But with being happy, I am also a bit sad.
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| Borrowed from bloggersforhope.com |
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Even though I told K from the beginning that I don't want her "walking on eggshells" around me she still does. We talk about her pregnancy and all different things related to baby, but overall she acts like she isn't excited about anything having to do with anything baby. I know she is doing this because she doesn't want to upset me, but it makes me upset and things I know aren't true run through my head like, Here I am wanting a baby so bad and she isn't happy or excited about being pregnant! The one thing that would make me the happiest and most excited!
So anyway, my Aunt calls me and starts asking me questions about things she should register for. After being around so many babies, nannying, and helping my pregnant friends and family with their registries I am basically a walking baby store and everyone knows it. After giving her a bunch of info she told me the login and password and told me to just add things she might have missed if I want. I think it's great that I know so much, but sometimes it makes me angry
If she had asked me to do this months ago or earlier I would have probably done it with no problem. I am still excited about it and want to do it, but now I know that some time in the middle of it or right after I will completely fall apart. The tears are welling up right now just thinking about it.
I talked about it with my therapist today and she reminded me that even though I have all this knowledge and I want K to have everything she needs, it's not my job and I don't need to do it. I can step back. I need to step back even if I really want to do it. For my own mental health. I was feeling good after therapy and then I checked my phone.
K had texted me and asked if I wanted to come over on Saturday and help her sort through all the hand me downs that were stored in my attic. She asked me because she knows how much fun it would be for me. I would feel a part of her pregnancy. I really, really, really wanted to say yes. I would love to sort through those little outfits, get all excited with her and dream of dressing my little one soon, but I know I just can't do it right now. So, I texted her back. "I'm kinda torn with the baby stuff. I know I would probably have fun sorting through and helping you, but I don't know if I can handle it emotionally right now. So, I think I am going to decline for Sat." That was 5 hours ago. Haven't heard anything back. She is probably upset now that she thinks she upset me and I probably won't hear from her for a week or so. Que me feeling guilty for upsetting her for upsetting me. Isn't that sick?
Not even 5 minutes after that I get a text from B announcing the birth of her baby. (the one I made this blanket for) She was born a week ago and because I am not on facebook anymore (thank goodness) I missed the announcement there. Her due date was 2 weeks ago so I was able to prepare myself. I figured she had the baby and was obviously too busy to text me. But why did I have to get that text on top of the other things that just happened? That was it. I started bawling right there in my car at a gas station.
I just got off the phone with the Hubby. He is away on business till tomorrow night. I told him the stories I just told you through sometimes incoherent sobs and he did what he could over the phone. I think he was a little lost. He couldn't hold me and tell me things would be ok and he is here for me because he is 800 miles and a timezone away, but he did his best and I can hold him tomorrow night and maybe then I will be less overwhelmed.
You have to do what's best for you first. If that means taking a big huge step away from all things pregnant or with two lines on them, then that's the most important thing to do.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a caring person and you give so much to the people around you. I am glad you have your counselor reminding you that not only is it okay, but it's vitally important to give to yourself, too.
You have been through a lot. K and other people in your life may not understand, but I am sure that those of us in ALI blog land do.
I'm really proud of you for taking care of yourself in relation to everything with K. It is good to maintain some boundaries and distance in order to protect your heart a bit. I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much right now.
ReplyDeleteAlso, even though I am one with a growing baby in my belly I am still jealous of the surprise BFP posts. I can't imagine a world where I got pregnant without intervention! I'm already worried about what it will be like to TTC #2 if this little one sticks around.
