Sunday, February 19, 2012

i'm so stupid

So, tomorrow is my beta. The nerves just hit me now and I am not looking forward to what comes with it. I won't be able to eat because my stomach is flip flopping and it makes me feel sick. I will also be running to the bathroom too often because being nervous does a number on my intestines. Not fun.

I haven't been posting much because I feel so stupid. I really think I am pr...I can't say it. Or at least I thought I was. I know I have no proof yet that I am wrong, but I'm probably not so I'm an idiot for falling for it. I still haven't googled anything or POAS. I haven't fallen for it in over a year. I have been hopeful  and thought hey I might be, but the thought doesn't last long. This time I sat there and burst into tears and said in my head "I am". Why the fuck did I do that to myself?!

That was Friday, but I had been thinking about it since Wednesday. I fell for it. I gave in to the "symptoms" and I hate myself for it! I do still have those "symptoms", but they never mean anything. I can think back all I want and say I don't think I have felt like this before or for this long or whatever, but I probably have. I beat myself up over it last night and broke down. Major ugly crying to my Hubby "Why does it have to be such a tease?" He was just quiet and held me.

I really hate myself right now.



Don't forget to enter my Date Night In Giveaway!! The winner will be picked on Tuesday!

12 comments:

  1. OMG I am so excited for you! Making it to beta day is always a good sign!!!

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  2. I'm crossing my fingers and toes for you!!!!!!!

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  3. You are my hero for having the strength to not POAS. Good luck tomorrow. Crossing my fingers for you!!!

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  4. Good luck tomorrow! Fingers are crossed!

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  5. Aww honey, hang in there!! Good luck!!

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  6. Well done for being so strong.... saying lots of prayers for you!

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  7. oh you are so much stronger than I!!! I have POAS'd when I KNEW I wasn't pregnant yet did so anyways! lol.

    Good luck girl! I am praying for you!!!!!

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  8. Be gentle to yourself ... this is a hard place to be. I'm glad your husband just held you when you needed that comfort.

    Breathe, friend ... we'll all be here, waiting with you.

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  9. Good luck today! Crossing fingers and toes for you! I was in a similar place last week when I dared to hope but was disappointed on Saturday with AF showing up. I so hope that you will have a wonderful day today with awesome news and that you will be singing and dancing all day :-) Hoping hurts but it's also good that you still can hope! Never loose that. Everything will work out in the end

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  10. Thinking of you. It's such a fine line between hope and reality. ((hugs))

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  11. I can't wait! Are you going to make us wait again? :)

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