Saturday, May 19, 2012

i want more than just ok

AF is a cruel, cruel bitch! As I was getting ready to head out to B's baby shower I felt the cramps start. I put a pad on. On the drive there it started. Come on now! Seriously? You had to show while I am going to be at a baby shower?!

*sigh* *starts to sob*

The shower was beautiful, but there were a few times I had to hold back tears. Watching everyone swarm around her belly. Seeing her open all the gifts. The little girl outfits made me melt.

I caught myself daydreaming many times about my own shower. I personally don't like attention on me. It makes me nervous even if it's a good exciting thing. I was shaking my whole bridal shower. (our wedding I was fine, the Hubby keeps me calm) Even though I know I will hate all the attention, I can't wait for it to be my turn.

I want to be a crying nervous wreck with my family and friends all around me, rubbing my belly and feeling my little one kick. (I know I won't have a problem with people touching my belly) I want to be balling my eyes out reading the inscriptions in the books that are given, knowing soon the Hubby and I will be reading them to our baby. (my family writes in books and gives them instead of cards) I want to open a cute outfit and lay it out across my belly. I want to play the guess how big my belly is game. (none of my cousins and friends wanted that because they didn't like their bellies) I want it all.

*sigh* *blows nose and blubbers a little more*

I know I will be ok. I always am. We will carry on. For a long time I was striving to be just ok. Getting there was a big deal. Now that I am getting there easier I want more. I don't want to be just ok. I just don't know how to get there. Well, maybe I do. I have been slowly working on being happier, but first have to take the next couple of days to climb my way back to ok. I'm kinda at the bottom right now.

Is it strange that dreaming helps me out of this hole? Like right now I am holding one of the little outfits that I put aside for our baby. It upsets me and helps me at the same time. I am probably gonna drag the Hubby out tomorrow to see What to Expect. I know it will also upset me, but I want to see it so bad.

Sorry this post was all over the place. I am so behind on reading posts. I will hopefully catch up tomorrow and Monday.

35 comments:

  1. Don't apologize :) ((((HUGS))))) I know that feeling all too well. Cheers for a better tomorrow. and let us know how the movie is if you go see it! I want to see it too, but I don't think I have the courage right now.

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    1. Thanks. I will write about it soon. Hugz to you too!

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  2. I cannot wait for you to have your shower. I imagine it will be everything you've dreamed of and more. I have had many a day dreaming session imagining what mine will be like. <3
    I'm with you, I think dreaming is the only way we can keep trudging through. I am also guilty of looking at all the baby gear I want online, I even have a wish list started. :)

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    1. I can only imagine what my family will have up their sleeves. They know what I am going through to get pregnant and my friend told me not to long ago that she will be personally holding a parade in my honor when I get pregnant. Lol! I have helped so many friends and family with their registry that I have mine complete in my head.

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  3. It amazes me how many pregnant women don't "like" their big belly. I am so jealous of those big bellies, stretch marks and all. Sending you hugs and hoping tomorrow is a better day.

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    1. I know! I'm gonna totally show it off and anyone who wants to rub it can! Thanks for the hugz! Back at ya!

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  4. Oh Emily. I'm so sorry that AF came. So very sorry. I know you want more. I want more for you too. I want to you to have the baby shower you've been daydreaming about. Want you to be in that wonderful place. And I hope that day comes very soon. Hugs and love to you.

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    1. Thanks you for your sweet comment. Hugz back to you.

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  5. Big hugs Emily. Sounds like a very difficult day indeed. Wishing you better days ahead.

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  6. Af really is a bitch. Sounds like she went out of her way to be extra bitchy this month! I know exactly how you feel with wanting all of those things. When the time comes, it'll just make it that much more special.<3

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    1. Yes she sure did! I keep saying that to myself and that is the 1 comment from my family that doesn't upset me and makes me smile because it is so true.

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  7. Totally understandable how you feel. You are better than I am. If AF had shown up I would have turned around and gone back home.

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    1. I was tempted but I stuck it out and stayed the whole party. I'm pretty proud. Thanks.

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  8. Ugh I'm sorry. I can't believe that AF showed up like she did. You deserve more!!

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    1. Thanks hon. She is such a stupid bitch! Lol!

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  9. Oh Emily, I'm so sorry that it didn't work out, I was praying so hard. I want so badly to help you celebrate pregnancy too! What terrible timing for AF....though no time is a good time, but that really stinks! (((HUGS)))

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    1. Those words made me smile. Thinking about celebrating my pregnancy.

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  10. Worst timing ever for AF, you were brave to get through the shower. I know in my heart you will be having your own shower in the future. Big hug.

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    1. Thank you. I had to, she is a very good friend and I wanted to be there for her. Hugz to you too.

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  11. *hug* I am proud of you for sticking it out with the shower. Pretty crap timing on AF's part :/ If we were near each other, I'd take you out for some booze. *hug*

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  12. Oh man, I'm so sorry. I know your time will come - I don't know how, but it will! (And P.S., I used to attend bridal/baby showers and get through them by fantasizing about how much better mine would be... as in, I liked that game, I hated that one, those appetizers left things in my teeth but the other ones didn't... it's really petty, I know, but it kind of helps you get through the day!)

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    1. Thanks Charlotte. That is a really good way to get through it. I just think about what I want and don't want.

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  13. That is terrible. I'm so impressed that you still went to the shower and I know it'll be your turn someday. I will admit that I refused the guess how big my belly is game (thankfully since I ended up not being pregnant by my shower) because I didn't want people touching me. I have space issues. Also, they could have cheated by reading my blog.

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    1. Thank you. I was tempted to turn around, but I couldn't let my friend down and I had to deliver the blanket.

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  14. Sweet em I am so sorry. Hang in there my love. That blanket is beautiful xxx

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  15. Oh hun... I'm so sorry :( You are so brave to go to the baby shower... such a good friend. AF is s bitch... she certainly knows the absolute worst time to show up !! Thinking of you and hope the next few days bring you some peace... OK is good at times like this xoxo

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    1. Thanks. Now that I think about it I am pretty proud that I got through.

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  16. I'm so sorry. The timing of AF is horrible to begin with, let alone on your way to a baby shower.
    You'll be there one day.
    Love from ICLW

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