Thursday, November 29, 2012

really beautiful and kinda sexy

This morning was like any other weekday morning. The Hubby got up, showered and got ready for work while I dozed in and out of sleep. When he was ready to leave he gave me a kiss, told me he loves me and said see you later. Then, he moves onto the babies. He folded the covers down and I rolled slightly onto my back. He kissed and hugged my belly and told the babies he loves them and he would see them later.

What happened next was very different.

First, I do need to say that I sleep in the nude. I bet you really wanted to know that, but it is important to the story. Anyway, after he talked to the babies I reached for the covers again and stopped when I saw my body. I was lying somewhat between on my side and my back with my top leg slightly more bent than the other. My arm was stretched out over my thigh reaching for the blankets. My belly was resting on my body pillow.

Without any hesitation "that is really beautiful and kinda sexy" ran through my head. No second guessing or taking it back.

I stayed in that position for a minute and just stared at my body. I was smiling.

I haven't really said much about my body image on this blog. If you have seen pictures of me and read my updates you know that I am overweight. I have been all my adult life. I have tons of old stretch marks, that fanny pack of fat in my lower belly that hangs a bit and that big crease at my belly button that cuts my middle in half. Over the last couple of years I got healthy and even though I was still overweight I was comfortable with my body. I liked the way I looked.

When I finally got pregnant I wasn't worried about gaining weight. I wanted to make sure I gained enough and the babies would be healthy. Then, a couple of weeks ago every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was how I looked at my heaviest. I just looked fat. Realistically I knew that I was pregnant and even though I had belly fat, there was lots of baby under there, but it brought back how horrible I felt at my heaviest. It brought back when all the huge stretch marks showed up. I remember how big, red and sore they were for so long and I cried.

Yup, I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried to my Hubby. I was trying to get out how I felt in between sobs. "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful being pregnant, but I'm upset. I don't have a nice figure, but what I do have and worked to get back to is gonna be gone. I have big old stretch marks and they are just going to get bigger. I feel stupid and guilty that I am feeling like this. Not being able to have sex with you doesn't help either. I can't even get my sexy back that way. I love these babies, but I want my body back for me"

I felt better after I let it all out. The Hubby made sure I knew that he had now doubt that I love our babies and would do anything for them, but he can only imagine how hard it is and he understands the best he can.

Even though I felt a little better letting it all out, those thoughts came in and out of my head over the last few weeks until this morning.

Something clicked. Seeing my pregnant body sprawled out in all it's glory, I felt really beautiful and kinda sexy. I am really starting to love my pregnant body. I know some old thoughts will come back when I get bigger and the red stretch marks show up, but I think embracing my body now will keep me in a good place for the rest of the pregnancy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

updates on Purcey and my Uncle

Hi everyone!

Thank you all so much for all your thoughts and prayers for Purcey. Your comments brought me to tears and gave me the support I needed.

Sorry I have been gone for so long. I've been having a very difficult time watching Purcey slow down. There are days that he acts like his old self and it gives me false hope. The next day he usually goes back to not eating much and sleeping all day. The tumor is growing fast and his face is looking lopsided now. He doesn't like his tongue touching the tumor so it now hangs out of the left side of his mouth. He looks so cute and kinda funny with his tongue hanging out.

Since he can't really clean himself anymore his fir is getting a little matted in some areas. I have been trying to comb it out with my fingers since he doesn't like to be brushed. I also have been cleaning him a couple times a day with wipes. I hope it is making him more comfortable.

Yesterday, while the Hubby and I were eating lunch, (thank goodness he was home) we saw Purcey licking his paws and he was covered in blood! All over his face, paws and the floor. I knew it was his mouth so we cleaned him up and went to the vet. The vet said it definitely is the tumor. Apparently when a tumor grows in a cat's mouth it grows very irregular and very close to the surface so it can bleed often. When it does it should stop pretty quickly, but if it doesn't then bring him in. I have found a few bloody drool spots on the floor today. It will probably keep bleeding on and off from now on. I'm glad he doesn't seem to bother him and he isn't in pain.

