on fears and fighting that old pull of depression

I just wanted to warn everyone this is a pretty long post where I talk about depression and the fears of miscarriage. I am extremely blessed and grateful to be pregnant, but I am allowed to have my own feelings and fears and I need to let them out. I am not very eloquent and things don't always come out right. I can ramble on and not be very clear sometimes. I hope you understand and I am sorry if anyone takes it as being ungrateful. That is not how I feel.

I have been in a strange place over the past month and I couldn't figure out what was going on in my brain. At first it obviously was being upset about Purcey and fighting hard to make sure I didn't slip into that old depression, but I could also feel something pulling me back from really embracing my babies like I had done for the first 19 weeks or so. Until I got past that pull of depression and my subconscious let me in through a dream last week, I had no clue that others losses in this community had affected me so much.

I haven't really talked about it much on my blog. I have mentioned depression and how I was going through bouts of it at different times in this journey, but other than emails with other bloggy friends I don't think I have ever mentioned being diagnosed when I was a teenager and being on prozac till about 4 years ago, when my situation had changed. I had moved out of my Mom's house and away from our horrible, destructive, mentally abusive relationship. (Only after I left could we really work on it) I was happy and being on the prozac while basically happy made me feel like I had no emotion. I couldn't cry when I felt I needed to. It made me feel numb. I then decided I needed to go off of it so my Dr weaned me off. There were a few times during our IF journey that I thought about going back on it, but I had that fear of what the meds would do to my baby when I did get pregnant. I know now how the benefits of me being mentally in a good place totally outweigh the low risks of the meds on babies in utero.

After Purcey died, every once in a while I could feel that old pull of depression. The difference between this time and all the other times was I could actually feel it and recognize it and it scared me. All the other times in the past the depression just came. I slipped easily into those dark places and didn't feel and recognize it till it was too late. I was so shocked at how I felt it and could actually work it out in my head that this was depression trying to sneak up on me and actually do something about it.

I remember the moment I realized it. The day after he died I was in bed. After crying for a while I felt numb and then I felt the depression. Being able to recognize it scared me. I could remember what it had done to me in the past. How it kept me in bed. How I pulled away from so many people I loved. How horrible I felt physically and it scared the shit out of me. I know going back there was something I didn't want to do, but I remember even more so it scared me to do that to my babies.

"Hell no am I going to let my babies feel that horrible depression! It was bad enough that I went through it I don't want them to have to!" Ran through my head. I totally give all the credit for what I did next to my psyc and my babies. My psyc for the past year and a half of working with me and teaching me how to deal with everything and my babies for just being there and saving me.

As soon as I made the decision that I would not do this to Roo and Squirt. I hopped right out of bed and frantically worked out what I needed to do. The truth was I had no clue what I needed to do so I just focused on the babies. Even if it was just a distraction it would be enough to fight that pull. Over the next few days I kept busy with anything and everything for the babies. If I couldn't find something to keep me busy in the house, I left the house. I reached out to my family and had them help me keep busy. And you know what? It worked and I am completely amazed at myself.

Over these past few weeks I have really done a good job of pushing it away and not letting the depression effect me. I have worked through it with my psyc and gotten back to a good place, yet I still felt something pulling me away from my pregnancy. Almost a disconnect. It was very subtle and felt like it was hidden. I love and thought about my babies all the time, but there was still something there.

A few nights ago my mind finally let me in. That feeling of disconnect was deep and my subconscious finally explained it to me in a dream. In my dream I was somewhere between 20 and 23 weeks and my water broke. Then I woke up.

I remember waking up from that dream in a complete panic checking my sheets for wetness or blood and rubbing my belly and mentally willing my babies to move. They did and I calmed down. Subconsciously I have been fearing losing my babies and I think it only surfaced now because of where I am in the pregnancy. I am a week away from that 24 week mark that can give so many of us a little sense of relief.

Being infertile you know too much. Being in this amazing ALI community you meet and connect with so many wonderful people. You get amazing, life changing support that I will forever be grateful and in debt to you all for and you are able to give of your heart to others which I am grateful to be able to do. Unfortunately in this community there is a lot of heartache and suffering. People you love have to go through things that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy and even if you personally have never experienced it, it can stick with you.


I wish everyone out there with angel babies never had to go through what you did, but I never wish that I wasn't a part of your lives and your story. I don't regret reading your posts and crying and praying for you. I would never take any of it back. I pray that I haven't upset anyone. I love you and I don't want anyone to be upset because I am expressing my fears.

I finally got to talk to my psyc today about it. Finally realizing my underlying fear, where it was coming from and why I was a little disconnected made me feel a little better. We connected it to other things I have gone through in my past too. Even though these fears are still in the back of my mind I know how blessed I am to be where I''m at. I love these babies with all my heart and I am so grateful that I have connected with them so much already.

18-22 weeks

I'm sorry I have been so lazy about posting updates! I actually wanted to do this for myself and I have let myself down. I am actually 23 weeks now, but wrote most of this last Tuesday. I will post this one now and my 23 week tomorrow. There are new pics.

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since I last posted an update! As soon as we found out Purcey was sick, thinking about this pregnancy kinda went on the back burner. I mean I always thought about my babies and took care of myself, but most of my daily thoughts were with Purcey and taking care of him and I'm glad I did.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 18-22 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 215. Over the last 5 weeks I have gained 8lbs. These babies have grown a lot and so has my belly!

What's going on with the babies?: We got all the results for the NT scan and bloodwork back in the past weeks and everything looked good. I didn't get numbers or our % chance because I don't want to focus on that. My babies seem healthy and are growing well. That's what's important. We had and anatomy scan  days ago and they are looking good. About a pound each and measuring just under 22 weeks. I have 2lbs of baby in there now! Their most recent heart rates were at around 170bpm each. When their heads were measured the tech said "they have good sized heads" in a tone that made it sound like they were big. They Hubby and I looked at each other and I laughed. I know Squirt and Roo are going to have big heads. The Hubby's noggin is huge! Hehehe.

Finally posted more U/s pics on the Squirt and Roo page.

What's going on with my body?: Overall I have been feeling pretty good. I only get heartburn at night when I eat something really spicy like the jambalaya I made last night. Not making that anymore! It's just starting to get a little difficult getting up off the couch. I think it's more because I don't want to bend too much and squish the babies. I'm probably just crazy, but it makes me feel better LOL! I am definitely starting to slow down a bit. Things like showering take me a little longer now and overall I think I'm just taking my time more. My boobs have gone through major changes these past few weeks! I am pale pasty white everywhere so I had absolutely no color on my areolas and my nipples were small and pretty light. Now they really stand out. It's kinda crazy. They Hubby was shocked when he saw the changes.

What does the belly look like?: It's getting bigger! I still have a bit of a crease at my belly button. Just this week I started to get some small red spots and little stretch marks below my belly button. I knew it was coming and its just gonna get worse. I prepared myself early for them since they were inevitable. I obviously won't like the way they look, no one does, but I think I am more worried about how they feel. I hate that stretched sore skin feeling. I hated it when I was at my heaviest and so happy when I dropped a little weight and the soreness went away. Hopefully all the cream I am using will help a bit with any soreness. It's definitely getting rid of the itchy skin.

Maternity clothes: I still only have maternity pants and the 1 top from my bestie. I can still wear my old t shirts, but I really should go shopping. I just don't like spending money on myself. I will have to go get at least 1 top for Christmas. Hoping my family get's me some maternity clothes or gift cards to the stores so I can shop for free!

Movement: Squirt and Roo have definitely been moving a lot more. Mostly just stretching out so I get steady pressure. On December 1st we got our first real kick and it came at the best time. I wrote about it yesterday. I still don't know who is moving when since they seem to be changing positions a lot. Every time we have an U/s they are facing a new way.

Sleep: Still sleeping great with my Snoogle pillow. I do wake up sometimes to change positions and go pee, but can usually go right back to sleep.

Cravings/aversions: Since my aversion to sweets went away, my main craving has been for cinnamon rolls. Most things are still too sweet for me, but for some reason cinnamon rolls aren't. Kinda strange. I have only given in to the craving twice with little ones from the grocery store, but over the past few days I have been really craving a big one from cinnabun. I have been really good about eating right so I don't know why I don't treat myself every once in a while.

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out!We always make sure we tell the tech ahead of time that we aren't finding out and I tell them that if they are going to peek to tell me to close my eyes since I know what I am looking at. No one has checked yet. The Hubby asked me if I would be really upset if someone slipped and told us. I have no desire to find out, but won't be upset if someone slips. We are going to try and make sure they don't but if it happens there is nothing we can do about it.

Names: I finally got my name book back from my cousin and we have gotten through the girl names. We have about 10 girl names and 5 boy names right now. Once we get through the second half of the book we will work on narrowing it down to 3 or 4 of each. We want to have options and see what Roo and Squirt look like before we name them.

What I miss: I miss being treated normally by my Mom and MIL. They treat me like I can't do anything. Yes, I have restrictions, but I am allowed to lift some things and I don't have to be sitting 24/7! When I am around them I get yelled at if I lift anything even a grocery bag with only bread and chips in it and they make me sit all the time! I know my own limits. Thank goodness the Hubby trusts me. He helps out a lot and does anything for me, but knows I can do things and lets me.

