First, if anyone is interested I updated my about me. I added a couple pics. I hope you enjoy them.
On Wednesday I read a post by Rachel @ Eggs In A Row. She was talking about things that were making her sad. Initiative 26, Michelle Duggar talking about being so blessed that God gave them child #20 and the thought of her sister holding a newborn baby. All those things make me feel the same way. (except for the part about her sister-insert my besties and their new babies.) Then she said something that really deeply hit home. She talked about feeling guilty about feeling sad. That was and still is my biggest hurdle. Before the emotions of infertility, I can't remember when I last felt guilt and another big one that goes with it, selfishness.
Like a lot of you that I have read about, I also grew up way too fast and took care of people who should have been taking care of me. I did it willingly and without any complaint because that is just how I was. I didn't know any other way. Until I was older I didn't realize how truly difficult my life was. Even though it was hard at times I was grateful for what and who I had and in my life and did feel very blessed. Who knew those blessings could multiply a million times over night. When I met and eventually married the Hubby I felt blessed and grateful beyond words. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank God every day for him and the life we have together.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but for the Hubby and I getting married and having children was kinda a package deal. It was what we wanted and it kinda just rolled into one. At that point we had no idea we had fertility issues. We, like most people, assumed we would just get pregnant so I kinda stupidly already felt blessed that it would be next. That just sounds so stupid when I write it. Please let me know if you understand.
So anyway, because of all the above mentioned for our wedding song we chose Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More". If you don't know the song here it is.
I am so blessed with the most amazing Hubby, supportive loving family, wonderful friends, a beautiful home and so much more. How dare I be upset! How dare I ask for more! I'm being ungrateful, selfish and greedy and then on top of all that guilty basically for having feelings. It is a daily struggle. It is a main point I am working on with my psyc. I also try to keep what my guardian angel said in my head at all times.
What is your biggest hurdle and how do you try to climb your way over it?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
is this really a good idea?
While typing this I am rocking a 6 week old to sleep. Little Z.
My bestie N recently went back to work and her hubby who is a stay at home daddy wanted to come over to hang, do some laundry and fix our snow blower. He also said hanging with me helps him because he can bounce stuff off me since I basically was a nanny to 4 cousins starting ages 2, 2 month old twins and a 7 month old for a year and a half. While he is outside for a bit I am watching Little Z.
As I am holding him I cant help but ask myself if I think it is a good idea to be cuddling with him. Can I handle it? I am in heaven at the moment, but am I gonna get depressed tonight when they leave and I realize again what I am missing out on?
My answer to myself...It may not be a good idea, but I DON'T CARE!
I love him too much! I can't get enough of him! Taking care of him makes me so happy!
********************
That was earlier today.
My friend and Little Z went home a while ago. If this was even a month ago I would probably be in bed right now pitying myself and crying, but I am not and I am so proud of myself! I of course am thinking about what I am missing out on and how badly I want a baby, it is still upsetting. I obviously can't turn off my emotions, but it is not crippling me like it used to. I don't know how I will feel in the morning, but right now I am OK and I am taking it one day at a time. It took me a long time to get to this point.
For those of you that are going through a rough time right now I am praying so hard that you take it one day at a time, stay strong and hopefully can say that you are OK. If only for an hour today, maybe tomorrow a little longer.
PS- I called the Dr's office regarding the Hubby's sleep apnea and getting him a CPAP machine before we leave for Disney. The nurse I talked to was so nice. She said she totally understood and would try everything in her power to move things along quicker and get us the machine!
a different 2ww
Thursday night the Hubby went in for a sleep study that he had been putting off for a while. The test showed what I already knew, but I guess didn't want to be true...he has sleep apnea. The tech actually had him put the CPAP machine on in the middle of the night because she basically got all the info she needed. They told him right there that he will need a machine, but said the Dr. will get the "official" report in 2 weeks!
