all of me

First I wanted to thank everyone for all your comments. You have no idea how amazing it feels when I read that someone is praying for me, wishing me luck or even just thinking about me and hoping this IUI works. Every comment brings me to tears, happy tears. I feel like I have you guys with me every day. You are just sitting in my pocket cheering me on and celebrating each stupid little thing with me. You guys bring me joy, help me find peace and keep my hope alive.

I have not been on our journey as long as a lot of you out there. (Our journey only started September of 2009) I have not experienced the pain of injections and egg retrievals. I have not had a failed cycle or felt the complete incomprehensible agony of a pregnancy loss, still birth or loss of a newborn. I can't even imagine going through that. (I had a chemical pregnancy last year November, but it was basically over before I knew about it)

We are in the middle of our first clomid cycle with IUI and I have hope. I know how incredibly naive I am and I don't care. I mean I know there is a big possibility it won't work our first try and even if it does I have read and heard tons and tons of things that can and have gone wrong. I do have fear, yet I have hope.

When we first went to our RE the Hubby and I agreed that no matter what happens we will not give up. We will be parents some day. It doesn't matter how we get there, through treatment or adoption, we will be parents. When we were told we have treatment options the Hubby and I agreed we were all in.

A couple of days before we got our IUI plan, Still Hoping over at Hope Delayed posted Dum spiro spero (While I breathe, I hope). She has been on a much longer and more difficult journey than I have and she is such a strong inspiring person. She talks about having a love-hate relationship with hope and posts a beautiful song called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. Be careful...this song will bring you to tears!

Then she wrote this, "Through the words of this song I'm realizing that maybe it's fear that causes that love-hate relationship with hope. We're so afraid to put our hearts on the line again. We're afraid to believe that something good could happen to us because it hasn't so far. Fear stops us in our tracks and makes us timid and apprehensive. Makes us question our decisions and our future plans." And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that fear was something I never really talked about or even thought about, but it is there without me knowing. It was holding me back 8 months ago when we first were going to start treatment. I realize now that I was actually a little relieved when we had to postpone our first clomid cycle. I realize now how afraid I was to move on. I was in a bad place and not ready. I didn't yet grieve not being able to conceive a child on our own.

I just realized right before Christmas that I was actually grieving when my mom brought it up. I was telling her how I was not into Christmas at all this year and didn't feel like decorating and then she said "I know how you are feeling, you are grieving. It's a different situation than mine (losing her husband, my father) but I know how it is and you need to do what is best for you" I was shocked and totally needed to hear that.

So now I still may be grieving a bit, but most of the fear is gone. I am ready to move on and excited about it. And like Still Hoping, I am going to put ALL.OF.ME into this. I am going to enjoy every moment. Dream my 2ww away thinking about the little one digging in inside of me. And when I get that call with my positive beta results, cuz I truly believe it will happen, I am going to enjoy every minute of being pregnant. It may not have been as long or difficult as others, but this was my journey gosh darn it and it was difficult.