faith

FYI even though I am an Christian, I will not be talking about faith in God, rather the basic definition of faith as the complete trust or confidence in something. An even better definition is my absolute favorite quote/verse.

Now faith is being sure that what we hope for is going to happen and certain of what we can not see. Heb 11:1

I have always been a very faithful person, but last August when I was at my worst I felt like I had completely lost my faith. I still hoped so hard for a child, but lost the faith that is was actually going to happen. I wasn't certain anymore that my future included children.

When we finally started doing treatments my faith came back full force. I believed with all my heart that I would get pregnant and we would have a baby. Over 6 months and 5 medicated IUIs my faith was slowly lost again. It was just not going to happen and maybe I should get prepared to live child free. I had been sitting lost and negative for a long time.

Then about a month ago Kimberly said something in a post hit me like a ton of bricks.

"It doesn't matter how we get there, just that we get there and regardless of what we have to do or whose sperm and egg we may have to use, that child will be ours"

Even though my journey is different from hers those words stuck with me and became my new mantra.

And we WILL get there. Whether it be through IUI, IVF or adoption, someday we will be parents.

There have been many different times where I was scared to move on to the next thing. Like when we went from trying on our own to treatments. It took a long time for me to grieve the fact that we couldn't do it on our own. I was also scared to move from clomid to injections. Grieving again that we were moving onto another bigger step. It hurt that this had to be the way. I was angry that we had to go through this. It still does hurt and I am still very angry. I still have horrible days and feel overwhelmed. I will still grieve. Things still trigger jealousy and sadness and I am sure it will go on for a long time, but I am looking more now at the bigger picture.

A child of our own.

Because you see, it really doesn't matter what path we take. It doesn't matter how many mountains we climb -sure they may be steep and tire us out, rivers we cross -the current might pull us under or carry us away from our path or a while, miles and miles we travel -the sheer distance may be brutal. Eventually we will get there. I'm sure of it.

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise