my trip and my stupid body

Phew! Just finished 6 days of posts I missed. I had major withdrawal and I am never doing that again! I gotta make sure I can read and comment on posts at least every couple days.

I Love reading all your blogs and all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Whether you are TTC, grieving a loss or celebrating or worried about a pregnancy. I think about you every day and pray you find hope, comfort and peace.

I am also so excited people are reading my blog! Thank you for your comments. It is nice knowing someone is out there thinking of me.

So onto my trip. While the Hubby was  in business meetings I was visiting family. Nights everyone got together after work and it was a nice group of 9 of us. During the day it was just me, a preggo and a baby (and his mom). The mommy and baby are my best cousin T(1 of my 2 besties) and her 4 month old Little L. The preggo is V (another cousin). Little L is my Godson and I had missed him and T so much since they moved 10 hours away a couple weeks ago. We used to get together at least once a week. This visit though difficult was nothing like the last one...

A few months ago T, Little L and I took the drive down to visit T's immediate family. I was in a bad place then. Extremely jealous and angry about V's pregnancy. I was holding everything in and basically crying myself to sleep every night. She had gotten pregnant on the first try. She was 2 months at the time and this is going to be baby #6 in the family. I coulda been #2 if we had no IF issues or #4 if I didn't have a chemical. Anyway, every time we hung out during that visit all I heard out of V's mouth was complaining. How she felt sick, how she wasn't allowed to eat certain things she loved, how her back hurt and how difficult pregnancy was. She knew my situation and yet she always complained to me. One of the last nights I was there V and I were alone in the kitchen baking for Little L's baptism. I was licking the brownie batter of the spoon (only cuz I knew I wasn't pregnant) V started to complain how she loved licking the spoon and how its killing her that she can't because of the raw egg in the batter. After a week of hearing stuff like that I finally flipped. I didn't yell but burst into tears and sternly said "V do you have any idea what I would give up to be in your situation?! I would give up brownies for the rest of my life just to be pregnant like you! I would give up anything to be in your situation!" I just left her there in shock, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I apologized a few days later for flipping out a bit. She told me I shouldn't apologize and that she can't imagine what I am going through.

Back to the present...
Last weeks trip was so much better. There were times when we were all talking and the conversation changed to pregnancy or baby stuff, which it obviously does in that kind of company. I would find myself listening to a conversation I wasn't a part of or talking about stuff that made me cry and I let myself cry. There were times I was playing with Little L and he would smile and laugh at me or when he would cuddle up on my chest and fall asleep, I was happy and sad and I let myself cry.

The Hubby and other family would see me crying and ask me if I was OK and I could truthfully answer YES. I was OK. I am OK. I am allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to let it out. I am not going to miss spending time with V, T or Little L because I know I would regret it later. It may be difficult sometimes but I can do it.

My stupid body.
So for this trip I decided it would be too difficult to be tracking my cycle so we started our break this month too. During the long drive there I started to get some twinges only on my left side. I got excited cuz it was CD18, I hadn't ovulated in 4 months and when I do it's usually between CD18 and CD20. There was no way we would be able to do the horizontal polka cuz he was dropping me off with my family and heading straight to business meetings 2 hours away for a couple days. We talked it through and since we had no proof from OPK we were not going to worry about it and just enjoy our trip. We of course were thinking just our luck, but were OK. CD20 comes and I start spotting on and off to CD22. Now I am totally confused. I never spot until the day before AF and that had always been around 35 days since stopping BCP. Sunday morning, CD23 AF come full force. WTF! I am 2 weeks early! I am scared my stupid body is going back to the way it was before BCP. I used to have cycles that went anywhere from 10 days to 200 days. GRRRRRR I don't want this!