What I am looking forward to: I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. Last year I didn't want to decorate or do much of anything. It was too overwhelming getting everything out and doing the things I so badly wanted to do with my own children. This year I am blessed to be pregnant. I can't wait to decorate and be able to happily daydream about next year with our babies.

Mood and emotions: It has been a rough month for me with everything going on with Purcey. I still don't feel like I am back to myself and I probably wont' be for a while. I am currently working on a post about how I have been feeling. Depression can still rear it's ugly head even if you are pregnant and happy.

Milestones: I hit 20 weeks! The halfway point. Most likely more than halfway since we are having twins, but basically halfway!

Medical concerns: Nothing really. Just working with my psyc to get through some rough stuff mentally.

Sex?: Nope, but I got up the nerve to ask Dr Monty if just maybe orgasm would be ok without penetration. I figured the answer would be no since I am still on modified bed rest. He actually told me not yet, but he will let me know when I can again! He just wants to wait a little longer. I am really excited knowing there is a chance that we could get back to it at some point before being 6 weeks postpartum which could be July.

Best moment of the week: The best moment yet was feeling some real kicks for the first time.

Hows Daddy?: He is really loving my belly now. I can tell how excited he is about the babies and getting ready for them.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): The Hubby's new thing is every morning he tells them to be bad for Mommy, kick me really hard and jump on my bladder a lot. They seem to listen to him!

Nursery: We started to register this past week, but we have gotten nowhere with the decor. I think their room is just going to be eclectic. Touches of lots of different things.

Blankets to keep: I wanted to thank everyone for all their comments and ideas when I posted about not knowing what to do for our babies blankets. We still haven't picked out patterns, but we have it narrowed down. Hopefully we can figure it out soon and I can start crocheting.

the babies know

I totally believe the babies know what is going on outside of their comfy little womb. They can sense my emotions and react to it. I had thought about it for a while just wondering if they could, but I got an answer that blew my mind a little over a week ago.

The day before Purcey passed, the Hubby and I were watching him in pain and made the decision to help him pass peacefully. It was the most difficult decision we ever had to make and was very upsetting. That day the Hubby and I spent a lot of time just cuddling together and taking care of Purcey. We were both pretty upset.

While we were in bed watching a movie, I felt a real kick for the first time! I quickly put my had on my belly and felt it again from the outside too! Then, I grabbed the Hubby's hand and put it on my belly. He had to wait for a bit, but he ended up getting the biggest kick yet! I actually felt the really hard kick against his hand. His eyes got huge, his face lit up and he kept saying things like "WOW that is crazy and so cool!" Up until then I had only been feeling the babies stretching out. Slow steady pressure, no sharp movements.

I really think they knew how upset we were and wanted to remind us they were there for us. Maybe they were saying a little goodbye to Purcey. All I know is it blew my mind. They gave us something we didn't even know we needed right when we needed it. Just like Purcey knew I was pregnant, I think the babies will always know Purcey. Subconsciously they will always know him by the warmth and pressure of him "keeping them warm"* and the vibration and sound of his purring through my belly.

*The Hubby always told Purcey to lay on me and "keep the babies warm".



"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 

 

Godspeed my sweet Purcey

Saturday morning we took Purcey to the vet and helped him pass peacefully without pain. I obviously cried, but the Hubby cried too. That was the first time I have ever seen him cry in almost 10 years of being together and it broke my heart.

I think this is the most difficult thing I have been through. I haven't been able to stop crying since Saturday. He was my furry baby for 12 years and now he is gone. The house feels empty. I keep expecting him to jump in bed with me in the morning when the Hubby gets up for work or greet me at the door when I get home, but he isn't there. I get up in the morning and feel kinda lost because I am used to going into the kitchen to feed him, but there is no one to feed. I miss his tiny squeak of a meow and his cuddles.

I know I just have to remember that it was better than him suffering and being in any more pain than he was already. That I saved him from a shelter and gave him a home and a full life. One that could have ended at 7 months if we hadn't adopted him. I need to believe that he knew how much he was loved and how much he is missed.

The Hubby told me that he believed that just like in my dream that my Dad and Poppy were there to welcome him and give him all the head scratching that he likes. My bestie told me that my babies are lucky to have another guardian angel watching over them.

I have been thinking over the past few days that I need to honor him in some way. I was thinking about getting him an ornament for our Christmas tree. We actually adopted him right after Christmas and he always loved sleeping under the tree and looking at the ornaments every year. I am going to have to look around.

Godspeed Purcey baby. We miss you.

really beautiful and kinda sexy

This morning was like any other weekday morning. The Hubby got up, showered and got ready for work while I dozed in and out of sleep. When he was ready to leave he gave me a kiss, told me he loves me and said see you later. Then, he moves onto the babies. He folded the covers down and I rolled slightly onto my back. He kissed and hugged my belly and told the babies he loves them and he would see them later.

What happened next was very different.

First, I do need to say that I sleep in the nude. I bet you really wanted to know that, but it is important to the story. Anyway, after he talked to the babies I reached for the covers again and stopped when I saw my body. I was lying somewhat between on my side and my back with my top leg slightly more bent than the other. My arm was stretched out over my thigh reaching for the blankets. My belly was resting on my body pillow.

Without any hesitation "that is really beautiful and kinda sexy" ran through my head. No second guessing or taking it back.

I stayed in that position for a minute and just stared at my body. I was smiling.

I haven't really said much about my body image on this blog. If you have seen pictures of me and read my updates you know that I am overweight. I have been all my adult life. I have tons of old stretch marks, that fanny pack of fat in my lower belly that hangs a bit and that big crease at my belly button that cuts my middle in half. Over the last couple of years I got healthy and even though I was still overweight I was comfortable with my body. I liked the way I looked.

When I finally got pregnant I wasn't worried about gaining weight. I wanted to make sure I gained enough and the babies would be healthy. Then, a couple of weeks ago every time I looked in the mirror all I saw was how I looked at my heaviest. I just looked fat. Realistically I knew that I was pregnant and even though I had belly fat, there was lots of baby under there, but it brought back how horrible I felt at my heaviest. It brought back when all the huge stretch marks showed up. I remember how big, red and sore they were for so long and I cried.

Yup, I'm not proud of it, but I broke down and cried to my Hubby. I was trying to get out how I felt in between sobs. "I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful being pregnant, but I'm upset. I don't have a nice figure, but what I do have and worked to get back to is gonna be gone. I have big old stretch marks and they are just going to get bigger. I feel stupid and guilty that I am feeling like this. Not being able to have sex with you doesn't help either. I can't even get my sexy back that way. I love these babies, but I want my body back for me"

I felt better after I let it all out. The Hubby made sure I knew that he had now doubt that I love our babies and would do anything for them, but he can only imagine how hard it is and he understands the best he can.

Even though I felt a little better letting it all out, those thoughts came in and out of my head over the last few weeks until this morning.

Something clicked. Seeing my pregnant body sprawled out in all it's glory, I felt really beautiful and kinda sexy. I am really starting to love my pregnant body. I know some old thoughts will come back when I get bigger and the red stretch marks show up, but I think embracing my body now will keep me in a good place for the rest of the pregnancy.

updates on Purcey and my Uncle

Hi everyone!

Thank you all so much for all your thoughts and prayers for Purcey. Your comments brought me to tears and gave me the support I needed.

Sorry I have been gone for so long. I've been having a very difficult time watching Purcey slow down. There are days that he acts like his old self and it gives me false hope. The next day he usually goes back to not eating much and sleeping all day. The tumor is growing fast and his face is looking lopsided now. He doesn't like his tongue touching the tumor so it now hangs out of the left side of his mouth. He looks so cute and kinda funny with his tongue hanging out.

Since he can't really clean himself anymore his fir is getting a little matted in some areas. I have been trying to comb it out with my fingers since he doesn't like to be brushed. I also have been cleaning him a couple times a day with wipes. I hope it is making him more comfortable.

Yesterday, while the Hubby and I were eating lunch, (thank goodness he was home) we saw Purcey licking his paws and he was covered in blood! All over his face, paws and the floor. I knew it was his mouth so we cleaned him up and went to the vet. The vet said it definitely is the tumor. Apparently when a tumor grows in a cat's mouth it grows very irregular and very close to the surface so it can bleed often. When it does it should stop pretty quickly, but if it doesn't then bring him in. I have found a few bloody drool spots on the floor today. It will probably keep bleeding on and off from now on. I'm glad he doesn't seem to bother him and he isn't in pain.

I also wanted to give you an update on my Uncle. Over the past few months he has gone through rounds of chemo and responded very well. He just went back into the hospital for the last, but new treatment. He is having a bone marrow transplant. His brother is a match. From what I heard it's not a regular transplant. It sounds newer and different. Sorry I don't remember the details, but they are very positive about this working well and being the last thing he needs just to top off the treatment. He will need to stay in the hospital for a while because his immunity will be way down. We are praying he will be out before Christmas and feeling great!

