But with being happy, I am also a bit sad.
|Borrowed from bloggersforhope.com|
Even though I told K from the beginning that I don't want her "walking on eggshells" around me she still does. We talk about her pregnancy and all different things related to baby, but overall she acts like she isn't excited about anything having to do with anything baby. I know she is doing this because she doesn't want to upset me, but it makes me upset and things I know aren't true run through my head like, Here I am wanting a baby so bad and she isn't happy or excited about being pregnant! The one thing that would make me the happiest and most excited!
So anyway, my Aunt calls me and starts asking me questions about things she should register for. After being around so many babies, nannying, and helping my pregnant friends and family with their registries I am basically a walking baby store and everyone knows it. After giving her a bunch of info she told me the login and password and told me to just add things she might have missed if I want. I think it's great that I know so much, but sometimes it makes me angry
If she had asked me to do this months ago or earlier I would have probably done it with no problem. I am still excited about it and want to do it, but now I know that some time in the middle of it or right after I will completely fall apart. The tears are welling up right now just thinking about it.
I talked about it with my therapist today and she reminded me that even though I have all this knowledge and I want K to have everything she needs, it's not my job and I don't need to do it. I can step back. I need to step back even if I really want to do it. For my own mental health. I was feeling good after therapy and then I checked my phone.
K had texted me and asked if I wanted to come over on Saturday and help her sort through all the hand me downs that were stored in my attic. She asked me because she knows how much fun it would be for me. I would feel a part of her pregnancy. I really, really, really wanted to say yes. I would love to sort through those little outfits, get all excited with her and dream of dressing my little one soon, but I know I just can't do it right now. So, I texted her back. "I'm kinda torn with the baby stuff. I know I would probably have fun sorting through and helping you, but I don't know if I can handle it emotionally right now. So, I think I am going to decline for Sat." That was 5 hours ago. Haven't heard anything back. She is probably upset now that she thinks she upset me and I probably won't hear from her for a week or so. Que me feeling guilty for upsetting her for upsetting me. Isn't that sick?
Not even 5 minutes after that I get a text from B announcing the birth of her baby. (the one I made this blanket for) She was born a week ago and because I am not on facebook anymore (thank goodness) I missed the announcement there. Her due date was 2 weeks ago so I was able to prepare myself. I figured she had the baby and was obviously too busy to text me. But why did I have to get that text on top of the other things that just happened? That was it. I started bawling right there in my car at a gas station.
I just got off the phone with the Hubby. He is away on business till tomorrow night. I told him the stories I just told you through sometimes incoherent sobs and he did what he could over the phone. I think he was a little lost. He couldn't hold me and tell me things would be ok and he is here for me because he is 800 miles and a timezone away, but he did his best and I can hold him tomorrow night and maybe then I will be less overwhelmed.