Sunday, November 27, 2011

award, tickets and thanksgiving in florida

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving from Florida! I am still on vacation, but I wanted to check in and say a few Thank yous. I will post about our Disney trip when I get home and can post some pics with it. I will also have a little Disney giveaway so stay tuned!

First I wanted to say a huge Thank you to Hope Delayed and April @ Where Do We Go From Here? for giving me a Liebster Blog Award! When I saw this I was extremely surprised and so honored to receive it I actually started to cry! You like me, you really like me!  LOL! I'm so weird.

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The 5 Blogs below are the ones that I want to pass this award onto:
I wish I could give it to everyone.
Belle @ Scrambled Eggs
Mag @ Witty Infertility
MJ @ Waiting, Wishing, Hoping
April @ Where Do We Go From Here?
Rebecca @ Life of an Army Wife


I have to say another big Thank you to Krissi @ Stress Free Infertility. She had seen and done a review of Godspell and was doing a giveaway of 2 tickets. I WON! I can't wait to bring my mom some time around Christmas. I will let you all know how it was.


And now onto my Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was ok. The Hubby and I left Disney Thanksgiving morning and drove to my Grandparents house, Moma and Poppa. We had a wonderful visit and my families traditional meal with all the fixins. Moma wanted to make sure the Hubby could eat everything so she went out of her way to make gluten free biscuits and a pumpkin pie with gluten free Bisquick. I had told her about it in the past and we were so surprised that she got some. We spent the night and left Friday night to drive to my FIL and step MIL house.

It is absolutely beautiful here! We are in a guest room with a sliding door that goes directly out to the screened in patio and pool. I am writing this from bed while I enjoy the beautiful breeze coming from that door. So relaxing which is what I need right now.

We have had a nice visit over the past couple days. We didn't have our Thanksgiving get together till tonight. We all spent most of the day in our pjs while we let the turkey cook and got all the other things ready. It was a very relaxing day. Every time I got up to baste the turkey with that big bulb syringe thingy I couldn't help think that that will be me hopefully next month. I will be basted. At least that is what the Hubby always called an IUI, gettin turkey basted. hehehe.

When the time came for all the company to come including a couple of 2 year olds and a 1 year old I was feeling fine. I was good and I could handle spending time with them. Boy was I wrong. When my step SIL daughter Little E started running around I started to just feel like I didn't want to be around her so she did her thing I did mine and I kept my distance. Then my FIL started playing with her and I lost it. Seeing that brought up such emotions. (I will be getting into them in another post that I can't bring myself to write right now cuz its difficult) I could feel tears welling up and I quickly walked to the bathroom trying not to draw any attention to myself. I got myself as calmed down as possible and came back out. The Hubby came up to me and asked if I was ok and if I wanted to go talk. I told him I couldn't right now cuz there was all the company. While telling him that tears started to well up again and I walked away to our room. He followed me and I completely broke down in his arms. I told him how seeing his Dad with Little E killed me and he understood. He just held me for a while as I calmed down. I put myself back together and went back out there.

I stayed away from the kiddos as much as possible and did pretty well cuz I didn't break down anymore. I stuffed myself and then ended up taking a little nap leaning on the Hubby in a comfy seat while everyone watched football. We had dessert and as soon as everyone left I stole away to the bed to get away and just be alone and relax.

It probably doesn't help that AF is on her way and I can tell it is gonna be a bad one by how sore my boobs and nipple are, I have the burps, a little brown CM and my intestines don't like me right now. Sorry TMI. Normally AF comes with almost no warning. When I get like this I know it will be a bad one with lots of cramping and headaches. And even more fun, this game she likes to play could last anywhere from 1-10 days before she actually decides to show up. CD 29 and counting.

Sorry for the vent. I hope everyone is doing well. I have been thinking about all of you so much and I can't wait to tell you about our trip to Disney!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

thought vomit...wednesday?

