Friday, August 31, 2012

the ultimatum: part 2

Please read part 1 if you missed it.

So, where was I?

Oh yes, I have basically distanced myself from Nana F for my own mental and emotional health.

About 4 months ago, after her last marriage failed she decided to move back here. The only person who would sort of take her in was my uncle and my Mom. She was staying with my uncle during the week and my Mom on the weekends.

After 31 years of dealing with her shit and only keeping a relationship with her after my Dad died so she could have a relationship with me, my Mom decided to try and help her again. She got her set up with food stamps, enrolled in a waiting list for senior housing and made sure she ate instead of only drinking her meals. She tried to play peacekeeper and urged my uncle and I to give her another chance. She seemed to be doing well, getting things in order and following the rule of no drinking at my Mom's house.

I cautiously spent time with her, making sure I picked her up early and kept her away from any alcohol. I actually had, dare I say it, a good time with her.

That didn't last.

She showed up drunk to my Birthday party, started sneaking and hiding alcohol around my Mom's house and wasn't treating my Mom well anymore.

My Mom gave her 1 last shot and was going to take her on the trip to Florida so she could go to Dr's visits and meetings with lawyers and such. My Mom asked if I would go too, but I said no because I didn't want to spend that much time with Nana F.

So they went on the 2 day drive and when they got there all hell broke lose. Nana F had hidden open bottles of alcohol in my Mom's car for the trip down. My Mom let her drive once on the way and when she asked Nana F to stop speeding, Nana F proceeded to yell at my Mom and tell her she can do what she wants. She hung around and ruined my Mom and brother's vacation and visit with her parents, Moma and Popa. Drank 2/3 a bottle of wine herself and hit on my Popa in front of friends and family. Never went to her appointments and meetings which was the only reason she was going.
There is lots more shit that happened, but I can't remember it all right now.

On the last night my Mom was done. She informed Nana F that she was going to be searching her bags before they left because my Mom was not allowing any alcohol in the car. Nana F flipped out. Yelling at my Mom and then Moma and Popa that she can do whatever she wants and she has done noting illegal or immoral. Called my family evil people and a whole bunch of other things that my Mom didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to upset me. My Moma and Popa never yell and they actually got fired up. My Mom was very worried about them because they are 80 and 84 and both have heart problems. Nana F told them she didn't need anyone and that she would get home by herself. My Mom was planning on telling her that anyway. She then walked out the door and disappeared walking for 4 hours. She obviously found a bar because she came back drunk with a police officer. She apparently told the police officer she was being abused by her family. The officer knew she had problems and it was confirmed by my Mom and Grandparents when he returned her to the house.

Even after all this my Moma was nice and offered Nana F dinner. Her response was a very nasty no and more yelling.

After all this is when my Mom called me and told me what went on. She said she was going to drive home alone. Moma, Popa, my Hubby and I were all worried about her driving 2 days alone with my handicapped brother, so my wonderful Hubby suggested I take a early flight the next day and drive back with her. So I did. 

The next morning Nana F did her usual next day apologizing and thought everything was fine and she would be driving back with my Mom. She was told how wrong she was.  Nana F told my Mom the she needed her to drive back with her because of my brother and how she had done her a huge favor by coming in the first place since no one else would drive down with my Mom. My Mom informed her that I would have gone. When Nana F asked why I didn't my Mom told her the truth that I didn't want to spend that much time with her. Of course Nana F didn't believe her and called her some nasty things. So, she was being driven to a rental car place and she was on her own. She could drive back, get a flight or take a bus, but she was not going with my Mom. Nana F was dropped off by my Moma and Popa down the street at a rental place and that was it. My Mom picked me up from the airport and kept driving.

Now, we know she is sick and even though we had to give her tough love, we are not heartless. We kept in touch with my uncle and made sure she got home safe. Which she did. She has made the drive from Florida many times.

So, it was the last straw for my Mom and family. Nana F was told to never contact my Mom or her family ever again. She is done.

I have basically been done with her for 12 years. Maybe not completely, but mostly.

In about a month when I start telling most of my family about the babies I am going to have a long conversation with her. Tell her the truth about the past 12 years of our relationship. Remind her of all the conversations we had, tell her all the things she has done and tell her she has a disease and needs help. I will make sure she knows I love and care about her and want nothing more than for her to be healthy and happy, but I can't have a relationship with her if she doesn't get help.

I will be giving her an ultimatum. Either she gets help or she will not have a relationship with me or her Great Grandchildren. And that will be that. She can contact me when she is getting help and not before. If the thought of not ever knowing her Great Grandchildren doesn't  really make her think and realize she has a problem then there is nothing more I can do. To tell you the truth I don't have much hope that it will do anything.

My children will not go through what I had to. They will have better.

Thanks again for reading. Getting it all out really helped me.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

the ultimatum: part 1

I want to thank you ahead of time for reading my venting about my family. I have been dealing with this for a very long time and things finally came to a point where something drastic needs to be done. I know everyone has their own opinions about how to deal with family and you can go ahead and state them if you would like. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion and I respect that. I don't judge others decisions because I know I have not been through what they have. I just need to get this out there to get it out of my head. A way to release the bad.

So, as you know I went on a last minute trip down to Florida to drive back with my Mom. First let me give you dome background. I apologize for it being so long. There is a lot to get out.

The family member I will be talking about is who I call Nana F. She is my Dad's Mom. She has been an alcoholic for a long time. There is also some mental illness there too. When my Dad was 11 and uncle was 6 Nana F abandoned her children and went off to Florida to do her own thing. My Poppy (Dad's Dad) and his second wife who I just call Nana took care of them and raised them from then on. Even though Nana is not blood related, she has always been and will always be my real Nana.

When I was a kid Nana F was that super fun, outgoing, crazy happy Nana. The one who always acted like a teenager and knew how to have a good time. It was great when I was young and didn't know that she was like that because she drank all the time. I didn't see her a lot since she lived in Florida hopping from husband to husband. As far as I know there have been 6 total.

Anyway, I really started seeing how she truly was when I was about 12. She would mix her drinks into a water bottle or a glass and try to pass it of as just seltzer or juice, but everyone knew what it really was. I talked to my Mom about it all. How I didn't like how she was acting. It wasn't fun Nana F anymore and I was actually scared and didn't want to hang out with her alone especially if we were going anywhere. I didn't want to drive with her. Even before I stated my concerns, my Mom knew and never let her drive with me in the car.

In the next few years I kinda stepped back from my relationship with her. Being around her upset me. I was scared for her. I knew she was sick. She really started getting sloppy and most of the time spent with her she was completely sloshed. Slurring her words and never remembered any conversations we had. I talked to her about her drinking and how I was worried about her. I loved her and wanted her to get help. She acted like she cared about what I was saying , but I guess was drunk enough to not remember any of the conversation.

When I was 17 and just got my license she was visiting and we went out to eat to celebrate, just her and I. I don't remember why I didn't have my car, but Nana F drove. On the way out I had a serious conversation with her. I asked her if we could have a nice lunch out just the two of us with no drinking. She told me she understood and she promised. We went out to one of my favorite places which unfortunately had a small bar in the back. A little while into lunch she went to the bathroom. As soon as she was gone a little longer than was normal I knew where she was. I got up and walked toward the bar around the corner and there she was downing a glass of wine. I went back to the table, pissed and upset and waited for her. She came back with a full glass of wine in her hand so she had at least one and was starting her second.

I told her how upset I was that she was drinking after just promising me she wouldn't. All I got from her was "don't worry about it" and "it's just a glass of wine". I told her to give me her keys and she refused. So, I got up and took her purse and stole her keys from her. She was not driving. I put them in my pocket and quietly finished my meal. When we were done I drove her home and called someone to pick me up. It was the summer and she was visiting for a few months. I didn't talk to her at all for the rest of her trip.

That was 12 years ago. Since then I have kept my distance to keep me emotionally happy and healthy. I still talked to her on the phone, but 99% of the time she was slurring her words and never remembered we ever talked. She would call and ask why it's been months since we talked even though I had just spoken to her a week prior. I would call her for holidays or her birthday and leave a message, never get a call back and find out a week later that she called my Mom saying she was returning her call. My Mom would explain to call me, but she was too drunk to understand. I would see her maybe once each time she visited, but for a very short period of time.

Since my first conversation with her about her drinking when I was 12 I have had a total of 7 talks with her and have gotten nowhere. I tried helping her and told her I would go to the meetings with her. I would do anything I could, but when someone will not admit there is a problem and will not accept help there is noting you can do.

I basically had to completely distance myself from it all to keep from always being upset. I have lost any connection to her. I do still love her, but at an arm's length.

This is getting long so I will do it in two parts. Part 2 will be up tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

7 weeks: now meet squirt

Hi all! Surprised to see me? Me too! I got back late last night, earlier than I thought I was supposed to so I didn't have to change the day of the U/s!!! It was a tiring and sometimes aggravating trip, but it is over and I am home now. I will talk about it a little bit in the Misc. section.

Now onto the big news. We are having twins!!!! As soon as ol' wandy went in we could see 2 sacs with with a little blob of a baby in each and their hearts beating away! Dr G used the doppler in the U/s and we heard both heartbeats. That is the most amazing sound ever! I almost missed Roo's because I was still in shock and so excited that there is a baby in the second sac! My mind was racing and I was in my own world for a min. New U/s photo is up on the Roo & Squirt page! I think I will be doing belly shots every other week.

So, where did we come up with Squirt? Actually it was all Hubby. While I was putting my pants back on after the U/s the Hubby was staring at the U/s photo smiling ear to ear. When he showed it to me he pointed to Roo and said "Roo", then he pointed to the baby on the baby on the left and said "Squirt". I looked at him and smiled. It was perfect. I asked him how he came up with it and he shrugged. "I don't know, it just came to me". He did confess tonight that it in fact was the turtle from finding nemo, which I figured because he always loved that character. I actually gave him a little Squirt stuffed animal when we were dating. It will be going in the nursery! I also think it's perfect because that baby is smaller and our little Squirt.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 7 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before my IUI I was 206. I was away a couple days and completely forgot to weigh myself this morning so I have no clue.

What's going on with the babies?: Roo's little heart is beating away at 176 bpm and measures a little over 8mm. Squirt's little heart is beating away at 150 bpm and is measuring a little under 8mm. (Dr G did measure them, but I didn't write down the exact numbers) According to where ol' wandy was facing, Roo is hanging out on my right side and Squirt is on my left. Dr G was calling Roo baby A and Squirt baby B which kinda blew my mind. I have an A and B in there!! The babies are starting to grow little arm and leg buds with flat paddle like ends. Our babies have flippers!

What's going on with my body?: This past week I started to feel more bloated. On Wednesday (6w1d) any time I was hungry I couldn't find anything to eat. Absolutely nothing sounded appetizing. Once I got it past my lips though I felt better and could eat it and then out of nowhere even if I wasn't full yet I had to stop eating because I felt that if I took one more bite I might feel gross. On Saturday (6w4d) I started feeling icky. No real nausea, but hunger would come on fast and if I didn't eat right away the ick would get bad. I was really good about eating all the time while on the trip so I didn't feel bad. Some uterine twinges here and there. My frequency of peeing has definitely increased. I have always had issues with constipation so I always only went every 2-3 days. I still go that, but it has actually gotten more comfortable while pregnant even if I go every 2-3 days. No stool softener needed!

What does the belly look like?: Still jiggly with some lovely bloat!

Maternity clothes: Nothing yet. Thank goodness I am still wearing my old jeans that are a little to big on me. Room to grow before I have to buy pants.

Movement:Nothing yet, entirely to early!

Sleep: My sleep has been really good. I sleep like a log and since Wednesday have been getting up once to pee around 3 am every night.

Cravings/aversions: No cravings, but absolutely noting sounds appetizing and I have to basically force myself to eat all day to keep from feeling icky.

Sex of the baby: Won't find out for a while. Hubby wants to and I don't. That might be a problem.

What I miss: At this moment absolutely nothing! Oh and I will not miss taking the giant horse pills called metformin! Dr G told me I can stop them! YAY! Wasn't fun gagging on them twice a day.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing our babies next Tuesday! I will be 8 weeks! That will be my last visit with Dr G and then I move back to Dr Monty my OBGYN at 9 weeks! Made the appointment today!

Mood: I have been so relaxed and happy this past week. There is lots of shit going on with my family, but I help where I can and everything else is not my problem so I don't worry about it. At my therapist appointment we figured out the right word for how I'm feeling. I'm content. It's an amazing feeling.

Milestones: We found out we are having twins and saw and heard both their heartbeats!

Medical concerns: Nothing

Sex?: It just keeps getting better!

Best moment of the week: Today seeing our twins and hearing their amazing heartbeats!

Hows Daddy?: Daddy is great! Seeing the smile on his face when we found out it definitely was twins and heard the heartbeats was amazing! I'm still not getting much from him when I ask about his thoughts and feelings from this past week. Just that he is happy. He was so sure there were going to be twins, that it didn't come to much of a surprise I guess. I do remember him confessing some time this week that he knows it's all real, but it doesn't feel like much to him yet because it's not going on in his body. Maybe he will have more to say once he sees movement on the screen and feels it touching my belly.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): It was so cute when the Hubby named Squirt. Just so perfect.

While I was away, even before we knew for sure we were having twins, Hubby was sure of it and when he said goodnight over the phone he said "I love you, all 3 of you". That totally made my day and made me cry a bit.

Nursery: Things kinda stood still this week in the room. Hopefully we can put the bed in this week for my FIL. We have time thank goodness, he isn't coming till the end of September.

Misc: We told my bestie and her Hubby this week. They were so happy and excited for us. They know our IF situation and everything we have been through. I hadn't told them about our last IUI so it was a total surprise. She showed me all the things I could borrow from her since they won't be having a second for a while. I told her today that it definitely was twins and if a text could talk hers would have been screaming with excitement. Makes think of a howler from harry potter, except excitement instead of yelling.

Onto the trip. It was ok. I did have a pretty good time with my Mom on the long drive, but I now know that 1 long day of travel is more than enough for me while pregnant. By the second day I was kinda grumpy and just wanted to be home, but we still had 9 hours of driving left. I did keep hydrated and my tummy full and happy so I felt great! Thank goodness so I was able to hide being pregnant. Thank you for all your tips about traveling. They really helped!

I was a total grump and very tense by the time I got home. I took a shower and hopped in bed. I vented to the Hubby for a while while he cuddled with me and kept his hand on my belly. Then he helped me relax which was very nice of him ;)

I'm working on a longer post about all the shit that went down. I feel like I need to get it out and have you guys be a sounding board. It will be up in the next couple days.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

going to be afk till wednesday

Hello everyone!

Just wanted to let you all know I will be leaving in 5 hours on a last min trip till late Tuesday night. Unfortunately it is not going to be a fun one.

My Mom drove with my alcoholic Nana to Florida and major shit hit the fan. To the point where we may never talk to Nana again. It's a long story, but I basically lost my relationship with her a very long time ago after trying to help her for years and got nowhere. I don't have much in the way of feelings towards her anymore, haven't for years.

Anyway, she is being sent home on a bus and I am flying down to drive back with my Mom and Brother. My Moma and Popa (who they were visiting) are a little nervous about my Mom driving alone and I could tell she was too even though she said she was fine. So, I am being an awesome daughter and am going to be there for her.

I'm a little worried I will not be able to hide my pregnancy from my Mom since I will be driving for 2 days in the car with her. Just today out of nowhere I started to feel icky. No real nausea yet, but just lots of ickyness.

Please pray or send good thoughts that I feel good for the next few days. I will be packing lots of snacks and tums. Gotta keep my tummy full and happy.

I will also have to postpone my U/s for at least 1 day. It sucks, but it can wait. I will also have to be frisked at the airport since I can't go in the xray! YAY!! Kinda excited about that.

I feel bad I am going to be so behind on your posts. I'm sorry in advance.

So, please wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts.

Anyone have any travel tips for me?

Friday, August 24, 2012

purcey knew i was pregnant before i did

Purcey is a strange cat. When we first adopted him as a kitten he absolutely hated men. He would hiss, swat and cower away from any man that would come over. We would lock him in my room when we had company had to make sure he had a female vet. Until I started dating my Hubby.

He was the only man I had ever seen Purcey even hang around let alone hop right on his lap from day one and beg for petting all the time.

So when we got married and Purcey moved in with us Hubby became his favorite. Purcey went from being my cat and loving me to completely ignoring me! Seriously, he ignores me when I am home all day! I find him and pet him, but he gets bored of me and walks away LOL! Then comes out as soon as the Hubby's car pulls up and rubs all over him and meows acting like I have been ignoring him all day.

