Monday, January 30, 2012

i'm sorry...edit

EDIT: I am going to put the pics back. I still do not want to upset anyone, but I really like the pics I had. I think the clomid really heightened my feeling of guilt. Feeling guilty is a big problem for me and I don't think I should be feeling guilty for this. I need to work through it not just "fix" it. I hope you all understand.  From now on I will not be editing my posts.

Original post:
I want to apologize for the pictures in my last post. I stupidly didn't think and put pictures of baby's feet sticking out of the blanket. I guess I was just thinking it wasn't belly or US pics which I would never post on my main page. I apologize to anyone I may have upset. I should have put a warning. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I changed the picture.

crochet show & tell: baby blankets

When I was born my Nana crocheted me a beautiful yellow blanket (they didn't know if I was a boy or girl) I grew up with that blanket. It wrapped me in the love of my family. Comforted me when I was sad. Protected me in the middle of the night when I was scared. It was a cape, a tent, even a Christmas tree skirt a few years and so many other things. I kept it on my bed most of the time and it never really left the house. That blanket survived 25 years and many repairs till it was just too far gone. I got rid of it only a few months before I got married.

I loved my blanket. It was very special to me and even though I don't have it anymore I have wonderful memories of it. That is what I want to give when I make a baby blanket for someone I love. Something special they can hold onto for years and make memories like I did. I can just picture Little L running around the house with his blanket cape flapping in the wind. Or Little Z building a tent and crawling under with his books and a flashlight. I make all the blankets about 3' by 4' a good toddler size so they can grow with it.

Making a baby blanket for someone I love makes me so extremely happy. It is also extremely emotionally draining for me. I put my heart and soul and usually some tears into them. It is difficult because I can't wait to make a blanket for my own child. Have them experience the comfort and all the fun things I remember.

The first baby blanket I made was back in May for my Best Cousin T's baby shower. She is like me. We really appreciate hand made things and even more if they were made by someone we cared about. She had said to me once that she wished Momma could still crochet so I knew she would love a blanket for her baby. I chose a pastel blue because she was going with blue and green for Little L's nursery. She was so surprised! I think what made it even more special is that I made my first blanket for my Godson. He uses it all the time.
Piggies in a blanket! I just love when they stretch their toes out all funny!

The second blanket I made was in July for my Bestie N. Her and her Hubby lovingly call it the "Blanket of Epic Deceit". I didn't tell N that I was crocheting again and she had no idea I already made a blanket for T. While N and I were out shopping I asked her to stop by the craft store with me. I told her I decided to surprise T with a blanket for newborn Little L and I needed help picking out yarn. N was having a blast putting together colors she loved and thought T would like too. Little did she know she picked out the yarn for her own blanket LOL! Over the next month I crocheted the blanket right in front of N. She kept telling me how beautiful it was and how T was going to love it! Boy was she surprised when she opened it at her shower! She couldn't stop crying. They have wrapped Little Z in the blanket since the day he came home from the hospital. It is so great getting text pics of him and his blanket every once in a while.
Do you see the pink and other specks in the white? N loved it even for a boy. I think it is cool too!

The most recent blanket I made for my Cousin V. I love her and wanted to make her a blanket, but I was in a pretty bad place and was still kinda upset from our August visit. To make it easier on me I kinda separated myself from the blanket. I didn't pick the colors and it wasn't a surprise. In October when we visited again I told V how I wanted to make her one and it would be a great help if she could pick out the colors. I don't know why, but doing that helped me a ton. I was able to make the blanket and not get as upset. I didn't actually make it till December. Her shower was 2 weeks ago. She loved it and was still surprised even thought she knew she was getting it. I can't wait to get a pic of her baby boy and the blanket.
V likes a more modern look and she actually painted the nursery gray. For the blanket she chose Gray, Navy blue (looks black in the pic), Green and Orange. Sorry for the bad camera phone pic. I forgot to take a pic before I left so she texted me this pic.

After I take a little break I will be starting another blanket to give away to my friend B. This will be #4. I'm still a little upset, but I am excited at the same time. I don't think B has any idea I still crochet so she will be very surprised to get a blanket. I just have to wait and see if they find out the sex and see what colors they are picking for the nursery before I start.

Friday, January 27, 2012

pardon me while i dream

Thank you so much for all your comments. I really don't know what I would have done if you guys weren't here. Your support and just knowing I am not alone really made the BFN a little easier to take.

Yesterday was the Hubby's 31st Birthday! He likes a low key BDay. We usually go out to dinner most of the time with a gift certificate that was given to him and then some ice cream for dessert. So that is what we did. We both had a good time.

