Monday, November 7, 2011

is this really a good idea?

While typing this I am rocking a 6 week old to sleep. Little Z.

My bestie N recently went back to work and her hubby who is a stay at home daddy wanted to come over to hang, do some laundry and fix our snow blower. He also said hanging with me helps him because he can bounce stuff off me since I basically was a nanny to 4 cousins starting ages 2, 2 month old twins and a 7 month old for a year and a half. While he is outside for a bit I am watching Little Z.

As I am holding him I cant help but ask myself if I think it is a good idea to be cuddling with him. Can I handle it? I am in heaven at the moment, but am I gonna get depressed tonight when they leave and I realize again what I am missing out on?

My answer to myself...It may not be a good idea, but I DON'T CARE!

I love him too much! I can't get enough of him! Taking care of him makes me so happy!


That was earlier today.

My friend and Little Z went home a while ago.  If this was even a month ago I would probably be in bed right now pitying myself and crying, but I am not and I am so proud of myself! I of course am thinking about what I am missing out on and how badly I want a baby, it is still upsetting. I obviously can't turn off my emotions, but it is not crippling me like it used to. I don't know how I will feel in the morning, but right now I am OK and I am taking it one day at a time. It took me a long time to get to this point.

For those of you that are going through a rough time right now I am praying so hard that you take it one day at a time, stay strong and hopefully can say that you are OK. If only for an hour today, maybe tomorrow a little longer.

PS- I called the Dr's office regarding the Hubby's sleep apnea and getting him a CPAP machine before we leave for Disney. The nurse I talked to was so nice. She said she totally understood and would try everything in her power to move things along quicker and get us the machine!


  1. Holding a new born baby is bitter sweet! They are so tiny and cute and impart such a blessing. At the same time it brings back so many other feelings.

    Good for you for not trying to steal the baby...which I may have done. ;) LOL

    Have a great night!

  2. LOL I did want to steal Little Z! He is a stay at home daddy so he wouldn't care if I stole him a day here and there.

  3. Saw your blog on LFCA. Welcome to this community ... as a survivor of RPL and secondary infertility, I found this an amazing, supportive place to journey, and I hope you do, to. *hugs* to you ... and yes, it's such a bittersweet experience to hold a new baby ... here's hoping that soon you have one of your own in your arms.

  4. Thank you for the warm welcome! Yes, this community is amazing! I know that everyone wishes the best for each other, but it is really nice hearing it straight out. Thank you. :)


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