The Hubby jokes around when he picks Purcey up and cuddles with him. "Oh you poor cat. Emily is so mean to you and ignores you all day. You poor mistreated kitty."

If I am sitting on the couch he will hop up and sit on the other end. If Hubby is sitting on the couch Purcey is on his lap almost before he is sitting!

Another thing that I had never seen Purcey do before the Hubby, they talk to each other. Hubby meows at Purcey and Purcey meows back. It can go on for 45 min! So cute and funny!

Anyway, about 7DPO/IUI Purcey's attitude about me changed drastically. He stared following me around the house and rubbed against my legs. When I sat on the couch he would be on my lap right away even if the Hubby was sitting too. He was back to doing all the old things he did when he was a kitten. Licking my nose and ears and rubbing his face in my hair. He is so desperate to be on my lap that when I am at the computer he will squeeze himself under the desk on my lap and if he can't do that he will stand on his hind legs with his front paws on the arm of my chair and lick my arm.

We don't let him in our room at night because he usually knocks things off our dresser, so he has gotten used to it and never really came into our room even if the door is open during the day. Now, any chance he gets he is in the room following me or on the bed cuddling with me. When the Hubby opens the door in the morning Purcey is in bed cuddling with me in seconds!

At first we had no idea what the heck had changed in him. It was so strange for him to be acting this way. As soon as it was confirmed that I was pregnant we guessed that must be it. I had read something a long time ago that animals can totally sense hormone changes. I guess it's true!

I love having a super cuddly kitty again!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

6 weeks: meet roo

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!  As soon as ol' wandy was in I saw the yolk sac. Then, she moved a bit and I saw the little heart beating away! The most amazing thing I have ever seen so far! I squeezed the Hubby's hand so hard at that point and he looked at me confused. He didn't see it yet, but as soon as Dr G pointed it out he saw it and the smile on his face was huge! She gave me a pic, but she always seems to freeze it at the worst point. Such better shots on the screen. She didn't take any measurements.

Then she went digging around to see if there were any more amniotic sacs. Well, she found another one! We have 2 sacs in there, but she couldn't see anything inside the second one. It looks like Roo did at 5 weeks. We go back next Tuesday for a 7 week U/s. We will be able to hear Roo's heartbeat and see how strong it is and we will also check up on the second sac. See if anything shows up in it. Pics are up on the Roo page along with my first roll bump pic! :)

Oh, I should probably explain how we came about the name Roo. Right before my IUI I received a package in the mail from the lovely Dandelion Breeze. Along with socks and some treats she sent a little kangaroo with a joey in her pouch for good luck. Well, I now have a little joey growing in my pouch! Joey was a little too boyish so we went with Roo, boy or girl!

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 6 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before my IUI I was 206. At 6 weeks I am 206.

What's going on with the baby?: Roo is about 4mm (0.15 in) long and his/her little heart is beating away even though it is still only a tube. The neural tube should be almost completely closed by now. The placenta and umbilical cord are forming, but not being used yet. Roo is still getting all of his/her nutrients from the yolk sac.

What's going on with my body?: This week the lower back pain came back full force after I did some weeding on Wednesday. Then Saturday morning I woke up in the morning from a sharp pain going through my left butt cheek and my whole leg was pins and needles. I have had sciatica attacks before, but never like that! By Sunday afternoon the back pain went away again and hasn't returned. I have been feeling some pulling and twinges mostly on the right side. Could that mean our little being is implanted on the right? I really feel the pulling when I stand up after sitting a while. If I stand up too quickly the pain is sharp. Yesterday and today I woke up feeling completely "normal" no symptoms at all.

What does the belly look like?: Same as always, jiggly! The crease at my belly button between rolls might be getting a little more shallow. I don't know, could just be imagining it at this point.

Maternity clothes: Nothing yet. Thank goodness I am still wearing my old jeans that are a little to big on me. Room to grow before I have to buy pants.

Movement: No baby movement, but I'm gonna talk about gas again. My goodness I can feel it moving through every inch of my intestines and sometimes it feels like it's going to come out of my belly button!

Sleep: When I was having back pain earlier in the week I would wake up often, but now I have been sleeping great. Last night I had a few strange dreams. Most were stupid, but one was nice. I dreamt that we did a home birth and we had a baby boy.

Cravings/aversions: Nothing yet, Sunday night I was eating dinner and all of a sudden I hit a wall and knew if I ate another bite I might throw up. I didn't feel nauseous, and wasn't full yet, but just knew. Felt the same way at breakfast this morning.

Sex of the baby: Won't find out for a while. Hubby wants to and I don't. That might be a problem.

What I miss: At this moment absolutely nothing!

What I am looking forward to: Seeing our little Roo next Tuesday! We will also be looking at the other sac again to see if we find anything in there!

Mood: I was so relaxed and happy this week until Monday when I found out the Hubby was going away on a business trip. Then I started to feel kinda nervous about the U/s. Now I feel so relaxed and happy again!

Milestones: We saw a heartbeat!!!!

Medical concerns: None right now.

Sex?: Still good ;)

Best moment of the week: Today seeing our little Roo's heartbeat!

Hows Daddy?: He has been so calm and understanding dealing with my mood swings this week. Such and amazing Hubby and going to be an amazing Daddy! I don't get much from him about what he is thinking and how he is feeling about everything. I just know he is happy and excited.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): One of the times I was crying and I didn't know why I told the Hubby that I was sorry I was so emotional and I didn't know why I was crying. He chuckled, pat me on the head and said "welcome to pregnancy!"

Nursery: We need to move the Hubby's computer and take out a desk before we can bring a bed in. Gotta put some more stuff away and then I can get everything ready for when the Hubby gets back and he can move the desk and bed. FIL will be staying with us for a week in September.

