and wanted to stop by. My bestie N, her Hubby and Little Z. I still don't know if it helped or hurt, holding and playing with 8 month old Z. I guess maybe a little bit of both so it evened itself out.

We will see how the weekend goes. Hopefully I will be too busy to think much.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

these dreams are killing me!

In April I had my first pregnancy dream ever. I was so excited to finally be able to see myself with pregnant belly. This dream made me happy, but since then the dreams just upset me more and more.

Then, in May I dreamt about what might have been a miscarriage.

Last week I had a dream about getting a positive pregnancy test on this cycle and it really upset me. It felt like a huge tease and I couldn't get it out of my head all week. Until today.

Last night I had the most clear vivid dream yet. I just got home from the hospital and was holding our baby girl. She was beautiful. I can't remember it now, but in the dream I could see her face. She was a perfect combination of the Hubby and I. I also remember she was wearing a hot pink velour tracksuit with the hood up which I now find totally hilarious.

When I woke up I started to cry and have been bursting into tears every time I think about it today. Why do I have to have these dreams? I really don't need to be teased right now. I was in a good place till that dream. I truly felt like I was able to handle this cycle failing, but now the emotions are flowing and won't stop. I had a long ugly cry at my psyc a bit ago. It felt good to get out, but now my eyes are puffy and stinging and I have a constant knot in my throat.

Tomorrow is my beta. I feel no different from the 4 other medicated IUI cycles. It will most likely be negative and I will be holding back tears while celebrating Father's day with the Hubby's family this weekend.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

the new plan

Well...not really new just with some added stops. I decided I need a break and it feels so good to just do it.

Last month I had the need to just keep moving forward. I had to just jump right into IUI #5. We were having issues with the insurance so I rushed and did everything I could so we could start the cycle. We just made it and I was relieved.

The original plan was and still is we do 6 IUIs, 3 with clomid, 3 with follistim and then move onto IVF. My beta for IUI #5 is on Friday. No matter what the result is I am going on vactation.

It will be my Godson, Little L's 1st Birthday at the end of the month and I decided to fly to North Carolina for a week to celebrate and visit. It will be bittersweet. On one hand I am so excited to go. I miss my Cousin T and Little L so much and it always feels like a vacation when I am there. On the other hand I'm a bit bummed because Little L is turning 1. It has been another whole year. I remember all the time TTC before during and after T's pregnancy and it hurts. I also know they will be most likely be trying for #2 soon and it is killing me just thinking about it. T and I talk about everything so I think I will talk to her about that. I will probably ask her if she will tell me if they are going to try soon so I can wrap my head around it now and not feel like I have been slapped across the face when she announces she is pregnant for the 2nd time most likely before I am for the first.

I will absolutely be shocked if the beta is positive on Friday. If it is then YAY I get to be frisked at the airport instead of going through the Xray machine and I will have to try and hide not feeling well while away if it starts. I will gladly and excitedly welcome it all!

So the new plan with a negative test on Friday is to take the next cycle off. Relax and regroup. Then, we will start the last IUI cycle. This will be our last chance before IVF and ya know what? I think I have basically come to terms with it. We will try one more time and then move onto something that will give us amazingly better chances of conceiving. If we do a fresh transfer I could be pregnant just after we hit the TTC 3 year mark.

Back when we started treatments I made a long term goal with the help of my psyc. I obviously wanted to be pregnant that month, but deep down I knew it wasn't reasonable and would hurt making that goal each month. So the long term goal was to be pregnant by Labor day. Labor day 2009 we started TTC. I will have to tell you about that Labor day some time.

By taking this break I am pushing everything back a month and will probably not reach that goal, but I am ok with that. I need a break. We are getting closer and closer to having children and if I have waited almost 3 years I can wait another month.

Monday, June 11, 2012

send your love

Please go send your love and support to M @ Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying. She delivered her 3 beautiful children on June 9th just a week short of viability. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

what i have been up to

It feels like I haven't been on in a couple of weeks even though it's only been 4 days. I have been so crazy busy and now extremely tired. Bullet points are about all I can handle right now.