Not only was it is Birthday, it was CD1. (poor Hubby lol) The start of our next try. Before we went out, the Hubby got a little excited to show me something. He had gone out for Chinese food with his coworkers and got a really good fortune cookie.

Oh please oh please oh please I hope so! I kinda like that he got this on his BDay and CD1!

Ok, I don't know about you guys, but after TTC for almost 2 1/2 years every CD1 I can't help do the math and find out when my due date would be. I know, I know it's probably not a good idea, but I can't help it. Well this time I would be due November 1st. Wanna know a secret? I have always dreamed of having a Halloween baby. Or even just around Halloween. Even long before the Hubby and I met. This could be perfect!

I got my clomid and ovidrel today. My RE orders it through a IF pharmacy that ships it overnight. From the start of your Rx there you always talk to the same person every time. They are so nice. Another thing they do that just oozes niceness...they include this packed with each delivery. I forgot to tell you about it last month.

Isn't that perfect!? A bag of chocolate! They really get it. Chocolate always makes you feel better! I prefer dark chocolate, but I will have a couple and share them with the Hubby.

Tomorrow is my CD3 blood work and that fun time with the magic wand while AF is here. Eww. We are staring again and I am psyched!

I gotta go. The Hubby, his best guy friend and I are going to grab some ice cream and go see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. Yes, that is right I am going to see a Disney princess cartoon with 2 guys! Another secret, It wasn't my idea LOL!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I'm ok. After being ridiculously nervous I think I just felt good having an answer. Being scared of any type of pregnancy test, I was very tempted to just skip the beta and wait for AF to show or symptoms.

I have had a few tears well up, but I can't seem to really cry. I probably won't till I tell someone in person which will probably be my psyc on Thursday. I don't think I am going to be telling people IRL. I don't want a pity party which is what it will feel like from people who just don't get it.

You guys get it and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the wonderful comments. For thinking of us, being excited for us, hoping and praying for us. All the wishes and crossing of fingers and everything you can cross LOL. I really appreciate it. That doesn't seem to be enough thanks, I just don't know what else to write. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze as tight as you can...that is from me.

The tears are starting to flow now as I write this and it feels good.

I think I will be ok because right after being told it was negative I was told to refill my clomid and ovidrel and call with CD1. We will be doing it all again as soon as AF shows up. It kinda snapped me into next step mode. I know I am ready for the next try and I am going to put all of me into it again, but I know I need to grieve. I need to cry. It's been about 9 hours since I found out and I think my mind is finally going to let me. I know the Hubby is upset it didn't work, but he is very matter of fact. This didn't work so lets try again. We kinda just hung out today. Didn't talk much. I think I am ready to talk now.

Thank you Charlotte. I read what you wrote right after I found out and it really helped me. And I wish Purcey had thumbs so I could teach him to write :)

"No matter what tomorrow brings, the sun will still come up in the morning - and when it does, you and your husband will be on the next step of your journey together."

This has been our journey song over the years. I am going to be listening to it a lot over the next few days.

Monday, January 23, 2012

beta tomorrow

 Thank you so much for your sweet comments yesterday. I really needed that.

So tomorrow is my beta. I feel numb right now. My nerves were shot most of the day with lots of nervous intestinal fun! Not fun.

I feel bad about this, but I think I am going to give myself a few days for whatever news I get to sink in. Time to either celebrate or grieve with my Hubby. Just be with each other. I PROMISE I will not be away for a long time. Who knows, maybe I will be feeling different come tomorrow. For right now I just want to be with him. I know if it is positive the Hubby will be wanting to shout it from the roof tops.

I will keep reading and commenting. Please don't be mad at me. I hope you guys understand.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

"symptoms" or lack there of

Ok so I am 2 days away from my beta and I am starting to freak out a bit. I really really really want this to work! I have gone back and forth feeling like it did and then didn't. I still have not googled anything and it is kinda driving me crazy now, but I promised myself I WILL NOT GOOGLE, so I won't. And I have goodled so much over the past 2 years that I should know it all by now! It's funny how much you forget when you are actually in the cycle.

I want to feel something. I want to know it worked. Right now I feel nothing and haven't really since 7-9 dp IUI. Between days 7-9 I felt little twinges in places of my pelvis I have never felt. I had some strange twinges in the sides my boobs and my nipples were a little sore. I actually woke up a little nauseous at 5:30 am on day 8. I took my temp to make sure I didn't catch something from traveling, no fever, took 2 tums and went back to sleep. I felt fine after that. I am praying the twinges were implantation! Please Please Please! Since those days I have felt absolutely nothing. My boobs feel normal too.