2 weeks! Like I need another 2ww!! You know he needs it can't we get in now? And we are gonna be in Disney and visiting family in 2 weeks so it will end up being almost 4. The Hubby is excited about getting the machine and can't wait to see how much better he will sleep and feel better during the day. I have also heard that sleep apnea can cause sperm issues so maybe the machine will help that too.
I think I am going to call the Dr. tomorrow and see if it could be fast tracked at all. It would be nice to have the machine while on vacation so we know he gets the best sleep and feels his best while we relax and have fun.
Thanks for reading my rant. I feel a bit better now. I will let you know what happens tomorrow when I call.
2 weeks! Like I need another 2ww!! You know he needs it can't we get in now? And we are gonna be in Disney and visiting family in 2 weeks so it will end up being almost 4. The Hubby is excited about getting the machine and can't wait to see how much better he will sleep and feel better during the day. I have also heard that sleep apnea can cause sperm issues so maybe the machine will help that too.
I think I am going to call the Dr. tomorrow and see if it could be fast tracked at all. It would be nice to have the machine while on vacation so we know he gets the best sleep and feels his best while we relax and have fun.
Thanks for reading my rant. I feel a bit better now. I will let you know what happens tomorrow when I call.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
my guardian angel
Up until about a month ago the only people who knew of our situation were my mom and my 2 best friends. I was scared to tell anyone else. Worried about getting THOSE comments and questions. Worried about getting a pity party. I was just starting to deal with my self pity and didn't need anyone to add onto it. I wanted to just let it out, but I couldn't.
I was reading Navigating the Land of IF and the chapters about telling people and dealing with questions and comments gave me a bit of courage and a good starting point to just let it out. Don't get me wrong I was still scared, but that itty bitty ball of courage was slowly growing. I decided to start off small. Tell someone who is not in my big pushy family.
Does anyone else have a person in their life that you have known forever and were never really close with, but they always seemed to turn up at times when you needed someone and always know what to say? C is that person for me. She is about my mom's age and her 2 girls are a little younger than me. She says we met when I was 5. She was my Sunday school teacher for a long time. Over the years we would chat after church or by e-mail and eventually Facebook. Not a lot, but we were kinda friends. For some reason when I was thinking about who to tell she popped into my mind. I didn't know why but thought she might be a good place to start. So I emailed her and we got together at her house to chat.
Even though I was comfortable with her I was shaking. I decided to just rip off the bandaid. I started to cry. I told her how we have been TTC for 2 years, what we have been through so far and where we are now. She sat and listened with a loving look on her face. When I was done she smiled and said "I know exactly how you feel" and what happened next blew me away. She stared to tear up and told me that she went through the same thing over 25 years ago! Her TTC journey was 6 years. She has PCOS and she finally got pregnant after almost year on Clomid. Apparently they did things a lot different back then. She had her first daughter and was surprised 9 months later with the natural pregnancy of her second.
We talked for hours and our conversations continued for days through email. This one thing she wrote to me I always keep in mind.
We get together a couple times a month and still talk online. She says we are good for each other. That my company is a gift since she is dealing with her kids being far away at college.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was reading Navigating the Land of IF and the chapters about telling people and dealing with questions and comments gave me a bit of courage and a good starting point to just let it out. Don't get me wrong I was still scared, but that itty bitty ball of courage was slowly growing. I decided to start off small. Tell someone who is not in my big pushy family.
Does anyone else have a person in their life that you have known forever and were never really close with, but they always seemed to turn up at times when you needed someone and always know what to say? C is that person for me. She is about my mom's age and her 2 girls are a little younger than me. She says we met when I was 5. She was my Sunday school teacher for a long time. Over the years we would chat after church or by e-mail and eventually Facebook. Not a lot, but we were kinda friends. For some reason when I was thinking about who to tell she popped into my mind. I didn't know why but thought she might be a good place to start. So I emailed her and we got together at her house to chat.
