On Monday we took Purcey to the vet. He seemed to be having a difficult time eating his crunchy food and his breath started to smell a bit. To me all of this pointed to a tooth issue. He has had tooth infections before and even had a couple removed, so we figured that was it.
As soon as the vet looked in his mouth he knew it wasn't his teeth. Our dear, sweet kitty has a fast growing inoperable tumor in his mouth/jaw. The vet told us we could treat, but he didn't feel it would do any good. The treatments would be rough on him. Or vet's suggestion was to keep him as happy and comfortable as we can and bring him in if he stops eating or has trouble breathing so he doesn't suffer anymore.
I immediately burst into tears and have been on and off since Monday. Back and forth between an emotional mess and feeling completely numb.
The vet didn't give us a time frame. It could be days, weeks or even months. In the past week he has lost a lot of weight, been sleeping more, eating less and because the tumor is messing up his mouth he has basically stopped cleaning himself. He doesn't seem to be in pain, just really annoyed by this growing thing in his mouth and all the drool he has now. I have been giving him as much wet food as he will eat. I tried giving him some older cat milk like supplement, but he won't drink it. As a treat we usually give him some cold cut ham. He seems to still love that so I am giving him a slice a day. I want him to be happy and ham seems to make him happy.
He has always been spoiled, but now we let him do whatever he wants. Eat what he wants and sleep wherever he wants. We always gave him a lot of attention, but now he gets every bit of it when he is awake. We let him sleep with us now. We used to lock him out of our bedroom because he was known to throw everything off our dressers. Now every night he sleeps with his head and paws on my belly and his bottom half on my body pillow that I lay against. Since I have been pregnant, the Hubby has always told Purcey to lay on me and "keep the babies warm". He seems to be taking this job seriously now and I am loving every minute of it.
Purcey has been my baby for almost 12 years. How do you sit and watch someone you love slowly get sicker and weaker and then have to decide when it is time to say goodbye and pray he hasn't suffered? I wish I could read his mind or he could talk. Does he know what is going on? Is he in pain? Is he scared? Does he know how much we love him and are going to miss him when he is gone?
I also have this irrational fear that he is going to be mad at me. For what, I am not exactly sure. Maybe for ending his life if it comes to that. Maybe for not doing everything in our power to make him better even though it could make things worse. Maybe for something that I did or didn't do. I have no clue, but its eating me up inside.
I don't want to leave him home alone in case he needs me or takes a turn for the worse, but another part of me wants him to have his time. I have heard how some people hold on and won't pass because they have their family around them. They hold on to life and suffer because their family can't let them go. I don't want that for Purcey. If he does pass on his own I want it to be as peaceful as possible.
A couple of nights ago I had a dream that gave me a little bit of peace. The Long Island Medium (yes I watch that show) called me and told me my Dad and Poppy came to her. They said that they are waiting to welcome Purcey and that I can let go. He will not be mad at me. We have given him a wonderful life and he loves us. They also told her that they are watching over the our babies and are so happy for us. They also know the sexes of the babies, but aren't telling LOL! That last part made me laugh.
The dream brought be a little peace, but I am still having a very difficult time with this. I have never experienced someone slowly getting weaker and sicker. Everyone who has passed around me has been quick and unexpected. I have never experienced slow suffering and have never had to put a pet down.
If you would, please keep Purcey in your thoughts and prayers that he doesn't suffer and will let us know when it is time.
I'm not sure when I will feel like posting again. This is draining me. Hopefully I will soon, but for now I am catching up on all of you. I love you guys. I hope you know that. I really should tell you more often.