Thursday, November 29, 2012

really beautiful and kinda sexy

This morning was like any other weekday morning. The Hubby got up, showered and got ready for work while I dozed in and out of sleep. When he was ready to leave he gave me a kiss, told me he loves me and said see you later. Then, he moves onto the babies. He folded the covers down and I rolled slightly onto my back. He kissed and hugged my belly and told the babies he loves them and he would see them later.

What happened next was very different.

First, I do need to say that I sleep in the nude. I bet you really wanted to know that, but it is important to the story. Anyway, after he talked to the babies I reached for the covers again and stopped when I saw my body. I was lying somewhat between on my side and my back with my top leg slightly more bent than the other. My arm was stretched out over my thigh reaching for the blankets. My belly was resting on my body pillow.

Without any hesitation "that is really beautiful and kinda sexy" ran through my head. No second guessing or taking it back.

I stayed in that position for a minute and just stared at my body. I was smiling.

I haven't really said much about my body image on this blog. If you have seen pictures of me and read my updates you know that I am overweight. I have been all my adult life. I have tons of old stretch marks, that fanny pack of fat in my lower belly that hangs a bit and that big crease at my belly button that cuts my middle in half. Over the last couple of years I got healthy and even though I was still overweight I was comfortable with my body. I liked the way I looked.

When I finally got pregnant I wasn't worried about gaining weight. I wanted to make sure I gained enough and the babies would be healthy. Then, a couple of weeks ago every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was how I looked at my heaviest. I just looked fat. Realistically I knew that I was pregnant and even though I had belly fat, there was lots of baby under there, but it brought back how horrible I felt at my heaviest. It brought back when all the huge stretch marks showed up. I remember how big, red and sore they were for so long and I cried.

Yup, I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried to my Hubby. I was trying to get out how I felt in between sobs. "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful being pregnant, but I'm upset. I don't have a nice figure, but what I do have and worked to get back to is gonna be gone. I have big old stretch marks and they are just going to get bigger. I feel stupid and guilty that I am feeling like this. Not being able to have sex with you doesn't help either. I can't even get my sexy back that way. I love these babies, but I want my body back for me"

I felt better after I let it all out. The Hubby made sure I knew that he had now doubt that I love our babies and would do anything for them, but he can only imagine how hard it is and he understands the best he can.

Even though I felt a little better letting it all out, those thoughts came in and out of my head over the last few weeks until this morning.

Something clicked. Seeing my pregnant body sprawled out in all it's glory, I felt really beautiful and kinda sexy. I am really starting to love my pregnant body. I know some old thoughts will come back when I get bigger and the red stretch marks show up, but I think embracing my body now will keep me in a good place for the rest of the pregnancy.

17 comments:

  1. Sorry I haen't checked in on you in awhile. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and glad things are going well with the pregnancy. I'm quiet, but still here thinking of you!

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  2. I also felt beautiful while pregnant. I have to say though after I had the babies I had a breakdown because I felt like my body still wasn't mine. It didn't look like mine or feel like mine, I was no longer pregnant but I still had to think about what I ate and how it affected the babies. I don't know when we get our bodies back to ourselves after having kids. But I want to try to enjoy my current body as much as I can, like how I enjoyed my pregnant shape.

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    1. This is almost exactly how I felt during pregnancy and now after. It's a strange thing, because I never really had issues with my body, but putting on quite a bit of weight (50lbs) sure changes the body, even if it is for a great cause. And breast feeding has taken most of it away in 3 months (still ~10lbs to go).
      So glad to hear you've found the beauty in yourself!

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  3. What a beautiful post! I love that you've made peace with your pregnant body ... it will love you back for that kindness! :)

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  4. Aw, that is a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing Emily.

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  5. What a great place for you to be in! I was never overweight,... until I got pregnant. I had a really hard time dealing with the fact I was no longer my dream 108lbs. Seriously, it was hard. And it STILL IS! BUT what I have found is a deeper apperciation for my body. Its not just this decorative lil thing that is suppose to bring a smile to peoples faces. Its a LIFE creating thing!! And that makes me happy. Even at the weight I am. (WAAAAAAAAAAY over 108!! TO BE SURE!)

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  6. I really enjoyed your post today. So many of us going through infertility sink into depression and have horrible body image. I think it is so wonderful that you noticed how beautiful your body was.

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  7. I've learned to love my body with age. I always try to find something I like about being me daily and it does help to get through a day. Em, you need to post a new belly picture...just put clothes on okay? LOL

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  8. You know what? You ARE beautiful, and you were beautiful before you got pregnant too. And it's hard to see your body change uncontrollably, even when you know it's for a good cause. I'm glad you were able to talk about it with your husband, and that you're having good moments like the one you described.

    By the way, I was so sorry to read about Purcey. Our own Percey sends his kitty love - hang in there.

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  9. Be beautiful and sexy!! You own it girl!
    I am flabergasted to find out you're expecting twins! For some reason, I must have missed that tid-bit of info! I know you frequent my blog and I must admit, it's been a while since I've been here. Glad you're doing so well!! ;-)

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  10. What a great moment! Thanks for sharing:)

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  11. Emily, you inspire me. http://wp.me/p2w6mF-ms
    You're awesome.

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  12. Emily, This is such an amazing post. I'm so glad you have seen your body as beautiful. Based on your 17 week pic, you're totally getting that adorable baby bump:-)

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  13. Embrace your sexiness Mama!! Duringy twin pregnancy I did my 1st seminude photoshoot. Never felt more beautiful

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    1. I have actually been thinking about that a lot. I don't know if I will do anything professional, but I definitely want to take some bare belly shots even if I am covered in red stretch marks. Maybe some black and white ones hehehe. We will see. I definitely want to have photos to remember my belly.

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  14. Wow! Why am I so shocked at the response I got from this post? You guys are amazing!

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It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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