Misc: I bought a book this week and I love it! Lots of pictures, computer generated and U/s and lots of information on the baby, body, and other things. It also goes over labor and delivery, the first 2 weeks of your baby's life and any complications and concerns. Great book! (This is my own opinion. I bought the book myself and no one is paying me to do a review)

Monday, August 20, 2012

only one more sleep

Till the U/s tomorrow and it can't come fast enough!

I was doing great all week. Calm, relaxed and just enjoying myself. Then Saturday came and I told the Hubby I wanted to skip the weekend and have it be Tuesday! He was happy I couldn't magically make us skip the weekend. I was still relaxed, but just couldn't wait to see our baby!

I was fine until a little while ago.

The Hubby texted me. Apparently he needs to go on a last minute business trip and leaves tomorrow! He did tell them he couldn't leave till the afternoon so he will be there with me in the morning at the U/s.

I'm really upset now and getting nervous. I don't think I would be this nervous if he wasn't going away. I'm not going to say it, but you all know the what if I am thinking. What if and then I will be alone all week! I have a feeling he would cancel the trip. I don't think he would leave me then. I wish he waited till after the U/s to tell me he is leaving.

I guess, also, I didn't realize till now just how how fresh some of the heartbreak from this community is still with me.

Deep breath.

I actually feel a little better just getting that out. Still nervous, but I think a little less.

Deep breath.

Doesn't help that I feel like I have no control over my emotions right now. Maybe that's a good sign? I started to cry yesterday when the Hubby went to get himself a bagel and didn't ask if I wanted one. I told him he needs to be more thoughtful and ask me if I want something like I always ask him. LOL! I can't help but laugh at that now and call myself crazy! Yes sometimes he just thinks of himself, but it wouldn't bother me and I would NEVER burst in to tears! Sheesh! LOL!

Ok I am going to end there because now I am laughing at myself! Just need to keep this up for 17 more hours!

Gonna go keep myself busy! Maybe I will tell the Hubby we are going out tonight!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

2ww - 5 weeks

Some people may say I'm naive or stupid or I will jinx it if I post things too early, but I feel relaxed, happy and blessed that I feel so good about everything and truly believe we will see a heartbeat on Tuesday. If God forbid something does happen then we will cross that bridge when we get to it. There is always a little bit of nerves about it all, but I am trying to not go through this pregnancy nervous, worried and scared something is going to happen. The truth is, it is out of my hands and if something does happen there is nothing we can do about it. I am doing everything in my power for this baby. Eating right, exercising, but not strenuous, taking my prenatal vitamin and loving on our little one. That is all I can do.

I decided to back track and post my 2WW symptoms and week 5 to keep track for myself and for anyone else who is interested.

I tried so hard to ignore my 2WW and did a very good job of it, but there were things I just couldn't ignore. I was busy and didn't have time to sit around and look for and obsess over possible symptoms, which I have done in the past. I only wrote down things that struck me as strange and not normal for me. My nipples are always sore 3DPO on so I didn't put any of that.

7/28- 4DPO dream, pm period like cramps and soreness, bloated

7/29- 5DPO pelvic muscle burning feeling like UTI but not, bloated

7/30- 6DPO didn't sleep well, dream, bloated

7/31- 7DPO didn't sleep well, lower back pain

8/1-8DPO woke up a lot at night from lower back pain, twinges, slight pain behind belly button, brown CM

8/2-9DPO woke up a lot at night from lower back pain, lower abdomen soreness felt like I did a million situps

8/3-10DPO  dream, woke up a lot at night from lower back pain, lower abdomen soreness, little pains behind my belly button and down when I cough or sneeze, pelvis feels full, Today I am totally convinced that I am pregnant!

8/4-11DPO dream, woke up a lot at night from lower back pain, twinges, pains behind my belly button and down when I cough or sneeze, Today I feel less hopeful.

8/5-12DPO dream, woke up a lot at night from lower back pain, lower abdomen soreness, Hope is back Totally convinced I'm pregnant!

I stopped writing things down after that. I think it was a combination of that I got really busy and I was just so sure that I was pregnant. I felt completely different than any other cycle. Something about this cycle was perfect. Everything seemed to fall into place and I had the best feeling it was going to work.

Week 5 - Just going to write down what I can remember from that week.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 5 weeks.

Total weight loss/gain: The day before my IUI I was 206. At 5 weeks I was 206.

What's going on with the baby?: Our little being is 2.5mm (0.09 in) long and looks like a little tadpole.

What's going on with my body?: My progesterone is normal so I don't need prometrium. The lower back pain has finally subsided a bit just today. Feeling like AF is coming and I get a pulling like pain behind my belly button every time I cough or sneeze. Very runny nose and a little post nasal drip. Nipples are very sore and boobs are tender now to. I was constipated in the beginning and then it turned to, as The Cornfed Feminist says, mud butt.

What does the belly look like?: Same as always, jiggly!

Maternity clothes: Nothing yet. Thank goodness I am still wearing my old jeans that are a little to big on me. Room to grow before I have to buy pants.

Movement: Does gas count?

Sleep: Sleeping a little better now. The lower back pain has let up a bit and doesn't wake me up when I move at night. I don't have as many vivid dreams. I have been going to bed earlier than usual and waking up at 6 with my Hubby, ready for the day.

Cravings/aversions: Nothing yet, but I am less indecisive when it comes to what I do want to eat.

Sex of the baby: Won't find out for a while. Hubby wants to and I don't. That might be a problem.

What I miss: To be truthful. Rolling over in my sleep and not being woken up by extreme lower back pain.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing our little being's heartbeat on Tuesday at 6 weeks and hopefully giving him/her a nickname.