Today I am 20 weeks! I am working on an update since I haven't posted one since 17 weeks. I have kinda put myself on the backburner since taking care of Purcey. I am slowly getting back to me and even more the babies.

our dear sweet Purcey is sick

On Monday we took Purcey to the vet. He seemed to be having a difficult time eating his crunchy food and his breath started to smell a bit. To me all of this pointed to a tooth issue. He has had tooth infections before and even had a couple removed, so we figured that was it.

As soon as the vet looked in his mouth he knew it wasn't his teeth. Our dear, sweet kitty has a fast growing inoperable tumor in his mouth/jaw. The vet told us we could treat, but he didn't feel it would do any good. The treatments would be rough on him. Or vet's suggestion was to keep him as happy and comfortable as we can and bring him in if he stops eating or has trouble breathing so he doesn't suffer anymore.

I immediately burst into tears and have been on and off since Monday. Back and forth between an emotional mess and feeling completely numb.

The vet didn't give us a time frame. It could be days, weeks or even months.  In the past week he has lost a lot of weight, been sleeping more, eating less and because the tumor is messing up his mouth he has basically stopped cleaning himself. He doesn't seem to be in pain, just really annoyed by this growing thing in his mouth and all the drool he has now. I have been giving him as much wet food as he will eat. I tried giving him some older cat milk like supplement, but he won't drink it. As a treat we usually give him some cold cut ham. He seems to still love that so I am giving him a slice a day. I want him to be happy and ham seems to make him happy.

He has always been spoiled, but now we let him do whatever he wants. Eat what he wants and sleep wherever he wants. We always gave him a lot of attention, but now he gets every bit of it when he is awake. We let him sleep with us now. We used to lock him out of our bedroom because he was known to throw everything off our dressers. Now every night he sleeps with his head and paws on my belly and his bottom half on my body pillow that I lay against. Since I have been pregnant, the Hubby has always told Purcey to lay on me and "keep the babies warm". He seems to be taking this job seriously now and I am loving every minute of it.

Purcey has been my baby for almost 12 years. How do you sit and watch someone you love slowly get sicker and weaker and then have to decide when it is time to say goodbye and pray he hasn't suffered? I wish I could read his mind or he could talk. Does he know what is going on? Is he in pain? Is he scared? Does he know how much we love him and are going to miss him when he is gone?

I also have this irrational fear that he is going to be mad at me. For what, I am not exactly sure. Maybe for ending his life if it comes to that. Maybe for not doing everything in our power to make him better even though it could make things worse. Maybe for something that I did or didn't do. I have no clue, but its eating me up inside.

I don't want to leave him home alone in case he needs me or takes a turn for the worse, but another part of me wants him to have his time. I have heard how some people hold on and won't pass because they have their family around them. They hold on to life and suffer because their family can't let them go. I don't want that for Purcey. If he does pass on his own I want it to be as peaceful as possible.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream that gave me a little bit of peace. The Long Island Medium (yes I watch that show) called me and told me my Dad and Poppy came to her. They said that they are waiting to welcome Purcey and that I can let go. He will not be mad at me. We have given him a wonderful life and he loves us. They also told her that they are watching over the our babies and are so happy for us. They also know the sexes of the babies, but aren't telling LOL! That last part made me laugh.

The dream brought be a little peace, but I am still having a very difficult time with this. I have never experienced someone slowly getting weaker and sicker. Everyone who has passed around me has been quick and unexpected. I have never experienced slow suffering and have never had to put a pet down.

If you would, please keep Purcey in your thoughts and prayers that he doesn't suffer and will let us know when it is time.

I'm not sure when I will feel like posting again. This is draining me. Hopefully I will soon, but for now I am catching up on all of you. I love you guys. I hope you know that. I really should tell you more often.

PIO shots and the end of sexy time as we know it

Since my little bleeding scare a little before 14 weeks, I have been taking a 200 mg prometrium pill a day. I was only taking them while I was waiting for my once a week PIO shots to start. Dr Monty had me go through a nursing group who comes to my house to give me the shot. Unfortunately my insurance will only cover for them to come twice. I figured I would get the shots from my mail away pharmacy and the Hubby would give them to me. So many of you out there do it that way and you are doing it every day. I would only be getting it once a week. When I told Dr Monty he said he wanted me to get the injections and bring them in for him to give to me. I have no problem with him giving them to me, but I asked why he didn't want the Hubby giving it.

I believe all of you out there are doing it right and I don't want to worry anyone, but Dr Monty said that if it is given in the wrong place it can mess with your leg. Make it go numb or other things I guess if you hit a nerve. My Dr is very cautious and wants to make sure he does everything in his power to keep his patients happy, healthy and safe. I love that about him. I pray no one every has any issues with your PIO shots and I hope I didn't worry you now. You guys amaze me how you go though it every day for months.

So, I had my first PIO shot the other day. I am getting progesterone in castor oil 250 mg/ml in a 1 ml dose once a week. How does that compare with what you guys get every day? I have read from you guys lots of ways to prepare the site and positions to get the shot to make it as painless as possible. I asked the nurse about icing the area before and she said she didn't recommend it because the oil will thicken as it goes in. I asked about heat or massage after and she said I could do heat only if needed, but absolutely no massage. I figured I would lay down for the shot to keep my muscles relaxed. Instead she showed me a way to stand that moves the muscle to the correct position and makes it impossible for your muscle to tense up.

Stand behind a chair and lean on the back of it with your elbows. Keep your feet flat and turn your toes in toward each other as far as you can comfortably. Apparently this position moves your muscle to the perfect position and with your toes turned in it is impossible to tense up your butt. I tried before she gave it, you can't! I haven't experienced a shot in any other position, but when I got it I didn't feel the needle at all and only had a little bit if stinging once all the PIO was in. After the shot we sat down to go over some paperwork and by the time she left about 20 min later, the injection site looked and felt like nothing had happened. There was no lump of oil and it wasn't sore at all. I was shocked that there wasn't a bruise because I bruise very easily. The next day there was only a little blue right at the injection spot.

At my last OBGYN visit my Mom and MIL came with me since the Hubby was on a business trip. I desperately wanted to ask him if I was off of the modified bed rest and even more so if I was allowed to have sex again. Since my moms were with me, straight out asking was off the table.

At the previous visit I asked if I had all the same restrictions and without even saying it Dr Monty knew what I was asking. A big smile showed up on his face and he said "You are asking if you can have sex." I just smiled and then he turned to the Hubby and jokingly asked "Has she been chasing you around the house?" We all laughed because it basically is true even though I haven't really been chasing him around the house.

So, this time instead of actually asking, I just asked if I am still to take it easy. Dr Monty basically replied that yes I will be taking it easy for the rest of the pregnancy. I take that as no more sex. :( That means it will probably be about June/July before it happens again.

You all know how happy and blessed I am to have these babies inside me and I will do anything for them, but I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Not being able to make love to my Hubby is really difficult for me! I know there are many other ways to connect and be intimate, but no sex sucks!

When we were dating and before we started TTC it was care free, fun and no pressure. When we were trying, even though we tried really hard to keep it care free, there was always that elephant in the room. Always that pressure. As soon as I got pregnant it went back to the way it used to be. That amazing care free fun that we hadn't experienced in 3 years. It was really nice and now it's gone. Heck, we can't even have the pressure filled, less fun sex.

I'm not proud of it, but I actually broke down into tears the other day about it all. The Hubby and I have a wonderful, beautiful relationship, but not being able to connect with him on that level right now is really difficult.  Right now, when I keep feeling our love get so much deeper and I have all these amazing new feelings toward him. It is upsetting.

The Hubby feels so bad about how difficult it is for us. A little more for me than him since I take good care of him. He is trying so hard to be extra caring and tender toward me. Doing what he can to help us feel more connected and reminding me how this is not forever and who we are doing all this for.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I am doing the best thing for Roo and Squirt. Being careful and helping to keep them safe and in there as long as possible so they can grow big and strong and come home with us.

crochet show & tell: baby blanket #5

In all the craziness of the past few months I forgot to post about the blanket I made for my cousin K. I wrote about being at her baby shower and how I followed the cool pattern of being pregnant at a shower.

Without further ado, here is the blanket.

K didn't find out the sex of her baby so this was the first "neutral" blanket I have made. Thank goodness she had a plan for the baby's room. She went with primary colors. They painted the walls yellow, red curtains with white polka dots and touches of blue in the rocking chair and bedding.

I first chose red, yellow and blue with the white, but then I felt it needed something else so I added green. I did a classic crochet ripple then added a thin raised strip of color in between every 3 rows to create the thin ripples. I did a thin edging with white. Truthfully, while I was making it I wasn't really excited about the colors, but when I finally added the thin ripples it came together. K and her Hubby loved it so that is all that matters.

K had a beautiful little girl. I will be calling her Little S on the blog. This is the first girl. Great grandchildren 1-6 have all been boys! K finally broke the streak with #7. Everyone was so excited. Especially our Momma and Poppa. They have been not so patiently waiting for a girl.

Now that everyone's itch has finally been scratched with Little S, everyone's need for girls has gone through the roof! Everyone in my family is convinced that I will be having 2 girls to bring up the numbers LOL!

