Wednesday, July 18, 2012

faith

FYI even though I am an Christian, I will not be talking about faith in God, rather the basic definition of faith as the complete trust or confidence in something. An even better definition is my absolute favorite quote/verse.

Now faith is being sure that what we hope for is going to happen and certain of what we can not see. Heb 11:1

I have always been a very faithful person, but last August when I was at my worst I felt like I had completely lost my faith. I still hoped so hard for a child, but lost the faith that is was actually going to happen. I wasn't certain anymore that my future included children.

When we finally started doing treatments my faith came back full force. I believed with all my heart that I would get pregnant and we would have a baby. Over 6 months and 5 medicated IUIs my faith was slowly lost again. It was just not going to happen and maybe I should get prepared to live child free. I had been sitting lost and negative for a long time.

Then about a month ago Kimberly said something in a post hit me like a ton of bricks.

"It doesn't matter how we get there, just that we get there and regardless of what we have to do or whose sperm and egg we may have to use, that child will be ours"

Even though my journey is different from hers those words stuck with me and became my new mantra.
And we WILL get there. Whether it be through IUI, IVF or adoption, someday we will be parents.

There have been many different times where I was scared to move on to the next thing. Like when we went from trying on our own to treatments. It took a long time for me to grieve the fact that we couldn't do it on our own. I was also scared to move from clomid to injections. Grieving again that we were moving onto another bigger step. It hurt that this had to be the way. I was angry that we had to go through this. It still does hurt and I am still very angry. I still have horrible days and feel overwhelmed. I will still grieve. Things still trigger jealousy and sadness and I am sure it will go on for a long time, but I am looking more now at the bigger picture.

A child of our own.

Because you see, it really doesn't matter what path we take. It doesn't matter how many mountains we climb -sure they may be steep and tire us out, rivers we cross -the current might pull us under or carry us away from our path or a while, miles and miles we travel -the sheer distance may be brutal. Eventually we will get there. I'm sure of it.



Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

20 comments:

  1. You will get there, and you will be a mum. And I guess just knowing this is a helpful and wonderful thing. I think your faith is inspirational, I struggle with mine sometimes.

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    1. Thanks Em. Even though you may struggle I have the hope and faith that you too with someday be a Mum.

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  2. Faith and hope are such magical things... I can hear them in your words :) You'll get there... and your determination and love for your future kid/s will help you along the way xoxo

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  3. I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. IF is such a faith rollercoaster. All I do know is that if God puts a desire in your heart He will fill it. I don't know when or how, but I know you will be a mom. And by the time you get there, you will be such a strong woman of God, you will be able to raise your child to be so very dearly loved. You are soooo much stronger than you know (love the song) and an inspiration to so many of us who are sitting right there with you on this rollercoaster.

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    1. Thank you Kendra. "If God puts a desire in your heart He will fill it"
      I love the way you put that thank you thank you.

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  4. This is beautiful. I think it's hard to have faith if you are stuck on one path or plan ... but it may be easier to trust in something you have no control over if you are open to different ways of reaching your goal. And faith is something even more determined, it seems to me, than hope ... hope feels too shakeable, where faith withstands the inevitable storms.

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    1. Thank you. Hope is very shakeable. When I didn't have faith, my hope fell or I tried to hide it because I didn't want to get hurt. When you have faith that hope is right up there with it. To me hope wanting something desperately and faith is knowing for sure that what you want will happen. Being sure can totally withstand the inevitable storms. Finally being open and at peace with the different ways of getting there definitely contributed to it too.

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  5. Okay, this post is sign number 3 for me. Thank you Emily. Thank you for challenging me to have faith.

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  6. You will get there.... you will... xxx

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    1. Thanks. I never tire hearing/reading that.

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  7. Beautiful lyrics! I think anyone dealing with IF also has some kind of faith issues at some time. There were times that I was very bitter! Eventually I stopped the "Lord, please give me a baby" and started "Lord, please give me peace. I know my period is gonna happen but please make it bearable, as You are in control of everything" and you know what, He never failed me after that and my faith soared!

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    1. I personally could never bring myself to pray for a baby even though God knows my unsaid prayers. I always pray for peace and strength to get through. Praying I can keep this faith going. It feels so good I don't want to lose it.

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  8. Good mantra! I used to tell myself something along those lines when I was really down. I also used to say "this too shall pass" about a million times a day if I was having a hard time.

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    1. This too shall pass is a really good one too!

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  9. I have a really hard time with faith because of the things that have happened, but I really appreciate posts like this that inspire me to keep reaching for it. Thank you, Emily.

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    1. Oh April, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with faith. I'm glad my post is inspiring you to reach for it.

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It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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