First, if anyone is interested I updated my about me. I added a couple pics. I hope you enjoy them.
On Wednesday I read a post by Rachel @ Eggs In A Row. She was talking about things that were making her sad. Initiative 26, Michelle Duggar talking about being so blessed that God gave them child #20 and the thought of her sister holding a newborn baby. All those things make me feel the same way. (except for the part about her sister-insert my besties and their new babies.) Then she said something that really deeply hit home. She talked about feeling guilty about feeling sad. That was and still is my biggest hurdle. Before the emotions of infertility, I can't remember when I last felt guilt and another big one that goes with it, selfishness.
Like a lot of you that I have read about, I also grew up way too fast and took care of people who should have been taking care of me. I did it willingly and without any complaint because that is just how I was. I didn't know any other way. Until I was older I didn't realize how truly difficult my life was. Even though it was hard at times I was grateful for what and who I had and in my life and did feel very blessed. Who knew those blessings could multiply a million times over night. When I met and eventually married the Hubby I felt blessed and grateful beyond words. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for him and the life we have together.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but for the Hubby and I getting married and having children was kinda a package deal. It was what we wanted and it kinda just rolled into one. At that point we had no idea we had fertility issues. We, like most people, assumed we would just get pregnant so I kinda stupidly already felt blessed that it would be next. That just sounds so stupid when I write it. Please let me know if you understand.
So anyway, because of all the above mentioned for our wedding song we chose Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More". If you don't know the song here it is.
I am so blessed with the most amazing Hubby, supportive loving family, wonderful friends, a beautiful home and so much more. How dare I be upset! How dare I ask for more! I'm being ungrateful, selfish and greedy and then on top of all that guilty basically for having feelings. It is a daily struggle. It is a main point I am working on with my psyc. I also try to keep what my guardian angel said in my head at all times.
What is your biggest hurdle and how do you try to climb your way over it?
While I do feel guilty from time to time for feeling sad, or jealous, or any number of other feelings, what I mostly feel is fear. I'm so afraid of having feelings that my husband won't approve of, that will end my marriage for real this time. It's so hard to tell anyone about that, waiting to hear 'that's no way for a marriage to be,' or 'why don't you just leave him,' because you know what? We're working on it. It's like getting both barrels every time I try to talk to someone. 'Just adopt. Leave him.' 'Have you tried in vitro? You can do better.' And from my best friend: 'You don't need him to have a baby, you can get a sperm donor.' I just...argh.
ReplyDeleteAll of this is so hard for all of us to deal with. I wish none of us felt the need to throw more crap on top of what we're already struggling through. I hope you jump your hurdle with plenty of room to spare.
Yea that has got to be hard. I can't even imagine. People should realize that you are working on it and doing what is right for you and your own family. Love conquers all.
ReplyDeleteThanks
And now I feel guilty for subjugating your post. Ha! I'm so screwed up.
ReplyDeleteEmily, you are such a kind, caring person. I can't imagine someone begrudging you a little well-deserved selfishness. Thank you for being a friend.
Don't feel guilty. I asked the question and I was looking for answers. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI think my biggest hurdle, being an Army Wife, is that I'm not only handicapped but infertile as well. Its like being an Army Wife means I have to be the strong one when he deploys and there are just days that I want to crumble to my knees crying out "why?". I often wonder why I can't produce the family we so badly want. It does take a toll on a marriage and anyone who says it makes them grow stronger I swear has some pretty good depression meds in their system. Just my point of view.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who has fibromyalgia. I see how difficult it can be. I don't know how you do it with all of it on your plate. You are strong even if you crumble to your knees. I totally agree it does take a big toll on our marriage, but personally in my marriage by learning how to talk through difficult things, make huge decisions together and force us to work out problems it has made our marriage grow. Daily struggle though sometimes. That is just for me. I can't speak for anyone else. No meds here LOL!
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking!
ReplyDeleteI know how hard the hurdles are...and I get it. Truly.
OMG you are going to Disney World in two days???
No freakin way...That was our wedding song! LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteMy biggest hurdle is letting go of the life I felt I was entitled to. Everyday I have to wake up and make the best of what I have been given, not what I think I should have.
Great post Emily! Have fun in Disney World!!!!!
@Rachel: Yes we are leaving on Thursday. LOL only 1 person read the post I talked about it LOL!
ReplyDelete@Beckie: LOL really? That is awesome!