Well it's almost Thursday so I'm not too far off from the real thing. I thought I would hop on this train this week cuz I have lots of stuff running through my brain.
This is supposed to be down farther but it won't let me put it where I want it!
  • I have been crazy busy this week! Running around trying to get phone calls, cleaning, shopping and lots of other stuff done before the Hubby and I leave for Disney TOMORROW!!!
  •  The Hubby surprised me last month with this much needed vacation. We will be gone for almost 2 weeks. After a week in Disney we will be going to my grandparents for Thanksgiving and then a couple days later to my FIL's for a second Thanksgiving and to visit lots of family we haven't seen in a long time.
  • Saturday night I went with our friend L to the tattoo shop so we could both talk to my artist about our next tattoos. On the way home we hit a deer. A big 2 point buck. We are fine, but L's car was totaled. When we hit it the hood of the car came up against the windshield. If it hadn't the buck would have been through the glass God was definitely looking out for us there. Another thing I am thankful for is that the deer died on impact. I don't think I would have been able to handle the police having to shoot it. Also some men stopped and asked if they could take the deer for it's meat. I am so glad it ended up serving a purpose.
  • I went out to lunch and some Christmas shopping with my Mom on Monday. Then she dragged me to get a mani/pedi. I never get my nails done. I beat up on my hands too much, so this was a nice treat. I  chose a pomegranate color (couldn't go too dark cuz I'm so pale) It is darker in person and sparkly! And pay no attention to my ring toes. I have always called them my "sleepy toes" cuz they "sleep" behind my middle toes.
  • I called the nurse back at the sleep center regarding the Hubby's CPAP machine. She had sent the info to the insurance company yesterday and was just waiting for their call back today around lunch. Not too long after we got the call that everything was done and we could pick up the machine tonight! That nurse was so amazing to fast track everything for us. She even wished us a happy vacation. Such a sweetie. We got it and the Hubby can't wait to use it tonight and on vacation! I will let you know how it helps.
  • I cried last night. I can't actually remember the last time I cried. I was thinking about how close we are getting to starting a clomid cycle with IUI and I started to feel defeated again. We can't get pregnant on our own even with the Hubby being on clomid the past 4 months. I know we still have a chance since we probably won't be starting till the end of December or early January, but it is just not gonna happen naturally. I have been fine for so long. Why am I getting upset now?
  • I am feeling better today. Trying to put those thoughts behind me and enjoy our vacation and the next couple months before we cycle.
  • I still have a ton of things to do tomorrow before we leave. I hope I get it all done!
  • The Hubby is just amazing. He told me we are bringing the laptop with us because he doesn't want me to be without my wonderful online support system (YOU GUYS!) He wants me to be able to blog and read if I need to.
  • I still can't believe we are actually going on vacation and to Disney!! You have no idea how much I need this. I need to get away and just be with and relax with the Hubby. I feel like a kid I am so excited!
  • I am promising myself that I am going to meet and get a pic with Ariel my favorite princess!
  • O and if I meet the fairy godmother, the blue fairy or the genie, do you think they will grant me a wish?

Saturday, November 12, 2011


First, if anyone is interested I updated my about me. I added a couple pics. I hope you enjoy them.

On Wednesday I read a post by Rachel @ Eggs In A Row. She was talking about things that were making her sad. Initiative 26, Michelle Duggar talking about being so blessed that God gave them child #20 and the thought of her sister holding a newborn baby. All those things make me feel the same way. (except for the part about her sister-insert my besties and their new babies.) Then she said something that really deeply hit home. She talked about feeling guilty about feeling sad. That was and still is my biggest hurdle. Before the emotions of infertility, I can't remember when I last felt guilt and another big one that goes with it, selfishness.

Like a lot of you that I have read about, I also grew up way too fast and took care of people who should have been taking care of me. I did it willingly and without any complaint because that is just how I was. I didn't know any other way. Until I was older I didn't realize how truly difficult my life was. Even though it was hard at times I was grateful for what and who I had and in my life and did feel very blessed. Who knew those blessings could multiply a million times over night. When I met and eventually married the Hubby I felt blessed and grateful beyond words. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for him and the life we have together.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but for the Hubby and I getting married and having children was kinda a package deal. It was what we wanted and it kinda just rolled into one. At that point we had no idea we had fertility issues. We, like most people, assumed we would just get pregnant so I kinda stupidly already felt blessed that it would be next. That just sounds so stupid when I write it. Please let me know if you understand.

So anyway, because of all the above mentioned for our wedding song we chose Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More". If you don't know the song here it is.

I am so blessed with the most amazing Hubby, supportive loving family, wonderful friends, a beautiful home and so much more. How dare I be upset! How dare I ask for more! I'm being ungrateful, selfish and greedy and then on top of all that guilty basically for having feelings. It is a daily struggle. It is a main point I am working on with my psyc. I also try to keep what my guardian angel said in my head at all times.

What is your biggest hurdle and how do you try to climb your way over it?

Monday, November 7, 2011

is this really a good idea?

While typing this I am rocking a 6 week old to sleep. Little Z.

My bestie N recently went back to work and her hubby who is a stay at home daddy wanted to come over to hang, do some laundry and fix our snow blower. He also said hanging with me helps him because he can bounce stuff off me since I basically was a nanny to 4 cousins starting ages 2, 2 month old twins and a 7 month old for a year and a half. While he is outside for a bit I am watching Little Z.

