Thursday, December 20, 2012

on fears and fighting that old pull of depression

I just wanted to warn everyone this is a pretty long post where I talk about depression and the fears of miscarriage. I am extremely blessed and grateful to be pregnant, but I am allowed to have my own feelings and fears and I need to let them out. I am not very eloquent and things don't always come out right. I can ramble on and not be very clear sometimes. I hope you understand and I am sorry if anyone takes it as being ungrateful. That is not how I feel.

I have been in a strange place over the past month and I couldn't figure out what was going on in my brain. At first it obviously was being upset about Purcey and fighting hard to make sure I didn't slip into that old depression, but I could also feel something pulling me back from really embracing my babies like I had done for the first 19 weeks or so. Until I got past that pull of depression and my subconscious let me in through a dream last week, I had no clue that others losses in this community had affected me so much.

I haven't really talked about it much on my blog. I have mentioned depression and how I was going through bouts of it at different times in this journey, but other than emails with other bloggy friends I don't think I have ever mentioned being diagnosed when I was a teenager and being on prozac till about 4 years ago, when my situation had changed. I had moved out of my Mom's house and away from our horrible, destructive, mentally abusive relationship. (Only after I left could we really work on it) I was happy and being on the prozac while basically happy made me feel like I had no emotion. I couldn't cry when I felt I needed to. It made me feel numb. I then decided I needed to go off of it so my Dr weaned me off. There were a few times during our IF journey that I thought about going back on it, but I had that fear of what the meds would do to my baby when I did get pregnant. I know now how the benefits of me being mentally in a good place totally outweigh the low risks of the meds on babies in utero.

After Purcey died, every once in a while I could feel that old pull of depression. The difference between this time and all the other times was I could actually feel it and recognize it and it scared me. All the other times in the past the depression just came. I slipped easily into those dark places and didn't feel and recognize it till it was too late. I was so shocked at how I felt it and could actually work it out in my head that this was depression trying to sneak up on me and actually do something about it.

I remember the moment I realized it. The day after he died I was in bed. After crying for a while I felt numb and then I felt the depression. Being able to recognize it scared me. I could remember what it had done to me in the past. How it kept me in bed. How I pulled away from so many people I loved. How horrible I felt physically and it scared the shit out of me. I know going back there was something I didn't want to do, but I remember even more so it scared me to do that to my babies.

"Hell no am I going to let my babies feel that horrible depression! It was bad enough that I went through it I don't want them to have to!" Ran through my head. I totally give all the credit for what I did next to my psyc and my babies. My psyc for the past year and a half of working with me and teaching me how to deal with everything and my babies for just being there and saving me.

As soon as I made the decision that I would not do this to Roo and Squirt. I hopped right out of bed and frantically worked out what I needed to do. The truth was I had no clue what I needed to do so I just focused on the babies. Even if it was just a distraction it would be enough to fight that pull. Over the next few days I kept busy with anything and everything for the babies. If I couldn't find something to keep me busy in the house, I left the house. I reached out to my family and had them help me keep busy. And you know what? It worked and I am completely amazed at myself.

Over these past few weeks I have really done a good job of pushing it away and not letting the depression effect me. I have worked through it with my psyc and gotten back to a good place, yet I still felt something pulling me away from my pregnancy. Almost a disconnect. It was very subtle and felt like it was hidden. I love and thought about my babies all the time, but there was still something there.

A few nights ago my mind finally let me in. That feeling of disconnect was deep and my subconscious finally explained it to me in a dream. In my dream I was somewhere between 20 and 23 weeks and my water broke. Then I woke up.

I remember waking up from that dream in a complete panic checking my sheets for wetness or blood and rubbing my belly and mentally willing my babies to move. They did and I calmed down. Subconsciously I have been fearing losing my babies and I think it only surfaced now because of where I am in the pregnancy. I am a week away from that 24 week mark that can give so many of us a little sense of relief.

Being infertile you know too much. Being in this amazing ALI community you meet and connect with so many wonderful people. You get amazing, life changing support that I will forever be grateful and in debt to you all for and you are able to give of your heart to others which I am grateful to be able to do. Unfortunately in this community there is a lot of heartache and suffering. People you love have to go through things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and even if you personally have never experienced it, it can stick with you.

I wish everyone out there with angel babies never had to go through what you did, but I never wish that I wasn't a part of your lives and your story. I don't regret reading your posts and crying and praying for you. I would never take any of it back. I pray that I haven't upset anyone. I love you and I don't want anyone to be upset because I am expressing my fears.

