This morning was like any other weekday morning. The Hubby got up, showered and got ready for work while I dozed in and out of sleep. When he was ready to leave he gave me a kiss, told me he loves me and said see you later. Then, he moves onto the babies. He folded the covers down and I rolled slightly onto my back. He kissed and hugged my belly and told the babies he loves them and he would see them later.
What happened next was very different.
First, I do need to say that I sleep in the nude. I bet you really wanted to know that, but it is important to the story. Anyway, after he talked to the babies I reached for the covers again and stopped when I saw my body. I was lying somewhat between on my side and my back with my top leg slightly more bent than the other. My arm was stretched out over my thigh reaching for the blankets. My belly was resting on my body pillow.
Without any hesitation "that is really beautiful and kinda sexy" ran through my head. No second guessing or taking it back.
I stayed in that position for a minute and just stared at my body. I was smiling.
I haven't really said much about my body image on this blog. If you have seen pictures of me and read my updates you know that I am overweight. I have been all my adult life. I have tons of old stretch marks, that fanny pack of fat in my lower belly that hangs a bit and that big crease at my belly button that cuts my middle in half. Over the last couple of years I got healthy and even though I was still overweight I was comfortable with my body. I liked the way I looked.
When I finally got pregnant I wasn't worried about gaining weight. I wanted to make sure I gained enough and the babies would be healthy. Then, a couple of weeks ago every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was how I looked at my heaviest. I just looked fat. Realistically I knew that I was pregnant and even though I had belly fat, there was lots of baby under there, but it brought back how horrible I felt at my heaviest. It brought back when all the huge stretch marks showed up. I remember how big, red and sore they were for so long and I cried.
Yup, I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried to my Hubby. I was trying to get out how I felt in between sobs. "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful being pregnant, but I'm upset. I don't have a nice figure, but what I do have and worked to get back to is gonna be gone. I have big old stretch marks and they are just going to get bigger. I feel stupid and guilty that I am feeling like this. Not being able to have sex with you doesn't help either. I can't even get my sexy back that way. I love these babies, but I want my body back for me"
I felt better after I let it all out. The Hubby made sure I knew that he had now doubt that I love our babies and would do anything for them, but he can only imagine how hard it is and he understands the best he can.
Even though I felt a little better letting it all out, those thoughts came in and out of my head over the last few weeks until this morning.
Something clicked. Seeing my pregnant body sprawled out in all it's glory, I felt really beautiful and kinda sexy. I am really starting to love my pregnant body. I know some old thoughts will come back when I get bigger and the red stretch marks show up, but I think embracing my body now will keep me in a good place for the rest of the pregnancy.