So, now I have to get down to it and figure out the next 2 blankets I will be making for my own babies and then one for my cousin D who is due a month after me.

16-17 weeks

Because of Sandy I never did a 16 week update so I will combine the past 2 weeks. I also finally put up the most recent ultrasound pics from week 16 and a new bump pic on the Squirt and Roo page since my belly finally looks different. I only popped this past week.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 16-17 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 207! I gained almost 4 pounds in 2 weeks and I am finally above my pre pregnancy weight. I guess these past 2 weeks of sitting around doing nothing actually made me gain weight. I did pop within the last 2 weeks so it looks like all the weight is in my belly.

What's going on with the babies?: I saw Dr Monty at almost 16 weeks. He did an U/s and we saw our beautiful babies again. Their heart rates were good and even though we didn't get measurements, we could see they had grown. They were sitting facing each other. Dr Monty was laughing because they were horsing around in there kicking and punching each other a lot! I hope they get it out of their systems while in there or we are gonna have our hands full with kids beating each other up LOL! I was really surprised at how high they are now. Roo was actually sitting right behind my belly button! He/she was actually being a little stinker hiding in just the right position that there was a shadow from my belly button right over the heart. Roo finally moved so we could get a good shot of the heart, but not till after playing around with us. We got a really cool face pic. Roo was looking right at us and you can see a little skeleton face. It is really cute.

What's going on with my body?: Week 16 was pretty much business as usual, but this past week I had horrible heartburn. It was mainly while we had no power from Sandy and we were eating things that I didn't eat often. Once I got back to my usual diet the heartburn wen away for the most part. Also this week my gums started to bleed a bit when I brush.

What does the belly look like?: I finally popped this week! I still have a crease at my belly button, but it is getting more shallow. I seemed to have popped more above my belly button and I actually look round now! I finally put a new belly pic up since it finally looks different.

Maternity clothes: I have to wear maternity pants all the time, but I can still wear all my t shirts since they were bigger even before I was pregnant. My bestie looked through her maternity clothes and gave me a fitted t shirt that would fit me. I haven't tried it on yet, but it should fit. I might wear it for Thanksgiving if I don't feel like going shopping for a maternity top.

Movement: Every few days I feel a little push from inside like a head, hand or foot is stretching out. It's still light, but definitely pushing. I am not so patiently waiting for more movement!

Sleep: I have been sleeping great! Still love my snoogle pillow!

Cravings/aversions: My aversion to sweets is almost completely gone! YAY!!! I had a cupcake and a piece of pumpkin pie this past week! No real cravings, just enjoying everything I eat!

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out! I decided to add a poll to the side so everyone can guess who we have in there. I always found guessing fun!

Names: We have a good list going and I am having a blast looking up names for our children! We won't be naming them till we see them so we will be keeping the names a secret.

What I miss: I miss sex. I hope I can go off this bed rest soon.

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to the U/s at Dr Monty on Thursday and at the perinatologist on Saturday. I can't wait to see Squirt and Roo again!

Mood and emotions: I was pretty anxious and worried last week especially while Sandy was coming through. I knew we were safe and would be fine, but being pregnant makes me get a little irrational in situations like that. The over protective feeling you get for your babies is crazy. I'm a little worried and upset today too. They Hubby left yesterday on a business trip. This is the first time he is away while I'm pregnant and I am not liking being so far from him.

Milestones: My belly popped!

Medical concerns: Nothing right now.

Sex?: Nope. I'm still on modified bed rest and it's really starting to get to me. It's been over a month! Every time the Hubby kisses me I get weak in the knees! I hope the restriction is lifted soon, but if it isn't I will get used to it. I will do anything for these babies or not do for that matter.

Best moment of the week: All the comments I got when I wore my maternity skeleton t shirt. I put a pic up on the Roo and Squirt page.

Hows Daddy?: Daddy as really connected with the babies since I popped. He puts his hands on my belly all the time now, kisses it and talks to them more often. He has been really attentive and worried about me when Sandy came through and the week we had no power. Now that we have the snow storm coming through he really hates that he is away from me. Daddy is pretty upset he has to miss the U/s at Dr Monty tomorrow. This is the first Dr visit he will miss, he has been to every one. Thank goodness he will be back for the big U/s on Saturday at the perinatologist.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): This time I am going to tell you about a funny preggo brain thing that involved him. The other day while the Hubby was putting on his socks he called me into the room. He held up the pair and said "I don't think this is going to work". In one hand was his big tube sock, in the other was one of my little ankle socks! I had matched them together! I couldn't stop laughing! Talk about a total brain fart!

Nursery: I have been thinking about ideas for the nursery and I don't think I am going to do a theme. We will have lots of different furniture and decor coming it from when we were kids so it will be pretty eclectic. I love teddy bears so I may bring some of that decor in with mobiles and sheets. We will see. I will have to see what is out there and what I like.

a belated happy halloween!

Hi everyone! I'm back. We were lucky and got our power back on Saturday. There are still a lot of homes around my area without power and even more people all over the east coast who have suffered some devastating losses. We were extremely blessed that everyone in my family and friends are safe and even if they still don't have power, they can stay with people who do.

Halloween was postponed in my area due to Sandy. Halloween night the Hubby and I welcomed my bestie, her hubby and their 1 year old Little Z to stay at our house. Even though we had no power, we still had hot water, a fireplace for heat and a gas stove to cook. Our friends apartment temp dropped drastically without heat and then their water was shut off with no idea when it would come back. They stayed with us a few nights and then my MIL stayed with us a a couple nights.

On Friday the Hubby and I went to a big jack o lantern blaze. A walk through path surrounded by more than 5,000 individually carved glowing jack o lanterns. It was beautiful! Lots of them were stacked on top of each other to create archways, dinosaurs, ghosts, witches, and many other things. I didn't bring a camera so I could just walk through with the Hubby and enjoy. We did, but I had to take one picture with my phone. I love giraffes!

Tonight was my town's Halloween. A bunch of streets are still without power and they didn't want kids on the dark streets, so they did what they call "trunk or treat". Everyone handing out candy parks their car in the school parking lot, pops their trunk, decorates for Halloween and all the kids go from trunk to trunk trick or treating! It was great! They did the same thing last year due to the October snow storm, but I didn't know about it.

I love Halloween! Decorating, dressing up and handing out candy. Even when I was still in the trenches I loved to see all the little kids in their costumes and dream of when I could share all the fun Halloween stuff I loved as a kid with my own kids. I can't wait till next year!

Happy Halloween everyone!!!

after sandy

Hi everyone.
I'm typing this from my phone so I don't know how it will come out.
Sandy was a bitch but we are safe. We were hit pretty hard but thank goodness no flooding like last year with Irene. We had extremely high winds that uprooted and snapped trees and power lines so we have had no power since Monday night and we are hearing we might not for 7-10 days. None of my family has power either. 1 of our 3 story evergreen trees in our back yard snapped in half and landed in our neighbors roof. Everyone is safe but it was very scary.
The babies are doing fine and probably happy as a clam in there since they are nice and warm and have no clue what is going on outside my uterus.
Hubby and I have been staying warm with our fireplace, cooking on our gas stove and spending our nights reading, crocheting and playing card or board games by candlelight.
Hope everyone out there is warm and safe. I am thinking about you often.

15 weeks

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 15 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 203.6. Either my scale is broken or I am staying completely the same! I hope these babies are getting enough nutrition. Trying to stuff my face with healthy stuff all day.

What's going on with the babies?: As far as I know Roo and Squirt are kicked back and relaxing in there. Busy growing. From head to tushy they should be about 2.9 inches (7.4cm). According to my book, they can now sense light and their inner ear bones have formed enough that they can pick up sounds! This makes me so happy! I am going to be talking to them a lot more now!

What's going on with my body?: I have had no bleeding for over a week! I hope it stays that way! My sense of smell has kicked into uber high gear and random smells are now making me gag. I think they may be going through a growth spurt because for a few days I was exhausted no matter how much I slept.

What does the belly look like?: I could tell it was getting bigger just by my regular jeans being uncomfortable now, but it didn't really hit me till this week. I was doing a little *ahem* landscaping and I realized I couldn't bend or *ahem* see as much as I used to. Sorry if that's TMI. I will put up a new belly pic tomorrow when the Hubby can take a pic of me.

Maternity clothes: This was the first week of wearing maternity pants all the time. They are comfortable, but I think it will take a little while for me to really get used to them. Maybe when they form to my body better and definitely when I get bigger. Still wearing my regular tshirts. I always wore them bigger so it will be a while till they are too tight.

Movement: Every once in a while I think I feel something and then I doubt myself. I know for a fact I felt one of them on Sunday. It was so different, I think one of them may have flipped. The feeling surprised me so much, I did one of those inhale gasps in the middle of church. Thank goodness it was quiet!

Sleep: I have been sleeping great! Still love my snoogle pillow!

Cravings/aversions: I think my sweets aversion might be almost over! The thought of a cupcake sounded great this week so I tried a mini one. It was still a little too sweet for me, but I got it down without feeling gross after!

Sex of the babies: We will not be finding out the sexes till they come out! I decided to add a poll to the side so everyone can guess who we have in there. I always found guessing fun!

