Thursday, August 30, 2012

the ultimatum: part 1

I want to thank you ahead of time for reading my venting about my family. I have been dealing with this for a very long time and things finally came to a point where something drastic needs to be done. I know everyone has their own opinions about how to deal with family and you can go ahead and state them if you would like. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and I respect that. I don't judge others decisions because I know I have not been through what they have. I just need to get this out there to get it out of my head. A way to release the bad.

So, as you know I went on a last minute trip down to Florida to drive back with my Mom. First let me give you dome background. I apologize for it being so long. There is a lot to get out.

The family member I will be talking about is who I call Nana F. She is my Dad's Mom. She has been an alcoholic for a long time. There is also some mental illness there too. When my Dad was 11 and uncle was 6 Nana F abandoned her children and went off to Florida to do her own thing. My Poppy (Dad's Dad) and his second wife who I just call Nana took care of them and raised them from then on. Even though Nana is not blood related, she has always been and will always be my real Nana.

When I was a kid Nana F was that super fun, outgoing, crazy happy Nana. The one who always acted like a teenager and knew how to have a good time. It was great when I was young and didn't know that she was like that because she drank all the time. I didn't see her a lot since she lived in Florida hopping from husband to husband. As far as I know there have been 6 total.

Anyway, I really started seeing how she truly was when I was about 12. She would mix her drinks into a water bottle or a glass and try to pass it of as just seltzer or juice, but everyone knew what it really was. I talked to my Mom about it all. How I didn't like how she was acting. It wasn't fun Nana F anymore and I was actually scared and didn't want to hang out with her alone especially if we were going anywhere. I didn't want to drive with her. Even before I stated my concerns, my Mom knew and never let her drive with me in the car.

In the next few years I kinda stepped back from my relationship with her. Being around her upset me. I was scared for her. I knew she was sick. She really started getting sloppy and most of the time spent with her she was completely sloshed. Slurring her words and never remembered any conversations we had. I talked to her about her drinking and how I was worried about her. I loved her and wanted her to get help. She acted like she cared about what I was saying , but I guess was drunk enough to not remember any of the conversation.

When I was 17 and just got my license she was visiting and we went out to eat to celebrate, just her and I. I don't remember why I didn't have my car, but Nana F drove. On the way out I had a serious conversation with her. I asked her if we could have a nice lunch out just the two of us with no drinking. She told me she understood and she promised. We went out to one of my favorite places which unfortunately had a small bar in the back. A little while into lunch she went to the bathroom. As soon as she was gone a little longer than was normal I knew where she was. I got up and walked toward the bar around the corner and there she was downing a glass of wine. I went back to the table, pissed and upset and waited for her. She came back with a full glass of wine in her hand so she had at least one and was starting her second.

I told her how upset I was that she was drinking after just promising me she wouldn't. All I got from her was "don't worry about it" and "it's just a glass of wine". I told her to give me her keys and she refused. So, I got up and took her purse and stole her keys from her. She was not driving. I put them in my pocket and quietly finished my meal. When we were done I drove her home and called someone to pick me up. It was the summer and she was visiting for a few months. I didn't talk to her at all for the rest of her trip.

That was 12 years ago. Since then I have kept my distance to keep me emotionally happy and healthy. I still talked to her on the phone, but 99% of the time she was slurring her words and never remembered we ever talked. She would call and ask why it's been months since we talked even though I had just spoken to her a week prior. I would call her for holidays or her birthday and leave a message, never get a call back and find out a week later that she called my Mom saying she was returning her call. My Mom would explain to call me, but she was too drunk to understand. I would see her maybe once each time she visited, but for a very short period of time.

Since my first conversation with her about her drinking when I was 12 I have had a total of 7 talks with her and have gotten nowhere. I tried helping her and told her I would go to the meetings with her. I would do anything I could, but when someone will not admit there is a problem and will not accept help there is noting you can do.

I basically had to completely distance myself from it all to keep from always being upset. I have lost any connection to her. I do still love her, but at an arm's length.

This is getting long so I will do it in two parts. Part 2 will be up tomorrow.

12 comments:

  1. My MIL has a drinking problem. There are times when she quits for long periods but starts right up again. I guess it runs in her family. Scares me to death thinking about leaving my child in her care because you just never know...

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    1. Oh Megan I am so sorry you have to go through that. My MIL had a drinking problem too. After a bunch of us had a talk with her about how worried we were it took a little while, but she got help on her own and she is doing so well. I know when we tell her she is going to be a Grandma that will be a huge push to keep it up.

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  2. my dad, grandpop, all uncles, bascially all men in my family have been alcoholics. and, eventually, they have all found sobriety. but they didnt get there by me or other family members talking to them about their problem. they got there by wanting to change themselves, which usually happened after the rest of the family decided to stop trying to change them and started refusing to save them or get caught up in their drama and started holding them at arm's length like you are doing with nana f.

    i hope for the best for you. perhaps try dropping in an on ala.non meeting, maybe you'll here something that helps you, maybe not. take care lady!!

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    1. Yea the whole Dad's side of the family drink too much. Most are alcoholics. We don't see them much anymore especially since my Poppy died. He was kinda the glue that was holding us together even though he was an alcoholic too. I never heard of those meetings, but I think it's time for me to just step away. I have so much more on my plate now and it's time to put me first. Thanks!

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  3. Alcoholism is a rough disease, one that affects the entire family through the generations. I'm so sorry you and your family as dealing with it.

    Jak suggestion about going to an Al-Anon meeting is a good one. The sad truth is that your grandmother isn't going to get better unless she decides she wants to. But that doesn't mean there isn't support for family members nor that you have to suffer silently.

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    1. Yea I never heard of those meetings and they probably would have been awesome years ago. Unfortunately now I have lost a lot of emotion toward her and the whole situation. I'm not really suffering anymore. I have stepped away to save my heart and sanity. Thank you for the support!

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  4. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this at such a young age and even into adulthood. I have had similar struggles with someone close to me...not with drinking but with over eating, depression, and just an unhealthy, damaging lifestyle. Not to mention the drama, bad choices in friends, and even worse choices in men.

    Thinking of you.

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    1. Thanks Sams! I'm sorry you are going through that with your close friend/family. Those "silent" diseases are so difficult. Praying for that person in your life.

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  5. I'm so sorry you have and had to deal with this. The decision to step away is so hard. Sometimes you have to just do what is best for you, and that makes you strong. Always remember that.

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    1. Yes, I realize how strong I have to be to step away and put me, my hubby and babies first. Thanks Kat!

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  6. I'll defer a longer comment until part 2, but I'm so sorry that your family has had to deal with this. My uncle was an alcoholic and was abandoned by the whole family ... I tried to keep in touch with him because I wanted to let him know that he was loved, even if he was sick ... I think that deep down, he appreciated that, even if he couldn't show it.

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  7. Thanks Justine. I have been thinking about keeping in touch with her just over the phone and not seeing her. I don't know if it's the hormones or just the thought of my babies, but being around her now having my own children to protect is opening up some old and now new wounds. Even though I want her to know she is loved, because I do love her still, right now I can't do it. Maybe after the babies are born. We will see. I'm gonna be talking about it with my therapist. Major shit always goes down when she is away LOL!

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