Friday, March 16, 2012

back from a break

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on taking a break from blogging, it just happened. Sorry if this post seems a bit all over the place.

Sunday night I started feeling a little on edge. Like something was coming and it didn't feel good. I usually get this feeling for two different things. 1) a pregnancy announcement or 2) a death. Sunday night I also started having very long very real feeling dreams.

Monday the feeling got worse and I just tried to push it aside and tell myself I was anxious for the interview I had on Tuesday morning. The dreams continued.

Tuesday morning I went to the interview and it went great. I really think they like me. Hopefully I will get a call on Monday for a second interview. I felt so relieved that the interview was smooth and that weight was lifted, but I still felt on edge. I found out that night why.

I got a call from one of my best Cousins K. She is one of the two who know just about everything I am going through and she was there when I had my meltdown about pharmacy stuff while I was away at V's baby shower. As soon as I saw her name on my phone my heart sank. I just knew this was it. I answered and could tell I was right by the tone of her voice. She was scared to tell me. She is pregnant. I told her Congratulations and started to cry. I apologized for crying and not freaking out excited for her. She said she understood. We talked a bit more and I asked her when she was due. October. I got upset more. I know I shouldn't be picky, but I really wanted to have a baby in October! We talked some more and then hung up.

I got up and went into the other room by the Hubby. He saw I was crying, got worried and asked what was wrong. I told him K was pregnant and then proceeded to have a huge ugly hissy fit. "It's no F*#!@&g fair!" I am happy for her, but it is not fair! This will be Great Grandchild #7. If we didn't have to deal with IF we could have been #2! All I keep thinking about is how she kept saying how they didn't want kids. I know it was a lie because K always wanted kids before she got married. Just every conversation about kids after they said no. My psyc thinks maybe deep down I wanted to believer her. I wanted to believe I would have one less person to worry about, but instead I now feel like I was blindsided. The dreams continued.

Wednesday we had our meeting with Dr. G to see what our next steps are if this cycle doesn't work. I was so sure she would tell us that we would be moving onto IVF. She told us because of my age, even though the waiting has seemed like forever, if we can handle it she would like to keep trying IUI. She believes it will work. She said if my beta comes back negative we will take a month off and get me prepared for an IUI cycle with injectible FSH. I have to go to a class to learn how to do the injections. It is mandatory even though I told them I am certified to draw up and give shots.

The Hubby and I talked it over and decided to try this. We would like to keep costs down and we will get our finances in order while we try a few of these in case we will need to move onto IVF.

I have had those long, crazy, real feeling dreams every night since Sunday and it is tiring. I feel like I am not sleeping. I don't feel rested. My brain just keeps working 24/7 with no break. I miss dreamless sleep. I hate progesterone. I just found out yesterday from someone's blog that progesterone can cause that.

17 comments:

  1. Yup progesterone does suck. I just started back on it today.

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  2. Being pregnant always made/makes me have long, crazy and real-like dreams all night long. It was usually one of my first symptoms. Maybe this is a good sign! Still holding out hope this cycle worked for you! Crossing my fingers!

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    1. I can't remember if I got dreams like this in the past 2 cycles with progesterone.

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  3. I just wrote about sleep, too. I miss it as well. I hope you get some good rest soon. I'm thinking about you xoxo

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  4. So sorry you're having a rough time. Hang in there! Your time will come

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  5. Oh friend! Those pregnancy announcements just send us reeling! I'm so sorry that its happened for her before you, I wish I had a majic wand to make all of this go away.

    Still hoping for this cycle!!

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  6. Ah, Emily my heart sank when I read this post. So, incredibly difficult. I had been secretly hoping for an October baby too. I totally know what you mean about dreamless sleep. I feel like I'm awake watching movies all the time - like up all night. I've always had this issue so I don't think I can link it to clomid or hormones. Sure does suck though! Here's to hoping that you have a nice weekend.

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    1. Thanks I am having a nice weekend.

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  7. I am so glad you feel the interview went well hun. I hope you get the second one confirmed. I am so very sorry you have had a punch in the guts. I had a very similar reaction to that when I found out one of my best friends got pregnant the month after we started trying. She will have her SECOND baby just after we would have had ours had we caught right away and when she does I will be no further along, as we wont even have begun treatment. Massive massive hugs my dear. Glad you are back though, missed you.

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  8. I've still got everything crossed for this cycle. The dreams and the emotions that progesterone can give you are pretty wacky. I'm with Denise, I hope that it is a good sign.

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  9. I get those same feelings when it comes to bad news or pregnancy announcements. I've had that feeling for weeks, even with the weird dreams, waiting for someone close to me to announce their pregnancy or something happen to my grandparents.

    I sobbed to my husband the other day when I found out that the kid I used to babysit just announced her pregnancy. I try to find the rhyme or reason behind it but I can't. The girl just entered a new relationship, she is still living at home and is in no way ready for a child and she can get pregnant, yet we are a week and a half away from our 3 year TTC anniversary. *hugs* and love to you. My fingers are crossed for you that the next cycle finally brings you that BFP. But if it doesn't, were here to help you get through it. :)

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  10. :( I am so sorry. I completely understand how you feel. A co-worker of mine at work is out on maternity leave, for her SECOND...and the thing is, she was pregnant with her FIRST AFTER we started trying for OUR first! I mean REALLY???!!!!!!!
    sigh. anyways - I feel your frustration. :) it WILL happen. that's all I will say is it WILL happen. :)
    Hope you feel better and good luck on the next IUI!

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  11. Oh yeah, progesterone is a total biyatch when it comes to vivid dreams. It can get really freaky.
    Do something nice for yourself this week, ok?
    much much love!

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  12. I love you guys! Thanks everyone. It is so nice knowing I'm not alone in all these feelings.

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  13. Totally understand where you are coming from. Pregnancy announcements from those close to us must be the hardest thing to bear in this whole process. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk it through? I am going to see one this week myself to try and help me sort out all these feelings - we've had quie a few announcements and births happen since our failed IVF and I hadn't realised it had affected me so much. That or a lovely weekend away just the two of you might really help! :-) Hang in there.

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    1. Yea I see a counselor every week. I actually have since September. She helps a lot. I actually handled the news a lot better than I used to. I had my little hissy fit, felt better, talked to my counselor and that was basically it. I took my time to be upset and worked through it. I would love to go away for a weekend. I might go with the Hubby on his next business trip. Just a change of scenery always helps. Thanks.

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  14. Congrats on the successful interview. Fingers crossed for lots of good news to come. So sorry you got delivered that blow from your cousin... its so hard to hear those announcements from loved ones, especially, because you know it's just one more pregnancy and baby that you will be experiencing vicariously, not personally. But your time will come and it will be that much sweeter for all of this waiting. Hugs!

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It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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