I also wanted to give you an update on my Uncle. Over the past few months he has gone through rounds of chemo and responded very well. He just went back into the hospital for the last, but new treatment. He is having a bone marrow transplant. His brother is a match. From what I heard it's not a regular transplant. It sounds newer and different. Sorry I don't remember the details, but they are very positive about this working well and being the last thing he needs just to top off the treatment. He will need to stay in the hospital for a while because his immunity will be way down. We are praying he will be out before Christmas and feeling great!

Today I am 20 weeks! I am working on an update since I haven't posted one since 17 weeks. I have kinda put myself on the backburner since taking care of Purcey. I am slowly getting back to me and even more the babies.

Friday, November 16, 2012

our dear sweet Purcey is sick

On Monday we took Purcey to the vet. He seemed to be having a difficult time eating his crunchy food and his breath started to smell a bit. To me all of this pointed to a tooth issue. He has had tooth infections before and even had a couple removed, so we figured that was it.

As soon as the vet looked in his mouth he knew it wasn't his teeth. Our dear, sweet kitty has a fast growing inoperable tumor in his mouth/jaw. The vet told us we could treat, but he didn't feel it would do any good. The treatments would be rough on him. Or vet's suggestion was to keep him as happy and comfortable as we can and bring him in if he stops eating or has trouble breathing so he doesn't suffer anymore.

I immediately burst into tears and have been on and off since Monday. Back and forth between an emotional mess and feeling completely numb.

The vet didn't give us a time frame. It could be days, weeks or even months.  In the past week he has lost a lot of weight, been sleeping more, eating less and because the tumor is messing up his mouth he has basically stopped cleaning himself. He doesn't seem to be in pain, just really annoyed by this growing thing in his mouth and all the drool he has now. I have been giving him as much wet food as he will eat. I tried giving him some older cat milk like supplement, but he won't drink it. As a treat we usually give him some cold cut ham. He seems to still love that so I am giving him a slice a day. I want him to be happy and ham seems to make him happy.

He has always been spoiled, but now we let him do whatever he wants. Eat what he wants and sleep wherever he wants. We always gave him a lot of attention, but now he gets every bit of it when he is awake. We let him sleep with us now. We used to lock him out of our bedroom because he was known to throw everything off our dressers. Now every night he sleeps with his head and paws on my belly and his bottom half on my body pillow that I lay against. Since I have been pregnant, the Hubby has always told Purcey to lay on me and "keep the babies warm". He seems to be taking this job seriously now and I am loving every minute of it.

Purcey has been my baby for almost 12 years. How do you sit and watch someone you love slowly get sicker and weaker and then have to decide when it is time to say goodbye and pray he hasn't suffered? I wish I could read his mind or he could talk. Does he know what is going on? Is he in pain? Is he scared? Does he know how much we love him and are going to miss him when he is gone?

I also have this irrational fear that he is going to be mad at me. For what, I am not exactly sure. Maybe for ending his life if it comes to that. Maybe for not doing everything in our power to make him better even though it could make things worse. Maybe for something that I did or didn't do. I have no clue, but its eating me up inside.

I don't want to leave him home alone in case he needs me or takes a turn for the worse, but another part of me wants him to have his time. I have heard how some people hold on and won't pass because they have their family around them. They hold on to life and suffer because their family can't let them go. I don't want that for Purcey. If he does pass on his own I want it to be as peaceful as possible.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream that gave me a little bit of peace. The Long Island Medium (yes I watch that show) called me and told me my Dad and Poppy came to her. They said that they are waiting to welcome Purcey and that I can let go. He will not be mad at me. We have given him a wonderful life and he loves us. They also told her that they are watching over the our babies and are so happy for us. They also know the sexes of the babies, but aren't telling LOL! That last part made me laugh.

The dream brought be a little peace, but I am still having a very difficult time with this. I have never experienced someone slowly getting weaker and sicker. Everyone who has passed around me has been quick and unexpected. I have never experienced slow suffering and have never had to put a pet down.

If you would, please keep Purcey in your thoughts and prayers that he doesn't suffer and will let us know when it is time.