Well, yesterday after we were outside I felt all bloated and had that pelvic dull ache like AF was gonna come. She didn't come and it only lasted maybe 20 min. I was really gassy so I just figured it was that. Who knows.

I have read some of your past posts, your 2WWs to see what people have felt. I know everyone is different so I am not taking everything I read to heart. I just feel lost right now.

They Hubby decided to take Tuesday off from work to be with me. My psyc didn't want me to be alone waiting for the news and especially if it turns out to be a BFN. The Hubby thought it was a good idea too. I was also thinking along the lines of if we do get a BFP then I would want us to find out together instead of me waiting for him to get home from work. I feel crazy.

I am starting to get nervous and that turns my stomach and intestines into a wreck. Help!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

today was a good day

First I want to say HI to everyone visiting from IComLeavWe! I absolutely love this week! I love handing out Big Hugz and getting some in return. If you want to learn about IComLeaveWe you can read about it over at Stirrup Queens.

If you don't know me Hi my name is Emily! You can learn about me here. I am currently nearing the end of my first IUI 2WW! I go for my beta on Tuesday! If you would like to read my timeline you can do that here. And now onto my day.

The Hubby and I didn't do much of anything today and it was good. It was snowing most of the day so we were not going anywhere. We woke up late, ate breakfast and vegged out.

Is it just me or does something about snow storms make you hot for your Honey too? Since they IUI I have basically felt at peace with everything. We did what we could do and it is out of our hands. It is amazing what being at peace can do to the horizontal polka! I mean, WOW! These past 2 weeks have been sooo fun. Sorry if that is TMI, just on my mind.

So after some fun we vegged out some more. While we were in bed watching tv and dozing off the Hubby put his hand on my lower belly and gave a little rub. It made me smile. I don't think he realized he did this because he was half asleep.  I know he has so much hope that I am pregnant and the little things he does are just so sweet.

The snow finally stopped so we had to go out and shovel. If we didn't live on a big corner we would probably just leave it till tomorrow, but we have lots of sidewalk to do. The Hubby told me I could come out, but I wouldn't be doing much since I could be pregnant. He used the snow blower and I followed behind him and cleaned up any little areas that were missed. We only got 5 inches so there wasn't too much and it was pretty light and fluffy.

When we came back in we ate a late lunch/early dinner and vegged out some more. That is about it. It was good.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

thought vomit thursday

I am joining the Thought Vomit Thursday crowd today with a last min post. I'm gonna try some bullets so here we go!

  • Speaking of kitty hasn't been feeling well for a couple of months. He usually coughs up a hairball every couple months, but has been puking more often over the last month with no sign of hairballs. He is acting the same and isn't losing weight. I took him to the vet and they are running blood and other tests on him. While I was away Purcey was sleeping on the Hubby's chest and all of a sudden started with the gagging he does before he pukes. The Hubby tried to get him off in time, but it was too late. Purcey puked all over his crotch and down his leg! I told him it was good practice for when our children puke on him! LOL! He laughs about it now.
  • I am currently 9dp IUI and extremely proud of myself. I have not googled anything! I actually stopped myself from googling about a month ago so I wouldn't drive myself crazy. Don't get me wrong, I have had major urges to look stuff up, but I have stayed strong!
  • Last week my psyc gave me homework. It was specifically started to keep me in a good place if I do get a BFN, but is a good thing to do all around. Like a lot of you have done in some form too, she told me to write down 3 things I am thankful/grateful for every day specifically for that day and most importantly why I am thankful/grateful for it. They don't have to be huge, some of the stuff I have written down seemed insignificant, but at the time it was important to me and she says it's good. I think you should try it. Especially the why.
  • I have been pretty calm and relaxed (except for the shit that went down while away) since the IUI. The thought that keeps me going is "We have done everything we can, given it the best chance we got and now it is out of our hands" That has worked till this morning. I just woke up with no hope. I just feel it didn't work.
  •  Jules from The Road Less Traveled had a post yesterday about thinking about your future with "when" ranter than "if". In her post she talks about how she felt a panic attack coming on until she forced herself to imagine her "best future", being pregnant and in the 3rd trimester with a huge belly. It calmed her down and she fell asleep happy. After reading that I realized I have never allowed myself to imagine myself pregnant. Never have I dreamed of having a pregnant belly. She inspired me. I am going to picture myself pregnant while going to sleep tonight and pray that I have a pregnancy dream (which I have never had either) and wake up feeling better.
  • Last thing, to keep my mind off things and give me a good laugh during my 2WW I decided to watch Cheers from the beginning. I actually started while I was still on clomid. It has been such a good thing. I forgot how much I loved that show and how funny it was. Granted it started a year before I was born, but I used to watch it with my Mom when I was younger and watched reruns when I was older. Every time I hear the theme song the words reminded me of you guys and the IF community.
 Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,

and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,

people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.
You guys are my Cheers.

