this month is for me

This was supposed to be an upbeat "this month is for me" post. I will still get there, but right now...

I'm depressed.

I'm not super depressed like I used to be. The only word I can think of right now is Blah.
Over the past couple weeks I have lost interest in the things I once loved. I have to drag my ass out of bed to get to the gym. I always feel better after and I remember how much I love it, but every time it's a battle. I am so close to finishing my current crochet project, but every time I sit down to do it I just can't.

For a while it felt easy. I could just get up and move. I was keeping up with cooking dinner. I was keeping up with stuff around the house. I was actually proactive.

I think the one thing I have lost interest in that is weighing on my mind the most is the "horizontal polka"(I love calling it that) A little before the Hubby went back to the urologist last week we both noticed his libido was a little lacking. Put that together with the low post wash count of our last IUI and we knew something was wrong. I forgot to mention that when we go to the urologist we get to see his spermies and we get the results of his SA right then and there. Like it showed with the wash count, his total count had gone down. We told Dr S about his libido and we were told it's because his testosterone has dropped a bit. Apparently the Hubby's body has gotten used to the dose of clomid. So it was increased. It seems to be working. The only thing is now I'm not interested. It upsets me.

Have I hit that point again where IF is just dragging me down or is my cousin's pregnancy announcement affecting me more than I thought? Maybe it's something else. I have no idea.

Even though I am depressed I am basically happy. I really do have high hopes for the next rounds of IUI with adding injections. I finally hit a point the other night where I felt relaxed and ok with the thought of our increased chance of twins. I am excited that I am losing weight and getting healthy. The nice weather and being able to open the windows makes me feel happy and refreshed. The Hubby and I are communicating better. And there are so many more things that I just can't think of right now.

So I am going to try and take that happiness and run with it. When we knew we were taking a break before we start our next steps I decided this would be a month for me. I started making a list of little things I can do for myself or little "goals" that I will try and keep up.

Paint my nails - I already did it once. I am going to try and keep it up. Every couple of weeks when they start looking bad I am going to repaint them. I dug out my polish and found a bunch of bright fun colors so I am going to do a new one each time.


Take a bath - When we did the bathroom we put in a large tub. I don't think it's considered a soaker tub, but it's big. We have lived in this house for 3 1/2 years and I still haven't taken a bath. That is going to change! I am going to take a bath this month and I am going to try to take one every month. I know it will be very relaxing.

Shave my legs - I have very sensitive skin so I can't shave every day like most women. I can't even shave every other day. I have found that the most I can do is every 5 days. So a lot of times I just forget. I have been pretty good over the last month of doing it once a week. I have actually been doing my whole leg! Even above my knee! It makes me feel so good so I am going to try and keep it up.

Massage - I have mentioned before that I have a membership to a spa where I get a great discount on a massage once a month. I am going to continue doing that because it really makes me feel good. I am also going to bring it home. I am going to break out the oil and give the Hubby a massage. I haven't done it in so long. Getting him relaxed and feeling good makes me happy. I am going to try and continue this once a month too.

Lingerie - Since I am almost down to my wedding weight I was thinking about my honeymoon lingerie that has been sitting in the closet unused since our wedding night. I am going to wear it! I'm gonna see what else I have in there and actually put it to use. I might even go out and get myself something new.

Grow out my hair - The other day I realized my hair is getting to the point where I would get it cut to my usual just above the shoulder. I though about it for a while and decided I am going to just let it grow. The last time I let it grow was for my wedding and then chopped it off after and donated it to Locks of Love. My family's salon is a big supporter and gives their customers a free haircut if they donate their hair. I have done it a few times in my life and decided this is a good time to do it again. I have decided to grow out my hair until I am finally pregnant and just before I am ready to give birth I will donate it. The Hubby is excited because he loves long hair.

There are other things that I am going to try and keep up with too. These were just some that were really on my mind.