I'm not sure when I will feel like posting again. This is draining me. Hopefully I will soon, but for now I am catching up on all of you. I love you guys. I hope you know that. I really should tell you more often.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

PIO shots and the end of sexy time as we know it

Since my little bleeding scare a little before 14 weeks, I have been taking a 200 mg prometrium pill a day. I was only taking them while I was waiting for my once a week PIO shots to start. Dr Monty had me go through a nursing group who comes to my house to give me the shot. Unfortunately my insurance will only cover for them to come twice. I figured I would get the shots from my mail away pharmacy and the Hubby would give them to me. So many of you out there do it that way and you are doing it every day. I would only be getting it once a week. When I told Dr Monty he said he wanted me to get the injections and bring them in for him to give to me. I have no problem with him giving them to me, but I asked why he didn't want the Hubby giving it.

I believe all of you out there are doing it right and I don't want to worry anyone, but Dr Monty said that if it is given in the wrong place it can mess with your leg. Make it go numb or other things I guess if you hit a nerve. My Dr is very cautious and wants to make sure he does everything in his power to keep his patients happy, healthy and safe. I love that about him. I pray no one every has any issues with your PIO shots and I hope I didn't worry you now. You guys amaze me how you go though it every day for months.

So, I had my first PIO shot the other day. I am getting progesterone in castor oil 250 mg/ml in a 1 ml dose once a week. How does that compare with what you guys get every day? I have read from you guys lots of ways to prepare the site and positions to get the shot to make it as painless as possible. I asked the nurse about icing the area before and she said she didn't recommend it because the oil will thicken as it goes in. I asked about heat or massage after and she said I could do heat only if needed, but absolutely no massage. I figured I would lay down for the shot to keep my muscles relaxed. Instead she showed me a way to stand that moves the muscle to the correct position and makes it impossible for your muscle to tense up.

Stand behind a chair and lean on the back of it with your elbows. Keep your feet flat and turn your toes in toward each other as far as you can comfortably. Apparently this position moves your muscle to the perfect position and with your toes turned in it is impossible to tense up your butt. I tried before she gave it, you can't! I haven't experienced a shot in any other position, but when I got it I didn't feel the needle at all and only had a little bit if stinging once all the PIO was in. After the shot we sat down to go over some paperwork and by the time she left about 20 min later, the injection site looked and felt like nothing had happened. There was no lump of oil and it wasn't sore at all. I was shocked that there wasn't a bruise because I bruise very easily. The next day there was only a little blue right at the injection spot.

At my last OBGYN visit my Mom and MIL came with me since the Hubby was on a business trip. I desperately wanted to ask him if I was off of the modified bed rest and even more so if I was allowed to have sex again. Since my moms were with me, straight out asking was off the table.

At the previous visit I asked if I had all the same restrictions and without even saying it Dr Monty knew what I was asking. A big smile showed up on his face and he said "You are asking if you can have sex." I just smiled and then he turned to the Hubby and jokingly asked "Has she been chasing you around the house?" We all laughed because it basically is true even though I haven't really been chasing him around the house.

So, this time instead of actually asking, I just asked if I am still to take it easy. Dr Monty basically replied that yes I will be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy. I take that as no more sex. :( That means it will probably be about June/July before it happens again.

You all know how happy and blessed I am to have these babies inside me and I will do anything for them, but I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Not being able to make love to my Hubby is really difficult for me! I know there are many other ways to connect and be intimate, but no sex sucks!

When we were dating and before we started TTC it was care free, fun and no pressure. When we were trying, even though we tried really hard to keep it care free, there was always that elephant in the room. Always that pressure. As soon as I got pregnant it went back to the way it used to be. That amazing care free fun that we hadn't experienced in 3 years. It was really nice and now it's gone. Heck, we can't even have the pressure filled, less fun sex.

I'm not proud of it, but I actually broke down into tears the other day about it all. The Hubby and I have a wonderful, beautiful relationship, but not being able to connect with him on that level right now is really difficult.  Right now, when I keep feeling our love get so much deeper and I have all these amazing new feelings toward him. It is upsetting.