I really hope that you have a BFP of your own very very soon. <3
Oh hun... I know how you feel. It's so hard hearing news and being happy but sad at the same time. Be gentle on yourself and do what feels right for you. Thinking of you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. It's so hard to be so happy for everyone around, but also to feel sad at the same time because you want so desperately to be a part of the club. The number of surprise BFP posts has been amazing for this community (and I can't think of any group that deserves them more), but it's hard when my arms are still empty. I think taking a step back is wise. Even if it means those you love don't really understand. Because if you wear yourself thin trying to do everything that hurts you at the moment, you won't be able to heal properly. So, no guilt. No second guessing any decisions. Just be good to yourself. You'll know when you're ready to be actively involved with all of it again. Sending hugs
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are having an especially hard time. You have to do what is best for you. I'd like to think that we in the blogging world understand what you are going through and no one is upset with you for not commenting. I hope your family is able to empathize as much as possible. It's hard not having someone in real life that really knows how it feels.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are struggling at the moment. I just hate that we all have to go through this, it is so very unfair. Huge hugs x x x
ReplyDeleteK should understand and should have responded she understood. And as far as her registry goes, she needs to do it herself (or whoever she had doing ti for her) especially knowing how emotional you are feeling about this. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, and have to do what you know is best. You are not hurting anyone, I think you have handled it all with so much tact and they need to understand. I hope for better days coming to you, big hug!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are completely normal! Better days are ahead! HUGS!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you do what's best for you. Like you said, it's such a fine line to walk, and I think it's so hard to want to be involved in someone's life and feel hurt every time you are. I went through that with my SIL. I would walk in to a room and the talking would stop, the baby pages on Pin.terest would close. I knew they were trying to help shield me, but it hurt like heck. Thinking about you today.
ReplyDeleteIn infertility, it's important to feel the feelings we're feeling, WITHOUT feeling guilty about. There have been many times that I was happy for someone, while feeling both sad and jealous. There are a lot of conflicting emotions that can drive you crazy if you let them. Just take the time you need and step back as far away as you need to and no one will think any less of you for it.
ReplyDeleteIn the first part of your post you apologize for not commenting as you used to on now pregnant blogs. You explained that " I know I will be back to my old self soon, but for now I need to take care of me. I hope you understand." I think this same statement applies to your pregnant friends and family. Right now you are No. 1 and the people in your life, and your blog readers, who love you will absolutely understand. Infertility is hard no matter how you spin it. If you need to step away, that is ok. The blogs, the preggos and the babies will still be there when you feel a little lighter. ((huge bear hug))
ReplyDeleteTrust me I GET THIS. I would go through the same sort of thing whenever a bloggy friend got a BFP. I still do actually. No one is judging you for feeling the way we have all felt. I have a friend right now who is having a bit of surviver's guilt about her BFP and is having a hard time even posting for fear of upsetting those still in the trenches. It's a fine line we all walk.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty though. It's never easy to admit you are having a hard time with this community. But you are right, you need to take care of YOU. I hope that however it is okay with you if I keep reading and responding to your blog. If that is too hard as well, no hard feelings...promise!
I'm sorry, and sadly in your same boat. I love that image because it is SO TRUE! Such a fine line. Every single time I hear a pregnancy announcement I go through those same emotions. It's also a fine line between continuing to follow or not. I have continued to follow all of my pregnant "blogging friends" after they announced their pregnancies because I genuinely want to! I am excited to hear of their journey and see belly shots...but then sometimes I'm not. Sorry you had such a rough day. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI have the perfect cure for you! A day at the beach, relaxing with a new friend, and NO talk of babies! Well, I take that back. A short chat of babies because I want you to 'meet' mine. We can have a good cry over everything that has been taken away from us, and then we can eat chocolate cake (or something healhty.....) and go relax somewhere withough any registry or baby clothes chat. I think it's important to just get away from everything sometimes. Hm a therapist would probably call me an avoider, but it's how I deal. Just forget about it for awhile. It works...for a bit anyways.
ReplyDeleteSending you some hugs and stop feeling guilty!!! I know, I know, easier said that done. You're a good person, maybe too good sometimes. Don't be afraid to step back.
