Tuesday, January 24, 2012

negative

I'm ok. After being ridiculously nervous I think I just felt good having an answer. Being scared of any type of pregnancy test, I was very tempted to just skip the beta and wait for AF to show or symptoms.

I have had a few tears well up, but I can't seem to really cry. I probably won't till I tell someone in person which will probably be my psyc on Thursday. I don't think I am going to be telling people IRL. I don't want a pity party which is what it will feel like from people who just don't get it.

You guys get it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the wonderful comments. For thinking of us, being excited for us, hoping and praying for us. All the wishes and crossing of fingers and everything you can cross LOL. I really appreciate it. That doesn't seem to be enough thanks, I just don't know what else to write. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze as tight as you can...that is from me.

The tears are starting to flow now as I write this and it feels good.

I think I will be ok because right after being told it was negative I was told to refill my clomid and ovidrel and call with CD1. We will be doing it all again as soon as AF shows up. It kinda snapped me into next step mode. I know I am ready for the next try and I am going to put all of me into it again, but I know I need to grieve. I need to cry. It's been about 9 hours since I found out and I think my mind is finally going to let me. I know the Hubby is upset it didn't work, but he is very matter of fact. This didn't work so lets try again. We kinda just hung out today. Didn't talk much. I think I am ready to talk now.

Thank you Charlotte. I read what you wrote right after I found out and it really helped me. And I wish Purcey had thumbs so I could teach him to write :)

"No matter what tomorrow brings, the sun will still come up in the morning - and when it does, you and your husband will be on the next step of your journey together."

This has been our journey song over the years. I am going to be listening to it a lot over the next few days.


28 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I wished it would work for you! I'll keep my toes crossed this cycle ;)

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  2. Well that just sucks! Hopefully they'll get your combination of medicines tweaked just right that this cycle you'll conceive. I hate those disappointments. I'm thinking of you and may just cry for you tonight.

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  3. Oh man. I'm sorry it didn't work! You are strong and have made it this far, I know you guys will achieve your dreams. I hope you start feeling better about it soon. You're in my thoughts!

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  4. Oh no. I am sorry it didn't work this time. It's good that you are still allowing yourself to look forward even on this sad day. Your journey song is great for that (even though the video itself is terrible and at the same time kind of hilarious). A hug back to you and your husband
    - Dorrie

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    1. yes the video is terrible and hilarious! What is with the random little girl?

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  5. :( I am so sorry. Let the tears come. They really are healing and will make you feel better. I also got (somewhat) bad news tonight and didn't even realize I was crying on the way home. It will happen. For both of us. I promise. :)

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  6. I am so sorry it didn't work. I'm glad you have your husband to lean on and to help you maintain you resolve to move forward. Don't worry about talking to people if you don't want to. I hope the next cycle is a successful one.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this news - and honored to find myself quoted. Hang in there, and be well.

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  8. I'm so sorry. You'll beat this. I'm here if you need me!

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  9. Ahhhh love I have been thinking about you all day. I am really sorry. The first one bites the hardest. Thinking of you and sending you hugs. xxxx

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  10. ugh, I'm so sorry :( :( :( It's good to hear you're going to allow yourself time to grieve, but then get back into "next step" mode.

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  11. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time around. Do something to pamper yourself, hug your hubby, and regroup. Thinking of you.

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  12. I know how you are hurting. I've been there. You take the time you need to feel sorry for yourself so you can truly pick yourself up and start again. I found that when I really allowed myself to have 1 night of a "pity party", I felt so much better and it was easier to forge ahead. Thinking of you. And thanks for the hug. :)

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  13. I'm so sorry it was negative. But I am glad you already thinking next steps with a full hopeful heart. That helps. Big hug!

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  14. Oh, honey. I'm so sorry! But I love your attitude and I know that your BFP is coming...and I can't wait to send you a blanket. Big, huge hugs.

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  15. I know that feeling of disappointment, but love how you are moving forward. Keep that smile and the faith!!

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  16. I'm so sorry, Emily! I'll cry with you (tears are already coming!). It's 100% to be sad and cry and have a not so good day about it, there are other days to be happy and optimistic.

    I just read your "about me" page (surprised I hadn't read it earlier). You're DH is a lot like mine. He doesn't like to play the what if game. haha. And I love Purrcey. Kitties are great!

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  17. Hi from ICLW.
    I am so sorry this wasn't it for you. Having a down day is 100% ok. There are good days and bad, and I think it's wise to let them be what they will and keep pushing through no matter which they are. Hoping this next cycle is yours.
    MM

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  18. Oh Emily - I'm so, so sorry about this! Like everyone has said, it's ok not to be ok. Take whatever time you need. I saw a quote once that said, "A bad day is not a relapse and a good day is not recovery." Just know that all these emotions will come and go, sometimes out of the blue. So don't beat yourself up for grieving. It's necessary, unavoidable but also therapeutic to let it out. We're right here with you friend! Sending you a giant hug back!! xoxo

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  19. I'm so sorry hon. :-(
    Sending a huge hug your way.
    (oh, and please do the blood test)
    xoxo

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    1. That was the blood test. I don't POAS. I'm scared of them.

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  20. I wish I knew what to say. I'm glad you are holding up ok and I'm still holding out hope for your next cycle. Big hugs!

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  21. I'm sorry to hear :( You do need to take the time to grieve, but I agree that it's nice to know you're already starting on the next cycle. Try to keep your spirits up!

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  22. I just found your blog today. I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I know how you feel because I had a similar experience this month. Hugs and babydust for you!

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