Names: We have a good list going and I am having a blast looking up names for our children! We won't be naming them till we see them so we will be keeping the names a secret.

What I miss: I miss my family and friends right now. Everyone is either far away or busy with their kids, so I have felt kinda alone this week.

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to seeing our little ones again on Thursday and hopefully really feeling them soon.

Mood and emotions: I have had a little bit of a rough week. I kinda feel like I am in limbo. I don't really feel or look pregnant and I can't really feel them yet. I bought a cute little outfit this week and it felt like I was buying it for someone else. This is the first time I have felt like this and I don't like it. I have felt such a connection to these babies from the beginning so I don't know what happened. I also got really emotional about feeling alone. When my friends and cousins were pregnant I got together with them a lot. I went above and beyond helping them with things they needed especially when they were on bed rest or felt overwhelmed with getting things organized to make room for their babies. Now that I am pregnant everyone is busy or moved away. I understand people have lives and it is difficult with kids, but I feel like I am invisible or something. I try to make plans to just hang out, totally willing to go to them, but I get no response or I'm busy.

Milestones: I can't think of any milestones I have hit.

Medical concerns: Nothing right now and I hope it says that way!

Sex?: Nope. I'm still on modified bed rest.

Best moment of the week: I love finding out that a fellow blogger is pregnant!!!

Hows Daddy?: Daddy is great! I think he is really looking forward to seeing Squirt and Roo again and I know he can't wait to feel them. He really wants them to move for me and tells them to often.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): When the Hubby and I are alone at home we let lose and by that I mean gas. As my Nana always said "you can't hold what you don't have in your hand!" Why hold it in and be uncomfortable? Anyway, any time the Hubby lets one rip he tries to blame it on the babies and it makes me laugh!

Nursery: I am getting excited thinking about ideas for the nursery.

happy blogoversary to me!

A year ago today I wrote my first blog post. I remember how scared I was to start writing. I really looked up to all of you and wanted to be a part of this amazing community that I accidentally found. You came into my life just when I needed you. I was at my lowest point. If I had never found you, I believe I wouldn't be where I am today.

We were 2 years into TTC and had finished all of our testing, We were waiting on the Hubby's medication to work so we could start medicated cycles with IUI. All of your support, love and acceptance of me got me through the most difficult part of our journey. Without you, with every cycle fail, I probably would have fallen into a deep depression. You listened to my venting and gave me hope. I will never be able to thank you enough.

Now,  year later, I am pregnant with twins! I am amazingly blessed to finally be here.

I love you guys with all my heart!



PS: I am slowly catching up on everyone's posts. Sorry for being MIA from your blogs for so long.

my flower bed has a green thumb of it's own

A few months ago while I was weeding our flower bed, I came across a seedling that didn't look much like a weed. Now, I haven't planted anything. We had gotten bushes removed and had a landscaper put down mulch and plant some boxwoods, hastas, hydrangeas and other things I can't remember the names of. We also saved the azalea bush that was being squished by bushes. Other than that I haven't done any planting. The leaves on this seedling were different and familiar so I decided to leave it and see what happened.

Well, it took off! This thing grew like a weed! As it got bigger I could see the leaves and flowers looked like a squash or zucchini plant. I got excited that we might be getting free veggies! It looked like a bush about 3 feet tall and started to take over the flower bed with it's giant leaves that were bigger than both my hands combined! Soon it was covering a hasta, boxwood bush and making its way onto our lawn.

When the little baby veggies started growing they totally looked like zucchini, but as they grew they didn't lengthen. They stayed small and squat and just got rounder.

Maybe pumpkins?

YUP! After a long time of having small, round, green zucchini looking things, the leaves started to dry out and the little pumpkins turned orange!

Check em out! Please pardon all the weeds.

Can you count them all? Watch out, some are trying to hide!

There are 12!!! We have 12 cute little pumpkins and I didn't plant them. We are thinking some animal brought the seeds into our yard or maybe there were some mixed in the mulch that was brought in.


Even my MIL's doglet, Yoda is admiring them.

The leaves and vines have basically dried out and the pumpkins are almost completely orange, so I think it may be time to pick them and put them on our front stairs. They are too tiny to carve so we will be picking big pumpkins soon. We usually each get one to carve. Maybe I will carve one for Roo and Squirt too!

14 weeks - modified bed rest

I told you on Sunday about how I went to the ER that morning with some bleeding. I was to call Dr Monty on Monday to make a follow up appointment for Tuesday. Well, yesterday morning I woke up with bleeding again! When I called Dr Monty and told him I was bleeding again he had me come right in. He did an U/s and Roo and Squirt look fine. He went over all the results from the hospital and like the ER Dr said, they couldn't find any reason for the bleeding. Dr Monty decided I should go on a form of modified bed rest at least until I see him next week and then he will reevaluate. My restrictions are, no sex :( , no exercise, only very light lifting, and lots of rest. I am only allowed to do small loads of laundry and even that he wants me to limit my walking up and down my basement stairs. I was suppose to have a dental cleaning today, but he had me postpone it till things calm down. I am allowed to leave the house, but I need to take it easy.

He also put me back on prometrium pills. My RE took me off of them at 8 weeks when everything looked fine. Dr Monty prescribed progesterone in oil shots once a week that I will start as soon as everything is cleared with my insurance. I figured that we would be taught and my Hubby would give me the shot, but apparently Dr Monty uses a nurse group who will come give me the shot once a week! So, hopefully my insurance will cover the PIO since it should help better than the pills.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 14 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 203.6. Well, I didn't gain, but I didn't lose. I am eating as much as I can all day and I haven't done any exercise in a couple weeks. I guess these babies are just sucking every bit of nutrition out of me since they are growing nicely!

What's going on with the babies?:Roo and Squirt are doing fine, but these little stinkers are causing trouble! LOL! Scaring me half to death with the bleeding! I know it's probably just my body doing it, but it is cute to call them little trouble makers. Suzy said it perfectly on twitter, "So glad the babies are okay! They are SO grounded though." I told her I sent them to their rooms and they are not to come out till April! Lets hope they listen to me

Squirt and Roo should be about 2.4 inches (6.1cm). Their eyes and ears have reached their final positions and are more clearly defined. The first little hairs are starting to grow on their bodies. They can now swallow amniotic fluid and even though the placenta is doing the work of their kidneys, their bladder does fill and they can empty it! My children are peeing in me LOL!

What's going on with my body?: Even though I was bleeding, my body seems to be doing it's best to keep these babies in there and growing. It was scary, but I have to trust my body! It has gotten these babies to 14 weeks and it can get them to full term and into my arms.

Heartburn has picked up a bit. I have been trying to watch what I eat to try and keep it away, but I still have it and have been popping tums a little more. I am hungry all the time now! I eat all day and I am enjoying it so much! Food is so good!

What does the belly look like?: I know my belly is getting bigger, I just can't really see it yet. Maybe it's because I see it every day. I can definitely feel a belly in there. Feels like I have a heavy ball in there. I will post a pic later today as soon as the Hubby comes home and can take a pic of me.

Maternity clothes: I bought maternity pants and OMG they are so comfy!!! I took a lot of your advice and went to motherhood maternity. I grabbed my size in the full panel plus and they fit perfectly with room to grow! My MIL took me and insisted on buying them for me. She is so sweet and make me get 2 pairs LOL! I also ordered a maternity shirt online. It's not a regular shirt, it's actually my Halloween costume. I will post about that with pics when we get closer to Halloween.

Movement: I have had so much gas this past week, so if there was any movement I couldn't feel it. I hope I start feeling some real movements soon. I really can't wait!!

Sleep: I got a snoogle body pillow this week! Thank you sweetie! You know who you are! This thing is amazing! It cradles my body and supports my knees and hips all night. I had just started to get that sore, stiff feeling in my hips the week before and this has relieved it completely! I highly recommend a body pillow!

Cravings/aversions: I had a tuna salad sandwich the other day and now that is all I can think about!

Sex of the babies: We decided we won't be finding out the sexes. Thank you for all the ideas for our babies' blankets! I still haven't made a decision on what I am going to make, but I know whatever I do make will be perfect for them and they will love it.

Names: I am having a blast figuring out names for our little ones! I still haven't gotten the name book from my cousin so as soon as I do we will really start to sit down and figure it out. We have time.

What I miss: I am going to miss being able to do everything I'm not allowed to while taking it easy. I will miss it, but will do anything I need to for these babies!

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to really feeling movement! Come on babies! I want to feel you in there!

Mood and emotions: This week has been an emotional roller coaster with the bleeding. Overall I have been feeling good about everything. I have also been emotional about our Anniversary coming up. I know it's not about the presents, but my Hubby loves to buy me things and always has amazing ideas for me. For me, every year gets harder and harder to find the perfect gift for him. My ideas just don't seem good enough. We will be spending a nice night together so I will just have to focus on that.

Milestones: I can't think of any milestones I have hit.

Medical concerns: All the stuff I have been talking about over the past few days. The bleeding and stuff.

Sex?: Well, now that I have the restrictions, sex is going from sometimes to never. :( I hope this isn't it for the rest of the pregnancy! I will do anything for these babies, but it would be nice to be intimate with my Hubby.

