Monday, August 6, 2012

not as calm as you think

Warning this is a bit all over the place.

A bunch of people commented on how calm, cool and collected I am during my 2WW. Well, I totally was until today.

I'm totally freaking out! Maybe not totally, but more than I would like to be. "Oh there you are crazy infertile! Long time no see!"

Tomorrow is my beta and the Hubby was supposed to take a half day so he would be home when we get the results. Earlier today he was told he had to be in a mandatory 2 hour meeting right around the time they call. He will only get home maybe an hour before he usually does.

Friday I was walking around completely positive that this worked then Saturday I felt like we were out. Yesterday and today I have been a grump. I'm mad at myself for googling today and looking at others posts right before their BFP. I have not googled since before my first medicated cycle in December and was so proud of myself! Not anymore. I have been writing things down about how I feel each day since the IUI just for my own reference trying really hard to not look for symptoms and I think I did a very good job of that. There are a few things I can't ignore and can't blame on progesterone pills because mine was normal and I didn't need to take prometrium. I need to just stop thinking.

The truth is I can't tell anymore if I really think it worked or if I want it so bad that I am making myself think it worked. I have never felt like this before and it's driving me insane.

I still have hope that it did so I need to stop thinking it did and just have hope. (does that make sense?)

I guess I'm just freaking out because this is our last shot before IVF and it would be nice to not have to do it.

So, I have 2 choices. I either POAS tomorrow morning before the Hubby goes to work and we can be together for whatever it shows OR I don't POAS, go for my beta and get the call alone. The Hubby hasn't given me a straight answer yet.

Still completely scared out of my mind of POAS!

Damn it girl calm the F*#$ down!

I wish I had a little window with a gazillion times zoom option attached to my uterus so I could see whats going on at all times.

Don't really like myself right now for writing all this, but it's the truth of how I'm feeling.

23 comments:

  1. Your feelings are all completely normal, even if they're all over the place!! Hm, no advice for you on the POAS, sorry. It might be nice to know either way with your husband there. You guys have to do whats right for the both of you. Too bad your husband isn't set one way or the other, that would make the decision earlier. No matter the outcome, I'm only a phone call away if you need to chat. Fingers crossed for you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Taking deep breaths for you, Emily ... you've been remarkably calm, and I think you are completely entitled to a freakout! We'll be here waiting for the news, and in the meantime, I'm sending so much hope and light your way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't believe tomorrow is the day. Did you think about instructing the clinic to leave a voicemail and then your and your husband can listen to it together when he gets home? My fingers are super crossed for you and I can't wait to hear the results!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I admire you for not POAS already (I am a POAS-aholic and always say I am not going to but end up POAS too early)! I think what you are feeling is very normal! You are doing great! If it were me, I would be POAS in the morning but that always helps me. I would only do that though if it helps you. I am thinking of you and wish you wonderful news tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would poas myself but that's just me! Whatever you choose I can't wait to hear your results.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're doing far better than I ever did. Regarding whether or not to POAS, I guess the big question is how you would feel getting the news without Hubby. If having him there is important, then I vote you pee on plastic objects. If you're comfortable getting the news without him, then I would wait. Each person is different (I'm terrified of HPTs) so do what's best for you. Fingers crossed!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fingers crossed for you. If you hate poas then don't, however, having your husband there would be nice. See how helpful that was? :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Totally understand all of your feelings. Fingers crossed for you tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ahhhh! I was a pee stick junkie so I don't know how you can handle it! I would have POAS 3x a day for the past 5 days!

    I agree though, if you think you'll be okay then wait but I dont know how you can manage that. It's a good sign though you haven't got your period isn't it? Or maybe it too early.... But fingers crossed and big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wishing you all the best: I've been thinking about you all weekend. Fingers crossed!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thinking of you in whatever you decide! Can't wait to hear the result (hoping its SO positive)!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're doing very well, Emily! All your thoughts sounds quite rational to me, even if they are all over the place.

    Betas aren't done here, so I was just told to POAS on day X, which the last time around I amazingly waited until that day and no earlier. I was so sure the cycle had failed, as I wasn't feeling any symptoms (out of the ordinary) at all! I POAS in the morning and didn't believe the + results from two tests and told hubby so, but it was so. Try to stay calm, anything can happen!
    Keeping my fingers crossed for you and can't wait for an update.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have my fingers crossed that you'll get an excellent beta result!

    (readingeachpage.blogspot.com)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh man, hang in there - waiting is so tough and I'm thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't think you should be hard on yourself for writing this. In order to maintain hope and a positive attitude (which you've been great at) you have to let yourself feel your emotions as they come up. Much better to write them out here and work through them than to stifle them away under a mask.

    I completely understand how you are feeling, having been there myself. 6 iuis really takes it's toll. It's hard to fathom having to move on to something else when you've already committed so much time to scans, blood draws and injections. I'm crossing everything that you get good news today!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have my beta on Wednesday and despite my best efforts, I keep going back and forth whether my first IVF worked too. Mostly, I don't think it did work and then I had to talk myself into continuing to take my progesterone this morning, you know, just in case. Keeping my fingers crossed for both of us!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I feel the same way! Starting to hit that freaking out point - way earlier than you thought! haha I would personally want to POAS first. I hate having NO clue what the nurse is going to say, but it's a tough decision! Sorry hubs won't be there probably. :-( I'll probably get the call at work which might be interesting (which is why I'm going to POAS that morning haha) GOOD LUCK!! Can't wait to see that you've gotten your BFP!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think uteruses should definitely come with windows. It would make a LOT of things much easier / cooler. GOOD LUCK!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I can complete understand how you are feeling. My fingers are crossed for you today! Good luck :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Freaking out at this point in the game is completely acceptable! I know how you feel about wanting it to work out so you don't have to move on to IVF. That's where my husband and I are right now. We have maybe two cycles left before IVF and we're both praying with all of our might that we get a miracle before then.

    Good luck, hon. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you get a positive result.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I have to say that I would have peed on more than one stick by now. I'm terrible at waiting. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  22. The fact that you made it this long without POAS (and stayed so busy and stress free for almost all of your TWW) is amazing! I'd either POAS in the am with hubby, or have the clinic leave a message that you listen to together. I think. :)
    I'm just praying so hard that this is it for you!
    Big hugs!

    ReplyDelete

It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...