hope

First I want to thank all of you for your amazing comments on my last post. I have read them over and over multiple times. Each time they bring on tears of joy and peace. I am overwhelmed by your comments. This time in a good way. You remind me and push me to do what I need to do and not give in. You give me the support I need. You are helping me be a better person to myself. Pushing me to stay strong and get rid of the guilt. It still amazes me how you, people I only know through the computer, care about me that much. Just as much as I care about you. And for that I am eternally grateful!

I also wanted to respond to a couple of comments. To Trisha and Kate (and everyone else who has a beautiful little miracle growing in your belly) PLEASE PLEASE know that I love you and would never want to stop reading and commenting on my blog. Your presence is a source of strength and hope. I am truly happy and excited for your little miracles and I am still reading your posts because I want to, just sometimes don't know what to say. And because of your and others support I know that it's ok.

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I have been thinking a lot about hope recently. How over the last 6 months and 5 medicated IUIs it has dwindled down to almost nothing. I started off full of hope, sure the IUIs were going to work and I would be pregnant by now. I was up till 4:30 am thinking about things and I realized it was more a defense mechanism rather than me actually losing my hope. My hope is still there. It has been there all along. I just buried it deep and covered it up after the disappointment of a few failed IUIs. Even though I buried it, a little part of it snuck it's way back out. I didn't want to hope anymore because if I did the sting of failure would be stronger. At least that is what lead myself to believe.

EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow wrote a post recently about not wanting to have hope. I identified with this so much. Then, I read the comments and the one from Hapa Hopes really stuck with me.

"You have to embrace the hope. If you don't have hope, why are you going through all of this at all? I've tried quashing the hope, but you still end up just as disappointed in the end if it doesn't work. I like Carrie's Anne of Green Gables Quote. Embrace the hope and enjoy it. Even if you pretend you don't have hope, you'll still end up with a thud if it doesn't work the way you'd like it to."

Isn't it true? No matter how much you try to squash that hope you will still be just as disappointed if it doesn't work. So why not hope? Why not dream and enjoy every minute of it?

Probably one of the reasons why I was so overwhelmed in my last post is because unknown to me AF was on her way. I had taken the last month off from treatments and I took it off completely so I had no idea what CD I was on and when she was supposed to show up. She showed up late last night so today is CD1. We are starting medicated IUI #6 which is our last shot before we start IVF.

I am going back to the way I was in the beginning of treatments. I am going to fully embrace my hope. I'm going to do all the superstitious and fun things I want like wearing fertility socks (can't wait to get my first pair!), eating "fertility" foods, having a fertility reflexology massage and anything else I can think of. Do you have any suggestions? What do you do?

I am going to relax and have fun with it and if it doesn't work, we move on to the next step. I know it will work out in the end because with the hope I also have faith, but that's a post for another day.


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