Best moment of the week: Finding out that my babies were safe and sound in there.

Hows Daddy?: Daddy is relieved. He was so worried about the 3 of us through all this. He has been very attentive and making sure we are alright.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): The Hubby has been cracking lots of jokes about how the babies are just like him. Stubborn! LOL! They never want to cooperate when the techs need to take measurements.

Nursery: I have been starting to think about how I want to decorate the nursery. It doesn't seem real. I am actually going to decorate a nursery!

my trip to the er

First, I want to assure you that Squirt, Roo and I are all fine.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to go to the bathroom. When I wiped, there was bright and dark red blood soaking the toilet paper. I wiped a few more times and it didn't let up. It wasn't just spotting. It looked like the start of my period. I wasn't cramping just bleeding. I had brown and pink spotting in the past that was blamed on my cervix being irritated after sex, but this came out of nowhere. I started to cry, said a little prayer while I sat there and this wave of "everything is fine" came over me. I don't know how to explain it, but I just knew my babies were alive in there even though I can't feel them.

I cleaned up, threw on a pad and woke my Hubby to tell him I was calling Dr Monty. The answering service gave me the covering Drs number so I called and left a message. When he called me back I explained everything and he suggested I go to the ER so they can check me out. He told me the worst and best case and told me not to rush and please don't get into an accident. We both took a quick shower and we left.

The ER was basically empty when we got there so I went right in, put a gown on and they started an IV. I have never been in the ER for myself, only bringing others. I've only had an IV once 2 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was knocked out almost as soon as it went in and it was removed before I completely came to so I hardly experienced it. The nurse tried my left forearm first and missed. You should see the bruise, it's huge! Then, he tried the right and got it.

I thought I would be fine because of all the bloodwork and needles I have experienced, but since I didn't eat and was nervous for my babies, I passed out. The Hubby told me I was gagging while I was out and when I came to they had a bucket ready for me. I'm glad because this horrible wave of nausea came over me and I threw up and dry heaved for a few minutes. Between passing out and then throwing up I was soaked in sweat, but felt great when the dry heaving passed.

I was then rolled into U/s. The tech was so nice. I laid there squeezing the Hubby's hand. The Hubby could see the screen, but I couldn't. After a few minutes of quiet I asked the tech if there were heartbeats. She said "Oh honey, yes they are moving around a lot and their heartbeats look great!" I was relieved and when I heard them I started to cry again. The Hubby told me after that he was one move at that point but couldn't see much because the tech was moving around so quickly measuring a lot so he didn't know what he was seeing. I was in there for a while. The Hubby said she was measuring a lot. Their heads, feet and he asked the tech what the color was. She apparently did blood flow. Not sure if it was their hearts or placenta. When she was done she said everything looked good.

While we were waiting to be brought back to the ER, Jason Mraz, I won't give up came on the radio. I started to cry again. The Hubby asked me if I was ok and I told him yes, I was crying because of the song. He just smiled at me.

The tech came back in and said everything looked good, but the radiologist wanted to see them herself. The radiologist was so nice too. The tech went over all the important things with her and they talked out loud so we could hear about everything. Both babies heartbeats were good. They were moving around. Roo had apparently go to sleep after the first U/s so the tech jiggled my belly a bit with the transducer to wake him/her up again. Every time she jiggled my belly I couldn't help but laugh at my stubborn little one. My cervix was long and closed. Their placentas are far from my cervix. I told them where their placentas were at the last U/s and they were in the same places. The radiologist then turned the screen and told me they are my babies so I should be able to see them. It was so great to see them moving around.

The Dr in the ER said according to the U/s, bloodwork and urine everything looked good and he is not sure why I am bleeding. He said he spared me the pelvic exam since I wasn't bleeding a whole lot. By the time we left I only had a little blood on the pad and everything new was brown. I was told to take it easy today and see Dr Monty in the next couple days for a follow up.

Thank God it stopped. I hope it doesn't happen again, but I have a feeling this won't be the last time.

finally time to make blankets to keep and i'm lost

Since it's national I Love Yarn Day I decided to talk about crochet. More specifically finally crocheting a blanket to keep or 2 for that matter :)

Over the years I have made blankets, teddy bears and other things for friends and family. I have always wanted to make some for my own children and wondered what I would make, but the thought never went further than that. I never actually thought about it more and sat down and found a pattern and colors that I wanted to use.

This past week I finally sat down, looked through my patters and scoured the internet and the only thing I found was myself completely lost.

Why is it so easy for me to make the perfect blanket for someone else, but nothing seems right for my kids? I have always been able to find the perfect pattern and colors that suited the parents of the baby. They were each unique and perfect for them and now as the babies grow they love the blankets.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself to make the perfect blanket? I don't feel like I am. Maybe I am just really that picky. I know I wouldn't be picky if someone made a blanket for my children. I know I would love it. I have found a few patterns that I like, but they just don't seem right and I have no idea why.

I never wanted to find out the sexes of our babies until I thought more about making blankets for them. Part of me thinks it might be easier to figure out what I want to make if I knew the sexes. I have no idea why because it's not like I want to make "boy" or "girl" blankets. I still don't really want to find out, but this is the only thing that is making me unsure. I want to make something for each of them that will grow with them. Something that they will like for a long time like I did with my blanket. Mine was variegated yellow and white because my parents didn't find out my sex. I loved it and kept it till I couldn't fix it anymore. Threw it out about a week before my wedding. That blanket was a comfort, a toy and so many other things over the years, including a tree skirt once. I want my kids to have the same thing. It was so special.

I feel kinda crazy thinking that they wouldn't totally love anything I make. I know they will. Something keeps holding me back. Maybe it's just because I have been dreaming about this for so long it has become a big deal for me and then with the added pressure of making 2 at the same time.

So, now I am asking for your help. Please give me some ideas. If you want give me links to some patterns, knit or crochet, please do. I obviously can't figure it out even with my Hubby's help so maybe one of you out there can spark an idea. This has become an all out quest to find our babies' blankets to keep.

13 weeks

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 13 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 203.6. Looks like I'm down a pound from last week, but that is ok. The babies are growing right on track! I wonder if I will gain much since I was overweight to start with. Still trying to stuff my face as much as possible!

What's going on with the babies?: Yesterday we had the 13 week visit at my OBGYN and then the NT scan at the perinatologist. Both visits went great! Poor ol' wandy was left lonely at both offices and the abdominal transducer was used for the first time! I am so used to ol' wandy that this was an entirely new experience to get used to. I'm not used to the pushing on my belly yet. It doesn't hurt, but it feels strange. We saw them at my OB, but his machine is old and the pictures aren't clear. We also heard their heartbeats with a small hand held doppler for the first time! It took him a little while to find them, but when he did it was so wonderful to hear. We haven't heard them since 8 weeks! The images we saw at the perinatologist were amazing! They have an awesome machine there and the office is beautiful! The tech was so friendly and funny. She was so excited for us!

It is amazing how much they have grown it the last 2 weeks! They look like little people now! They have profiles! We saw their little noses and lips! Their legs and feet were so clear and kicking around so much! As of right now their profiles almost look the same and they are facing the same way on the U/s, so the only difference I saw was Roo had his/her legs up and tight to his/her chest and Roo was laying pretty straight. Roo measured 12w3d and Squirt measured 13w. We now know their positions. Originally Roo was baby a the first sac and heartbeat we saw. Apparently Squirt is now baby a since s/he is lower. As of yesterday Squirt is butt down sitting in my pelvis more to my right and the placenta is lateral right. Roo is higher on my left and laying with his/her head to my left and probably kicking Squirt in the head LOL! Roo's placenta is anterior to the left. The tech said we will probably have our hands full with Squirt since s/he was so active.

Both of their NT measurements looked good according to the tech. I kinda remember what she said, but I m not going to look it up. It really doesn't matter what the numbers are. I'm only doing all the testing because the Hubby likes all the technology and since it's twins we want Dr Monty to have as much info possible to make the best decisions he can at the birth to make sure they are safe. My cervix is long and closed YAY!!! She measured by abdominal U/s. When I go back in 4 weeks they will measure with ol' wandy. I think they said after I come back in 4 weeks I will be going every 2 weeks and alternate cervix check and growth check. I will still be going to Dr Monty every 2 weeks.

New pictures on the Roo and Squirt page!

What's going on with my body?: I guess the tech was pushing pretty hard since she had to get through my chubby belly LOL. I actually woke up with a bruise on my lower belly this morning. Not surprised since I bruise easily. Kinda glad I have 2 weeks to heal a bit before the next U/s. I hope my belly gets used to it. My boobs have been pretty sore this week. Maybe a surge in hormones? I also went back to feeling kinda gross at night again. I just have to keep eating and it goes away. I used to take my vitamins with dinner, but since feeling gross I gag on them and threw up my dinner once. Now I just take them some time during the day whenever I feel great. I have been feeling a lot of pulling this week! Lots of tugging behind my belly button. Now I know it definitely was because they were growing fast! I woke up 2 mornings with lots of brown mucous and yesterday morning with pink streaked with red. I told my Dr, but I wasn't too worried. I had no cramps and it went away in an hour. I have no idea what the 2 days of brown was, but I have a feeling the pink/red was cervix irritation again. I guess my body doesn't like sex right now.

