AF is a cruel, cruel bitch! As I was getting ready to head out to B's baby shower I felt the cramps start. I put a pad on. On the drive there it started. Come on now! Seriously? You had to show while I am going to be at a baby shower?!
*sigh* *starts to sob*
The shower was beautiful, but there were a few times I had to hold back tears. Watching everyone swarm around her belly. Seeing her open all the gifts. The little girl outfits made me melt.
I caught myself daydreaming many times about my own shower. I personally don't like attention on me. It makes me nervous even if it's a good exciting thing. I was shaking my whole bridal shower. (our wedding I was fine, the Hubby keeps me calm) Even though I know I will hate all the attention, I can't wait for it to be my turn.
I want to be a crying nervous wreck with my family and friends all around me, rubbing my belly and feeling my little one kick. (I know I won't have a problem with people touching my belly) I want to be balling my eyes out reading the inscriptions in the books that are given, knowing soon the Hubby and I will be reading them to our baby. (my family writes in books and gives them instead of cards) I want to open a cute outfit and lay it out across my belly. I want to play the guess how big my belly is game. (none of my cousins and friends wanted that because they didn't like their bellies) I want it all.
*sigh* *blows nose and blubbers a little more*
I know I will be ok. I always am. We will carry on. For a long time I was striving to be just ok. Getting there was a big deal. Now that I am getting there easier I want more. I don't want to be just ok. I just don't know how to get there. Well, maybe I do. I have been slowly working on being happier, but first have to take the next couple of days to climb my way back to ok. I'm kinda at the bottom right now.
Is it strange that dreaming helps me out of this hole? Like right now I am holding one of the little outfits that I put aside for our baby. It upsets me and helps me at the same time. I am probably gonna drag the Hubby out tomorrow to see What to Expect. I know it will also upset me, but I want to see it so bad.
Sorry this post was all over the place. I am so behind on reading posts. I will hopefully catch up tomorrow and Monday.