As I am holding him I cant help but ask myself if I think it is a good idea to be cuddling with him. Can I handle it? I am in heaven at the moment, but am I gonna get depressed tonight when they leave and I realize again what I am missing out on?

My answer to myself...It may not be a good idea, but I DON'T CARE!

I love him too much! I can't get enough of him! Taking care of him makes me so happy!


That was earlier today.

My friend and Little Z went home a while ago.  If this was even a month ago I would probably be in bed right now pitying myself and crying, but I am not and I am so proud of myself! I of course am thinking about what I am missing out on and how badly I want a baby, it is still upsetting. I obviously can't turn off my emotions, but it is not crippling me like it used to. I don't know how I will feel in the morning, but right now I am OK and I am taking it one day at a time. It took me a long time to get to this point.

For those of you that are going through a rough time right now I am praying so hard that you take it one day at a time, stay strong and hopefully can say that you are OK. If only for an hour today, maybe tomorrow a little longer.

PS- I called the Dr's office regarding the Hubby's sleep apnea and getting him a CPAP machine before we leave for Disney. The nurse I talked to was so nice. She said she totally understood and would try everything in her power to move things along quicker and get us the machine!

a different 2ww

Thursday night the Hubby went in for a sleep study that he had been putting off for a while. The test showed what I already knew, but I guess didn't want to be true...he has sleep apnea. The tech actually had him put the  CPAP machine on in the middle of the night because she basically got all the info she needed. They told him right there that he will need a machine, but said the Dr. will get the "official" report in 2 weeks!

2 weeks! Like I need another 2ww!! You know he needs it can't we get in now? And we are gonna be in Disney and visiting family in 2 weeks so it will end up being almost 4. The Hubby is excited about getting the machine and can't wait to see how much better he will sleep and feel better during the day. I have also heard that sleep apnea can cause sperm issues so maybe the machine will help that too.

I think I am going to call the Dr. tomorrow and see if it could be fast tracked at all. It would be nice to have the machine while on vacation so we know he gets the best sleep and feels his best while we relax and have fun.

Thanks for reading my rant. I feel a bit better now. I will let you know what happens tomorrow when I call.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

my guardian angel

Up until about a month ago the only people who knew of our situation were my mom and my 2 best friends. I was scared to tell anyone else. Worried about getting THOSE comments and questions. Worried about getting a pity party. I was just starting to deal with my self pity and didn't need anyone to add onto it. I wanted to just let it out, but I couldn't.

I was reading Navigating the Land of IF and the chapters about telling people and dealing with questions and comments gave me a bit of courage and a good starting point to just let it out. Don't get me wrong I was still scared, but that itty bitty ball of courage was slowly growing. I decided to start off small. Tell someone who is not in my big pushy family.

Does anyone else have a person in their life that you have known forever and were never really close with, but they always seemed to turn up at times when you needed someone and always know what to say? C is that person for me. She is about my mom's age and her 2 girls are a little younger than me. She says we met when I was 5. She was my Sunday school teacher for a long time. Over the years we would chat after church or by e-mail and eventually Facebook. Not a lot, but we were kinda friends. For some reason when I was thinking about who to tell she popped into my mind. I didn't know why but thought she might be a good place to start. So I emailed her and we got together at her house to chat.

Even though I was comfortable with her I was shaking. I decided to just rip off the bandaid.  I started to cry. I told her how we have been TTC for 2 years, what we have been through so far and where we are now. She sat and listened with a loving look on her face. When I was done she smiled and said "I know exactly how you feel" and what happened next blew me away. She stared to tear up and told me that she went through the same thing over 25 years ago! Her TTC journey was 6 years. She has PCOS and she finally got pregnant after almost year on Clomid. Apparently they did things a lot different back then. She had her first daughter and was surprised 9 months later with the natural pregnancy of her second.

We talked for hours and our conversations continued for days through email. This one thing she wrote to me I always keep in mind.

I used to think, "I have so many blessings in my life -- am I being ungrateful or selfish or greedy in feeling so badly, feeling it's not fair if I can't have a child?"  But I realize now, from the perspective of so many years having gone by, that it's not a "fair" way to judge a reaction.  No matter what anyone is going through, there is always someone having it worse, so that is not a good or valid comparison of reactions.  Any reaction, any emotion, you may have because of this is valid -- it is what you are going through NOW.

Days later I realized just how many times she was there for me over the years. Just little things she had said or done. Or even just a hug here and there.

That itty bitty ball of confidence grew very quickly over those few days and by the next week I had told just about every close friend and family member. I am so proud of how I handled the questions and I got nothing but amazing support and love. I had that feeling of weight being lifted.

We get together a couple times a month and still talk online. She says we are good for each other. That my company is a gift since she is dealing with her kids being far away at college.

God works in mysterious ways.
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