PS: I decided to get rid of disqus since blogger now lets you reply, hopefully I will like it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

another blanket 2 give

I just got back from my trip today. I thought it would be a relaxing fun time with family and be a good thing for my 2ww. Boy was I wrong. I am so mentally and physically tired I don't know what to do with myself. So I told you about the first fiasco of the progesterone pills and now I will tell you about what happened yesterday.

I got a text from my friend B. She is pregnant. 16 weeks along. We were best friends all through middle and high school and kinda drifted apart in college. We still talk, but don't get together very often. She knows how long we have been trying, but that is basically it. When she texted me she did it in the best way she could have. She told me she was pregnant and then talked about how scared she was to tell me. She also wanted to make sure I heard from her and not through the grape vine. She also told me she hopes we are doing well with our journey and that she thinks about me often and is praying for me.

I did totally break down. I had a little hissy fit and cried. I am not happy I handled it that way, but I think it was what I needed at the time. After I collected myself I texted her back. I told her the truth. I really appreciated how she told me and it was the best thing she could have done. I told her that I am happy and excited for her and please don't take it the wrong way if I keep to myself for a bit and let it all sink in. She told me she understood and can't imagine what I am going through and that is why she was so scared, she didn't want to upset me. We texted a bit longer and the conversation ended on a really good note. I am still upset, but I am getting through.

The first thing that came to my mind is that I am going to be making another blanket for someone else. I just finished the 3rd one a couple days ago! I know I don't have to, but this is my thing. Even though it is upsetting I really enjoy making something special for the people I love. I put so much love into them and I just have to do it. Seeing how much they appreciate it helps too.

I know I have lots of time before I really have to get started on it and I will definitely be taking a crochet break. I am not touching it till at least April. I'm pretty quick so I will have more than enough time.

I am so tired of all the stress and negativity I have gone through in the past few days. I promise myself right now that tomorrows post will be a better one and over the next few days I will finally get to doing a show and tell on the 3 blankets I have done because I have been wanting to for a while.

Thank you for all your love and support. You have no idea how much I appreciate you guys! I love you!

PS: I am still trying to catch up on all your posts. Between traveling and non of the blogs I follow showing up I am behind so I am going through from the list on my blog. If you have not heard from me in a while you will soon.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

i just want one thing to go easy for me

Hi everyone! I feel like it's been a month since I have been on and able to read posts. I am soooo behind on everyone's posts. I am not ignoring you! I have been running around then traveling, visiting family and a baby shower. I am still in North Carolina, but I finally got the chance to sit down and read and write.

Yesterday was my cousin V's baby shower. I have talked about her before. I haven't seen her since October and she is due in February so she went from an itty bitty bump to smuggling a watermelon. I thought I would be fine, but I wasn't. As soon as she walked in the door and I saw the bump this wave of panic swept over me. I kinda just mingled, ate tons of good food and had fun with my family. It was a nice party, just difficult. I think I did a pretty good job though, I didn't have to leave and cry!

I also think I held myself together very well because I was already on edge from Friday. Friday morning I went for progesterone blood work. I was told to expect a call around noon. I lost track of time running around and packing because we were leaving for the airport at 3:30. 4:00 rolls around and I was just going to call for my results when they called me while we were in the car. I was told my progesterone was low and they want me to take a pill. Since I was on my way to North Carolina I told the nurse I would call back in a min with the number of a pharmacy down there. It would have been nice if she told me she was calling while they were closed because I called back no more than a min later and I got the answering service. I left all the info and was told the on call nurse would call in the progesterone. So when we landed I called the pharmacy to make sure it was filled so I could pick it up on the way from the airport. Well, it wasn't filled and they had none of my info! I called the answering service again and told them this was my second call, it has been 4 hours since the first call and I was waiting for meds. They took my info again and said they would call it in. I called the pharmacy an hour later and there was nothing and they were closing for the night so I decided I would call back in the morning and it would be filled then.