I finally got to talk to my psyc today about it. Finally realizing my underlying fear, where it was coming from and why I was a little disconnected made me feel a little better. We connected it to other things I have gone through in my past too. Even though these fears are still in the back of my mind I know how blessed I am to be where I''m at. I love these babies with all my heart and I am so grateful that I have connected with them so much already.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

18-22 weeks

I'm sorry I have been so lazy about posting updates! I actually wanted to do this for myself and I have let myself down. I am actually 23 weeks now, but wrote most of this last Tuesday. I will post this one now and my 23 week tomorrow. There are new pics.

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I last posted an update! As soon as we found out Purcey was sick, thinking about this pregnancy kinda went on the back burner. I mean I always thought about my babies and took care of myself, but most of my daily thoughts were with Purcey and taking care of him and I'm glad I did.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 18-22 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 215. Over the last 5 weeks I have gained 8lbs. These babies have grown a lot and so has my belly!

What's going on with the babies?: We got all the results for the NT scan and bloodwork back in the past weeks and everything looked good. I didn't get numbers or our % chance because I don't want to focus on that. My babies seem healthy and are growing well. That's what's important. We had and anatomy scan  days ago and they are looking good. About a pound each and measuring just under 22 weeks. I have 2lbs of baby in there now! Their most recent heart rates were at around 170bpm each. When their heads were measured the tech said "they have good sized heads" in a tone that made it sound like they were big. They Hubby and I looked at each other and I laughed. I know Squirt and Roo are going to have big heads. The Hubby's noggin is huge! Hehehe.

Finally posted more U/s pics on the Squirt and Roo page.

What's going on with my body?: Overall I have been feeling pretty good. I only get heartburn at night when I eat something really spicy like the jambalaya I made last night. Not making that anymore! It's just starting to get a little difficult getting up off the couch. I think it's more because I don't want to bend too much and squish the babies. I'm probably just crazy, but it makes me feel better LOL! I am definitely starting to slow down a bit. Things like showering take me a little longer now and overall I think I'm just taking my time more. My boobs have gone through major changes these past few weeks! I am pale pasty white everywhere so I had absolutely no color on my areolas and my nipples were small and pretty light. Now they really stand out. It's kinda crazy. They Hubby was shocked when he saw the changes.

What does the belly look like?: It's getting bigger! I still have a bit of a crease at my belly button. Just this week I started to get some small red spots and little stretch marks below my belly button. I knew it was coming and its just gonna get worse. I prepared myself early for them since they were inevitable. I obviously won't like the way they look, no one does, but I think I am more worried about how they feel. I hate that stretched sore skin feeling. I hated it when I was at my heaviest and so happy when I dropped a little weight and the soreness went away. Hopefully all the cream I am using will help a bit with any soreness. It's definitely getting rid of the itchy skin.

Maternity clothes: I still only have maternity pants and the 1 top from my bestie. I can still wear my old t shirts, but I really should go shopping. I just don't like spending money on myself. I will have to go get at least 1 top for Christmas. Hoping my family get's me some maternity clothes or gift cards to the stores so I can shop for free!

Movement: Squirt and Roo have definitely been moving a lot more. Mostly just stretching out so I get steady pressure. On December 1st we got our first real kick and it came at the best time. I wrote about it yesterday. I still don't know who is moving when since they seem to be changing positions a lot. Every time we have an U/s they are facing a new way.

Sleep: Still sleeping great with my Snoogle pillow. I do wake up sometimes to change positions and go pee, but can usually go right back to sleep.

Cravings/aversions: Since my aversion to sweets went away, my main craving has been for cinnamon rolls. Most things are still too sweet for me, but for some reason cinnamon rolls aren't. Kinda strange. I have only given in to the craving twice with little ones from the grocery store, but over the past few days I have been really craving a big one from cinnabun. I have been really good about eating right so I don't know why I don't treat myself every once in a while.

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out!We always make sure we tell the tech ahead of time that we aren't finding out and I tell them that if they are going to peek to tell me to close my eyes since I know what I am looking at. No one has checked yet. The Hubby asked me if I would be really upset if someone slipped and told us. I have no desire to find out, but won't be upset if someone slips. We are going to try and make sure they don't but if it happens there is nothing we can do about it.

Names: I finally got my name book back from my cousin and we have gotten through the girl names. We have about 10 girl names and 5 boy names right now. Once we get through the second half of the book we will work on narrowing it down to 3 or 4 of each. We want to have options and see what Roo and Squirt look like before we name them.

What I miss: I miss being treated normally by my Mom and MIL. They treat me like I can't do anything. Yes, I have restrictions, but I am allowed to lift some things and I don't have to be sitting 24/7! When I am around them I get yelled at if I lift anything even a grocery bag with only bread and chips in it and they make me sit all the time! I know my own limits. Thank goodness the Hubby trusts me. He helps out a lot and does anything for me, but knows I can do things and lets me.

