Tuesday, April 10, 2012

what is it like?

This is my 100th post. I really can't believe it! I decided to finally post something that has been on my mind for a very long time. I think about this all the time and these thoughts bring tears to my eyes often. (you can click on the pictures to make them larger)

My 3rd Birthday. Last picture of my Dad.
My Dad died when I was 3. I don't remember him at all except for pictures and stories my family tells me. I was his sunshine.

When I was planning my wedding was the first time I could remember really longing for what I was missing. I watched my cousins and friends get married. I saw the fathers walk their daughters down the isle. The relationships between fathers and their sons like the Hubby and his Dad. Sometimes I catch myself staring in wonder as they interact. I have only experienced it from the outside looking in.

Do you know that look you get from a puppy where they stare intently and give their head a little tilt? They sometimes let out a little curious noise or a little wine of longing. I imagine myself looking like that.

Since TTC those situations that I watch have changed slightly. I see my cousins and friends now fathers. Holding, cuddling and playing with their children. Watching this makes my heart ache. I can watch mothers and their babies so much easier. When it comes to the daddies I find myself needing to look away or I will cry.

The Hubby knows how I feel. He could tell long before I actually talked to him about it. He recently told me that is why he will not hold newborns. He knows how much it hurts to see him holing a baby. He never really holds babies, but sometimes he can't help it. They just get passed to him. He hasn't held anyone younger than 5 months though. More recently I can tell how much he enjoys it. I can see it in his eyes especially when he makes them laugh. The other night I asked him how he feels when he sees me hold a baby. He said it tugs at his heart. He knows how much I want that little one to be our own.

Is it strange that my ache to be a mother is surpassed by the longing to make the Hubby a father? Such a deep need but combined with a fear of the unknown. Not just the unknown of being a parent but more not knowing what a father child relationship is like. Never experiencing that type of relationship first hand. Wanting to see it right in front of me and actually be a part of it. The man I chose, the man I love giving our children what I never had. What is it like?

When I finally get pregnant. I know it will hurt that I can't tell my Dad. A couple of years ago I was told how he thought pregnancy was amazing. That a pregnant woman was one of the most beautiful things he has ever seen. He was in awe of it all. Little things like tug at my heart so badly. It also amazes me how much I am like him. I have always felt the same way.

When the day finally comes that I give birth and I see the Hubby holding our child for the first time I know my emotions will be high, but it will be one of the best moments of my life and I will finally begin to see what it is like.


  1. I'm really hoping that soon you'll get your chance to over come infertility.

  2. I'm so sorry you lost your dad at such young age. I lost mine about 5 years ago and it's so so painful, my husband lost his when he was 20 and he also feels the pain of all the things he missed... I hope you have your baby really soon. xoxo

  3. Wow. Sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. It looks like he loved you greatly in those pictures.

  4. It is not weird that seeing your hubby hold a baby is so difficult for you. I've seen it talked about is many times recently and I feel it myself. I can't imagine the complicated feelings you have though because of losing your father so young. I hope you get to watch your hubby experience that soon!

  5. Very lovely post Emily. Thanks so much for sharing such a personal thing with us and for sharing the beautiful pictures of you and your dad. I can't wait for the day that my husband becomes a father too... think it will be pretty magical.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.... and hope that your and your husband's time will come soon. You've been through so much and are so brave... thinking of you xoxo

  7. Congrats on your 100th post..so sorry about your father, but thank you for sharing your story!

  8. Cute pictures! I too am very saddened that my mom will never know I got pregnant and that she will be a grandmother. *big hugs* I can only imagine the happiness and joy you'll have seeing your hubby hold a little baby of your own someday.

  9. Thank you everyone. Your sweet words are very much appreciated.

  10. Thank you for sharing your story and those very special pictures (you were a cutie!):) The day you make your hubby a father will be absolutely amazing. It will make all of this worth it! Hang in there!

  11. Thank you for sharing those photos and your story. Your dad sounds like an amazing man. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My dad was killed when I was 21, so it is different obviously from your loss. Still, I experienced the same heartache when planning my wedding and am incredibly sad that he will never be a grandfather. I know he would have loved my husband and being a grandfather. It sucks that our dads can't be here.


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