Even though I was comfortable with her I was shaking. I decided to just rip off the bandaid. I started to cry. I told her how we have been TTC for 2 years, what we have been through so far and where we are now. She sat and listened with a loving look on her face. When I was done she smiled and said "I know exactly how you feel" and what happened next blew me away. She stared to tear up and told me that she went through the same thing over 25 years ago! Her TTC journey was 6 years. She has PCOS and she finally got pregnant after almost year on Clomid. Apparently they did things a lot different back then. She had her first daughter and was surprised 9 months later with the natural pregnancy of her second.
We talked for hours and our conversations continued for days through email. This one thing she wrote to me I always keep in mind.
I used to think, "I have so many blessings in my life -- am I being ungrateful or selfish or greedy in feeling so badly, feeling it's not fair if I can't have a child?" But I realize now, from the perspective of so many years having gone by, that it's not a "fair" way to judge a reaction. No matter what anyone is going through, there is always someone having it worse, so that is not a good or valid comparison of reactions. Any reaction, any emotion, you may have because of this is valid -- it is what you are going through NOW.
Days later I realized just how many times she was there for me over the years. Just little things she had said or done. Or even just a hug here and there.
That itty bitty ball of confidence grew very quickly over those few days and by the next week I had told just about every close friend and family member. I am so proud of how I handled the questions and I got nothing but amazing support and love. I had that feeling of weight being lifted.
We get together a couple times a month and still talk online. She says we are good for each other. That my company is a gift since she is dealing with her kids being far away at college.
God works in mysterious ways.
Monday, October 31, 2011
my trip and my stupid body
Phew! Just finished 6 days of posts I missed. I had major withdrawal and I am never doing that again! I gotta make sure I can read and comment on posts at least every couple days.
I Love reading all your blogs and all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Whether you are TTC, grieving a loss or celebrating or worried about a pregnancy. I think about you every day and pray you find hope, comfort and peace.
I am also so excited people are reading my blog! Thank you for your comments. It is nice knowing someone is out there thinking of me.
So onto my trip. While the Hubby was in business meetings I was visiting family. Nights everyone got together after work and it was a nice group of 9 of us. During the day it was just me, a preggo and a baby (and his mom). The mommy and baby are my best cousin T(1 of my 2 besties) and her 4 month old Little L. The preggo is V (another cousin). Little L is my Godson and I had missed him and T so much since they moved 10 hours away a couple weeks ago. We used to get together at least once a week. This visit though difficult was nothing like the last one...
A few months ago T, Little L and I took the drive down to visit T's immediate family. I was in a bad place then. Extremely jealous and angry about V's pregnancy. I was holding everything in and basically crying myself to sleep every night. She had gotten pregnant on the first try. She was 2 months at the time and this is going to be baby #6 in the family. I coulda been #2 if we had no IF issues or #4 if I didn't have a chemical. Anyway, every time we hung out during that visit all I heard out of V's mouth was complaining. How she felt sick, how she wasn't allowed to eat certain things she loved, how her back hurt and how difficult pregnancy was. She knew my situation and yet she always complained to me. One of the last nights I was there V and I were alone in the kitchen baking for Little L's baptism. I was licking the brownie batter of the spoon (only cuz I knew I wasn't pregnant) V started to complain how she loved licking the spoon and how its killing her that she can't because of the raw egg in the batter. After a week of hearing stuff like that I finally flipped. I didn't yell but burst into tears and sternly said "V do you have any idea what I would give up to be in your situation?! I would give up brownies for the rest of my life just to be pregnant like you! I would give up anything to be in your situation!" I just left her there in shock, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I apologized a few days later for flipping out a bit. She told me I shouldn't apologize and that she can't imagine what I am going through.
Back to the present...
Last weeks trip was so much better. There were times when we were all talking and the conversation changed to pregnancy or baby stuff, which it obviously does in that kind of company. I would find myself listening to a conversation I wasn't a part of or talking about stuff that made me cry and I let myself cry. There were times I was playing with Little L and he would smile and laugh at me or when he would cuddle up on my chest and fall asleep, I was happy and sad and I let myself cry.
