Saturday, May 26, 2012

a bit of a mind dump

I just wrote this because I felt like I needed to brainstorm and get my thoughts and emotions together. After I wrote it I realized how all over the place it is. Just wanted to warn you.

Ok, I am done being negative. I'm sorry for being such a downer the past couple posts. It's not me and I have to stop. I'm depressed and thinking about it makes me even more depressed. It's a vicious cycle. I need to get out of this funk! I just don't really know how to do it. I know I need to keep busy and do things I enjoy. Maybe making a list might help. Lists are always good. (I realized after I wrote everything it turned out to be a half list mind dump, sorry)
  • I spent some time with my Mom yesterday. Our relationship is slowly getting better. We talked about how I have been feeling and she could obviously tell I am depressed. We decided we both need some motivation. Since starting treatments I have slacked off a ton on housework and other projects. My Mom and I are making a plan to get together twice a week, once at her house and once at mine, to motivate and help each other get things done. Anything that needs to be done whether it be housework, organizing the house/garage or other projects. I think it will be good for both of us to spend time together, I will have some company and we will get things done.
  • Even though it's difficult sometimes to be making blankets and things to give away I always find I am really happy while crocheting. I relax, focus and I see the fruits of my labor come to life right in front of me. I need to start another project. My cousin K who is due in October hasn't registered and has no clue how she is going to decorate. She is not finding out the gender so I will make something neutral, but I still want to match her decor. So, I have to wait for that. I need to find a crochet project to focus on while waiting to start hers. Any ideas?
  •  I have a couple of books I want to read. A friend who battled IF and now has an absolutely adorable little girl, sent me a book that helped her through her journey. She wanted to pass it along to help another person and when I am done with it I will probably pass it on too. Also, I won a copy of Ordinary Miracles by Krissi @ Stress Free Infertility. I want to get reading. Maybe I will crack one open today.
  • The basic landscaping around our house is done and it looks awesome. There are always things to add, but that will come in time. Right now I am finally able to enjoy my yard. I have more living things to take care of. I check on my plants often and I am determined to be out there all the time. I am going to post soon about that with before and after pics.
  • Speaking of posting, there have been a bunch of things I have been meaning to write about.  I need to get back to it. I enjoy it. Maybe I need to do another month long challenge. That was fun.
  • I still feel totally detached and numb about this cycle. I think it's a good thing for me right now. The Hubby keeps telling me to focus on the the end result. Our child. Without even trying that's exactly what I have been doing. I have caught myself many, many times daydreaming. Not just little thoughts, I'm talking full on daydreams where you zone out and like in a dream you can see everything right in front of you. I have been dreaming about my baby shower exactly how I would like it, sitting out in lawn chairs with our little one watching the Memorial Day parade that passes right in front of our house each year, running through the sprinkler in the yard with our kids (yes, with an S as in multiple), walking around the baby store and registering, decorating the nursery and so many more things. I just randomly zone out. I'm not really thinking about the end result like it will happen this time, more just in general. It will happen, sometime. I haven't been thinking about the cycle much at all other than making sure I get the injection at the correct time and go to my follicle checks. Even then I kinda just ignore it all. I think I will take my list and have choices of things I can do each day to make me happy. Enjoy days again rather than focusing so hard on having a baby.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and thank you so much for all your wonderful, caring comments. They really help me get through.

I think today the Hubby and I will go out to get some pretty flowers and fill the long flower boxes my Mom gave me. They attach to the railings. And maybe some flowers in a big pot on our stairs. I want to make our house pretty instead of the eyesore it has been for a long time.

I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend!

11 comments:

  1. I'm glad that you are doing something that will help change your mood. I often finds ways to distract myself. I call it sanity survival.

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    1. It definitely is sanity survival.

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  2. Thinking of you always... doing things you enjoy can definitely make a difference and hope it brings you some peace for this cycle. I always find it hard to stay motivated and hopeful... but don't forget that we're all here for you and cheering you on too. You're very clever to be able to crochet... I've always wished that I could do that. Love to you always xoxo

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    1. Thank you. It is always nice to know I have friends here standing behind me. You should get a beginners book and learn. You can also watch videos on YouTube to learn.

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  3. I understand your depression completely! I also want to find a new month long challenge for the month of June...let me know if you hear of any! I might just have to make up my own!

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    1. I will look around I was maybe thinking of a music one. If you make up your own let me know I will do it with you.

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  4. I'm so sorry for all you've been through lately. I think your plan to get together with your mom sounds like a wonderful one. I wish I lived close enough to my parents to do something like that every week.

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    1. Yea I think we will get a lot more done together. Thanks.

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  5. I'm like you with the blankets and baby-related projects: there are times where it's bittersweet, but I do love seeing the end result. Still, it gets old after awhile. Hence there are times where I do put down the needles, though usually it doesn't last too long.

    I understand where you're coming from with feeling depressed. Infertility is hard. Very hard. Depression comes with the territory. But I think you're plan to meet up with your mom is a good one. Sometimes distraction is the best medicine.

    Hoping you have been having a wonderful and fruitful weekend.

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    1. You are right, trying do put down the project doesn't last long. It always seems to suck me back in.

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  6. Don't feel bad for not feeling your best and letting those emotions out here. We're all here for the ups as well as the downs, and sometimes, getting negative thoughts out there and out of your system helps you make room for better feelings.

    I'm glad you're opening yourself up to taking on new projects, and I also think your new attitude of distancing yourself emotionally from some of the day to day infertility things will be helpful. Do whatever you have to do for you!

    I'm interested in seeing what your new crocheting project will be. My mom has been trying to teach me off and on over the years, and I keep saying that I'm one day going to buckle down and learn enough to MAKE something. So far, I'm still just admiring things that other people make from the sidelines :-)

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It is always exciting finding new comments! I really love knowing you were here!

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