back from a break

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on taking a break from blogging, it just happened. Sorry if this post seems a bit all over the place.

Sunday night I started feeling a little on edge. Like something was coming and it didn't feel good. I usually get this feeling for two different things. 1) a pregnancy announcement or 2) a death. Sunday night I also started having very long very real feeling dreams.

Monday the feeling got worse and I just tried to push it aside and tell myself I was anxious for the interview I had on Tuesday morning. The dreams continued.

Tuesday morning I went to the interview and it went great. I really think they like me. Hopefully I will get a call on Monday for a second interview. I felt so relieved that the interview was smooth and that weight was lifted, but I still felt on edge. I found out that night why.

I got a call from one of my best Cousins K. She is one of the two who know just about everything I am going through and she was there when I had my meltdown about pharmacy stuff while I was away at V's baby shower. As soon as I saw her name on my phone my heart sank. I just knew this was it. I answered and could tell I was right by the tone of her voice. She was scared to tell me. She is pregnant. I told her Congratulations and started to cry. I apologized for crying and not freaking out excited for her. She said she understood. We talked a bit more and I asked her when she was due. October. I got upset more. I know I shouldn't be picky, but I really wanted to have a baby in October! We talked some more and then hung up.

I got up and went into the other room by the Hubby. He saw I was crying, got worried and asked what was wrong. I told him K was pregnant and then proceeded to have a huge ugly hissy fit. "It's no F*#!@&g fair!" I am happy for her, but it is not fair! This will be Great Grandchild #7. If we didn't have to deal with IF we could have been #2! All I keep thinking about is how she kept saying how they didn't want kids. I know it was a lie because K always wanted kids before she got married. Just every conversation about kids after they said no. My psyc thinks maybe deep down I wanted to believer her. I wanted to believe I would have one less person to worry about, but instead I now feel like I was blindsided. The dreams continued.

Wednesday we had our meeting with Dr. G to see what our next steps are if this cycle doesn't work. I was so sure she would tell us that we would be moving onto IVF. She told us because of my age, even though the waiting has seemed like forever, if we can handle it she would like to keep trying IUI. She believes it will work. She said if my beta comes back negative we will take a month off and get me prepared for an IUI cycle with injectible FSH. I have to go to a class to learn how to do the injections. It is mandatory even though I told them I am certified to draw up and give shots.

The Hubby and I talked it over and decided to try this. We would like to keep costs down and we will get our finances in order while we try a few of these in case we will need to move onto IVF.

I have had those long, crazy, real feeling dreams every night since Sunday and it is tiring. I feel like I am not sleeping. I don't feel rested. My brain just keeps working 24/7 with no break. I miss dreamless sleep. I hate progesterone. I just found out yesterday from someone's blog that progesterone can cause that.