Warning this is a bit all over the place.
A bunch of people commented on how calm, cool and collected I am during my 2WW. Well, I totally was until today.
I'm totally freaking out! Maybe not totally, but more than I would like to be. "Oh there you are crazy infertile! Long time no see!"
Tomorrow is my beta and the Hubby was supposed to take a half day so he would be home when we get the results. Earlier today he was told he had to be in a mandatory 2 hour meeting right around the time they call. He will only get home maybe an hour before he usually does.
Friday I was walking around completely positive that this worked then Saturday I felt like we were out. Yesterday and today I have been a grump. I'm mad at myself for googling today and looking at others posts right before their BFP. I have not googled since before my first medicated cycle in December and was so proud of myself! Not anymore. I have been writing things down about how I feel each day since the IUI just for my own reference trying really hard to not look for symptoms and I think I did a very good job of that. There are a few things I can't ignore and can't blame on progesterone pills because mine was normal and I didn't need to take prometrium. I need to just stop thinking.
The truth is I can't tell anymore if I really think it worked or if I want it so bad that I am making myself think it worked. I have never felt like this before and it's driving me insane.
I still have hope that it did so I need to stop thinking it did and just have hope. (does that make sense?)
I guess I'm just freaking out because this is our last shot before IVF and it would be nice to not have to do it.
So, I have 2 choices. I either POAS tomorrow morning before the Hubby goes to work and we can be together for whatever it shows OR I don't POAS, go for my beta and get the call alone. The Hubby hasn't given me a straight answer yet.
Still completely scared out of my mind of POAS!
Damn it girl calm the F*#$ down!
I wish I had a little window with a gazillion times zoom option attached to my uterus so I could see whats going on at all times.
Don't really like myself right now for writing all this, but it's the truth of how I'm feeling.