I called in the morning and it still wasn't filled. I called the answering service again and yelled this time! Told them it was my 3rd call and I was supposed to start these meds the night before. They said all they could do was take another message. Talked to the manager and still all they could do was take a message and page the nurse. So that is what I did again. I got busy with decorating, setting up and then the party so I didn't get to call the pharmacy till 4 and guess what? No meds yet!!! I was furious!  I called the answering service again and was screaming at the top of my lungs in a back bedroom while there was still company telling them this was now my 4th call and I was supposed to start the meds the night before! I finally got a call back 2 hours later. The nurse was very nice and I explained everything to her. She apologized profusely and told me she had only gotten the last message. She also told me it was a new answering service and there have been a couple of complaints in the past 2 days and she will be putting in a big complaints for me. She called the pharmacy while I was on the phone and it was closed so I gave her another pharmacy that was open 24 hours and she called it in and apologized again for the situation. She was just so nice and reassuring.

I felt ok then. I would get the meds and start a day late. It would be ok. Just as I was going to leave to get them the pharmacy called and told me they needed a prior auth that would not get done till Tuesday or Wednesday since Monday is a holiday. At that point I completely broke down crying and hid in a bedroom. My Tante (aunt) saw me and tried to comfort me and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her because I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone I had the IUI. I know she knew we were having trouble conceiving even though I didn't tell her which is fine so she just thought the baby shower was too much for me. When she left my best cousins T and K came in to see if I was ok. I originally wasn't telling them anything, but ended up breaking down and telling them everything because I needed support from someone in person at the time. They were all excited and furious about the situation for me and told me if I had the money in my account then just I should just get the meds. They promised they wouldn't tell a soul and they would patiently wait for when I decided to tell them the results. I love those two!

I was texting the Hubby and he was telling me if this was going to be upsetting me so much then just go get the meds and we will do the auth after. The problem is it was $300! He kept pushing me to do it for my sanity because I promised myself I wouldn't google anything and in my mind if I didn't start the progesterone it could cause me to lose the pregnancy if I am. I didn't want to call the answering service again because who knows when or even if I would get a call back to ask! I gave in and got the meds. Started them last night and I feel so much better now. I am back to my basically calm self. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful understanding husband and family.

Wow, I just realized this was a long rambling post. I just had to get it all out. Thanks for reading. Now off to read all the posts I am so behind on. Having withdrawal again!

Oh, and I forgot to say I take the pills orally twice a day, but there is a chance they can make me dizzy so if that happens then I can insert them vaginally. I hope I don't have to do that.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Godspell was soooo gooood!

I wanted to send out a HUGE Thank You to Krissi over at Stress Free Infertility. I won 2 tickets to Godspell when she had her giveaway. She did a review you can read here.

I went to see it with my Mom on Tuesday night. It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING and just what I needed to start off my 2WW! I was pleasantly surprised when my IUI landed on Tuesday morning. I had something to look forward to that night and get my mind off IF, enjoy some time with my Mom and de-stress.

Our night was pretty crazy and would have probably stressed me out a bit in the past, but I was relaxed and nothing got to me. We only live a half hour outside NYC so we just took a bus to port authority. By the time my Mom got my Little Brother settled with the babysitter it was a little later than when we originally wanted to leave (4:30 instead of 4) but we knew we would still have time to get in and sit down to have a nice dinner. Yea, that didn't happen. We ended up not getting off the bus till 6:20! The show was at 7! There was tons of traffic. I have gone in many times before around that time and never experienced that much traffic. But it was fine, we got to do a lot of catching up on the bus (but she still doesn't know we did the IUI)

When we got off the bus it was a mad dash! 8 blocks to get to the theater! Nothing I haven't done before, but I was still cramping a bit from the IUI. I was still good. We were laughing the whole way and I wasn't worried at all that I was lowering my chances of conceiving from doing so much. It really felt nice to not worry. Is it bad that I am not worried?

Anyway, we got there and had a little time before we absolutely had to take our seat and we were both starving so we scarfed down a sandwich from a place across the street and then went in. When we asked if we could bring our waters in the guy said "Yes, as long as you don't turn it into wine!" LOL! If you watch the video above you will see the stage is round and surrounded on all sides by seats so there is not a bad seat in the place. I didn't pick up the tickets till we got there so I had no idea where we were sitting. I figured we would be up in the middle somewhere. NOPE! We were front row right next to the main ramp they used to get on the stage! The only thing in front of us was a main isle they used throughout the show and right in front of the stage were cushions on the floor where people sat too. Both our jaws dropped when we saw where we were sitting!

I absolutely loved how they had all the musicians, most of the time playing guitars, up in their own little spots in the audience and the piano was built into the stage and used to stand on during the show.  They really use the whole theater throughout the show, but we were really right in the middle of it. They were standing on the railings right next to us or dancing in the isle right in front of us. The man who played Jesus actually gave my Mom and I high tens! LOL! They brought people up on stage from the audience and had them play different parts. It was so cool! My Mom had seen Godspell when she was a teenager so she remembered all the songs and was singing along. She actually liked how they updated some of the songs and included modern references and jokes. I have been humming and singing the songs constantly.