I think you did the absolute right thing by telling your cousin the truth about why you choose not to help out on Saturday. Now you just have to remember WHY you did it because the guilt you are feeling can be almost as bad just going in the first place. Stay strong and she'll come around. You already feel bad enough without feeling bad for her too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
I just want to point out how super nice and supportive you always are..you have the right to feel this way, without guilt. In fact, i frequently feel the same way, so I understand. Don't be too hard on yourself..you don't deserve it!
ReplyDeleteAt least you are still managing to be happy for people. I was so bitterly jealous that I couldn't stand anyone who was pregnant. You are so supportive despite everything you are going through and you should be proud of yourself for knowing your limits and telling your cousin how you were feeling.
ReplyDelete::hug:: you poor thing, when it rains it pours :-\ I know the feelings you are going through. I wrote, but never posted, an entry about the jealousy I felt over all the BFPs I saw happening in the spring. IF ruins everything, including our happiness for others. You are a wonderful person for trying to stay involved with people even when they have the one thing you want most. Its okay to have a limit though, we all do.
ReplyDeleteOh Emily, I am so sorry! I promise you my little rant had nothing to do with you or any lack in commenting on your part since my BFP!!! I am so sorry if it contributed to your feeling bad, on top of everything else! You are and have been my first and favorite blogging friend, and I completely understand and support your feelings... even though I wish you didn't have to have them and if they mean I won't be hearing from you for a while.
ReplyDeleteBeing sad and jealous is normal, especially in this situation!!! You do exactly what you need to do for you, in terms of blogging and IRL (I agree with the not registering for your friend decision... That, like certain other exciting baby related things, is a privilege you will get to enjoy when your time comes, not your responsibility to do for someone else before then).
Like Trisha, I'd like to still read and comment on your blog, but if my presence here is too much right now, I'll step away and look forward to the day when you feel better. It's up to you, and no hard feelings!
But please do not feel bad about how you are feeling right now. I know that you are
A. Not a bad person or greedy (not even close!)
B. Truly happy for me and other recently lucky bloggers
C. Going to get your BFP one of these days, make a blanket that I will be super jealous of, and go on to be a fantastic mother
Sending much love and so many Hugs...
We all feel that way sometimes. It gets better some days and it gets worse, and that's okay.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. I completely relate. It never used to bother me, but now I can't handle it. I barely check on my reader any more because of the obscene amount of BFPs.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you and sending a huge hug!
Please don't be hard on yourself. Easier said than done -- I'm also one who finds it hard to practice what I preach in that area. I know I don't know you all that well, and have only recently found your blog compared to your other readers, but it's times like this when I wish I knew you in real life and could give you a hug. Sometimes I feel weird posting on blogs written by women who are struggling to have children. I get a part of what they're going through because I fought my own battle, but in a huge way, I know I really and truly do not. I got lucky -- and I know it was purely luck -- and got to leave the trenches after only a year, and before having to do anything more extensive than Clomid or a couple IUIS. I never had to have that surgery. DH and I never had to start putting away money for IVF. So I feel like the words of encouragement I try to give don't mean as much to some people because I didn't fight the fight as long, and that makes me hesitate to comment at all. But I really do want to express that I am rooting for you, and not just for a BFP and a healthy pregnancy and beautiful, but also to fully embrace this time in your life and to feel EXACTLY the way you feel and not make excuses for it. It's hard enough dealing with your own emotions without having to worry about how your feelings are making others feel! Please take care of yourself. Your loved ones will understand.
ReplyDelete*big hugs* I very much know and remember the feelings of "happy for you / sad for me". I'm not sure hubby ever understood it, as much as I tried to explain, many times.
ReplyDeleteWhile not very helpful, everything you've written about feeling is so totally normal. And it just plain sucks!
I don't know how I missed this one. But I get it ... I really do. And I think that all of the commenters are right ... you need to take care of yourself right now, and that means not doing what feels like it hurts. And not feeling guilty for it. And maybe even asking people to help take care of your heart, too. Hoping your heart hurts a little less today.
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