Mood: So excited, happy and blessed to be pregnant! I have been pretty relaxed and calm except for one emotional breakdown where I got worried if we could handle more than one baby. As of the first U/s at 5 weeks there is only 1 in there, but my RE thinks there may be another one hiding.

Milestones: We found out I'm pregnant and saw an amniotic sac at 5 weeks!

Medical concerns: If the lower back pain comes back full force I may go get it checked out. I think mine might be so bad because of the nerve damage I have in my lower back and upper butt from breaking my tailbone years ago.

Sex?: Pretty darn good actually! Being happy and relaxed after 3 years really makes a difference! And, I am liking the extra blood flow down there. Very nice!

Best moment of the week: Finding out we are pregnant and then seeing the amniotic sac!

Hows Daddy?: So excited and happy and a little relieved at finally getting here.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): When we got the positive pregnancy test, after hugging me, he called our cat, "Oh Purcey! You are in big trouble! I don't think you are going to want a little brother or sister!"

A couple days before we found out he could tell I had a feeling I was pregnant. He gave me a hug, grabbed me around the waist and jokingly said "If it makes you feel good you look fatter and pregnant to me." I burst out laughing.

The day we found out he told me "See! I told you you looked fatter and pregnant!"

Nursery: The future nursery is our computer room and junk/catch all room. We need to clean it out and organize so we can put a bed in for FIL who is coming in September to stay for a week. It will be nice to have a clean and organized blank slate to plan and decorate for our baby.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

going out of my elephant

I have never been one for change and trying new things. I was always a picky eater and hated every time we moved an I had to go to a new school (it happened a lot). I had the things I enjoyed doing and was scared to try new things and meet new people.

About 2 years ago something in me changed. I have no idea what it was, but I decided to mix things up. Maybe I was tired of being in a rut or tired of being scared. I have no idea.

It all started when I went out to lunch with my bestie. For as long as I can remember I wouldn't eat fish. I don't know if it was the smell or what, but I probably hadn't eaten it since I was a very little kid. I told my bestie I decided I was going to try new things and was going to start with food. I was going to stop being a picky eater and try everything at least once. Fish was a good start.

So, when she asked me what I was doing to order I said "I am going to go out of my elephant and order some tilapia!" She started to laugh. Yes my friends, I said elephant instead of element! And we both never forgot it!

I ordered the tilapia and loved it! From then on I was unstoppable. I tried everything that I thought I hated or used to hate. Brussel sprouts, love them! Mushrooms, still not my fave, but I will eat them now. Olives, love them on pizza and in salad! Chickpeas, can't get enough falafel and hummus! Bananas, still have issues eating them, but only some times and it's a texture thing. I used to not eat hamburgers or if I did they had to be well done. I cant get enough of them and I get them medium now. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

Every time I went out to eat with my bestie she asked if I was going to go out of my elephant today. We would both get a good laugh and it would remind me to try something new. Rarely was I disappointed.

After the food I decided to move onto trying other new things. I decided to get back into crocheting after not doing it for almost 10 years. I was worried I completely forgot how and to this day new patterns get me a little nervous, but I seemed to still have a handle on it and with each new pattern I get more confident.

I always hated writing in school because I wasn't very good at it. I would pass my classes, but I never got awesome remarks on my writing. So, when I found blogs and a bloggy friend suggested I start one I was scared out of my mind. Who the heck would read anything I wrote? Who would even understand anything I wrote? After thinking it over a bit I remembered my little challenge to myself and the thought going out of my elephant gave me the courage. I was so nervous, but I wrote my first blog post. Some days I still think, what the heck am I doing writing? But then I remember how amazing this community is. Meeting new people was something else I was scared of, but after laying my hopes, dreams, emotions and quirks out on my blog and people still read my posts, like me, support me and want to meet me. It's amazing and uplifting.

Now, I try new things all the time. I'm not scared anymore. I take risks and most of the time they turn out great.

All because I went out of my elephant.

When was a time that you went out of your elephant and it turned out to be a great thing?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

prayer request

A very close family friend, he is as close as an uncle, was just diagnosed yesterday with leukemia. He will be starting chemo today. He needs to be closely monitored because the leukemia has apparently already attacked his kidneys and heart and once he starts chemo things can get much worse before they get better.

Please send prayers, good thoughts, light or whatever you do for him. He doesn't have any kids of his own and I know he will be a great uncle to ours just as he has been to me. Praying so hard he sticks around to meet our little one.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

looks like there is/are...

When Dr G walked in the room all I heard in an excited high voice was "Emily! Emily, you're pregnant!" She is so happy and excited for us! She validated about how long we have been trying and how many IUIs we did and how we were finally here! As she was getting ol' wandy ready she swore up and down that there are 2 in there because my beta is so high!

Wandy went in and we saw a sac! I smiled so big my face started to hurt. She took a pic and went searching for more. She searched for a bit and said she only saw 1. Then she said she still believes there might be another in there that we just can't find right now and we might next week at 6 weeks. The Hubby was shocked. He was bracing himself for three!

So, as of now it looks like we are having 1. I go back next Tuesday at 6 weeks for another U/s. We will be looking for a heartbeat and according to Dr G possibly another sac.

I can't stop looking at the U/s photo. There isn't really anything to see just a slightly dark blob of a sac. But this is the first physical evidence that I have a little being growing inside me and it's just amazing! I keep remembering what I saw on the screen. She got a really good clear black shot of it after she took the pic, but didn't take another pic. I will put this pic up in another tab. I know there isn't much to see, but I am really excited about it and I want to!

