Saturday, July 14, 2012

hope

First I want to thank all of you for your amazing comments on my last post. I have read them over and over multiple times. Each time they bring on tears of joy and peace. I am overwhelmed by your comments. This time in a good way. You remind me and push me to do what I need to do and not give in. You give me the support I need. You are helping me be a better person to myself. Pushing me to stay strong and get rid of the guilt. It still amazes me how you, people I only know through the computer, care about me that much. Just as much as I care about you. And for that I am eternally grateful!

I also wanted to respond to a couple of comments. To Trisha and Kate (and everyone else who has a beautiful little miracle growing in your belly) PLEASE PLEASE know that I love you and would never want to stop reading and commenting on my blog. Your presence is a source of strength and hope. I am truly happy and excited for your little miracles and I am still reading your posts because I want to, just sometimes don't know what to say. And because of your and others support I know that it's ok.

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I have been thinking a lot about hope recently. How over the last 6 months and 5 medicated IUIs it has dwindled down to almost nothing. I started off full of hope, sure the IUIs were going to work and I would be pregnant by now. I was up till 4:30 am thinking about things and I realized it was more a defense mechanism rather than me actually losing my hope. My hope is still there. It has been there all along. I just buried it deep and covered it up after the disappointment of a few failed IUIs. Even though I buried it, a little part of it snuck it's way back out. I didn't want to hope anymore because if I did the sting of failure would be stronger. At least that is what lead myself to believe.

EmHart @ Follow Every Rainbow wrote a post recently about not wanting to have hope. I identified with this so much. Then, I read the comments and the one from Hapa Hopes really stuck with me.
"You have to embrace the hope. If you don't have hope, why are you going through all of this at all? I've tried quashing the hope, but you still end up just as disappointed in the end if it doesn't work. I like Carrie's Anne of Green Gables Quote. Embrace the hope and enjoy it. Even if you pretend you don't have hope, you'll still end up with a thud if it doesn't work the way you'd like it to."
Isn't it true? No matter how much you try to squash that hope you will still be just as disappointed if it doesn't work. So why not hope? Why not dream and enjoy every minute of it?

Probably one of the reasons why I was so overwhelmed in my last post is because unknown to me AF was on her way. I had taken the last month off from treatments and I took it off completely so I had no idea what CD I was on and when she was supposed to show up. She showed up late last night so today is CD1. We are starting medicated IUI #6 which is our last shot before we start IVF.

I am going back to the way I was in the beginning of treatments. I am going to fully embrace my hope. I'm going to do all the superstitious and fun things I want like wearing fertility socks (can't wait to get my first pair!), eating "fertility" foods, having a fertility reflexology massage and anything else I can think of. Do you have any suggestions? What do you do?

I am going to relax and have fun with it and if it doesn't work, we move on to the next step. I know it will work out in the end because with the hope I also have faith, but that's a post for another day.


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22 comments:

  1. The last IUI before IVF is hard, I'll be praying for you!
    My biggest suggestion is to jump on pinterest and scroll through the humor page, I always find something that makes me laugh uncontrollably, and I believe that we need to laugh everyday. I have also found some inspiration and hope boards on there too.
    I'm making muffins for the group at my RE office, it gets me excited to go so it helps me look forward to being there instead of sad or scared.
    big huggs and prayers that you don't have to join the IVF group!

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    1. Thanks Kat! Great suggestion. I am going to have to check that out! I have wanted to bake for my RE office for a while now, but never have. I will make sure I do that this time.

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  2. Hope is such a powerful and beautiful thing :) Embrace it :)) I find it hard to do too... but you're right with or without hope, the disappointment with a failed cycle is still there... but the ride is soooo much better along the way with positivity and hope :) Cheering you on from Oz :)) Did my parcel arrive ? So sorry for the muck up... will send again if it hasn't reached you. It slipped my mind over the past month. Love to you always my dear friend xoxo

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    1. Thank you. I am going to embrace it as much as possible. Nothing has arrived yet. I think the postal service really lost it. Sucks that they lost your sister's package too. I totally understand that not being in your mind over the past month. You have been through a lot and taking care of you and your family is more important than socks. Love you too dear friend xoxoxo

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    2. Oh no.... I'm so so sorry :( I'm onto it and will get it there ASAP :) When's your first scan / procedure ? Want to get it there for that (if I can) xoxo

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    3. It's ok. My baseline scan is Monday. My IUI could be anywhere between the 25th and 28th. Don't drive yourself crazy. I can always wear them during my 2WW and Beta.

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    4. Wow.... our FET transfer might be over those exact dates too :)) Will get it in the mail tomorrow xoxo

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    5. Just posted it... FXd it make it there this time :)) xoxo

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  3. Yay for continued hope and another chance with CD1.
    I recently told a friend that one should never give up hope. Hope may change the way it looks and how we go about things (such as switching from IUI to IVF, or even pursuing something else), but hope should never be given up.

    I never really had any fertility-things I did while cycling and waiting. I tried eating healthy-ish, not stress (hahah) and keep myself busy. I did try acupuncture (and my Chinese coworkers swear that is what worked for me, although, being that it was 4-5 months before I got pregnant, I have no idea if it really was that or not).

    In any case, I'm thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed.

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    1. Thanks Heather.I have always wanted to try acupuncture. Maybe I will try it if we move onto IVF.

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  4. That is a great quote! So fitting for this whole journey. Sometimes we repress it because we feel so vulnerable and don't want to disappoint ourselves, but hope is key. If you have lost all hope then you have nothing left. Keep your hope burning bright!

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  5. See what happens when I leave the blog world alone for a day? I miss everything. Sorry Em that its been so rough for you. Wishing I could do something for you. Hope is what I always try to have each cycle that I'm ttc. Even when the crap hits the fan when I get a BFP I still keep trying.

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    1. By being here for me you are doing the best thing for me! Thanks Rebecca!

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  6. I loved that quote too. I have decided to embrace the hope, it would have snuck in anyway I am willing to bet. The other wonderful thing about this community is that even when we struggle to find the hope for ourselves there are so many wonderful people holding onto that hope for us. I have hope for you and I will hold on to it tight.

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    1. Thanks Em! I am so glad you are embracing it. We are all holding hope for you too.

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  7. Embrace hope Emily and NEVER let go! Its all that got me through some days! I'm so sorry you've had such a hard week!

    And if I ever complain, I don't mean to, and please feel free to let me know! I'm glad that you still follow it!

    (((HUGS)))
    Annette

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    1. Thanks Annette! You have every right to complain just like I do and everyone else. I love following yours and so many others Mommy blogs. I read, just some days I don't know what to say. Thanks for the hugz!

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  8. I've heard pineapples help with making sticky babies. I have lots of stocks I never got to use because well IUI never happens. If you wanna them they still have the tags on them, I can put them in the mail tomorrow. You'll have them before U/S and stuff!!

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    1. Yea I have read that on lots of blogs. I will be getting some pineapples. I have read that eating the core is the best for you (at least with IVF) Gonna try it. You don't want to keep your socks? Well, if you don't you should spread the love. Maybe do a giveaway?

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  9. There all red and black, two with hearts, one just red and black and two snoops ones. The shelves just good rain gutter bookshelves. Super easy!!

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    1. That is so cool! I never heard of that before. I googled it. I will totally be doing that! I feel weird taking all your socks. If you want to send me one pair go ahead a pick out one for me. Surprise me. I can't find your email on your blog so if you want to email me will send you my address.

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It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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