I'm scared of having a girl.
The first thing that comes to mind when I think about having a daughter is we will have the same horrible relationship that my Mom and I have. That thought is so stupid to me, but still scares me. My Mom and I are so different. I am not like her. I made sure of it. All the things I hate about her personality and how she handles things I made sure I did not follow in her footsteps. If I caught myself doing something that she would do I stopped, thought about it and changed my ways right then and there and never did it again.
I have done so much to not be like her so why and I still so scared?
My therapist has told me there are a lot of people with the same fear and how having a daughter can be amazing because of the fear. She says raising a daughter the way I want to and giving her all the things I didn't get in my own relationship with my mother can be healing. Healing through raising your children. That sounds amazing to me.
I am also a little nervous about experiencing the father daughter
relationship between my Hubby and a daughter. Other than pictures I have
seen, I have not experienced that.
I would love to see it first hand, be a part of it and I will be so happy to give my
daughter another thing I didn't have, but I know sometimes it might be
upsetting seeing what I missed out on. I wonder if that would be another
healing experience through our children?
I was talking to my cousin T last night and I told her about my fear. She reminded me that God does not give us anything we can't handle. I often repeated that through the years of IF. Now I find myself repeating it today. If He gives me 1 or 2 girls it's for a reason and I can do it even if I am scared. If I do have a girl maybe He is giving me that chance to heal because I need it.
I guess we will see. I am still scared, but hopefully I wont' be as much by the time Roo and Squirt get here.
Any Moms out there experience this? Healing through your children?
That was the biggest fear for me when I had my daughter. My situation was a little different, I never had my mother in my life. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was suppose to be a good mom, but I never had anyone show me how to do it. It happened though and I have raised an amazing 15 year old daughter.
ReplyDeleteI think you are so brave to be facing your fears. I also think that you realizing that you don't want to be like your mom means you won't be like her because you know how she is. Even if you didn't have a good mom, you know what a good mom is or what a good mom is to you, so I think you'll strive to be that person. The relationship between dads and daughters is so special; I think while it may be hard for you to see at least at first, I think it would bring you a beautiful sense of peace to see that as well.
ReplyDeleteThat's why we carry babies for 9 months--to try and figure out what to do when they get here! :)
Oh but little girls are so fun! Watching my daughter in an exhausted sleep on my husbands chest just melts my heart! But you'll be a great mommy no matter what! Maybe it'll even be one of each! Though I do know how you feel as I was very scared of the idea of having a boy (medical condition that runs in family) but one way or another, I think you will be so insanely happy that your fears will diminish! :)
ReplyDeleteThinking I don't have anything productive to say but assvice dear. I've not been in your position before when it comes to a pregnancy this far along. I did have a bad relationship with my parents and my sibling so yes I do have a fear of a repeat. But I think that knowing is the first part of preventing. You'll do fine. And if you mess up from time to time, well that is all part of being a parent.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think about having a boy, I get freaked out about x, y, and z. When I think about Cozy being a little girl, I get equally freaked out about three or four other things. But I have a sneaking suspicion that whatever fears I have about either gender will work themselves out and be far eclipsed by the joys of parenting in either case. We have waited a long time to get here, and we're gonna be awesome moms... no matter what we end up being blessed with. :) Life experiences (the good and the bad) make us that much more prepared to handle what is to come. Your child is lucky to have you as a mommy!
ReplyDeleteI was also freaked out about having a girl, but for different reasons. It took me a little while after we found out that she was a girl to really accept it and embrace it. You will be a great mom because you are very aware of how you impact these children. I think once you find out if one or both are girls you will be more comfortable with it.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard situation to be in. Based on reading your blog, you seem like you will be an amazing mother, whether to boys, girls or one of each.
ReplyDeleteI was terrified to have a girl, too, for the same reasons. But honestly? Because you're so aware, you're unlikely to repeat history ... in fact, you'll do everything in your power NOT to repeat it. And like everything else, you do it one day at a time. Some days it's not perfect. But other days, you do better. And some days, you are downright awesome. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou'll be a great mom, no matter what miracles arrive on your Labor Day!
Sounds like you are already very aware of the shortcomings in your relationship with your mother so I can't imagine that you would be anything less than a wonderful mother to a girl...or two girls! But your fears are completely normal, IMO. I went through the same thing after I divorced my first husband. I was afraid to get married again for fear of the same thing happening again. But I eventually came to realize that my wonderful hubby who I'm married to today is nothing like my not-so-wonderful ex. And all my fears are gone.
ReplyDeletei had the same fear. My mom and i don't have a BAD relationship per se, but she annoys the crap out of me and we did NOT live together well. Guess what - I got two boys! lol.
ReplyDeleteYou bet! My fear was that "Having a child means the family falls apart" because of my own childhood. Now my own daughter is 5 months old and my mother moved to the area to be close to her/us. The opposite of my fear happened! It reminds me of the importance of being present, in the moment, rather than focusing on what might be or what happened in the past.
ReplyDeleteI know you'll be nervous no matter what, but just think about how all the things you worry about now will have nothing to do with all the new things you'll worry about when you have these babies! Sorry, that's not encouraging...but I'm willing to bet that in a year when you think about your top concerns now, most of them won't even make the list anymore.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my mother has actually gotten better since we've had Abby. I know it has a lot to do with her illness as well, but it's a welcome change. The father/daughter relationship? It's amazing to see this side of Ian that I never would have without Abby. It's awesome to see them together, and I feel good that she does have something that I didn't have, without the sadness that I didn't have it.
I could have written this post! Both the fear of recreating the relationship I had with my mom and the watching A have a father/daughter relationship I never got to have with my dad. I actually saved this post in my reader so I could come back and comment when I had more time before we found out for certain that the little one I'm growing is indeed a girl. Ha! I definitely have mixed emotions about it but for the most part I'm just really excited to have a daughter. I know myself well enough to know that I will never be the mother my mom was to me. Heck, I know that I'm already not the mother my mom was based on what I know about how she was when she was pregnant with me.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to be a great mom regardless of what variety babies Squirt and Roo are. That said, I hope at least one is a daughter, because I do agree that raising a daughter will be healing for both of us. <3
Thank you everyone! It is great to feel that I am not alone in these feelings. Thank you for the reassurance that I can change things and will be a great Mom.
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