I feel like I have been a bad blogger. I just don't know what to write. I have a few things partially written, but I just can't finish them right now because they are upsetting me too much. I am trying to keep up with you guys because I enjoy reading and commenting and you keep my mind off myself. I have been just trying to get through each day and I was doing fine till yesterday.
Yesterday a bunch of stupid little things happened and it got me to the point where I had a mini meltdown.
The day started off with my blood test for progesterone. Right after my IUI the Dr told me to come back Wednesday for my blood test, so I did. When I got there I was told I was a day early. I told them I would come back the next day, but I was told to wait while they talk to the nurse. A half hour later I was called in and got my blood test.
When the nurse called me she said "Ya know, you came in a day early and the test is not accurate, but take the progesterone because it won't hurt" I told her how I was told by the Dr to come in that day and I told them I would come back if they wanted me to and they just took it anyway. I figured I would be taking it anyway since I had to last time. I got a little upset when she sounded like she was reprimanding me for coming in too early. Maybe she was having a bad day cuz her tone wasn't very nice.
The Hubby texted me to tell me he just found out he has to go on a business trip next week. He leaves on Valentines day. I hate when he goes away! I got upset.
Then, I had a big glass of soda and I was enjoying it a ton. I knocked it all over the floor and I didn't have any more. I was so pissed. It was stupid, but I got upset.
The final thing that put me over the edge was our fake Christmas tree. Don't judge me. Our tree was still up, naked. I have been too lazy to take it down. So I started to take it apart and was struggling with it. The branches just didn't want to fold up. I tried tying twine around each layer, it kept breaking. Tried squishing it and just wrapping it with the bubble wrap it came with, it just wouldn't fit in the box. The branches were scratching my arms and I was all itchy and red. After 45 minutes of this I had a little hissy fit and started balling my eyes out!
First I was just crying about the stupid tree and then every emotion I was feeling about this IUI came out. I am so scared of this not working! I am scared of being disappointed again. I am so tired of my body failing. The Hubby yells at me when I say that because I am not failing. Both our bodies have issues that are contributing. I still feel like my body is failing because it is happening inside me.
All the babies around me are having big moments. Rolling over, crawling, walking and saying first words and the pictures and texts I get are just killing me. Just more reminders of what I am missing out on.
My psyc says I am putting too much pressure on myself. She says I need to put getting pregnant this month out of my mind. Just say it's not going to happen now, but I will be pregnant in the next 6 months. Make the plan not as specific. Keep reminding myself that we are working on it. We are actually doing something. I don't know how to do that. I feel like the only thing that is getting me through this is the hope that this is going to work. I don't know how to find a happy medium. I am so lost.
DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY CHOCOLATE GIVEAWAY!!!! MAKE SURE YOU CLICK THE GREEN ENTER BUTTONS FOR EACH ACTION YOU TAKE!!!! A FEW OF YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION, BUT DIDN'T ENTER ON THE RAFFLECOPTER ENTRY FORM!