I feel like I have been a bad blogger. I just don't know what to write. I have a few things partially written, but I just can't finish them right now because they are upsetting me too much. I am trying to keep up with you guys because I enjoy reading and commenting and you keep my mind off myself. I have been just trying to get through each day and I was doing fine till yesterday.
Yesterday a bunch of stupid little things happened and it got me to the point where I had a mini meltdown.
The day started off with my blood test for progesterone. Right after my IUI the Dr told me to come back Wednesday for my blood test, so I did. When I got there I was told I was a day early. I told them I would come back the next day, but I was told to wait while they talk to the nurse. A half hour later I was called in and got my blood test.
When the nurse called me she said "Ya know, you came in a day early and the test is not accurate, but take the progesterone because it won't hurt" I told her how I was told by the Dr to come in that day and I told them I would come back if they wanted me to and they just took it anyway. I figured I would be taking it anyway since I had to last time. I got a little upset when she sounded like she was reprimanding me for coming in too early. Maybe she was having a bad day cuz her tone wasn't very nice.
The Hubby texted me to tell me he just found out he has to go on a business trip next week. He leaves on Valentines day. I hate when he goes away! I got upset.
Then, I had a big glass of soda and I was enjoying it a ton. I knocked it all over the floor and I didn't have any more. I was so pissed. It was stupid, but I got upset.
The final thing that put me over the edge was our fake Christmas tree. Don't judge me. Our tree was still up, naked. I have been too lazy to take it down. So I started to take it apart and was struggling with it. The branches just didn't want to fold up. I tried tying twine around each layer, it kept breaking. Tried squishing it and just wrapping it with the bubble wrap it came with, it just wouldn't fit in the box. The branches were scratching my arms and I was all itchy and red. After 45 minutes of this I had a little hissy fit and started balling my eyes out!
First I was just crying about the stupid tree and then every emotion I was feeling about this IUI came out. I am so scared of this not working! I am scared of being disappointed again. I am so tired of my body failing. The Hubby yells at me when I say that because I am not failing. Both our bodies have issues that are contributing. I still feel like my body is failing because it is happening inside me.
All the babies around me are having big moments. Rolling over, crawling, walking and saying first words and the pictures and texts I get are just killing me. Just more reminders of what I am missing out on.
My psyc says I am putting too much pressure on myself. She says I need to put getting pregnant this month out of my mind. Just say it's not going to happen now, but I will be pregnant in the next 6 months. Make the plan not as specific. Keep reminding myself that we are working on it. We are actually doing something. I don't know how to do that. I feel like the only thing that is getting me through this is the hope that this is going to work. I don't know how to find a happy medium. I am so lost.
DON'T FORGET TO ENTER MY CHOCOLATE GIVEAWAY!!!! MAKE SURE YOU CLICK THE GREEN ENTER BUTTONS FOR EACH ACTION YOU TAKE!!!! A FEW OF YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION, BUT DIDN'T ENTER ON THE RAFFLECOPTER ENTRY FORM!
Sheeesh... Usually when nothing goes right for me I call it the Drop-sies :) Meaning I drop things, run into things and so on. I'm sorry you're having a difficult day, week... few days. And don't feel bad - I have to admit that my fake tree is still sitting in my living room too. Best of luck on your IUI... I go in next week for mine - I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI am glad I am not the only one with a tree up LOL! Thank you for the support.
DeleteI can relate girl. Sometimes the craziest little thing can be the thing that pushes us over the edge. I can get like that sometimes but combine IF treatments and meds and we can become ticking time bombs! :) I guess I'm just trying to say it's "normal".
ReplyDeleteYea that's what I feel like a ticking bomb. Thanks. I am glad it is "normal"
DeleteGeez ... and here I just posted a birthday cake. :(
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those times when I feel most poignantly the divide in the IF community. I have been where you are, and it's a really, really crappy place to be. Try to be kind to yourself, Emily. In my darkest days, I sure as hell couldn't look 6 months ahead. I couldn't even look one month ahead. It was all I could do to look one day ahead, to continue to put one foot in front of the other. And honestly, if thinking 6 months into the future is too daunting, try going in the opposite direction. Find hope in tomorrow. And tomorrow, find hope in the next day. And know that there is a community of people who will hope for you when hope fails you.
Thanks. I am so blessed to have you guys. I am at a point that I can only take it a day at a time. I think I am going to stick with that because the whole 6 month thing seems impossible.
DeleteOh, honey, I'm sorry! We all have days like that. I try to rest assured there is a special place in hell for medical professionals who are less than kind to patients.
ReplyDeleteOur tree will actually be up for another 34 days.
Yea she usually isn't like that. I hope that is the last time she is like that.
DeleteThe doctor has the right idea, but 6 months is too far to be much good. You've had a horrible time and it is wearing you out. Sometimes there is just waaay too much pressure on one cycle to work. Line up a bunch of wonderful things you can do for yourself, big and small, when this cycle doesn't work. Plan your next step after it fails. Then go back and think of the wonderful things you will do for yourself when it works. Because there are two futures out there for you, you just don't know which one it will be. I know it sounds crazy, but it takes the pressure and the pain out of the moment. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I will try that. I am making plans for special things for myself the week of my beta. When we start a new cycle I always think of the wonderful things when it does work. At this point I just get upset when I think of them.
DeleteI'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. It is a lot of pressure and it is ok to get upset at even the stupidest things. What we are going through is hard, so we just have to deal with it as best as we can and express those feeling whenever we want. It will not always be this way, I think a 6 month plan is a good way to look at it. And your time is coming. Don't feel like you're not missing out, just look forward to when you can have those moments too. No one has told us it's impossible yet. Hang in there, sending you a big hug!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hug and the support.
DeleteYou can keep your tree up as long as you want. There have been times I think it would just be easier to throw a bag over it, fully decorated, and leave it there until next year.
ReplyDeleteTTC is very stressful. I have meltdowns often. I'm not sure that I can keep doing this without losing my sanity. I do understand how you feel. Wishing you happiness in many forms and soon.
LOL yea I have thought about doing that too! Thank you!
DeleteI definitely felt solely responsible for our infertility even though we had no evidence that he wasn't part of the problem. I agree with your assessment that it's happening in you so it's easy to feel like it's your fault. At least you got it out, hopefully. And I'd like to slap that nurse. No reason to be such a wench.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yea I wanted to slap her too.
DeleteOh honey. I am so sorry!!! It's funny...MOST of our issues truly are MFI - and I have a 'normal' cycle and I O on the 14th...yet - and I have never admitted this to anyone - for some reason I just feel like it's me and that I will NEVER be pregnant because something's wrong with ME.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to take the blame for this.
I've had those meltdowns..unfortunately they've been while I was at work! haha. but I know no matter how many people tell you that you're not alone, it still sucks. plain and simple. I wish I could give you some huge hugs to let you know everything WILL be ok.
Thanks for the hug. It is so nice to know I am not alone.
DeleteIt's easy to take the blame for everything and put so much pressure on yourself - I did the same thing. Until we went for our pre-IVF counselling, I did not actually realise the amount of pressure I had been putting on myself. It is ok to have a meltdown - you have taken 1 step forward just by realsing that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Definitely keep seeing your psyc. Hang in there honey.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Yea I am going to be seeing her for a while. She really does help and knowing you guys helps a ton too. Thanks for the support.
DeleteThis post reminded me of this:
ReplyDeletehttp://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html
Sometimes it's ok to just say "DAMMIT!"
LOL! Thank you for that! So so true!
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