Tuesday, May 22, 2012

i went backwards

Thank you for all the beautiful comments about the blanket. I am very proud of it.

I haven't gotten back to ok yet. In fact, I think I went backwards. I fell down the hill and hit hard at the bottom. I have broken down many times over the past couple of days my eyes are constantly burning. I told the Hubby I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I realized I am not as strong as I thought I was and it hurts.

In between cries I feel numb. My head doesn't want to do anymore, but my heart (and the Hubby) is pushing me forward. I know I will be forever grateful to him when something finally works.

He sent me this text today as I was crying at the office (for CD3 bloodwork and U/S):
We just need to stay strong and motivated... Just think of the end result - a baby that's 1/2 you and 1/2 me - we can't stop moving forward and doing what we need to do to make it happen - stay strong and I'll support you however you need.
I love that man.

Tonight I start 75UI of follistim.  My head is still not in it. It may never be. I will just be going through the motions and probably cry my way through the cycle.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way and writing this when there are so many of you out there going through such horrible things right now. I have read more heart breaking posts in the last few days than I can handle. Beautiful women dealing with the heart break of not seeing a heartbeat and going through a MC or D&C. I can only imagine what you are feeling and half these tears are for you.

14 comments:

  1. Hello from ICLW! What a lovely blanket! Your husband sounds so sweet. :-) Sounds like you and I are on the same day of our cycle. Today is CD3 and I have my baseline tomorrow since I couldn't get in today. I am looking forward to following your story. :-)

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    1. Thank you. He is sweet. Cool that we are on the same day. I will have to check out your journey.

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  2. Just saw your blanket and it's beautiful! You are so talented! Emily, you are as strong as you think you are. You are still here, still trying, and still finding positivity even when you are down. Having wonderful husbands pick us up when we can't continue really helps, too.

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    1. Thanks Audrey. I think right now him picking me up is the only thing that's keeping me moving.

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  3. Oh your husbands text has me in tears. Don't be afraid to step away for a few months and give yourself some time to regain control over your life and your happiness. In the meantime, I know it is so hard, but try to remind yourself what may be waiting for you at the end of this cycle. You are so muh stronger than you think, we all are. Lean on us as much as you need to...thinking of you, hang in there!!

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    1. Thank you so much. I think I will definitely need a break after this cycle. My Hubby reminds me often of what could be waiting for us and right now I need those reminders. I really don't know what I would do without you guys.

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  4. Don't worry! Its ok to be numb about it! On my last cycle I was so tired of it all that I just went through the motions, pretty much detached from it all. It is hard and all that matters is that you go through the steps. Keep your head up. You are stronger than you think you are to keep moving (even if your hubby is pushing you part of the way!) We all need a little push sometimes to get through the hard parts! HUGS!

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    1. I think he will be pushing me and probably carrying me the whole way. I think being detached and numb is a good thing for me right now.

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  5. Your hubbie's text was just beautiful. And he is absolutely right! Please don't give up even though it is so hard. I don't like to be prescriptive but can I suggest perhaps a couple of counselling sessions for you? It sounds like you are quite burned out (similar to how I was feeling earlier this year) and just talking about it and getting your feelings off your chest might do you the world of good. B x

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    1. I see a therapist once a week have been since August. She has helped me tremendously. I'm scared to think of where I would be without her. I have been thinking about doing a session with my Hubby soon. He has gotten a little better at communicating, but maybe a little help would do some good. Thanks for the suggestion. It's nice to have people care how I'm feeling.

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  6. Thinking of you hun... and want to give you a big hug. This is such a hard road and so unfair. Your husband sounds so supportive and we're all here for you too. I always find it hard to get going with the next cycle when my heart is breaking... sending you love and hope from afar xoxo

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    1. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

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  7. The blanket is absolutely amazing but what a sweetie your husband is!

    Sometimes we just go backwards.... I actually think everyone struggling with IF goes through the stages of grief....

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    1. Thanks hon. Yea I totally believe that too.

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