Monday, April 2, 2012

this month is for me

This was supposed to be an upbeat "this month is for me" post. I will still get there, but right now...

I'm depressed.

I'm not super depressed like I used to be. The only word I can think of right now is Blah.
Over the past couple weeks I have lost interest in the things I once loved. I have to drag my ass out of bed to get to the gym. I always feel better after and I remember how much I love it, but every time it's a battle. I am so close to finishing my current crochet project, but every time I sit down to do it I just can't.

For a while it felt easy. I could just get up and move. I was keeping up with cooking dinner. I was keeping up with stuff around the house. I was actually proactive.

I think the one thing I have lost interest in that is weighing on my mind the most is the "horizontal polka"(I love calling it that) A little before the Hubby went back to the urologist last week we both noticed his libido was a little lacking. Put that together with the low post wash count of our last IUI and we knew something was wrong. I forgot to mention that when we go to the urologist we get to see his spermies and we get the results of his SA right then and there. Like it showed with the wash count, his total count had gone down. We told Dr S about his libido and we were told it's because his testosterone has dropped a bit. Apparently the Hubby's body has gotten used to the dose of clomid. So it was increased. It seems to be working. The only thing is now I'm not interested. It upsets me.

Have I hit that point again where IF is just dragging me down or is my cousin's pregnancy announcement affecting me more than I thought? Maybe it's something else. I have no idea.

Even though I am depressed I am basically happy. I really do have high hopes for the next rounds of IUI with adding injections. I finally hit a point the other night where I felt relaxed and ok with the thought of our increased chance of twins. I am excited that I am losing weight and getting healthy. The nice weather and being able to open the windows makes me feel happy and refreshed. The Hubby and I are communicating better. And there are so many more things that I just can't think of right now.

So I am going to try and take that happiness and run with it. When we knew we were taking a break before we start our next steps I decided this would be a month for me. I started making a list of little things I can do for myself or little "goals" that I will try and keep up.

Paint my nails - I already did it once. I am going to try and keep it up. Every couple of weeks when they start looking bad I am going to repaint them. I dug out my polish and found a bunch of bright fun colors so I am going to do a new one each time.


Take a bath - When we did the bathroom we put in a large tub. I don't think it's considered a soaker tub, but it's big. We have lived in this house for 3 1/2 years and I still haven't taken a bath. That is going to change! I am going to take a bath this month and I am going to try to take one every month. I know it will be very relaxing.

Shave my legs - I have very sensitive skin so I can't shave every day like most women. I can't even shave every other day. I have found that the most I can do is every 5 days. So a lot of times I just forget. I have been pretty good over the last month of doing it once a week. I have actually been doing my whole leg! Even above my knee! It makes me feel so good so I am going to try and keep it up.

Massage - I have mentioned before that I have a membership to a spa where I get a great discount on a massage once a month. I am going to continue doing that because it really makes me feel good. I am also going to bring it home. I am going to break out the oil and give the Hubby a massage. I haven't done it in so long. Getting him relaxed and feeling good makes me happy. I am going to try and continue this once a month too.

Lingerie - Since I am almost down to my wedding weight I was thinking about my honeymoon lingerie that has been sitting in the closet unused since our wedding night. I am going to wear it! I'm gonna see what else I have in there and actually put it to use. I might even go out and get myself something new.

Grow out my hair - The other day I realized my hair is getting to the point where I would get it cut to my usual just above the shoulder. I though about it for a while and decided I am going to just let it grow. The last time I let it grow was for my wedding and then chopped it off after and donated it to Locks of Love. My family's salon is a big supporter and gives their customers a free haircut if they donate their hair. I have done it a few times in my life and decided this is a good time to do it again. I have decided to grow out my hair until I am finally pregnant and just before I am ready to give birth I will donate it. The Hubby is excited because he loves long hair.

There are other things that I am going to try and keep up with too. These were just some that were really on my mind.

28 comments:

  1. I think that is a wonderful idea, a bit of pampering definitely does you good.

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  2. You know, after my 3rd round of Clomid, I was in a total funk too! I bet a big part of it has to do with the hormones still in your body. Clomid has a half-life so it lingers on even for weeks afterwards. I'm not saying it's the only reason why you're feeling this way, but it's probably not helping! I found myself having a lot more drive and energy when I switched to the injections for IVF. I hope the same happens for you!

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    1. I didn't know it could stick around that long. I hope the injections are better.

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  3. All good goals! Taking a bath and shaving always make me feel like a new person!

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    1. It's amazing how a little thing like shaving can make you feel so good.

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  4. Oh, this post sounds so much like my post yesterday, what a roller coaster this ride is! Glad you're having some success with your little oals, I think I'm going to try and come up with some of my own too for this cycle! Good luck!

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    1. Thanks. I hope you do some nice things for yourself.

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  5. Good for you! I totally know how you feel with the depression and lack of luster for life. I make myself do the things that I used to love, but sometimes it is SO HARD and I just want to bury my head and never see anyone again.

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    1. Sometimes I just don't want to get out of bed.

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  6. Sorry that you're feeling low at the moment... ttc is such a marathon and so tiring. Love all the things you're doing to pep up... thinking of you and hoping you start feeling better soon xoxo

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  7. Lady, I think we are on the same page. I am also stuck in a state of glum and trying to cheer myself up with all the same. I did my nails this weekend, I took a bath, I decided to try growing my hair out and I have been thinking about booking a massage a the local massage school literally two blocks from my house.

    Love the Horizontal Polka reference, too. Break out that lingerie and rock your new nails and shaved legs! xoxo

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    1. You should book it. I hope you cheer up too.
      Thanks! I will!

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling depressed. However, I think you have a good plan, and I hope it helps you feel better soon. FYI, I love taking very hot baths and so does a good friend of mine - in fact, she was told by her condo association that she needed to stop taking them so frequently because it was making everybody's hot water costs go up! Once you start, you can't stop, I guess?

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    1. Lol! That's crazy! Thank goodness we have a house and our water bill is usually very low.

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  9. A change of pace is always a good thing. Oh and I don't shave my legs but once a week or every two weeks because my hair is so fine and sparse on my legs. I take nightly baths because it feel ever so gooooood to my sore back.

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    1. My Mom always had almost no hair too. I must have gotten my Dad's legs lol!

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  10. I'm glad that you have plans to make yourself feel good. It reminds me that I haven't taken a bath or cared about my nails in a LONG time... Thanks for the suggestions! :)

    PS I usually don't shave much at all during the winter months because shaving and then wearing pants, plus dry winter skin, all adds up to a very unhappy camper. I will shave if I have a doctor's appointment, though.

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    1. I hope you take some time make yourself feel good too.

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  11. I'm so sorry you are down, have faith that you are not alone...we all go through it.
    I love your list ( I can't believe that you haven't taken a bath yet!!! I love them ) I'm also a non-shaver due to sensitive skin, hubs gets so excited if I do.
    Enjoy your month! like I said before YOU DESERVE IT!

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    1. Thanks! Knowing I am not alone is really comforting even though I wish none of us had to go through this.

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  12. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. I love your month for me list. I hope all of these things make your days better.

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  13. I think your list is great, you better complete every single one of those!!! Or else....well.....you deserve to be happy so just do it. :)

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  14. I hate that infertility makes us have so many up and down days. I'm so glad you're doing some self care. I think that is so important.
    xoxo

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  15. I love your list of goals, and I hope you've already started ticking things off the list for this week! Infertility is a beast that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy -- do whatever you have to do to keep your spirits up. I hope your upcoming cycle with injections is the one that works!

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  16. take care of yourself honey x

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