Thursday, June 14, 2012

these dreams are killing me!

In April I had my first pregnancy dream ever. I was so excited to finally be able to see myself with pregnant belly. This dream made me happy, but since then the dreams just upset me more and more.

Then, in May I dreamt about what might have been a miscarriage.

Last week I had a dream about getting a positive pregnancy test on this cycle and it really upset me. It felt like a huge tease and I couldn't get it out of my head all week. Until today.

Last night I had the most clear vivid dream yet. I just got home from the hospital and was holding our baby girl. She was beautiful. I can't remember it now, but in the dream I could see her face. She was a perfect combination of the Hubby and I. I also remember she was wearing a hot pink velour tracksuit with the hood up which I now find totally hilarious.

When I woke up I started to cry and have been bursting into tears every time I think about it today. Why do I have to have these dreams? I really don't need to be teased right now. I was in a good place till that dream. I truly felt like I was able to handle this cycle failing, but now the emotions are flowing and won't stop. I had a long ugly cry at my psyc a bit ago. It felt good to get out, but now my eyes are puffy and stinging and I have a constant knot in my throat.

Tomorrow is my beta. I feel no different from the 4 other medicated IUI cycles. It will most likely be negative and I will be holding back tears while celebrating Father's day with the Hubby's family this weekend.

12 comments:

  1. Sending good thoughts for the beta.

    The dreams feel like double salt in the wound because like the cycle, your brain as you sleep is totally outside your control. It isn't like the daytime, where there are things you can do to try to control what you think/how you feel. Hang in there.

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  2. Hoping for a positive tomorrow!

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  3. Not fair that we can't control what we dream about. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow!

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  4. Hope tonight you are able to get some sleep and that tomorrow brings some good news. I'm thinking of you.

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  5. Try and stay positive! I will be thinking of you all day!

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  6. it is so unfair. But I so greatly admire your perseverance. hang in there girl!

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  7. Hoping for some positive new tomorrow! Thinking of you sweets!

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  8. I have my fingers crossed so hard. Thinking of you x x x

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  9. I'm hoping for good news, of course, but if it's not then I have faith in your ability to focus on something good... it is the weekend, after all, which is always a reason to celebrate! Hang in there and I wish you sweet dreams every time you go to sleep.

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  10. Hoping for good news for you.

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  11. I hate those taunting dreams! A few weeks ago I dreamed I was a therapist (again), but this time the only thing any of my clients did was complain about their children... The entire session. So I had to sit there and listen to that allll day. By the time I woke up, I was in tears, obviously!
    Thinking of you tomorrow, as always... but with everything crossed!

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  12. I'm so sorry for the vivid baby dreams. I never really had baby dreams that were ones I wanted, they were always nightmares years before I was ready to be a mom and also new to this country. It's crazy what our brain does while we are sleeping to try and process our daily thoughts. *big hugs*

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