The songs were so uplifting and the modern twist on the gospel was just amazing! I don't think I could have picked a better way to start my 2WW. I have seen many many musicals in NYC over the years and this one is without a doubt my favorite now. This inspirational musical was exactly what I needed to help me keep my hope in this cycle. It also gave my Mom and I much needed one on one time since our relationship has been on the mend. We had lots of laughs and she really appreciated that I took her.

After the show we walked the streets a bit, ate a dirty water hotdog which is always so good and shared a delicious peanut butter and chocolate cupcake from a popular bakery called crumbs. I was a perfect evening.

Oh yea, and we ended up missing our bus back so we had to wait another hour for the next one. I was still fine. Not stressed at all and I am still in a very good place.

Thank you again Krissi!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Well, I've been turkey basted! Or as Audrey over at Building a family through Donor Insemination says, I've been Insperminated! That has a nice ring to it. Makes me feel like a superhero or something. Insperminated! LOL!

We got to the office at 6:30, sample in hand. They took it and told us if we wanted to grab something to eat while they prep it, we just need to be back in 45 min. The office is in the hospital so we went down to the cafeteria and got some breakfast. I could hardly eat. I felt sick from being nervous.

When we got back to the office and were put in the room where we waited a little longer. The Hubby tried so hard to calm my nerves by cracking jokes and stuff. It helped a bit. The Dr was in the room for no longer than 2 min and the actual IUI was so quick. After, I laid there for about 15 min and the Hubby and I played monopoly on his phone.

I am a little bummed out. The count after the wash wasn't as good as they would have liked it to be. We were told to make sure we do the horizontal polka either tonight or tomorrow morning to get as many spermies in there as possible.

I am trying so hard to stay positive. I was forced to ovulate with hopefully more than one egg. The Hubby's count and motility is better than is was. The spermies were given a shorter distance to swim. It only takes 1 spermie!



I know lots of you out there have said this and usually give in, but I am not going to google anything during my 2WW. I haven't googled anything in months and I know anything I read is just going to drive me more crazy so I am staying away. If I feel like I am going to have a weak moment I will go to the Hubby or come here for support. I will not be POAS till I get a good beta. This won't be hard. I am scared of pregnancy tests. In the past 2 1/2 years I have only taken 2 and the negatives killed me more than just AF showing up. I am going to keep busy. I have a lot going on in the next 2 weeks and I am going to try to make is as stress free as possible.

Tonight I am going into NYC to see Godspell with my Mom. I won the tickets from a giveaway Krissi did over at Stress Free Infertility. Having my IUI end up being today was perfect. I have something fun to look forward to tonight and hopefully keep my mind off things. I know I am going to have a blast with my Mom tonight and an uplifting positive musical is just what I need. I will let you know tomorrow how it was.

Monday, January 9, 2012


 Thank you all so much for your comments and helping me see that I am not completely crazy for being scared of this actually working. The Hubby confirmed I am not crazy too. He actually said  what a bunch of you did. How the next step, pregnancy and parenting, is a big step and it is going to be scary sometimes since it is completely new to us. And then he made me laugh by saying "If crazy so and so can do it then we will be fine!"

I triggered last night, but before I tell you that embarrassing story I am going to go back to yesterday morning's US and blood work.

My ovaries are apparently extremely difficult to scan. She found lefty after digging pretty hard and found a 17mm follicle (was 15mm on Saturday) and then told me I had a few 12mm and everything else was small. I asked what happened to the 14mm and 13mm she had seen the previous day. She told me because my ovaries are so difficult and all the shadowing she probably had measured 2 smaller ones together by accident. After lots more digging she found righty. On Saturday there were follicles, but they were small. This times she found a few 12mm. She moved around and double checked them. Yup, I have a few 12mm follies on righty. Oh and I forgot to write yesterday, my lining is absolutely perfect and ready to welcome our little one.

So we have 1 really good 17mm and a bunch of 12mm follies that some might grow a bit more before I ovulate. We don't know. I'm focusing on my little 17mm trooper. Hoping it is holding a perfect little egg that will become our baby.

She called me yesterday afternoon with my blood work results. My LH seems to be starting to surge so I was told to trigger last night between 8-9.

I have no problem giving blood or getting shots. I am a medical assistant. I have prepped many shots and given many other people. I thought I would be fine giving myself a shot. Its not even a IM shot its just in my belly fat! I can do that! Yea...I couldn't do that.