What does the belly look like?: The crease at my belly button is definitely getting more shallow. I can feel it when I put my hand over it and my jeans are getting tight right at that area. I'm not sure if I really look any bigger. My Mom and aunts don't see it yet and I can't really see it unless I'm naked.

Maternity clothes: Well, I think I have reached the point of no return. My jeans are pretty comfy when I'm standing, but over the past couple days I have to unbutton them when I sit. We went for hibachi on Sunday night and in the middle of dinner I had to not only unbutton, but unzip too! Thank goodness I was wearing a long loose shirt. I will be getting maternity pants this week!

Movement: I felt a little movement last night and the night before. To me it feels like a little muscle spasm or twitch deep in my pelvis. It feels so cool! I can't wait to feel more!

Sleep: I'm not waking up to change positions much anymore. I think I have been while sleeping. I still wake up sometimes with hip and thigh pain, but my body might be getting used to it. I haven't been waking up much to pee in the middle of the night. Some nights not at all. I try to stop drinking so much 2 hours before bed and it works. It feels great to sleep straight through.

Cravings/aversions: I have had a big craving for chocolate milk this week. I mix up a big glass of ovaltine and it is soooo good. I try to limit one glass a day, but sometimes the craving is too strong. I also was craving hibachi this week. I told the Hubby we had to go! I stuffed my face that night. It was sooo good! Still can't handle baked goods. That aversion better be gone by Thanksgiving because I want to be able to enjoy some pumpkin pie!

Sex of the babies: I thought we had made the decision that we are not going to find out. I didn't want to and the Hubby did, but is fine and excited about waiting. That was the decision until this week. I started to have second thoughts. The only thing tripping me up? I want to make a special blanket for each of them. I know I can even if we don't know the sexes and I have no problem making a more "feminine" blanket for a boy or vise versa, but right now I feel it will be more special if I knew. I have post coming together on that to explain more.

Names: We have a bunch more names on the list now. We just wrote down ones that struck us. As soon as I get my book back from my cousin we can go through, find some more and then narrow it down.

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly. I didn't realize how much I missed it till I got to lay face down on a special maternity massage table when I got a massage this week. It felt great!

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to feeling lots more movement!

Mood: Overall I have been feeling great. A little emotional over a few things, but great!

Milestones: I am either at the end of my first trimester or the beginning of my second. Either way it's a bit deal!

Medical concerns: Just the brown and pink spotting, but I don't think there is anything to be concerned about.

Sex?: It's great, but I don't think my cervix likes it right now. I kinda feel sore all over after too. I guess we gotta try some new ways and see what works better.

Best moment of the week: I had 2 awesome moments. I went for my first prenatal massage. It was amazing. I was able to lay face down on an awesome maternity table that the middle drops out with mesh to cradle my boobs and belly. The massage was amazing. I needed it. So relaxing!

The second was yesterday at the perinatologist. Seeing our babies again so clear and getting a first glimpse of what they look like.

Hows Daddy?: Daddy is doing great! He was so engrossed watching the U/s at the perinatologist. I felt like he was a part of it. He kept making comments and asking questions. I could feel how he connected with our children. He has been rubbing my belly and kissing them goodnight.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): The Hubby's new thing is asking me to tell the babies things. He knows they can't hear him yet, but apparently I am telepathically connected to them and they can hear me! LOL! I thought that was kinda cute and an interesting thing to think about.

Nursery: Still clean! I am doing a great job keeping up with the house. Keeping it organized and clean. may not be a big deal for some, but it's a big thing for me!

i think i feel something going on in there!

I think I felt a little bit of movement last night! Not a lot, but it was definitely something.

I have read from so many people that it feels like butterflies, bubbles or a fish in a bag of water and that is what I was waiting for. Last night while I was laying on my left side, I felt a twitching deep in my pelvis. Have you ever had a muscle spasm or twitch in your arm or leg? That's what it felt like, but a little different. It lasted on and off for about 3 minutes. I was so excited! I stayed awake and still for about an hour willing it to happen again, but it didn't.

I woke up this morning wondering if it was just a spasm. Maybe I didn't feel movement. The thought bummed me out so I googled. Apparently it can feel like that! Then I texted my bestie. She confirmed she felt that too at one point! This made me really happy!

As I type this I feel it again! A little twitching that moves a bit. It is so amazing!!! I can't wait for more and the day the Hubby can feel it too. I just got a little upset when I told him I feel it again. I told him I feel like he is missing out on so much. I wish he could feel everything. He said it shouldn't be too long before he can and he will experience it through me till then.

So, when did you first feel movement and what did it feel like? Did it ever feel like twitching or a muscle spasm?

spilling the beans

Well, everyone knows now!

At around 9 weeks we decided to tell our parents. We bought 3 little brag books to put all the U/s photos in. For mine and Hubby's Mom we got this one and for Hubby's Dad and step Mom we got this one. When I saw the one for our Moms with the 2 giraffes on them I had to get them. So perfect for twins and I love giraffes. I scanned all the U/s photos into the computer and added some words and little arrows to show them what they were looking at.

My FIL and step MIL got their book first. We had mailed it to them in Florida and I wrote on the box that they couldn't open it till they called us. So when they called us we told them to open it. I was shaking so bad from both nerves and excitement! When they saw the baby book they knew and were so excited and congratulated us. We had to tell them to open the book because we put pictures in it. It was pretty quiet as they flipped through. 5 weeks amniotic sac seen, 6 weeks heartbeat seen. Then they got to the second 6 week pic of the 2 sacs. I wrote on the bottom 6 weeks second sac seen, maybe twins???

We knew when they got to that point. Step MIL screamed and was repeating over and over "OMG is it twins?" She must have said it a dozen times before we could get a word in LOL! We just told her to turn the page to find out. 7 weeks 2 heartbeats seen! It's twins! They were so excited and happy for us. FIL is always quiet on the phone, but when he did talk I could tell he was smiling ear to ear and couldn't contain the joy. This made me feel so good. It was a really nice experience telling him since he is now Dad to me.

The next day we went over to my Moms and MIL. When my Mom opened the book she asked me, "Is this for now or when it happens?" When I told her it was for now she started to cry and gave Hubby and I a big hug. I had to tell her also to open the book. When she got to the 6 week pic of the 2 sacs and read the caption she looked up at us with a pig smile and asked if it was twins. We told her to keep flipping. When she saw it was she cried more and squished me with a really tight hug.

Even though we have not had a good relationship, when it came to talking about our treatments and IF she always surprised me and was exactly what I needed at the moment. This time was no different. She kept saying how she never gave up hope and knew it would happen for us. She knew how long we had been trying and was so happy that we were blessed with 2. Hubby joked around with her saying we are catching up on lost time having 2. She said so many perfect and sweet things and I will always remember them.

After my Mom we went to my MIL. I had texted her and asked if she was home and if we could stop by. She told us she was home, but her friend A was over. A is her best friend. So we told her to let us know when A leaves. A left not to long after, but not without them talking about why we were dropping by. A said she bet I was pregnant and told MIL to call her to tell her why we stopped by. So, when we got there we gave her the book. She instantly burst into tears. My MIL has been waiting for Grandchildren. All her friends have them and she was going baby crazy! We has to tell her to open it. She studied each picture and cried some more. Then, she got to the 2 sac pic. She looked up at us and cried some more asking if it's twins. We told her to keep flipping. With each page brought more tears. She got up ad gave us hugs and told us how happy she was. She must have looked through the book a million times while we were there. Flipping through just amazed at the pics.

At about 10 weeks we finally got to get out to visit Hubby's brother and his girlfriend and see their new house. It was his brother's birthday in a few days so we got him a cake and wrote on it "Happy Birthday Uncle C" When we got there we toured the house and went out to lunch. my MIL was so excited for us to tell them she was bugging me a bit asking when. When we came back to the house we had him open the cake so he could cut it. When he opened it he looked at us and back at the cake a few times. Then asked us "Is there something you 2 need to tell us?" I told him to read the cake aloud. When he did his girlfriend M jumped up and asked if I am pregnant. Hubby and I said yes. They both said "OMG really?" a few times and gave us big hugs. Then we showed them the book. M was flipping through reading the captions and when she got to the double sac she screamed, showed C and asked if it was twins. When we said yes M burst into tears and hugged me so tight and wouldn't let go. She said things like "what a blessing!" and "2 is so awesome!" It was such a great day!

At our 11 week U/s we saw Roo and Squirt wiggle around for the first time. The day after I was so excited and wanted to tell everyone soon. The Hubby has a small family and the extended family he does have aren't close, so really the only people left to tell was my big family.

My cousin K texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her for lunch like we sometimes do. I told her I would pick her up and then immediately texted the Hubby. I told him I couldn't wait anymore and wanted to tell my cousins K and T first. He told me to go ahead and he has been ready for a while. So, when I picked up my very pregnant cousin K I told her right away. She was so extremely happy and excited for us she was bouncing around in the car. Throughout lunch she kept saying how happy and excited she is for us. I called cousin T and she was extremely excited for us too.