The Hubby and other family would see me crying and ask me if I was OK and I could truthfully answer YES. I was OK. I am OK. I am allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to let it out. I am not going to miss spending time with V, T or Little L because I know I would regret it later. It may be difficult sometimes but I can do it.
My stupid body.
So for this trip I decided it would be too difficult to be tracking my cycle so we started our break this month too. During the long drive there I started to get some twinges only on my left side. I got excited cuz it was CD18, I hadn't ovulated in 4 months and when I do it's usually between CD18 and CD20. There was no way we would be able to do the horizontal polka cuz he was dropping me off with my family and heading straight to business meetings 2 hours away for a couple days. We talked it through and since we had no proof from OPK we were not going to worry about it and just enjoy our trip. We of course were thinking just our luck, but were OK. CD20 comes and I start spotting on and off to CD22. Now I am totally confused. I never spot until the day before AF and that had always been around 35 days since stopping BCP. Sunday morning, CD23 AF come full force. WTF! I am 2 weeks early! I am scared my stupid body is going back to the way it was before BCP. I used to have cycles that went anywhere from 10 days to 200 days. GRRRRRR I don't want this!
I Love reading all your blogs and all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Whether you are TTC, grieving a loss or celebrating or worried about a pregnancy. I think about you every day and pray you find hope, comfort and peace.
I am also so excited people are reading my blog! Thank you for your comments. It is nice knowing someone is out there thinking of me.
So onto my trip. While the Hubby was in business meetings I was visiting family. Nights everyone got together after work and it was a nice group of 9 of us. During the day it was just me, a preggo and a baby (and his mom). The mommy and baby are my best cousin T(1 of my 2 besties) and her 4 month old Little L. The preggo is V (another cousin). Little L is my Godson and I had missed him and T so much since they moved 10 hours away a couple weeks ago. We used to get together at least once a week. This visit though difficult was nothing like the last one...
A few months ago T, Little L and I took the drive down to visit T's immediate family. I was in a bad place then. Extremely jealous and angry about V's pregnancy. I was holding everything in and basically crying myself to sleep every night. She had gotten pregnant on the first try. She was 2 months at the time and this is going to be baby #6 in the family. I coulda been #2 if we had no IF issues or #4 if I didn't have a chemical. Anyway, every time we hung out during that visit all I heard out of V's mouth was complaining. How she felt sick, how she wasn't allowed to eat certain things she loved, how her back hurt and how difficult pregnancy was. She knew my situation and yet she always complained to me. One of the last nights I was there V and I were alone in the kitchen baking for Little L's baptism. I was licking the brownie batter of the spoon (only cuz I knew I wasn't pregnant) V started to complain how she loved licking the spoon and how its killing her that she can't because of the raw egg in the batter. After a week of hearing stuff like that I finally flipped. I didn't yell but burst into tears and sternly said "V do you have any idea what I would give up to be in your situation?! I would give up brownies for the rest of my life just to be pregnant like you! I would give up anything to be in your situation!" I just left her there in shock, went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I apologized a few days later for flipping out a bit. She told me I shouldn't apologize and that she can't imagine what I am going through.
Back to the present...
Last weeks trip was so much better. There were times when we were all talking and the conversation changed to pregnancy or baby stuff, which it obviously does in that kind of company. I would find myself listening to a conversation I wasn't a part of or talking about stuff that made me cry and I let myself cry. There were times I was playing with Little L and he would smile and laugh at me or when he would cuddle up on my chest and fall asleep, I was happy and sad and I let myself cry.
The Hubby and other family would see me crying and ask me if I was OK and I could truthfully answer YES. I was OK. I am OK. I am allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to let it out. I am not going to miss spending time with V, T or Little L because I know I would regret it later. It may be difficult sometimes but I can do it.