The Hubby was with me as I cleaned the area, prepped the shot and stood there starting to shake. We moved to the bedroom so I could lay down and give it to myself, maybe that would be easier? Nope, laid there shaking like a leaf. The Hubby had said many times that he wouldn't be able to give me a shot so I had to do it, but when he saw me so scared he asked me if I wanted him to do it. I just shook my head yes. He went and washed his hands and read the directions again even though I told him what to do. I closed my eyes, hummed a song (I don't remember what lol) and the Hubby gave it to me.

After he was done I thanked him over and over, gave him a big kiss and started to cry. He said he would do anything for me and whatever it takes to get to our baby. He got in bed with me and gently rubbed the spot he gave me the shot. Then he went lower and gently rubbed over lefty and had a little chat with the 17mm follicle. I am keeping what he said for me and close to my heart, but I will tell you he made me laugh and cry a little more. He is so amazing and keeps surprising me and melting my heart with the things he says and does. I woke up this morning feeling good. Back to relaxed an calm. Hopefully I can stay like this for tomorrow.

So tomorrow (Tuesday) is our IUI. We have to be in the office at 6:30am. We will be bringing the Hubby's sample with us. We get a much better sample in the comfort of our home and we want to have the best sample possible.

I will update tomorrow after the IUI and tell you about what I am doing Tuesday night to kick off my 2WW. The IUI landed on a perfect day.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

CD10 bloodwork and US: first follicle check

Today I went in early for blood work and my first follicle check. I will go straight to the fun part, the magic wand.

Apparently both ovaries were hiding cuz she really had to dig around. She found righty and counted 6 very underdeveloped follies which will not be maturing in time for trigger (sorry I didn't get the size). I was not surprised since the whole time being on clomid I only felt lefty.

She found lefty and started counting the big ones first. I have...
and I think she said 1-13mm
There were a few more, but just like all the ones on righty, they won't be maturing.

The Dr says we are doing well. Since she doesn't know when I could possibly ovulate on my own (she says normal between 16-18mm) she wants me to come back tomorrow morning for more blood work and another US. She says I will probably trigger tomorrow night or the latest Monday night.

We are getting so close. I can't believe it. I am amazed at how calm I have been about it all. I have had this sense of peace ever since CD1. Just about an hour ago a different feeling cam over me. Fear. I have no idea where it came from or what it is about, but I don't like it. I don't think it is a fear of it not working cuz I still feel like it will work. Maybe it is a fear of it actually working. I know that is TOTALLY CRAZY! Maybe it's a fear of the unknown. I just don't know. Gonna have a talk with the Hubby and see if we can get to the bottom of it.

One last thing before I go. We went out to a Chinese buffet with our Chinese friend. While we were eating we got to talking about the Chinese zodiac and how it was the year of the dragon and how it is a "lucky" year to be born. I of course was thinking how nice it would be to have a "lucky" child.

At the end of the meal we read our fortunes. Here they are. The Hubby's is first and mine second.

We all got a good laugh out of the Hubby's cuz it is so true and before the CPAP machine he snored soooooo loud. When I read mine I was like "Duh, tell me something I don't know!"

I will update tomorrow after the appointment.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

clomid side effects

Tonight is my 5th and last dose of clomid 100mg. I think I have been pretty lucky with not having to many side effects. On Sunday and Monday I could really feel my left ovary. I kept getting big twinges. I have not felt either ovary in over 2 years! Its kinda crazy and interesting. All of this totally fascinates me. I can't wait to see the follies!

I have had 1 other side effect. I am EXTREMELY emotional! I felt a little short tempered on Monday and I spent most of last night and this morning crying and I have no idea why! I can't figure it out. I don't like not knowing why I am crying.

Hopefully nothing new will show up between now and Saturdays US and blood work.

What side effects has everyone else had on clomid?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

all of me

First I wanted to thank everyone for all your comments. You have no idea how amazing it feels when I read that someone is praying for me, wishing me luck or even just thinking about me and hoping this IUI works. Every comment brings me to tears, happy tears. I feel like I have you guys with me every day. You are just sitting in my pocket cheering me on and celebrating each stupid little thing with me. You guys bring me joy, help me find peace and keep my hope alive.

I have not been on our journey as long as a lot of you out there. (Our journey only started September of 2009) I have not experienced the pain of injections and egg retrievals. I have not had a failed cycle or felt the complete incomprehensible agony of a pregnancy loss, still birth or loss of a newborn. I can't even imagine going through that. (I had a chemical pregnancy last year November, but it was basically over before I knew about it)

We are in the middle of our first clomid cycle with IUI and I have hope. I know how incredibly naive I am and I don't care. I mean I know there is a big possibility it won't work our first try and even if it does I have read and heard tons and tons of things that can and have gone wrong. I do have fear, yet I have hope.