What I am looking forward to: I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year I didn't want to decorate or do much of anything. It was too overwhelming getting everything out and doing the things I so badly wanted to do with my own children. This year I am blessed to be pregnant. I can't wait to decorate and be able to happily daydream about next year with our babies.

Mood and emotions: It has been a rough month for me with everything going on with Purcey. I still don't feel like I am back to myself and I probably wont' be for a while. I am currently working on a post about how I have been feeling. Depression can still rear it's ugly head even if you are pregnant and happy.

Milestones: I hit 20 weeks! The halfway point. Most likely more than halfway since we are having twins, but basically halfway!

Medical concerns: Nothing really. Just working with my psyc to get through some rough stuff mentally.

Sex?: Nope, but I got up the nerve to ask Dr Monty if just maybe orgasm would be ok without penetration. I figured the answer would be no since I am still on modified bed rest. He actually told me not yet, but he will let me know when I can again! He just wants to wait a little longer. I am really excited knowing there is a chance that we could get back to it at some point before being 6 weeks postpartum which could be July.

Best moment of the week: The best moment yet was feeling some real kicks for the first time.

Hows Daddy?: He is really loving my belly now. I can tell how excited he is about the babies and getting ready for them.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): The Hubby's new thing is every morning he tells them to be bad for Mommy, kick me really hard and jump on my bladder a lot. They seem to listen to him!

Nursery: We started to register this past week, but we have gotten nowhere with the decor. I think their room is just going to be eclectic. Touches of lots of different things.

Blankets to keep: I wanted to thank everyone for all their comments and ideas when I posted about not knowing what to do for our babies blankets. We still haven't picked out patterns, but we have it narrowed down. Hopefully we can figure it out soon and I can start crocheting.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

the babies know

I totally believe the babies know what is going on outside of their comfy little womb. They can sense my emotions and react to it. I had thought about it for a while just wondering if they could, but I got an answer that blew my mind a little over a week ago.

The day before Purcey passed, the Hubby and I were watching him in pain and made the decision to help him pass peacefully. It was the most difficult decision we ever had to make and was very upsetting. That day the Hubby and I spent a lot of time just cuddling together and taking care of Purcey. We were both pretty upset.

While we were in bed watching a movie, I felt a real kick for the first time! I quickly put my had on my belly and felt it again from the outside too! Then, I grabbed the Hubby's hand and put it on my belly. He had to wait for a bit, but he ended up getting the biggest kick yet! I actually felt the really hard kick against his hand. His eyes got huge, his face lit up and he kept saying things like "WOW that is crazy and so cool!" Up until then I had only been feeling the babies stretching out. Slow steady pressure, no sharp movements.

I really think they knew how upset we were and wanted to remind us they were there for us. Maybe they were saying a little goodbye to Purcey. All I know is it blew my mind. They gave us something we didn't even know we needed right when we needed it. Just like Purcey knew I was pregnant, I think the babies will always know Purcey. Subconsciously they will always know him by the warmth and pressure of him "keeping them warm"* and the vibration and sound of his purring through my belly.

*The Hubby always told Purcey to lay on me and "keep the babies warm".

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Godspeed my sweet Purcey

Saturday morning we took Purcey to the vet and helped him pass peacefully without pain. I obviously cried, but the Hubby cried too. That was the first time I have ever seen him cry in almost 10 years of being together and it broke my heart.

I think this is the most difficult thing I have been through. I haven't been able to stop crying since Saturday. He was my furry baby for 12 years and now he is gone. The house feels empty. I keep expecting him to jump in bed with me in the morning when the Hubby gets up for work or greet me at the door when I get home, but he isn't there. I get up in the morning and feel kinda lost because I am used to going into the kitchen to feed him, but there is no one to feed. I miss his tiny squeak of a meow and his cuddles.

I know I just have to remember that it was better than him suffering and being in any more pain than he was already. That I saved him from a shelter and gave him a home and a full life. One that could have ended at 7 months if we hadn't adopted him. I need to believe that he knew how much he was loved and how much he is missed.

The Hubby told me that he believed that just like in my dream that my Dad and Poppy were there to welcome him and give him all the head scratching that he likes. My bestie told me that my babies are lucky to have another guardian angel watching over them.

I have been thinking over the past few days that I need to honor him in some way. I was thinking about getting him an ornament for our Christmas tree. We actually adopted him right after Christmas and he always loved sleeping under the tree and looking at the ornaments every year. I am going to have to look around.

Godspeed Purcey baby. We miss you.

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