When I was younger my church had a prayer/comfort shawl ministry. The ladies would get together a few times a month to knit, crochet and quilt shawls for people going through medical procedures, grieving after a loss, in a time of stress, during an illness or recovery, for prayer or meditation or for a celebration. I always loved the idea. A prayer is said for the person receiving it before you start and you think about that person while making it. The shawl was meant to wrap someone in love. Comfort them and know they are not alone. Someone is thinking of and praying for them.
A couple of months ago my psyc and I were talking about how I have a need to take care of others. I put everyone else before myself in just about everything I do, even in my hobby, crocheting. Everything I make I give away. Blankets, teddy bears, purses, hats, scarves and so on. Everything I have made has been for someone else. I realized I have not kept one thing! She gave me a challenge. Before I started the next baby blanket (it would be my 3rd in 5 months) I was to pick out yarn and make something small, quick and easy for myself and actually KEEP it. I told her I don't need anything. She wasn't taking no for an answer. I was told to think about it and tell her what it would be by the next week.
I was stumped. I didn't need anything. I have winter hats and scarves. Making a teddy bear would just upset me at this point. It took me all week and out of nowhere I thought of the shawls. How I loved the whole idea of them. My mind went straight to who I would give it to. Then I yelled at myself, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MAKING SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF!" So I tried to think of something else to make.
The shawl kept popping back into my mind.
"I kinda want one, maybe someone in the church still makes them.
I will ask later I gotta figure out something to make for myself.
hmmmm...I could make one for myself.
NO! That's stupid and kinda selfish.
Yes it is!
yea too selfish."
I went back to my psyc and she asked me what I was making. I had settled on a hat. She could tell I wasn't too happy about it. I told her I don't need anything. She told me to stop saying I didn't need anything and and asked if there was something I wanted. The shawl popped back into my mind so I told her about it but quickly ended with how it was stupid and extremely selfish to make something for myself that was meant to give away. She asked me how it was selfish to make something for myself that could help comfort me. I didn't have an answer. Maybe it wasn't as selfish as I thought. I talked it over with her some more and decided to make one.
My thoughts were that I was going to have it with me at my Dr appts. Something to make me a little warmer when I am half naked on those cold tables. Something to hold onto and squeeze when something the Dr does gets uncomfortable. Something to catch my tears if I get upset. Instead of a big shawl I made a wide scarf.
I went to the craft store to pick out yarn. I decided I would start with the pomegranate color and just go crazy from there. I wanted it to be fun yet comforting. I said a little prayer before I started and got to work. While I crocheted I thought about my journey and my future. It was relaxing and kinda healing.
I haven't had any appts since I made it, but I wear it often as a scarf. When I think too much or get ahead of myself it is something I can hold on to and make myself calm down. Tomorrow is my big appt with the RE to figure out our IUI plan. My shawl with be with me every step of the way.