Tuesday, January 3, 2012

all of me

First I wanted to thank everyone for all your comments. You have no idea how amazing it feels when I read that someone is praying for me, wishing me luck or even just thinking about me and hoping this IUI works. Every comment brings me to tears, happy tears. I feel like I have you guys with me every day. You are just sitting in my pocket cheering me on and celebrating each stupid little thing with me. You guys bring me joy, help me find peace and keep my hope alive.

I have not been on our journey as long as a lot of you out there. (Our journey only started September of 2009) I have not experienced the pain of injections and egg retrievals. I have not had a failed cycle or felt the complete incomprehensible agony of a pregnancy loss, still birth or loss of a newborn. I can't even imagine going through that. (I had a chemical pregnancy last year November, but it was basically over before I knew about it)

We are in the middle of our first clomid cycle with IUI and I have hope. I know how incredibly naive I am and I don't care. I mean I know there is a big possibility it won't work our first try and even if it does I have read and heard tons and tons of things that can and have gone wrong. I do have fear, yet I have hope.

When we first went to our RE the Hubby and I agreed that no matter what happens we will not give up. We will be parents some day. It doesn't matter how we get there, through treatment or adoption, we will be parents. When we were told we have treatment options the Hubby and I agreed we were all in.

A couple of days before we got our IUI plan, Still Hoping over at Hope Delayed posted Dum spiro spero (While I breathe, I hope). She has been on a much longer and more difficult journey than I have and she is such a strong inspiring person. She talks about having a love-hate relationship with hope and posts a beautiful song called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. Be careful...this song will bring you to tears!

Then she wrote this, "Through the words of this song I'm realizing that maybe it's fear that causes that love-hate relationship with hope. We're so afraid to put our hearts on the line again. We're afraid to believe that something good could happen to us because it hasn't so far. Fear stops us in our tracks and makes us timid and apprehensive. Makes us question our decisions and our future plans." And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that fear was something I never really talked about or even thought about, but it is there without me knowing. It was holding me back 8 months ago when we first were going to start treatment. I realize now that I was actually a little relieved when we had to postpone our first clomid cycle. I realize now how afraid I was to move on. I was in a bad place and not ready. I didn't yet grieve not being able to conceive a child on our own.

I just realized right before Christmas that I was actually grieving when my mom brought it up. I was telling her how I was not into Christmas at all this year and didn't feel like decorating and then she said "I know how you are feeling, you are grieving. It's a different situation than mine (losing her husband, my father) but I know how it is and you need to do what is best for you" I was shocked and totally needed to hear that.

So now I still may be grieving a bit, but most of the fear is gone. I am ready to move on and excited about it. And like Still Hoping, I am going to put ALL.OF.ME into this. I am going to enjoy every moment. Dream my 2ww away thinking about the little one digging in inside of me. And when I get that call with my positive beta results, cuz I truly believe it will happen, I am going to enjoy every minute of being pregnant. It may not have been as long or difficult as others, but this was my journey gosh darn it and it was difficult.


  1. I hope your journey won't be as long as mine is. Years of trying and round after round of IVF is really overrated :)
    I've got everything I can cross crossed for you! Best of luck!!!

  2. Every journey is different and has its own set of problems.  I really hope that you will succeed this IUI.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. The love-hate between hope and fear is just that...a stuggle to have one becauase of experinces with the other. 

  4. Hi,
    I just found your blog last week. Thank you for posting your story! It helps me a lot since it is so similar to mine. We have been TTC since summer 2009. Just a couple weeks ago, my husband's urologist recommended the IUI route. With the holidays in between, we haven't made any plans except to get a referral to an infertility clinic. My gynecologist already recommended that couple months ago. Now I am nervous since I don't know what is lying in wait for us. My next appointment is 2 weeks from now and I hope we can move on since right now it feels like we are not making any progress. Anyways, I am glad I found someone that is writing about this! Thank you so much and sorry for the long comment...
    Good luck to you and your husband!!!

  5. Hi Dorrie,
    Thanks for reading about me. I am sorry you are going through this it sucks! The waiting is the hardest part. I don't know what testing you have had done, but it is good that your Hubby has already been to a urologist. When you go to the RE you will probably have to wait a bit more so they can do testing on you if you haven't done it already. Blood work, US and maybe a HSG. I personally felt like we were making progress when the testing started. I highly recommend reading Navigating the Land of IF by Melissa Ford. You will see the link at the side of my blog. It really helped me learn about what I would go through and she talks about ways of getting through things mentally. Look around and the blogs I read there are a bunch of us that are going through IUIs right now or soon. Good Luck and let me know if you have a blog so I can follow your journey!

  6. Fear is an awful thing and it has a way of gripping us and not wanting to let go. I think you've already come a long way by letting go of a lot of that fear. I'm really hoping and praying this IUI will bring you the baby you long for! It doesn't matter how long your struggle has been. You feel every second of it and it's a pain no one should have to suffer any longer than medically possible.

  7. Hi Emily,
    thanks for your reply! I have done the blood work and the HSG already and they were all fine.  My husband has done multiple SA's already and that seems to be where the "problem" is. I am excited to move on!! I don't have a blog but I'll keep following your progress.  Thanks also for the book and blog recommendations!
    Best and good luck, Aline

  8. I LOVE the optimism here. Love.

  9. Sounds like you are almost there! Keep me updated on your journey too! Either comment or email me!

  10. Emily thank you for your sweet, sweet comments about my post! This community is wonderful beyond words that we can come along beside each other and truly be there for one another. Hang on to that hope every single day. Dream, imagine, hope. And don't apologize for it or the length of your journey. None of us would wish this journey to be any longer for anyone. Best wishes to you guys... we're following along!!

  11. I can related to your fears and conflicting emotions when thinking about starting a treatment plan. Good luck in your 2WW because no matter how long or short the journey...not being or staying pregnant when you want to is hard. 

  12. Hi Emily!! I posted on your timeline, but wanted to leave one here too. :) Just wanted to let you know - while I don't know you and I've only read just a little bit into your life here on the WWW...I truly hope you get your BFP with the IUI this month. :)
    We are dealing mainly with MFI and it sucks. But hopefully the clomid will help him enough to be able to do IUI one day. :)
    Anyways - I look forward to reading more about your journey, and hopefully this will turn into a pregnancy blog before you know it!

  13. Good for you!! I can relate..I haven't gone through nearly what others have, and I'm only on my first cycle of Clomid. You have to have hope, though, because otherwise, what's the point? Bring on a Clomid baby! And I agree about the support in blogging!


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