The Hubby feels so bad about how difficult it is for us. A little more for me than him since I take good care of him. He is trying so hard to be extra caring and tender toward me. Doing what he can to help us feel more connected and reminding me how this is not forever and who we are doing all this for.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I am doing the best thing for Roo and Squirt. Being careful and helping to keep them safe and in there as long as possible so they can grow big and strong and come home with us.

Friday, November 9, 2012

crochet show & tell: baby blanket #5

In all the craziness of the past few months I forgot to post about the blanket I made for my cousin K. I wrote about being at her baby shower and how I followed the cool pattern of being pregnant at a shower.

Without further ado, here is the blanket.

K didn't find out the sex of her baby so this was the first "neutral" blanket I have made. Thank goodness she had a plan for the baby's room. She went with primary colors. They painted the walls yellow, red curtains with white polka dots and touches of blue in the rocking chair and bedding.

I first chose red, yellow and blue with the white, but then I felt it needed something else so I added green. I did a classic crochet ripple then added a thin raised strip of color in between every 3 rows to create the thin ripples. I did a thin edging with white. Truthfully, while I was making it I wasn't really excited about the colors, but when I finally added the thin ripples it came together. K and her Hubby loved it so that is all that matters.

K had a beautiful little girl. I will be calling her Little S on the blog. This is the first girl. Great grandchildren 1-6 have all been boys! K finally broke the streak with #7. Everyone was so excited. Especially our Momma and Poppa. They have been not so patiently waiting for a girl.

Now that everyone's itch has finally been scratched with Little S, everyone's need for girls has gone through the roof! Everyone in my family is convinced that I will be having 2 girls to bring up the numbers LOL!

So, now I have to get down to it and figure out the next 2 blankets I will be making for my own babies and then one for my cousin D who is due a month after me.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

16-17 weeks

Because of Sandy I never did a 16 week update so I will combine the past 2 weeks. I also finally put up the most recent ultrasound pics from week 16 and a new bump pic on the Squirt and Roo page since my belly finally looks different. I only popped this past week.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 16-17 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 207! I gained almost 4 pounds in 2 weeks and I am finally above my pre pregnancy weight. I guess these past 2 weeks of sitting around doing nothing actually made me gain weight. I did pop within the last 2 weeks so it looks like all the weight is in my belly.

What's going on with the babies?: I saw Dr Monty at almost 16 weeks. He did an U/s and we saw our beautiful babies again. Their heart rates were good and even though we didn't get measurements, we could see they had grown. They were sitting facing each other. Dr Monty was laughing because they were horsing around in there kicking and punching each other a lot! I hope they get it out of their systems while in there or we are gonna have our hands full with kids beating each other up LOL! I was really surprised at how high they are now. Roo was actually sitting right behind my belly button! He/she was actually being a little stinker hiding in just the right position that there was a shadow from my belly button right over the heart. Roo finally moved so we could get a good shot of the heart, but not till after playing around with us. We got a really cool face pic. Roo was looking right at us and you can see a little skeleton face. It is really cute.

What's going on with my body?: Week 16 was pretty much business as usual, but this past week I had horrible heartburn. It was mainly while we had no power from Sandy and we were eating things that I didn't eat often. Once I got back to my usual diet the heartburn wen away for the most part. Also this week my gums started to bleed a bit when I brush.

What does the belly look like?: I finally popped this week! I still have a crease at my belly button, but it is getting more shallow. I seemed to have popped more above my belly button and I actually look round now! I finally put a new belly pic up since it finally looks different.

Maternity clothes: I have to wear maternity pants all the time, but I can still wear all my t shirts since they were bigger even before I was pregnant. My bestie looked through her maternity clothes and gave me a fitted t shirt that would fit me. I haven't tried it on yet, but it should fit. I might wear it for Thanksgiving if I don't feel like going shopping for a maternity top.

Movement: Every few days I feel a little push from inside like a head, hand or foot is stretching out. It's still light, but definitely pushing. I am not so patiently waiting for more movement!

Sleep: I have been sleeping great! Still love my snoogle pillow!

Cravings/aversions: My aversion to sweets is almost completely gone! YAY!!! I had a cupcake and a piece of pumpkin pie this past week! No real cravings, just enjoying everything I eat!