When we first went to our RE the Hubby and I agreed that no matter what happens we will not give up. We will be parents some day. It doesn't matter how we get there, through treatment or adoption, we will be parents. When we were told we have treatment options the Hubby and I agreed we were all in.

A couple of days before we got our IUI plan, Still Hoping over at Hope Delayed posted Dum spiro spero (While I breathe, I hope). She has been on a much longer and more difficult journey than I have and she is such a strong inspiring person. She talks about having a love-hate relationship with hope and posts a beautiful song called "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt. Be careful...this song will bring you to tears!

Then she wrote this, "Through the words of this song I'm realizing that maybe it's fear that causes that love-hate relationship with hope. We're so afraid to put our hearts on the line again. We're afraid to believe that something good could happen to us because it hasn't so far. Fear stops us in our tracks and makes us timid and apprehensive. Makes us question our decisions and our future plans." And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that fear was something I never really talked about or even thought about, but it is there without me knowing. It was holding me back 8 months ago when we first were going to start treatment. I realize now that I was actually a little relieved when we had to postpone our first clomid cycle. I realize now how afraid I was to move on. I was in a bad place and not ready. I didn't yet grieve not being able to conceive a child on our own.

I just realized right before Christmas that I was actually grieving when my mom brought it up. I was telling her how I was not into Christmas at all this year and didn't feel like decorating and then she said "I know how you are feeling, you are grieving. It's a different situation than mine (losing her husband, my father) but I know how it is and you need to do what is best for you" I was shocked and totally needed to hear that.

So now I still may be grieving a bit, but most of the fear is gone. I am ready to move on and excited about it. And like Still Hoping, I am going to put ALL.OF.ME into this. I am going to enjoy every moment. Dream my 2ww away thinking about the little one digging in inside of me. And when I get that call with my positive beta results, cuz I truly believe it will happen, I am going to enjoy every minute of being pregnant. It may not have been as long or difficult as others, but this was my journey gosh darn it and it was difficult.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

eww & yay!

Yesterday morning, New Years Eve, was my CD 3 US and blood work. As I was sitting in the waiting room I was wondering if they could see my ovaries without using the magic wand. I mean in the back of my mind I knew they were gonna have to go that route, but I guess a part of me wanted it to not be true cuz, um, eww! I know, I know, I can hear a bunch of you out there saying just wait till you are on that delivery table and you have lots of hands and other things going in you and lots of blood and who knows what else coming out with all the world to see! I know and I will be ready for that when the time comes, but for now this was my first test of any kind while bleeding and it was just a little gross.

So after I got my blood drawn I was brought to my room and told to undress from the waist down. I just sighed and had to remind her to put down a piddle pad (that's what I call them cuz my MIL uses them for her dogs) so I wouldn't make a mess. The covering doc came in and obviously didn't read my chart cuz she said "So you are here for your CD 3 to start BC for your next cycle?" I was like, "Um, no I am supposed to be starting clomid possibly today" She smiled and said "Good that is so much more exciting." And in went the magic wand. Cervix and uterus looked good. Lefty was easy to find and actually had a follicle starting! Righty always likes to hide so they have to dig. It's not painful at all, but sometimes it feels like they hit a nerve or something (I have no idea what could do this) and I get strange twinges all around inside. It is hard to describe almost like a numb pins and needles feeling is strange places. They have told me before it is nothing to worry about. Anyone else get that? So everything looked good and I would get a call later with the results of my blood work.

I figured I would have some time before they called so I ran out to the grocery store to grab a couple last minute things. They called while I was in the middle of checking out! The store was busy and the people behind me didn't like that I was on the phone, but I didn't care. My blood work was perfect an I was to start the clomid that night, New Years Eve! I started to tear up a bit and I wanted to yell and dance around, but there were grumpy people staring at me so I held it together till I got home. When I walked in the door a friend was already here so I whispered in the Hubby's ear that I can start clomid. He just smiled and gave me a kiss.

I rang in the New Year with clomid in my system hopefully doing wonderful things to my ovaries! Wednesday night will be my last dose and I go back on Saturday for blood work and an US to see my follicles growing! She said then it all depends on what they find. We could end up triggering Saturday night or wait a few days. Oh my gosh this is really happening! I still can't believe we are actually finally here! YAY!

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year!
*raises glass*  May 2012 find you healthy, surrounded by loved ones, with peace in your heart and mind and please, please let there be lots of babies! CHEERS!!! *clink*
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...