baby clothes in my attic and hope in my closet

At a year into TTC I was still in a pretty good place. I had read it could take people a while, even a year to get pregnant so I had hope that I would be pregnant soon. I was (and still am) unemployed so my cousin asked if I would help her with her 2 year old boy and 2 month identical twin sons. (A little back story, she got pregnant with her first on her honeymoon and the twins naturally the first time they tried for a second) I was there Monday through Friday from 7am till 6pm. I enjoyed it so much. It was almost like they were mine. I was getting paid to take care of babies and a cute 2 year old! I was in heaven!

Once the kids started growing out of stuff she wanted to get rid of it all. They were not having any more kids so she was tired of the mess. She is actually my cousin in law so she didn't grow up in our big family where everyone passed everything around. There are 14 of us Grandkids so hand me downs were a big part of our lives. She has 1 brother and no cousins so she doesn't have experience with hand-me-downs. So as she is packing all the 0-3 month clothing into a huge black bag she tells me she is going to take it to goodwill.

I told her not to give it away. She was the first of us to have kids and there will probably be others in the family soon who would have no problem taking the ton of clothing she had. She thought it would be a good idea, but refused to hold onto it in her basement or attic. She wanted it out of her house and would rather just give it to goodwill so she didn't have to store it. I knew none of my other cousins would store the stuff since they all live in little apartments and don't have the room. I have a house with a huge attic so I told her I would store it all so I did. I went through everything, separated and organized it an put it all into clear plastic bins in the attic. Every time they grew out of something she would just hand me a bag of stuff  and I would organize and store it.

As I was going through things I was getting excited that I will be next to use all this stuff. (or so I thought) I put a couple outfits aside that I absolutely loved and couldn't wait to dress my little one in.

Not too long after I did this another cousin told the family that he had gotten a friend pregnant. It was a 1 night stand. They were getting to know each other and started a relationship after they found out. She was 6 months pregnant and we were just hearing about it and meeting her. 1 night stand! Come on! So one of the times we got together I brought the bins of baby clothing and she went through them and the rest went back into the attic. That was Great Grandchild #4.

I was still hopeful, but a couple months later my cousin T announced her pregnancy. I knew she was trying and even though it took her longer (6 months) It still killed me. So she was the next one to go through the bins of baby clothing. That was Great Grandchild #5.

Then a month after that, on their first month trying, my bestie N got pregnant. She told me as soon as she found out. My family didn't mind if she used the hand-me-downs so she went through everything next and the rest went back into the attic.

In the summer my cousin V announced she was pregnant. Great Grandchild #6. So when she came to visit I brought the bins to her and she went through them. I brought the rest back home, but didn't take them out of my trunk and put them back in the attic. Around this time I had also started to watch my cousin's baby(Great Grandchild #4) a couple days a week. I was watching 4 kids.

Late summer, almost 2 years TTC, I hit my worst. I went to see a psychiatrist. I realized I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't be around babies or even their stuff. I couldn't even bring myself to take the bins out of my trunk and put them back in the attic. Partially also because I knew that someone else in my family would probably be pregnant soon and I would have to take it all out again. So I just let it all sit. I packed up the little outfits I had put aside and a couple of things I had picked up over the 2 years and put them under a bunch of stuff in my closet. Out of sight.

In October I told my cousins I couldn't watch their kids anymore. The clothing still sat in my trunk.

It is now April. My cousin K is pregnant.(Great Grandchild #7) The bins of baby clothing are still in my trunk. Well, they were still there, till just now. 9 months it all sat in my trunk. I just took it out. The bins and a couple of bags that were given to me to store during those 9 months are sitting right in front of me and I am feeling good.

The other day My cousin K and I went out to lunch. I hadn't talked to her since she told me she was pregnant 3 weeks ago. We talked about lots of things and when we got to the point where we couldn't just not talk about her little belly that was staring right at me, I started to cry. Then she amazed me. She said everything right. Not once said one of those stupid fertile things and completely validated my feelings. I felt so much better after. I came home and started thinking about the clothing in the trunk and my little bag of stuff in my closet.

It's time. Not just because my cousin K will need to go through it soon, but because I am ready to really have hope again. It's time for me to take out my little bag and look through the little things and dream. I want to hang one of the outfits on my mirror so I can see it every day. Something to push me and remind me of what we are doing all this for. Something to remind me to hope. I am going to go do that right now.