I'm sitting here in complete awe. I'm pregnant. This is really happening!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

the pattern

There is this little pattern that has manifested in my family over the past 2 years. I desperately wanted it to continue with me and I guess I was a little superstitious about it so I didn't say anything to you guys. Well, the pattern continued!

Here is the pattern.

My cousin T was 5 weeks pregnant at cousin C's baby shower. Great grandchild # 4 and 5.

Cousin V was 4 weeks pregnant at cousin T's baby shower. Great grandchild # 5 and 6.

Cousin K was 4 weeks pregnant at cousin V's baby shower. Great grandchild # 6 and 7.

And now I am almost 5 weeks pregnant at cousin K's baby shower! Great grandchild # 7 and 8 or more.

I don't know about you, but that gives me chills!

I went to K's baby shower yesterday. When I first walked in I was surrounded by swollen bellies of her friends and in laws. I reverted back to my old IF self just a little bit. That old wave of panic came over me and I averted my eyes from all the bumps. A minute later I felt a twinge and realized I'm pregnant too!!! I was pretty good the rest of the time. It was so nice not having to take a breather and go cry by myself. Which I usually did at every shower. I still had my sweet little note from Mel's book (Navigating the Land of IF) in my purse, but I didn't need to take it out and read it this time.

I did have to use my poker face and apparently I was pretty good. I guess I seemed like my usual self and my cousin T asked me if I was ok like she usually does at anything baby related. I told her I was ok and kept up the act.

I spent the whole shower daydreaming about my own shower! It was amazing!

All 6 great grandchildren were there, the 7th in K's belly, and we lined them all up on the chairs and took lots of pics like we do every time we all get together. Absolutely adorable! I kept thinking about next spring/summer how we will be adding K's baby and mine to the pics!

I'm sorry I am so behind on reading and commenting. I guess my busy 2WW has continued. I feel like I haven't been home in days and when I do get home I go straight to bed. Running out again today. Hopefully I will be home early and be able to relax, read and comment. I miss all of you! The withdrawal is killing me!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

beta #2, twitter and other things running through my brain

I am going to do bullets because my mind is racing all over the place on so many different subjects.

  • Beta #2, 16DPO/IUI is 1152. It more than doubled so I'm happy! I go back Tuesday the 14th for more bloodwork and an U/S this time! We should be able to see how many are in there!
  • I am so overwhelmed by all the comments on my last post! I have read every single one of them over and over and feel so blessed to have amazing people like you around me. I know how excited and happy with tears of joy I am when a fellow blogger is pregnant. Seeing you guys happy for me the same way completely blows my mind. I really wasn't expecting all that. THANK YOU so much for all your beautiful comments and all your thoughts and prayers. I am keeping them so close to my heart.
  • After thinking about it for a long time now, I have finally decided to join "The Twitter" Since I started blogging I have heard so much about twitter. How everyone is on it, all the conversations you have and how it's just awesome. So after meeting up with some awesome bloggers in NYC (I will eventually get to that post) and hearing all about it again, I signed up. Just did it last night and I kinda feel like my great grandma trying to use a computer. I have no idea what the heck I am doing! I managed to basically set things up and follow some bloggers I know. I understand if you want to talk to someone or tag (don't know the lingo) someone you put there @ username in the tweet. Can someone answer this please? What is with the #? I think I heard it's called hashtag? I have no idea how that works. Sheesh! Kinda jealous that Betty White knows all about this and I don't LOL! So anyways my username is @ ablanket2keep. I have not tweeted yet and I have no idea what I am going to tweet about, but I will get there.
  • Yesterday the Hubby and I went out for burgers for dinner. As we are eating Dr G my RE walks in with her kids! It was one of those moments where you think it's someone, but your brain is confused because you are seeing them in a different place. She saw me and said Hi and I said Hi back. I wanted to run up to her and tell her it worked, but I was good and left her to her family. I haven't seen her since the IUI. Oh and her kids are adorable!
  • I had my first mini pregnancy meltdown last night (that didn't take long) In the moment I felt like I had absolutely no control over my emotions and it was so crazy. This strange wave of panic came over me and I started to really ugly cry. I ran into the room where my Hubby was on the computer and in between the sobs said something along the lines of "What if there is more than one in there? Can we handle that?" The Hubby looked at me and I could see he was laughing a bit thinking oh boy here we go LOL! He calmed me down and went over all the things we had talked about in the past regarding multiples. "If there is more than one in there then we will be blessed even more" That makes me cry every time I think about it. I know we can do it.
  • Please don't be angry at me. I am really trying to not sound "smug". I feel so blessed that I am finally pregnant. I know how blessed I am that I have not experienced a loss. I can only imagine the heartache. I have only been on this IF journey for 3 years and 6 IUI's. I know there are so many who have been through more. Like everyone here I know too much, I know what could happen. I don't want to be scared and I don't want it to take over. Maybe I'm still naive, but I have so much faith that I will have a baby in my arms at the end of this pregnancy.
  • I wanted to let everyone know, I don't know when, but at some point I will be doing weekly updates and post pictures. I am going to follow in the footsteps of amazing bloggers and have a separate tab for the pics and the updates will have the week update title so if you don't want to read it you don't have to click on it. I totally understand not wanting to see pics and read bumpdates. For me 99% of the time I loved them. They gave me hope and pregnant bellies just make me smile, but there were a couple times when I just couldn't. Days where they upset me. So I put them aside and went back when I was ready.
  •  I do promise that there will be more than just pregnancy updates. I want to continue talking about other things. Please bear with me though for a little bit. My mind is reeling and sometimes the fact that I am pregnant is all I can think about.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


I just want to shout it from the roof tops!!! but I won't because 1) it is entirely too early and 2) I don't think I should be climbing up on my roof! I will just have to shout it here then!