  • Wednesday I took the Hubby to a surgeon to have him check out a big infected cyst that needed to be removed from his back. He had been on antibiotics from his PCP, but it didn't work. We knew it wouldn't even though the PCP said it would and wouldn't give us the script to see the surgeon until he was ready. Stupid PCP. The Hubby had the same thing happen a few years ago and the antibiotics didn't work until the cyst was lanced. It should have been removed too, but we had issues with the old surgeon. This surgeon was awesome and scheduled him for the next day.
  • Thursday he had the surgery. They removed the current cyst and also removed the walls of the old one which could potentially have come back. The surgeon was amazing. So personable and an awesome bedside manor. the outpatient surgery center was beautiful! So clean and organized. The nurses and staff were so nice and helpful. We will definitely be going back there if we ever need any other surgeries.
  • While the Hubby was having the surgery I waited in the very comfortable waiting room and read blogs on my phone. There was a young receptionist probably in her early to mid 20s. She came over by where I was sitting to fill her water bottle and asked me if I wanted her to turn on the tv. I told her I was good reading blogs on my phone. She asked me if I was reading anything interesting. Without thinking twice I told her I was reading infertility blogs and how there was an amazing online community. She then opened up and told me she was just told by her Dr she will have a difficult time conceiving because of her thyroid condition and other things. She asked me about the blogs so I told her a good starting point would be Stirrup Queens Completely Anal List of Blogs That Proves That She Really Missed Her Calling as a Personal Organizer. She thanked me and went back to her work. After all that happened I really thought about it and felt good about being open and honest and might have just helped someone find this amazing community who is or soon will be going through all this IF shit. It seems like every time I open up to someone, they are in the same boat. Crazy.
  • Friday the Hubby was in pain so we hung around the house and I crocheted while he napped, watched tv and played computer games. He is doing a lot better now. Not in much pain anymore. 
  • My new crochet project is a really cute pillow for my Godson Little L. I will post about it when I am done. He will be turning 1 at the end of the month. I really can't believe it's been a year. Kinda makes me sad remembering her whole pregnancy, his birth and now he will be 1. *sigh* 
  • I'm kinda bummed out right now. I was doing great ignoring this whole 2WW and not getting my hopes up for this cycle. I was content and happy thinking if it's negative that's ok and if it's actually positive then even better!!! This changed when I woke up Saturday morning. I had a dream about this cycle. In the dream the Hubby and I were all excited about the cycle. How we had at least one follicle on each side and how we have awesome chances of it working. (I think we were a little over optimistic in the dream) Anyway, in the dream I ended up taking a HPT the day before my beta and it was positive. We were jumping around all excited yelling I knew it, I knew it would work. So I woke up from that realizing it wasn't real and was instantly bummed out. Also pissed because now the cycle was the only thing on my mind and I couldn't get it out. I still can't get it out no matter what I do. It sucks!
  • Yesterday and today we spent a lot of time with my FIL and Step MIL. They are visiting from Florida and moving the rest of their furniture out of their old house that they have been renting out. We moved a ton of boxes and furniture to Step SIL apartment, BIL and girlfriend's house and some to our house. We will be going back to help them pack a truck at the end of the week with the rest of their things they are taking back to Florida with them.
  • So now I am tired and vegging in front of the tv trying not to think about this cycle. I refuse to look up my CD or DPO. All I know is Friday I go for my beta and I don't know anymore how ok I will be if it's negative. Probably will be negative.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

patience is a virtue

“Patience is a virtue, Possess it if you can, Seldom found in woman, Never found in man” 

Those words were said often by my Nana when I was little and apparently I learned it very early. I have been told that I was a very patient child. I was always good at waiting my turn and even when I was over excited for a trip or something fun I could wait pretty quietly for it to happen.

When I was 8 and over the last 20 years I have learned even more patience in helping take care of my multiply disabled little brother. He is and will most likely stay around a 5 year old level and because of his OCD and sometimes manic outbursts, patience is needed. Sometimes when I am out with him having dinner or in a store and he has one of his outbursts I can usually calm him down pretty quickly. I get asked by waiters and people around us how I do it. I usually respond "Patience and understanding" I never really thought about my answer till now.

I now realize how patient I am in every day life. I don't mind waiting in long lines. Going to the motor vehicle office doesn't bug me. Traffic doesn't bother me.

I wrote a little while ago about our 10 year plan. How very early on in dating we knew we wanted to get married, but the Hubby is a planner so everything needed to be in place before we did. That meant 4 years till he proposed. I remember wanting to get marred asap. Wanting to start our lives together as husband and wife. I would bug him about it every once in a while, but it was playful. I didn't realize just how patient I am till I received this comment from Kate @ Infertile First Mom.
What a reward that would be for all those times you had to hear, eventually!
One reason I know you will be an excellent mother is because you have had to become extremely patient!! But you have waited long enough. Time to let your husband be proven right.
I have been patient. Very patient. Patient through the almost 3 years of TTC. Patient through 9 babies very close to us being conceived and born in that time. Patient while watching 4 of those babies for over a year. Patient through 4 and now starting my 5th baby blanket to give away. Patient through 4 failed IUIs and in my 2WW of our 5th. Patiently letting my cousin repaint and use my Dad's/my old baby dresser till I am ready to use it. Patient through all the questions about when we are having a baby from all our friends and family. And so much more.

I am tired of being so patient, yet I still am and will probably continue to be. That's just me. 

“Patience is a virtue, Possess it if you can, Seldom found in woman, Never found in man” 

That saying makes me giggle now. After being married and seeing how impatient the Hubby is with a lot of little things, I find myself quoting my Nana. And when I do the Hubby laughs and sticks his tongue out at me. I guess the saying is right. ;)

Another song on my IF mix and that I listen to often. <3 Guns N' Roses

Friday, June 1, 2012

Classy and Fabulous

Congratulations E & H @ Many Many Moons on the arrival of your Beautiful Little Girl!

Welcome to your Blogishower!

A big thank you to Natalie @ I was told there would be pajamas for hosting!

This is my first time being a part of a Blogishower and I am so excited!

I can't remember exactly how I stumbled on your blog, but I am so glad I did. I know it wasn't too long after starting my blog in October and I probably clicked over from one of your long time readers. I remember being hooked from the first post I read.

From the beginning I talked about you often with my Hubby. Any time you were waiting on news from an birth mother he would ask about updates. When you experienced heartbreak we were upset with you and when we read the wonderful news of your little girl finally in your arms we were both so excited and happy for you! We are both eagerly waiting to read the next chapter.

And now for the present!

On it's way to you is a Cuddle Bunny. It's one of those little blanket buddies for babies to cuddle with and also doubles as a toy. I hope you all enjoy cuddling together. And yes, I made it. The yarn is a little stiff when it's first made so I recommend washing it before you use it. The more you play with it the softer it will get. I sent wash instructions with it.

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