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out! I decided to add a poll to the side so everyone can guess who we have in there. I always found guessing fun!

Names: We have a good list going and I am having a blast looking up names for our children! We won't be naming them till we see them so we will be keeping the names a secret.

What I miss: I miss sex. I hope I can go off this bed rest soon.

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to the U/s at Dr Monty on Thursday and at the perinatologist on Saturday. I can't wait to see Squirt and Roo again!

Mood and emotions: I was pretty anxious and worried last week especially while Sandy was coming through. I knew we were safe and would be fine, but being pregnant makes me get a little irrational in situations like that. The over protective feeling you get for your babies is crazy. I'm a little worried and upset today too. They Hubby left yesterday on a business trip. This is the first time he is away while I'm pregnant and I am not liking being so far from him.

Milestones: My belly popped!

Medical concerns: Nothing right now.

Sex?: Nope. I'm still on modified bed rest and it's really starting to get to me. It's been over a month! Every time the Hubby kisses me I get weak in the knees! I hope the restriction is lifted soon, but if it isn't I will get used to it. I will do anything for these babies or not do for that matter.

Best moment of the week: All the comments I got when I wore my maternity skeleton t shirt. I put a pic up on the Roo and Squirt page.

Hows Daddy?: Daddy as really connected with the babies since I popped. He puts his hands on my belly all the time now, kisses it and talks to them more often. He has been really attentive and worried about me when Sandy came through and the week we had no power. Now that we have the snow storm coming through he really hates that he is away from me. Daddy is pretty upset he has to miss the U/s at Dr Monty tomorrow. This is the first Dr visit he will miss, he has been to every one. Thank goodness he will be back for the big U/s on Saturday at the perinatologist.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): This time I am going to tell you about a funny preggo brain thing that involved him. The other day while the Hubby was putting on his socks he called me into the room. He held up the pair and said "I don't think this is going to work". In one hand was his big tube sock, in the other was one of my little ankle socks! I had matched them together! I couldn't stop laughing! Talk about a total brain fart!

Nursery: I have been thinking about ideas for the nursery and I don't think I am going to do a theme. We will have lots of different furniture and decor coming it from when we were kids so it will be pretty eclectic. I love teddy bears so I may bring some of that decor in with mobiles and sheets. We will see. I will have to see what is out there and what I like.

Monday, November 5, 2012

a belated happy halloween!

Hi everyone! I'm back. We were lucky and got our power back on Saturday. There are still a lot of homes around my area without power and even more people all over the east coast who have suffered some devastating losses. We were extremely blessed that everyone in my family and friends are safe and even if they still don't have power, they can stay with people who do.

Halloween was postponed in my area due to Sandy. Halloween night the Hubby and I welcomed my bestie, her hubby and their 1 year old Little Z to stay at our house. Even though we had no power, we still had hot water, a fireplace for heat and a gas stove to cook. Our friends apartment temp dropped drastically without heat and then their water was shut off with no idea when it would come back. They stayed with us a few nights and then my MIL stayed with us a a couple nights.

On Friday the Hubby and I went to a big jack o lantern blaze. A walk through path surrounded by more than 5,000 individually carved glowing jack o lanterns. It was beautiful! Lots of them were stacked on top of each other to create archways, dinosaurs, ghosts, witches, and many other things. I didn't bring a camera so I could just walk through with the Hubby and enjoy. We did, but I had to take one picture with my phone. I love giraffes!

Tonight was my town's Halloween. A bunch of streets are still without power and they didn't want kids on the dark streets, so they did what they call "trunk or treat". Everyone handing out candy parks their car in the school parking lot, pops their trunk, decorates for Halloween and all the kids go from trunk to trunk trick or treating! It was great! They did the same thing last year due to the October snow storm, but I didn't know about it.

I love Halloween! Decorating, dressing up and handing out candy. Even when I was still in the trenches I loved to see all the little kids in their costumes and dream of when I could share all the fun Halloween stuff I loved as a kid with my own kids. I can't wait till next year!

Happy Halloween everyone!!!
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