Holy crap did those words just come out of my mouth?


I keep saying it over and over again and it still doesn't feel real.

I need to get this all down now before I forget.

So when we woke up this morning the Hubby still hadn't given me a straight answer. To pee or not to pee? So I stood there in the bathroom trying not to pee myself while he mulled it over. He was worried about us having a false either way. I finally told him all the symptoms I have been having and he finally said "Let's do this!"

I knew I had tests in the drawer, but didn't know what kind. I found a digital CB and one of those stupid EPT blue plus sign ones that I guess came with OPKs. I peed in a cup and dipped the digital. I felt so confident while doing it. I just felt so good about this cycle!

The Hubby asked me how long it takes and I told him the directions said within 3 min. Well not too long after I said that the hour glass disappeared and PREGNANT showed up. I gasped, pointed at it and said OMG! We looked at each other with our mouths open. I quickly grabbed the other one and dipped it. Sure enough as my pee was making it's way across the stick the plus sign showed up right away! Those 2 sticks are still sitting on the bathroom sink and I love looking at them every time I go in there!

I started to cry and the Hubby gave me a big hug. I don't remember much being said. I was crying and Hubby was grinning ear to ear. I do remember a whisper in my ear "3 years in the making".

He went off to work and I went to have my beta drawn, 14DPO. I couldn't stop smiling the whole way there, during my test and home. Then, when I got home the nerves hit which had me running to the bathroom quite often. My intestines don't like me today.

I sat and crocheted for what felt like an eternity and at 1:30 I couldn't take it anymore. I called my nurse. As I started to talk I started crying, asking her to please give me my results because I got a positive at home and I couldn't wait any longer. She was so sweet like always and told me to hang on.

When she came back on the phone I heard "Well, you definitely are pregnant! Beta is 460! Congratulations!" I started crying again. I asked her if she thought there was more than one in there and she told me maybe or I could just have a really strong one in there. We would find out in a couple weeks. She told me to come back Thursday, 16DPO, for my second beta. I thanked her over and over and hung up.

I texted the Hubby and told him the number. His text back made me cry.
"That is absolutely fantastic! Our 3 years of trying are paying off! I love you beautiful and can't wait for you to be a mommy!"

I AM a mommy. I have a little being growing inside me right now. I know there is no guarantee, but I am not going to live in fear. I can't promise I won't be scared if something happens, but this little being deserves every bit of me no matter how long he/she is with us and he/she is going to get that.

Hello little being in there. Please grow big and strong and stick around for a long time. We have been praying for you for so long and already love you more than you will ever know.

THANK YOU THANK YOU everyone for all your prayers, good thoughts, good luck, crossing of fingers/toes/eyes, thinking of me and all the hugz! IT WORKED!!!

Monday, August 6, 2012

not as calm as you think

Warning this is a bit all over the place.

A bunch of people commented on how calm, cool and collected I am during my 2WW. Well, I totally was until today.

I'm totally freaking out! Maybe not totally, but more than I would like to be. "Oh there you are crazy infertile! Long time no see!"

Tomorrow is my beta and the Hubby was supposed to take a half day so he would be home when we get the results. Earlier today he was told he had to be in a mandatory 2 hour meeting right around the time they call. He will only get home maybe an hour before he usually does.

Friday I was walking around completely positive that this worked then Saturday I felt like we were out. Yesterday and today I have been a grump. I'm mad at myself for googling today and looking at others posts right before their BFP. I have not googled since before my first medicated cycle in December and was so proud of myself! Not anymore. I have been writing things down about how I feel each day since the IUI just for my own reference trying really hard to not look for symptoms and I think I did a very good job of that. There are a few things I can't ignore and can't blame on progesterone pills because mine was normal and I didn't need to take prometrium. I need to just stop thinking.

The truth is I can't tell anymore if I really think it worked or if I want it so bad that I am making myself think it worked. I have never felt like this before and it's driving me insane.

I still have hope that it did so I need to stop thinking it did and just have hope. (does that make sense?)

I guess I'm just freaking out because this is our last shot before IVF and it would be nice to not have to do it.

So, I have 2 choices. I either POAS tomorrow morning before the Hubby goes to work and we can be together for whatever it shows OR I don't POAS, go for my beta and get the call alone. The Hubby hasn't given me a straight answer yet.

Still completely scared out of my mind of POAS!

Damn it girl calm the F*#$ down!

I wish I had a little window with a gazillion times zoom option attached to my uterus so I could see whats going on at all times.

Don't really like myself right now for writing all this, but it's the truth of how I'm feeling.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

what i've been up to and the giveaway winner!

I just realized I haven't done a substantial post since Monday! Remember when I said my 2WW was going to be busy and awesome? Well, it has been just that. Super busy and uber awesome. I feel like I haven't been home in 2 weeks! Visiting old friends, meeting new ones, lunch with family, sewing with MIL and so many other things. These 2 weeks have flown by so fast which is so great for me. I still have a few days left, my beta is Tuesday. I have a few posts I want to write so hopefully I can get to them now that my days have slowed down a bit.

For now though I want to thank everyone for the Birthday wishes last week and draw the winners for my giveaway. Thank you everyone for entering!

I used a random number generator. And the winners are...


Lady Bug gets first choice on which prize she would like. If both of you could please email me with your address and Lady Bug please send me your choice. My email can be found in the contact me tab.

Friday, August 3, 2012

send your love

Please go send lots of love and Hugz over to Trisha @ The Elusive Second Line. She just found out at here 10 week U/S that her little MB (maybe baby) didn't have a heartbeat. My heart is breaking for her.
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