My stupid body.
So for this trip I decided it would be too difficult to be tracking my cycle so we started our break this month too. During the long drive there I started to get some twinges only on my left side. I got excited cuz it was CD18, I hadn't ovulated in 4 months and when I do it's usually between CD18 and CD20. There was no way we would be able to do the horizontal polka cuz he was dropping me off with my family and heading straight to business meetings 2 hours away for a couple days. We talked it through and since we had no proof from OPK we were not going to worry about it and just enjoy our trip. We of course were thinking just our luck, but were OK. CD20 comes and I start spotting on and off to CD22. Now I am totally confused. I never spot until the day before AF and that had always been around 35 days since stopping BCP. Sunday morning, CD23 AF come full force. WTF! I am 2 weeks early! I am scared my stupid body is going back to the way it was before BCP. I used to have cycles that went anywhere from 10 days to 200 days. GRRRRRR I don't want this!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
finally home
I am finally home!
The Hubby and I just got in from what was supposed to be a 10 hour drive from North Carolina yesterday. We drove for as long as we could into the snow storm, but after 12 hours- 2 of them dead stop in Pennsylvania due to multiple accidents and downed trees- we decided to get a hotel for the night and let the storm pass and the roads thaw out a bit before we drive the rest of the way. Apparently everyone else had the same idea cuz we got the last room! This morning the roads were clear and it only took us 2 hours to go the rest of the way.
We have a lot of cleanup to do. Not a lot of snow shoveling, but because most of the trees still had leaves on them the heavy wet snow piled on and pulled down lots of branches. 2 huge ones came down from some big pine trees at the side of our house. They completely flattened our bushes and just missed our grill. I am so happy nothing came down on our house or my car! I still can't believe we got this much snow in October! I was told that we haven't had this much this early since the Civil War. That is just crazy!
I will be back a little later after the clean up. I have so many of your posts to read (been having withdrawal) and gonna post about my trip.
TTYL!
The Hubby and I just got in from what was supposed to be a 10 hour drive from North Carolina yesterday. We drove for as long as we could into the snow storm, but after 12 hours- 2 of them dead stop in Pennsylvania due to multiple accidents and downed trees- we decided to get a hotel for the night and let the storm pass and the roads thaw out a bit before we drive the rest of the way. Apparently everyone else had the same idea cuz we got the last room! This morning the roads were clear and it only took us 2 hours to go the rest of the way.
We have a lot of cleanup to do. Not a lot of snow shoveling, but because most of the trees still had leaves on them the heavy wet snow piled on and pulled down lots of branches. 2 huge ones came down from some big pine trees at the side of our house. They completely flattened our bushes and just missed our grill. I am so happy nothing came down on our house or my car! I still can't believe we got this much snow in October! I was told that we haven't had this much this early since the Civil War. That is just crazy!
I will be back a little later after the clean up. I have so many of your posts to read (been having withdrawal) and gonna post about my trip.
TTYL!
Monday, October 24, 2011
taking our life off hold
A few months ago I really started working on me and getting myself out of this "funk". Going to a psychologist was a big step for me and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. One of the things I realized while talking to my psyc was my life was completely on hold. The Hubby and I had talked many times about going on vacation, but never pursued it. We wanted to visit family, never took the trip. I was always thinking about the what If's. What if it's time to start a cycle and we are going away. What if I take a road trip with my best cousin and the Hubby and I are apart when it's time to try. What if I do get pregnant and I'm too sick to enjoy myself. I feel kinda stupid saying that last one, but truthfully that was a part of my thoughts. I even stopped making little plans like lunches with friends, game nights with family and just doing fun things for myself. Stopping those things was more due to the depression, but it was all a part of my life on hold.