That night I was on the phone for about 5 hours straight calling my family. I have a big family and we are all close. Most of my aunts were crying when we told them because they knew about our long journey. I was on the phone with each of them a long time. My family likes to talk LOL! Especially my Momma. I think I was on the phone with her for over an hour and other than answering a few questions, I don't think I talked much. She just went on and on about how happy she was, she couldn't believe it was twins and how we will be amazing parents.

My family said some amazing things to us when we told them. So much support and excitement. I will never forget it and can't wait to tell our children all about it.

12 weeks

So, I am late again with this post. What else is new? LOL! I wrote it on Tuesday the 2nd. I decided to join NaBloPoMo this month and I am going to get back into writing. I do love it and miss it, I just think I am getting a bit lazy about it. I want to get back to it so I plan on posting every day this month. If I don't have a post for a day I will be using the NaBloPoMo prompts.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 12 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 204.6. I gained a bit back. Probably because I sat home on my butt most of this week. It was so nice.

What's going on with the babies?: Roo and Squirt should be about 2 inches (5cm) from head to tushy.

What's going on with my body?: Most of this week my hips and thighs have been really sore especially when I get up in the morning. I think it was mostly from sitting home most of the week. Overall I feel great. Having lots of pulling and pinching. I think these babies are having a growth spurt! I have been having hot flashes in the shower. I tried turning it as cold as I could stand, but they still happen.

What does the belly look like?: The crease at my belly button is definitely getting more shallow! Almost flat!

Maternity clothes: My jeans still fit great when standing, but are getting a little too tight sitting down. It may be time.

Movement: They are moving a lot, but I can't feel them yet!

Sleep: I have been waking up a lot to change positions because my hips are hurting and my top leg falls asleep. That's new. I hope its a short term thing.

Cravings/aversions: Definitely getting hungry more often now. No real cravings. Just the thought of cake or cookies still grosses me out.

Sex of the babies: I think we will wait till they are born to find out.

Names: We finally started a list. So far it's only 2 names, but we will add more. I still need to get my name book back from my cousin K.

What I miss: Can't think of anything I miss!

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to seeing Roo and Squirt on Monday! We will see them at Dr Monty and then we have the NT scan and cervical check at a perinatologist. Twice in one day! I have a feeling they have grown a whole bunch!

Mood: I felt an overwhelming feeling this week of how blessed I am. It brought me to tears a few times.

Milestones: We reached 12 weeks!!! Dr Monty said he considers this basically the end of the first trimester! I was told I can now go to the dentist and go for a prenatal massage! I have one booked!

Medical concerns: Sinus infection and yeast infection are gone YAY!

Sex?: Since I'm finally over everything, it's time to have some fun!

Best moment of the week: Telling my whole family that I am finally pregnant!!! I will post about it soon.

Hows Daddy?: Daddy is finally feeling better! I think he is really connecting with the babies now. Every morning when he leaves for work he gives me a kiss and then gives my belly a kiss and tells them he will see them later. At night he does the same thing. He kisses and tells all 3 of us goodnight. His hand is on my belly more often too throughout the day.

Some funny/cute things Hubby has said (at least I think they are): A few times this week he asked if the babies could come out and play yet. When I tell them they can't he gives me a funny looking pout and says he wants to hold them and play with them.

Nursery: The nursery looks the same as the last picture and probably will for a while. I just have to keep it clean and junk free!

to tell you the truth...

I'm scared of having a girl.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about having a daughter is we will have the same horrible relationship that my Mom and I have. That thought is so stupid to me, but still scares me. My Mom and I are so different. I am not like her. I made sure of it. All the things I hate about her personality and how she handles things I made sure I did not follow in her footsteps. If I caught myself doing something that she would do I stopped, thought about it and changed my ways right then and there and never did it again.

I have done so much to not be like her so why and I still so scared?

My therapist has told me there are a lot of people with the same fear and how having a daughter can be amazing because of the fear. She says raising a daughter the way I want to and giving her all the things I didn't get in my own relationship with my mother can be healing. Healing through raising your children. That sounds amazing to me.

I am also a little nervous about experiencing the father daughter relationship between my Hubby and a daughter. Other than pictures I have seen, I have not experienced that. I would love to see it first hand, be a part of it and I will be so happy to give my daughter another thing I didn't have, but I know sometimes it might be upsetting seeing what I missed out on. I wonder if that would be another healing experience through our children?

I was talking to my cousin T last night and I told her about my fear. She reminded me that God does not give us anything we can't handle. I often repeated that through the years of IF. Now I find myself repeating it today. If He gives me 1 or 2 girls it's for a reason and I can do it even if I am scared. If I do have a girl maybe He is giving me that chance to heal because I need it.

I guess we will see. I am still scared, but hopefully I wont' be as much by the time Roo and Squirt get here.

Any Moms out there experience this? Healing through your children?

11 weeks

Sorry I'm late posting this again! Written Tuesday night the 25th.

Due date:  According to my ovulation day my due date is April 16, 2013.

How far along?: 11 weeks

Total weight loss/gain: The day before the IUI I was 206. This morning I was 202.8. Still losing, but I know my babies are getting what they need because they are growing on track YAY!

What's going on with the babies?: We saw Roo and Squirt last night and it was amazing! For the first time we saw them move and boy were they moving! Especially Roo! They were flipping and wiggling so much that Dr Monty couldn't get any measurements or their heart rates. He was having trouble even keeping them on the screen. Chasing them around with 'ol wandy was interesting LOL! So, we don't know exactly how big they are, but they grew a lot from the last U/s at 9 weeks. Which by the way I finally added to the Squirt and Roo page along with what he could get last night! Sorry it took so long. They actually look more like little humans now! So cool! We saw their longer arms and legs wiggling around and could definitely see their heads and bodies. Seeing them move was the first time I was brought to tears at an U/s. At 11 weeks they should be about 1.6 inches (41mm) from crown to rump. I like the sound of head to tushy better, rump is just strange. Their diaphragms are forming so they could start hiccuping and doing swallowing movements now.

What's going on with my body?: At the beginning of this week I had a sinus infection so I went to the Dr and he gave me some safe antibiotics. They definitely helped because I feel so much better, but like antibiotics do, they killed all the bacteria including the good kind and I ended up with a yeast infection. Dr Monty wasn't surprised since everything down there is more sensitive now, but he was glad we caught it early. I'm using all those lovely creams now. Hopefully it will go away soon.
The antibiotics made me a little sick to my stomach, but now that I'm done with them I'm feeling better. Other than some pulling and pinching I don't feel much of anything.

What does the belly look like?: Hubby says I look a little bigger below my belly button. I can see a difference when I'm naked, but clothed I don't see it yet. I put up another belly pic, you decide.

Maternity clothes: Still nothing. My jeans are still pretty comfy so I will probably get at least another week out of them. I do need bras badly. I am down to 1 that fits! I will probably just go out and get some regular bras without underwire this week and then wait till the end to get nursing bras.

Movement: They are moving a lot, but I can't feel them yet!

Sleep: I have been sleeping great! Basically through the night, but get up to pee once or twice.

Cravings/aversions: Still have an aversion to sweets except for early this week I had a craving for a dairy queen blizzard with chocolate crunchies and peanut butter sauce. I got a small one and it was so good! I also made and ate some egg salad without feeling grossed out! I call that a big step! I think I turned a corner this past weekend. All of a sudden my appetite came back. I can eat so much more now and I get hungry more often. YAY!

Sex of the babies: They Hubby and I talked about it this week and I think we came to the agreement that we will not be finding out the sexes.

Names: We have been talking more about names, but haven't written any down yet. I really need to start before I forget some of the ones we have been thinking about.

What I miss: I can't think of  anything I miss this week!

What I am looking forward to: I am looking forward to telling everyone! We had originally planned that we would wait till 12 weeks, but after seeing them wiggling around so much I don't know if I can wait any longer! I will let you know.

Mood: Been feeling great! So overly happy to have these babies growing inside me!

Milestones: We saw Roo and Squirt wiggle around today for the first time!!

Medical concerns: Like I said above, I am almost over a sinus infection, but unfortunately now I have a yeast infection. Praying the meds help and it goes away without any complications.

Sex?: Between the sinus infection and now the yeast infection, it's nonexistent and will be for at least another week. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn't breathe out of my nose and a runny nose isn't very sexy.

Best moment of the week: Seeing our babies wiggle around for the first time!! Most amazing thing I have seen yet!

Hows Daddy?: Daddy still isn't feeling well. Still congested. He seemed pretty disconnected from the pregnancy this week, but seems a bit more right after we saw them on the U/s again. Hopefully that will keep up this week and the rest of the pregnancy. Anyone have any ideas of how to include Hubby more? Help him connect? We read a pregnancy day by day every night and I talk to them around him. I also tell him things like they miss him. He seems to like that so I hope it's helping.

Nursery: We got everything set up just in time for FIL to come on Saturday. He will be staying till Thursday. Here is a pic of what the room looks like right now. Please pardon the messy bed. FIL is still here.