After sharing my revelation with the Hubby we decided to work on it together. He pushed me to have fun, connect with people again, do things that make me healthy and happy and spoil myself a bit. I started to make plans again. Lunch with old and new friends. I joined the gym again and got myself back on track. I took a road trip with my best cousin T and her new baby Little L to visit our family in North Carolina. I Love road trips! The Hubby and I planned a trip to Florida for Thanksgiving so we could visit his Dad and Step-mom. One thing I wanted to, but was hesitant to do because I don't like to spend money on myself is get a massage, I had gotten one years ago and it was amazing. The spa was having special membership deal and my Hubby kept insisting I do it. So after arguing with him about how I didn't want to spend the money he kept pushing so I finally did. I now get a massage every month! I am so blessed I have the Hubby who knows what I need more than I do and goes above and beyond to make me happy...
Last week was our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. We decided to go with the traditional gift which was leather. The Hubby of course joked that he was getting me skimpy leather lingerie and whip and I told him if he wanted to get me it go ahead ;) I got him leather bound copies of The Count of Monte Cristo and The Chronicles of Narnia, 2 of his favorite stories when he was younger. The Hubby got be a beautiful leather shoulder bag that can also turn into a backpack. As I was checking out all the room and pocket the bag had, I found a paper in the bottom. I pulled it out, read it and started balling my eyes out, happy tears. WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY!!!!! The Hubby told me he planned it months ago when we decided to go to Florida for Thanksgiving, but wanted to wait till our Anniversary to surprise me. He said he knew we needed to get away, have some fun and just be with each other, we haven't done that since our honeymoon.
We decided when we go we will take a TTC break. No BBT, OPKs or worrying about timing the horizontal polka if I actually do ovulate. We are taking our life of hold! I CAN'T WAIT!!
PS- We are leaving tomorrow morning on a 10 hour road trip! The Hubby had business in North Carolina so he decided I was coming along and we are going to visit family. I miss my best cousin T and Little L, they moved there a few weeks ago. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with all your posts while I am away. Love you all!
After sharing my revelation with the Hubby we decided to work on it together. He pushed me to have fun, connect with people again, do things that make me healthy and happy and spoil myself a bit. I started to make plans again. Lunch with old and new friends. I joined the gym again and got myself back on track. I took a road trip with my best cousin T and her new baby Little L to visit our family in North Carolina. I Love road trips! The Hubby and I planned a trip to Florida for Thanksgiving so we could visit his Dad and Step-mom. One thing I wanted to, but was hesitant to do because I don't like to spend money on myself is get a massage, I had gotten one years ago and it was amazing. The spa was having special membership deal and my Hubby kept insisting I do it. So after arguing with him about how I didn't want to spend the money he kept pushing so I finally did. I now get a massage every month! I am so blessed I have the Hubby who knows what I need more than I do and goes above and beyond to make me happy...
Last week was our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. We decided to go with the traditional gift which was leather. The Hubby of course joked that he was getting me skimpy leather lingerie and whip and I told him if he wanted to get me it go ahead ;) I got him leather bound copies of The Count of Monte Cristo and The Chronicles of Narnia, 2 of his favorite stories when he was younger. The Hubby got be a beautiful leather shoulder bag that can also turn into a backpack. As I was checking out all the room and pocket the bag had, I found a paper in the bottom. I pulled it out, read it and started balling my eyes out, happy tears. WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY!!!!! The Hubby told me he planned it months ago when we decided to go to Florida for Thanksgiving, but wanted to wait till our Anniversary to surprise me. He said he knew we needed to get away, have some fun and just be with each other, we haven't done that since our honeymoon.
We decided when we go we will take a TTC break. No BBT, OPKs or worrying about timing the horizontal polka if I actually do ovulate. We are taking our life of hold! I CAN'T WAIT!!
PS- We are leaving tomorrow morning on a 10 hour road trip! The Hubby had business in North Carolina so he decided I was coming along and we are going to visit family. I miss my best cousin T and Little L, they moved there a few weeks ago. Hopefully I will be able to keep up with all your posts while I am away. Love you all!
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